pearbox : undefined

*smiles* Calculus is over today…. probably got 60-75%, pretty confident in that, probably not the best number mark, but the best i can do… my best effort, doing hwk and all that fun stuff, And felt really peaceful when the atmospehre was so tense and i know lot of ppl were nervous… i felt a surreal peace after i prayed.. knowing i probalby wouldn’t get the best mark but i guess all i can do.. is all i shoudl be satisfied with, anything beyond that… well thats beyond me.. so in my weakness, i just wanted God’s grace to shine through… and if it didn’t shine out in as many marks as i’d wnat it to, well he did help me from losing a lot of marks

Otherwise today has yah been really free, and yet i feel like i’ve gotten quite a lot done, got 33% of Getting Together book done, it rox,
and datamangement, and a numerous other things i coud do, but haven’t gotten to.

but yah.. today’s title i guess goes back to the other stuff i’ve been ranting about on and off..
struggle with my friendship….
tear drop because i feel like i’m not bein as effective, and sometimes its liek she doesn’t care that much, but i know she’s busy with her 7 other conversations, which i’m ok with… just sometimes feels like i’m sorta getting brushed off, sort of like last thought.
kind of disheartening considering… the past, but then… present, and i guess i gotta build up again.
fear which nags within me…. don’t want to lose.

Heart needs to find its place of rest in God…. so easily shaken, so weak.

Faith stands unshaken inmidst tempest storms.
Hope shines through pitch dark nights
Love Holds in the most violent of winds and fights.

God Holds when all hope seems lost, when faith seems a mere thought, and love is just a memory.

Calc Test tomorrow… fear… but i did my work this time, so i should be ok,
just gotta rest some more, get the jitters out, and review a few things which i haven’t fully looked at.

on another note..
got SLAX today (in CompSci) so much better than DSL
go KDE ^_^ (jus cause i’m not as l33t and need the nice friendly penguinland GUI that smiles)

yah been really tired… work efficiency lately has been really low like of the 8 hours i have at home, 3 - 4 of them are actually used
the rest is gone to sleep, food, chores, sister; and the ones that are used are like broken up with numerous interruptions..
not good… after Calc Test, gotta sleep earlier… or try to anyways like at 10:45 or something, else gonna burn out.

really don’t have much to say for today… so i’ll just leave off with this

Set Me On Fire: (Burn Service)
I am so Tired of compromising
I am so Tired of Lukewarm living
Lord Here I am
my heart open wide
Set Me on Fire
Take This Heart of Mine
Place your love inside
I want to go against the grain!

tired and exhausted i fall before my bed,
with unexpressed sorrows and worries swarming my head,
lights of day, and moonlight shine … this day is just as gone
my desklight still aglow searching, memorizing the words below.

work undone, is stress begun, and set upon a toll,
that will pull me downward still …
time is wasted, time is lost….
my time is up…
I have lost.

behind and chasing forward…
the clock has already sung…
darkness encloses my eyes now…
sleep will have begun.

_____________
random prose — really tired, gotta study Ja~!

Monday now, first day of school.. back into the routine of things i guess
really tired exhausting — i really need to sleep more.. sleep earlier get more rest, however i gotta guard myself from being lazy… and just relaxing and wasting time… so here i am, writing today’s entry… to relax my mind, i guses and rant out stuff for today so i can focus on working later.
Nothing special today… we had our first ‘real’ fellowship meeting…
pushed for my proposal, but didn’t quite seem to go…. *hmph* i guess i understand where theyr’e coming from… and my own personality preference… it just feels so wrong the way we’re going to do it… feels disorganized, and personally i wouldn’t trust it to fly… it may work for now.. but… i don’t see it going very far past term 1. We have enough people, too much people even for the core group…. *sighs* I think i’m a bit narrow minded, and prideful of how i think it should be run; praying for Humbleness..
but i can’t shake this feeling that it doesn’t look good. System right now will result in a lot of backsighting (which has already happened) leaving leaders oblivious to what’s going on, leaders don’t have a true role, so in a sense, we are program based… the group doesn’t seem to have a vision… no outlook beyond hte next program, need to specialize, and focus.
ugh… reading this ‘getting together’ book in OrgSTudies is really opening my eyes to these disorganized problems… and man i don’t want to see this fellowship run like the Alton Restauraunt, delayed times, wrong orders…
yah… i’m feeling kinda down for the fellowship… back to personality thing…
INFJ — committed if i see a worthwile purpose, a future.., and i’d stick with it till it dies… yet if it seems hopeless i really don’t want to get involved..

