pearbox : undefined

Was just listening to the sermon I missed on Sunday.. piercing deep into my heart..

Download here, by Linda Cho if you want
Must have more of you Jesus…

“But a Jew is one inwardly, and circumcision is a matter of the heart, by the Spirit, not by the letter. His praise is not from man but from God.” Romans 2:29 ESV

Since coming back from HK, I’ve had the verse Romans 2:29 on my phone’s background, just reminding me that everything I do especially in the area of ministry — is not for man, but for God alone. And added with everything I wrote earlier in December, I’ve been learning to take joy in ministry again rather than being bitter remembering that God is for me and not against me, that every time I pray, I speak, I share, or listen — God has anointed and appointed me at this specific moment in history to bring His love, and His kingdom to everyone whom my life intersects with right now. Also remembering grace — that its not about my own self trying to make this ‘ministry,’ but simple childlike obedience to what he has shown me. My Focus is solely to Know the Father, and bring His glory to everyone.

So I’m still learning that.. and one of the songs I’ve learnt from TACF has really been encouraging me and helping me see that — I Just Want You Lord

I Just Want You Lord

I’ve looked into the world
I’ve looking into the stars
There is no one like you, God

I’ve tried it on my own
I’ve tried to do things my way
I just can’t live without you, God

I’m ready to listen
Ready to follow
Ready to give my life

I just want you Lord
You’re all that i want
You’re all that i need

I just want you Lord
There is no one else like you
I can’t live without you, God.

Words and music by Jon Long.

So overall in this area of ministry God is teaching me a lot..
Its interesting that as you embark on a new revelation with God — that challenges and things pertaining to that exact thing you’re learning always pop up… and I suppose thats why I feel a bit blue. Learning to speak and taking lead — come into “confrontation” of people who may not agree or see the exact same things, and when majority sways it — then thats the direction we steer in. Silly democratic process… so sometimes I get a bit down on that — when it seems like my opinion is ignored or shrugged… but thats ok, God fights my battles for me — I simply convey what I think.

Another thing.. I guess its kind of disappointing when one of your closer buddies / brothers seems to be really bitter whenever you’re trying to either prepare or do ministry. From small snide remarks like “Whats the point on speaking? No one listens anyways” to telling me to leave the prayer meeting which I’m leading… I don’t really know why he says those things, but I know that God dwells in me, and His Kingdom is in me. He loves me and no matter what anyone says or does — I am secure in His love. I’m reminded of the verse in 1 Samuel 8:7

1 Samuel 8:7
And the LORD told him: “Listen to all that the people are saying to you; it is not you they have rejected, but they have rejected me as their king.

Rejection is not directed to me as a person — but to not acknowledge the authority that God has given me.

So.. Daddy I just want to forgive and release my brother for his hurtful words, and I ask that you would be with him — through whatever bitterness or apathy whatever is troubling him. I ask that you would continue to sustain me with joy, and the reassurance of your faithfulness — that through all trial, disappointment, frustration… I might remain faithful, and continue to delight in your presence. You good, and your love endures forever. thanks, in Christ, Amen.

Wrote this a week or so ago, but didn’t get to post this:

I finished Mike Bickle’s Passion for Jesus, Cultivating Extravagant Love for God last week which God gave me a picture to read, and its just been such an encouragement every chapter. God has been reminding numerous things from the simple facts of His love and grace for me, the precious treasure of intimacy of Him, or just giving me a new perspective into this life of obedience & entering into the promise of sabbath rest with Him.

So something I wanted to share earlier before al the busyness and chaos broke loose before I left, was just this feeling of unmet expectation and disappointment and just general discouragement with my service with CCF this year. Some of you might know my reason for serving for CCF has simply been of obedience, and not so much one of passionate desire to change and flourish the ministry. I was spending time with God back in April, and the idea Chair just repeatedly flooded in my head, so I agreed and stepped up for it. Then God was showing and teaching me a lot about campus revival and all this crazy stuff that He’s been doing around the world in this generation — and I got pretty fired up and excited. I didn’t feel like it was my call in particular, but where the Spirit moves there’s exciting stuff thats happening.