but yah… other than all my lil dissapointments w/ the fellowship…
Gabes brought up a good point “We’ve been so used to such a structured systemi guess its good to see how others do things”
*smiles* — now i just have to accept it…
and get past my skeptism… that i don’t believe any functional organization works like that…
even YWAM their structure (the least structural system i’ve seen) is like all students / teachers share all work, but they have an administration staff which focusses on that, and students / teachers have a schedule of cooking / cleaning chores.
They know what to do, they have a purpose to play in the grand scheme of things..

*sighs* oh wells.. all the more i guess why our fellowship needs so much more prayer for it to fly… think it needs a miracle..

i need to be humbled.

well today Sunday,
went to Church early at 7:45 to do AV, for service, Shirley and Benson did a great job! Didn’t need much of my help, except a sound technical difficulty, and for video lol, i think my help kinda messed it up; but good saves Shirley yah!

As for the Sermon… i think God put a lil jab to what i was talking about for the last few days? that friendship which i guess, in my own reflection i feel like i’ve grown a bit cold, passive to… don’t have the passion, the zeal, often times i even feel dread cause i dont’ know what to say, and i don’t want to be caught in those awkward times of silence, else, i don’t want to be just filling that void with my lil words which don’t seem to be very revelent, interesting or what not. I want to have a real genuine friendship. As much as it hurts when i sorta get brushed aside, i guess thats inpart my own doing. Just yah… like a few of my friends know… i often draw parrallels with my relationship, friendship if you will; with God’s love to His people… not to mention thats a direct result i guess when you try to learn it by example in the Bible… awkwardness.. but parallels, and whatever i pain, God comforts me, reminding me that… whatever pain, lonliness, or anything, is merely a glimpse of how i treat my Lord, My Love. So guess that goes w/ the cliche “what goes around comes around”. ha i guess its not that bad; nothing as extreme as Hosea or somebody *phew no marrying prostitute for me please God :p”
So yah… my own personal lil goal for this area, this cherished friendship is to be more dynamic, more passionate, and to not let legalism and what not… simmer that, and instead to just focus on God…. and let him control — let his fire shine through this vessel here.

Sunday School - Apologetics, as usual lots of really interesting ideas, thoughts, arguments.. nothing i guess that stood out that much today tho….

today’s fickle idea for career - English major - minor - compsci / divinity (the stuff my mind comes up w/ in the shower)

1000 Miles (Vanessa Calrton)
If I could fall, into the sky… do you think time would pass us by, cause you know i’d walk a thousand miles just to see you.

Tonight, i’ve got to really catch up on calc, class is at 2.6, i’m at 2.4, with a bit of fuzzyness on 2.3 (arg extended theorum)
the latter stuff i get though… so hopefully i’ll get this stuff pat down..

so off i go to that, Ja~!

Psalms 119:81-82
Kaph
My Soul faints with longing for your salvation, but i have put my hope in your word. My eyes fail, looking for your promise, I say When wlil you comfort me

yah… right now its 1 in the afternoon, 3 hours till my school fellowship meeting, i’m pretty excited, anxious… don’t know what to expect cause i want to get our (Gabe’s and mine) proposal for the fellowship implemented, so much that needs to be overhauled so as to not repeat the year’s past… so much which needs to be done, so much i feel i’m unqualified to do, unequipped especially w/o Gabe’s immediate support, but He’s praying for me so comfort :), Not sure how many ppl are gonna be at the barbecue today.. hope that the core will be there, and a few ppl who will be committed advocates to our cause, cause theres really lots to do…
praying for openess, honesty, humbleness, faith, unity.
really anxious right now…