This year came by with a good start, most everyone on committee was on board with the new ideas, new structure, setting vision and meetings started off really really well. Setting prayer meetings as the priority over administrative stuff just to seek God’s heart, His presence in everything we do, was just really excited. School started, transition and everything went really well… and it was just really great
But for myself, lately I’ve found that when people ask me about CCF, I can’t help but feel a bit disappointed because tho we’ve been going through all these changes and everything, my idea for the vision, to personally passionately and powerfully encounter God in our lives and on campus seems far off… I want that sooo much, but reality with my idealism simply isn’t connecting. I know it is God that brings revival, God that brings change and breakthrough.. and I’ve been praying and expecting for it… but it seems like nothing is changing.. Rather it seems like by abandoning  the traditional models of ‘fellowship structure’ — the fellowship is a lot smaller, and some friends who are very dear to my heart find little value in meeting every Wednesday… Sometimes I wonder if I’ve managed to “break” God’s fellowship… which doesn’t really make sense because it was in His sovereignty and His grace that he has set these things into motion, and that he will somehow see things through..

I was talking to Jesse a while ago and just talking with him, he perceived that there was a great deal of condemnation in my heart regarding ministry. And he reminded me to not only always look forward to the goals and visions and see the long way I still have to go, but to look back at the great distance I’ve already gone.

So back to Mike Bickle’s book, I was reading the last chapter and it was talking about Zechariah’s prophetic word to Zerubabble, who was to set up the reconstruction of Jerusalem after returning from Babylon, Zerubable was really discouraged as God told him,

Zechariah 4:6 ESV
Then he said to me, “This is the word of the Lord to Zerubbabel: Not by might, nor by power, but by my Spirit, says the Lord of hosts.

And further one:

Zechariah 4:10 ESV
For whoever has despised the day of small things shall rejoice, and shall see the plumb line in the hand of Zerubbabel. “These seven are the eyes of the Lord, which range through the whole earth.”

Just reminding me again that it is the grace that He shows, we cannot force God’s hand in anything, not by zeal passion, prayers, or our exertion, but His kindness is for us, freely. He is the author and finisher of our faith, and when He starts something no matter how smart, insignificant, messay — He is faithful to finish and deliver us.

So I guess.. do not despise small beginnings.

Psalm 37 — just a great comfort, for all the chaos that has collided with my life in the last 24 hours. I’ve been spending most of my time trying to work on my paper which is due tomorrow at 9, went to Church last night and on my drive back I hear a siren and those luminous red blaring lights behind me and I get pulled over for having one of my headlights out. Conveniently it was also the first day I left my wallet & drivers’ license at home, so I get 2 tickets - one for having a busted headlight, and another for failure to provide a valid drivers license. Pretty silly. Then today woke up early to get the head light fixed and my tickets cleared… only to find the garage placed booked so I had to schedule it to Thursday. Went to the ticket place and that as always has a huge line up.. so after 2 hours of driving around… I end up just going back to work… cause it’d just be too much time wasted…

All that packed with the busy schedule of 3 papers + 1 exam in the next 10 days — and leaving for HK…  yum..

I was spending time with daddy on the subway / 196 –
and the verse:

Psalm 118:24 ESV
This is the day that the Lord has made;
let us rejoice and be glad in it.

came to mind… and just felt like all of this — “coincidental” mishaps are just an attack from Satan, to spoil my joy and try to throw me off as I trust Him and head over to HK.

But Satan is defeated, and He has no power over me. God is BIGGER — and He will deliver me… Last week when I was spending time with God, He highlighted Psalm 34 and Psalm 37 to me; and Psalm 34 spoke lots and lots to me last week, Psalm 37 pulling me through today…. so stress / school is piling up –

But God is my refuge, my strong tower, my deliver who is faithful to provide –
If I lose money, time, whatever.. its ok God will return it in multiple fold
Trusting in His promises…

First snow for Winter 2007 in Toronto, and outside the roads, houses, trees are all covered with that wonderful white fluffy stuff called snow *yum* haha!

Today is November 22, 2007 which marks 2 years since Passion Toronto 2005, and just the month where God began to overthrow and revolutionalize my life and understanding of who he is. So two years later — now, just looking back soo much soo much has changed, and I don’t even know where to begin, just Praise God
I know I haven’t written much this year, so its kinda hard to trace back to all the things God has been teaching me this year — but feels like a spiritual season of struggling, and stepping out into a lot of things which I’m uncomfortable in (e.g. chairing, speaking etc..). Which although not as ‘fun’ and ‘passion’ filled and stuff — is really pushing me and growing me in understanding who God is and understanding His sovereignty far surpasses those areas that I have already surrendered to Him. That even in weakness, even in immaturity that the same God over those other areas is the same faithful, loving God is in these areas too — so just learning to trust Him more.. (I’ll probably go into more detail on some of these a little later)

Otherwise — quick update, I’ve just been walking in tremendous amount of blessings and favor lately… For those of you who don’t know, I was planning to go to HK this coming summer, but God moved things up and I got a scholarship / early exam schedule so gonna head over to HK with Mavis for the Christmas to meet her parents and get a while retreat and rest some.

Missing you kids at Jaffray tremendously tho –

Its November already, and 3rd year is quickly zipping by… and I can’t help but feel that there has been something missing in my life these last two years… as compared to my first. I know my theology and previous experience shouldn’t define and restrict how God is going to work in me… but for the longest time as I’ve wrote before — there’s just this continual feeling of dissatisfaction to my spiritual life that was absent in my first year in University whence God was just blowing me away in every area of my life. And each day I would just come home and long and yearn to be in His presence..

My mind feels numb and bored lately, I’m finding myself more and more looking at those primitive things that I used to look at — tech blogs (think tabloids for geeks etc), which although nothing wrong in itself, shows signs that my heart is not fully satisfied in Him, and that I am searching and looking for something to satisfy my soul.. something to fill up the ‘God shaped’ hole in my life… and God being the great big God He is, that hole in my life seems to swallow anything and everything I try to throw at it… just a vast empty vacuum trying to drink out of an undying thirst; that is quenchable only by the Living Water that is Christ.

I’ve been wondering why, since the beginning of first year… and the other night just before as I was closing my eyes to sleep, the picture of a red book popped into my mind, and I felt God telling me to pick up and read Mike Bickle’s Passion for Jesus, Cultivating Extravagant Love for God, which I had ‘randomly’ purchased this summer to get a discount off Amazon.

So I’ve been reading the book since Thursday / Friday, and being reminded much of what my pursuit was in First year that birthed in me such passion, and yearning — for one purpose, and one purpose alone; which was simply to KNOW GOD! To cultivate a intimate love relationship with Him, to draw near to Him, to seek to know Him, held so close to His heart, that His thoughts, character, Heart would begin to conform to mine. To understand the mind and heart of my God. Just as David, A Man After God’s own heart — despite his busyness running the kingdom, fighting wars etc.. had one sole purpose:

Psalm 27:4 NKJV
One thing I have desired of the LORD,
That will I seek:
That I may dwell in the house of the LORD
All the days of my life,
To behold the beauty of the LORD,
And to inquire in His temple.

To be in the presence of the Lord, to dwell in His house, to Behold the beauty — To Seek His Heart first and foremost, before all the busyness…

I feel like after being blown away by God in my first year — that these last two years have been much harder. Why? I think that out of my pride, I have felt like I learned so much, gained so much that it was my time to give, to pour out into others. Yet while pursuing that I have neglected my first love, and rather than continue in that love, in that Spirit of Grace to knowing God more in that deep way — I have picked up everything I’ve learned and tried to give it to others without further intimate knowledge  of my God, and Bridegroom King. Not to say I have not gotten to know Him more these past few years, I have very much — but I have neglected to Sabbath rest, neglected His heart… and continued on my zeal… which alone is powerless to bring revival and the renewing of our minds.

I have worked, I have sought, I have waited for fresh revelation… but I think I missed one of the core things — to wait upon the Lord, to rest and be changed in His Holy Presence…

Daddy, Come and draw me after you - my heart has grown cold, I have come out of touch with your heart, and the things that your passion burns for. I long and yearn to come into your courts, to come into your presence again, but I cannot without a fresh revelation of your love for me, I love because you first love me.. so will you draw me into your intimacy again, romance me, enthrall me, let me behold your glory — hold me in your grace, envelope my heart with your perfect love… Daddy I want you, and I’m tired of trying to get to you — I know I cannot, but Jesus you have done it all… so please Lord draw me after you — I want to know you, I want to see your face, I want to hear your voice — I want to seek your heart, your presence, your glory, your renown. Come daddy take all of me again — fill me with more of you; less of me and more of you — secure me in your love, would you bring the first commandment to first place into my heart again… I surrender completely..

Lots of exams and things this past while –
So I’ll write on this topic later… gotta study ~

God is telling me to REST tho.

A Quick Thank you for everyone who prayed and supported me through this past weekend’s retreat, which went pretty good actually.

Its interesting, going into my shall we say ‘first’ speaking engagement, felt a lot of peace from God and though I wasn’t fully sure exactly what to say, just felt that confidence of His Presence and His Sovereignty in every word that I said. Kinda interesting just being in the ‘flow’ of His Spirit — and letting what he has taught me come out of the overflow of where His Spirit leads me to in my mind/neural networks of ideas / concepts.

Over the past few days of rest, I find my mind constantly going back to my sermon and realizing I missed this segment, or that segment — and through just some time with God, just realizing that in preaching in spoken conversation — its ok to not get every little point in, but maybe certain concepts / points God wants to delay or reveal later on. I was thinking about Jesus and his sermons which are comprised mostly (if not all?) of parables, where He says the basic idea, but it is the Holy Spirit that reveals the deeper things of God to those who are hungry, to those who genuinely sincerely seek the Kingdom of God.