As for the verse up top… i’m feeling kind of anxious as well… cause i feel that fear… the insecurity the blankness for my most cherished friendship… I care, i want to love… but.. i just don’t know what to say.. and i don’t know in what sanity of mind that i guage this friendship which is s o important to me on the ability to say things…. its awkward.. i dont like it; makes me feel like a really bad friend… yet when i compare it to every other friendship i have…. i don’t really talk that much. My other close friendships i don’t tlak that much but i guess thats what makes them so strong… that i don’t have to be talking, there isn’t that ‘expectation’, sometimes i dont’ even talk to htem for half a year… yet when we talk again its just gets right off from where we left off, if not more cuase of the great amount of stuff to catch up on in the time past.
I really don’t know… i think… i need to develop the friendship a lot more, a lot deeper… I have my wishes, and dreams.. which i begin to doubt in the weakness of our friendship… yet… they’re stlil ideal, nad i don’t want to give up on that. As tempted as i am.. as it’d make life so much easier but no i don’t want that.

Either way…. i guess with my friendship weak or strong…
I really dont’ have the words to say, God has something set for me to do this year.. which i want to focus on, school fellowship, grade 12, my own spirituality… inside i feel lonely at times, yearning; but i’m trying to rely on God more… lots more.
i suppose… if because of the weak friendship we have right now.. things don’t work out, and we aren’t able to build up (God forbid), i’d still be ok… brokenhearted definately… more tears definately… but thats in God’s hands and so I faint to see God’s will..

Love is still the strongest force, it isn’t reliant on friendships, relationships or anything
Instead without Love there is no friendships, no relationships nothing.
So with the will to choose a certain path, with the faith to take that path, with the love which sustains all things that are good,
and God’s surpassing grace to allow those things to happen even when we don’t deserve it…
(1 Corinthians 13:8a) Love nerver Fails.

silence…. peacefulness.
yah today has been a long day.
School - English, Physics, Calc in my new class.
Then went to Fairview for lunch and bussed down to UFair… asked around for information on CompSci, Business…
Thinking about instead of going into CompSci, i might just go into something else and major / minor in it, biz/tech,
possibly a waste of my technical side… but i back down to earth i don’t really want to just be doing computer stuff.
tho i luv it… Guelph Humber - Applied Computer Science with Diploma in Hardware / Software / Wireless tho…
it seems quite teh waste.. since they learn html, javascript, java then finally perl in like 3rd year…. thats like what i plan to do this summer hahaha but it is co-op which is cool… tho yah… probably better off with another degree

after that went back to church only to realize practice was cancelled and bussed back to Warden, ate dinner and went down for TCMC ~ tonight’s Aletheia program… want to thank Catherine especially for pushing me to be honest, when i wanted to be dishonest and just use my transfer tho we stopped for like 10 minutes, Thanks Cat! but yah… after when we got to the program….

Worship… at first i felt i couldn’t get into it; didn’t know songs… felt really awkward… didn’t quite click wasn’t intune too self consious
the sermon was alright… felt a bit lighter than what i’m used to… cause its a bible story format.. .but simple message that God uses ordinary ppl… in ordinary circumstances…. though i guess i’ve never really strived to be just ‘ordinary’ i’m nobody in particular, nobody exceptional…. just myself lil me. The challenge they put up tonight was to let God use me… my life… my all, to ‘write’ his name in History…. I will Offer up my Life… i wasn’t lifting my hands in singing… i didn’t want to let a sound come out of me… i was just trembling…. as i felt God’s presence pass over me…. and I wanted so much, so much to be wrapped in within his arms.. his love, spiritfire saturatng my lil soul. burning within…. and yeah…. want him to use me as his instrument…. to continuing to write his story into today, ‘now… tomorrow and forevermore’ as is cliche now adays..

i actually feel… i don’t know… really open free…. i want to go out and live for Him,
do what he wants me to do…. not what i want to do…. like man — enough of my silly antics, enough of my stupid desires.
Computer Science? ha.. its my core hobby; it’ll never be my professional; i don’t want to make something i like so much tedious to the point i don’t really like it… but the depth of knowledge, customization, tweaking will always be there… and vast for me to play with..

guess what i’m looking now… waiting on God.
University considerations - Business w/ Minor Computer, English w/ Minor Computer, History w/ Minor Computer, then (doubt it) do teaching… <> CompSci is still out there. .but i doubt it..

wells more rantage tomorrow i guess..