So sort of a different angle I guess — than the usual “must get every point down” approach, much more free flow. Kinda fun preaching and sharing those things which God has lain on my heart for so long… and hearing how it inspires my fellow brothers and sisters.. kinda encouraging.

I was soaking in Psalm 139 over the weekend — and trying to learn that God truly is everywhere, and I can go to the heavens, or the depths of sheol and still His presence is there — His hand ever sustaining and protecting me.

So cheers to obedience, God is breaking strongholds which I would never have thought would be broken. I remember when I was younger I was showering and wondering what I wanted to do when I grew up. I thought of Pastor and shunned the idea because of the public speaking, and made an inner vow to God I’d be anything but that — So kinda fun to see that breaking off, and learning to trust God in this area a bit more too ~

*cheers*

Learning to obey in the specific things - e.g. go and spea, and rely on God for revelation, breakthrough, words, success.

CCF Retreat this weekend, and God has called me to speak in one of the sessions — I don’t know what exactly God wants me to speak about, what topics, passages etc.. But I know that the same God over my relationship, over my finances and my academics, who is every faithful and steadfast in His love, His deliverance, and Provision — is the same God who reigns in my ministry, and in this area of my life –

mmmm - was just reminded of this:

Psalm 23:3-4 NKJV
He restores my soul;
He leads me in the paths of righteousness
For His name’s sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil;
For You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

Obedience to God, wholehearted surrender to Him — often leads us into hard uncertain places, where we feel God is leading us like sheep to the slaughter, like He is leading us into harm but His Word says - His plans for us are to prosper us, and not to harm us (Jer 29:11), So though it feels like we are totally led into a place where it feels like the ’shadow of death’ — where knowing ourselves, our weakness — we feel lots and lots of insecurity; that very path is a path of righteousness - because it is a path of faith (however little we might feel we have) and just like Abraham, His faith was accounted to Him as righteousness.

And as we obey — as we believe, and trust in His promises, as we abide in Him, we know with confidence that He abides in us - Christ is the vine, and we are the branches, if we abide in the vine which is the living water — the living nourishment, and the source of life, we can’t help but flourish, and grow. Perfect Love drives out fear, for fear has to do with punishment - we fear no evil, because we are secure, in God’s love, God’s intimacy. No matter what others say or do — we are secure, and found righteous by the blood of Jesus. It is by that sacrifice, where the lamb of God was slain, the middle veil was torn — and His presence, glory, and intimate place — the temple, sent out amongst the people –

That he would reveal His heart and His presence to each one of us individually

Acts 2:17 NKJV
‘In the last days, God says,
I will pour out my Spirit on all people.
Your sons and daughters will prophesy,
your young men will see visions,
your old men will dream dreams.

So everything we need — we have, for we have the Living Reigning Loving God dwelling within us. And by His Spirit — He gives us understanding into the Father’s Heart, by opening to us the truth found within His Word.

Praise God!
Please pray for me… I really don’t know what to say — tho daddy does, and he will teach me what to say. thanks.

I was listening to a few sermons today on waiting on the Lord (Isaiah 40:31) and prophetic stuff — and really felt God calling me back to intimacy with Him. I’ve been feeling kinda far and distant from Him lately from all the busyness + exams and things, and I realize most of it all has just been my neglecting to put priority into finding time to block off a period of time just to encounter the True and Living God. I’ve done a lot of ‘devos’ and bible studies and what not — but lately from all the busyness I just feel I haven’t really ‘wasted’ much time with God, haven’t really come to His throne for the sake of Him. Instead its like I’ve built up a intercessory fortress/tower in my room where I do battle and seek the things of God — which are good, but the heart of it all is to Know, intimately KNOW God!

And God has just been putting on my heart that I’ve been claiming all these promises, trusting Him with my relationship, finances, a new laptop, academics, ministry etc. etc.. but I haven’t really come to His throne to seek Him, His heart — just to be with Him, sit in His presence and be filled up.

So today has really just getting back to that… after all, at the end of the day — what really matters is our relationship with God, all the works, marks, relationships, memories, material things are secondary.

But what is of utmost priority is to be fully satisfied on Him — that way as we ‘tune to His voice’ and as our heart beats with His, as He lines our ways to His we will be sensitive to His voice and do those specifics that He has for us to do; rather than all the busyness / extraneous things which are not even important/lasting. And the fears of man, and the desires of the flesh — all that will fade away, as we  become more romanced, and enthralled at the beauty, greatness, graciousness, mercifulness of our God