Ja~

today, another day of school, another day of homework
everything managed to pile up even when i didn’t have my two mega subjects (Calc / Physics)
gotta write a letter, read / take notes and write that reflection paper, for .OrgStudies
english got ISU, hoping bio / review of some author.. hopefully i can do Douglas Adams, or else.. Dan Brown though Da Vinci’s code is expensive…

got home at 3:10, didn’t sleep today, nope ate a bit of snack (and drank 4 cups of milk ~ making me sickish the whole evening ugh never ever do that again); QT then right on to Calc for 2 or so hours… which really didn’t result in much, i’m still having trouble; and my dad is busy today so i don’t want to ask him for help, then went out for dinner to Taste of Japan Tappanayaki or ‘teet ban siu’; which rocked.. tho i’d rather have had a dinner bento cause 1) its cheaper 2) it taste better (shashimi) 3) I’d actually get full… rather than having everything shared over 4 ppl, it wasn’t bad tho like my mom said a ‘good’ experience, mehs really nice to get away from homework… and eat, chat w/ family *esp cause it was my dad’s birthday; then came home cake… back at physics
and filling in my blog now..

yah i guess not much… UFair tomorrow… hopefully i wont’ fall too behind in Calc — since i have it in the morning… test thursday and fear trembling… gotta catch up relearn everything, practice study… yikes.

oh wells a week, so hopefully i’ll get it *lots of prayers*
yah.. enough about schoo and what not.
my life is run on school; other than God / family / church stuff and a bit of msn time… (which is slowly being edged off cause of hwk)mehs.. i sorta enjoy it — except for calc but thats only cause of fear…

bla… darkness outside except for light pollution, wish i could see hte stars..
mehs… symbol: tears - meekness.

today has been absolutely horrendous on energy drain.
got through first few classes alright (other than the huge stack of hwk i gotta catch up on) then .OrgStudies - i began zoning out… wanted to sleep, then i had to present and kick back into 3rd gear *vrrrooom*, lunch, compsci.. my logic wasn’t running really well i like killed 3 MC questions on the test, cause i misinterpreted the question, and / or didn’t have a clear idea of what i studied the night before. Arg…

Ha then after compsci i was so relieved and happy that school was over, so i got everything ready to leave and Gabes comes and asks me what i’m doing cuase we have writer’s craft! haha yes — totally out of it.
After writer’s craft i left the school rather groggily, and bussed up pharmacy and accross steeles
got home at 3:05… gotta fix my scooter the handle bar is too lose, so it keeps moving off on a angle as i scooter up.
so i have to fix it every half a kilometer or so just so i keep a steady balance on the thing.

Home time…
Slept from about 4 - 7, dinner…
Calc / Physics hwk for the last hour or so…..
and man… i don’t quite get itso i feel like i’m getting nothing done….

gotta wait for my dad to come back, and i guess make it clearer…
so zoned out… bla…

On a nother note…
i’m so happy for Caleb ^_^ his proposition; man… awakens dreams and wants in me… but thats not for another long while
so yah Congrats always forever abide in Him.

hwk / rest * now
thank goodness its day 4 tomorrow

well today has been really busy, i’ve been working since after dinner at 5,
Physics CompSci Calc OrgStudies
now rest…
calc / sleep after?
i should sleep… but then i’m getting really uncomfortable w/ the fact that i’m getting so behidn in calc…
that’d be 2 days behind for hwk ugh

wells either way… God will pull me through.. i’m really tired right now 11:23… good nite la~