pearbox : undefined

the drug which has caused thousands, if not millions to die,
(if not OD then from the war which it caused - ref’n - Briton’s Battle w/ China over HK)
the drug which seduces your mind with numbness,
and drips emptyness into your blood
it grasps your eyes, stealing livliness, and leaving nothing but void.

despair - is like that.

today has been an alright day…
but after getting home, and trying to sit down and work,
all colour has been stolen and replaced by that grey Opiate we know as Despair.
think shift to depression –

but not quite there,
I just feel drastically unmotivated to do anything,
except cry, pray, sleep.
even then
– my crying is in vanity - emptyness - seemingly reasonless
– my praying seems mindless, and lacking in depth
– sleep is dreamless, no real point, because i’m not truly tired; escape from reality?

so yes today has quite gone a wasted.
I have to do a Waterloo contest program, an English Story, my Schulic application — none of that is realy touched
and i probably won’t get to it today

*sighs*

lifelessness.

-fini-

ARGH!!
DARN IT!
so anger…

well you guessed it another bad day — another bad sunday
UGH!!!

so angry right now — like the inner monster has been again unleashed to the outside.
Promiseland (thanks Shirley)
was very very chaotic, draining energy, stress — i feel almost no love for the kids now, i feel sad / disapointed at myself, but so *ugh* can’t take it very long, anger bursts, fire, burn! *shakes fist*

after that, went out for tin yut w/ friends — then to Joe’s to watch the grudge (it wasn’t very scary just weird)
seemignly everything is good and cheery,
go to dinner w/ grandparents and all — fun, enjoyable
then car — talked about them kids, relit the fire inside, so much anger! annoyances :S (hypocritical that today’s sermon was on anger)
got home — and find my computer ON, my settigns revoked and my windows like screwed over liek what the…

CPU is taking up 100% anti-virus is off, security breach ? like agh! !
i don’t have time for this stupidity
UGH!! (hate windows hate windows)

yah guess i’m just totally overreacing — but its just guess one of those times where the last bit of anger just erupts and i wanna destroy things and what not.

sin creeps at my door.. and has already won a battle i guess (disrespect to my dad)
*sighs* so *shakes fists at self*

gotta simmer gotta find peace –

grr-splat.

well, its been a few weeks now, since my blog has been downed, *boo hoo*
and well lots have happened since my last post the 17 th?

Just went through Exams, and now i’m free to linux all i want, (well except i gotta do university apps and such)

Yep and finally got Linux Set up and running, just a bit longer and i can migrate 80% to it,
using “u! u! u! UBUNTU!” muwah! (debian deviation), its pretty nice, simple, but not overly n00b, good for now.

hehe shirley (from comments) about them harddrievs.

Pearbox: partitionwise
30 GB - hda1 ntfs
16 GB - hda5 vfat
15 GB - ext3 home
15 GB - reiserFS root
1 GB - Swap

yum space evenly distributed.
plans for migration (btw linux isn’t quite mainstream tho it should be)
Windows will become - video editing / gfx terminal (unless i get everthing set up w/ wine which is a few levels beyond me right now)
and Linux will be for daily usage - typing / email and all
*excellent*

_____________
other ‘news’ if you don’t know already i’ve moved to a new host (curtesy of Stephen - thanks Cham!)
and got a new portal / theme which will be incorporated with teh rest of the site once i get time (e.g. summer)
fun w/ 3ds max studio 7 — sometimes i wonder why i’m not going into design.. (except for the obvious reason that i suck) but i enjoy it lots so mehs, hobbie it is ;D

Camera Infatuation #2 (well actualy #1 from last year)
and i just realized how big of a price drop it fell since then

Specs

*now this is a camera i’d be set on one buy don’t really need to get another (assuming i don’t loose / kill it somehow) *

*hms*
materialistic excitement

well another day.. hopefully a new beginning for me…
enough of being wretched and entangled by this wall of blackness caging in the lil sheep within.
seeking freedom, seeking forgiveness, finding God again.

lyrical: Purify My Heart, Cleanse me from my sin, deep within.

my prayer.
Amen.

______________________________

Today is a crazily busy day for studying (cram)
Data Quiz Study
Calculus Test Study
Compsci Test coming up
*gulp* soon coming up to 10:00 PM, 1 hour or so to finish studying..

bla must not slack off *

Well just got back from Church, Promise Land week 2, which was alright,
I totally revamped how I did things, a few changes I made:
1. Relocation: 1 Desk at the back of the room for ‘games’ 1 on the side for coats
// I dislike them bulky unfolding tables… heavy and annoying to move back and forth.
x number of chairs around in the front ofthe class room scattered in a roughly circular fashion (looked more like a random ball of spokes to me)
2. Kids Connection — scrapped the normal intro ‘welcome to promise land bla bla’ and all that’ ; instead just sat around with them talked about the week, and weird random things like prank calls, and ppl pulling fire alarms at odd times. Intro … pretty much scrapped that too
3. PromiseLand - pretty kwlz Cat / Char / Elaineee && AV staff did a pretty good job, i’m stlil wondering about the showing the desktop on the screen all them icons if thats such a great idea.. (i think it’d be beter if they used a app / interface w/ words for song / mp3 playing instead of opening that ugly M$ splash screen oh wells…
4. Review time — pretty much much like #2 just talked about stuff, and a lot of them kids (the guys) were talking about toilets of all things just ‘great’ oh wells..

Things i should look out for — tamagochi’s | the darn lil things which cause class havoc, until i show them i’ll actually it.
fads — i remember i used to want one.. and when i did… i broke it cause it sucked darn money wasting things —- gar !

reflections –
children’s ministry is fun tho — i find myself so disconnected and not really into things when i get back into my own friend circle, kind of lonely and sort of just peering through a window …

wells off to work now gotta do some writers, catch up on calc, do that movie review for that run away bride thing *euh!*
oh AND GET A CAMERA *AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH*

exerpt from Creative writing Assignment from Writer’s Craft a few months ago

Its another uneventful, yet relaxed summer day, where I sit infront of my computer. The window is open wide letting hte cool breezes, the soft sunlight and cheerful birdsongs into my room. I yawn as I lavish in my timeless relaxation, and let my fingers roll over the keyboard to reveal my latest project. Time seems to stop as I indulge my thoughts into my program, my graphics, or whatever philosophy comes to mind. Life seems free, peaceful and yet still productive in my little world. My interest occupy my boredom, quietness calms my frustrations and time seems to be forgotten to months past. Little do I know of all the events around the world — the sickness, the catastrophes and the poverty. Little do I know what God has in planned — little do i know what tomorrow holds — all I see is today, now, the present.

vis-a-vis.

fini

Saturday, well last night i started setting up Debian, started getting the different stuff configured, all the mini mini things like booting up in the normal prompt instead of X, and updating the kernel to 2.6 and it was surprisingly easy… i was so like ‘wow-ed’ at how easy it was (as compared to normal distros) all i had to do was type in 2 commands

apt-cache searc kernel — and it spits out all the names
apt-get install kernel 2.6.xablabla

and it installs everything, changes the point paths, and adds the entry into GRUB
updated the kernal all in less than 2 minutes *yum*

now i know why Debian is seen as the ‘lazy’ linux-er’s distro :p cause it practically does it for you haha
ironically though, while i was configuring Debian, i found myself going to Slackware pages to find documentation on changing the good ol’ configuration files (most of the core configuration files are standard so it was ok)

and now i guess or tonight (when/if i have time) — gotta get help in setting hte NVIDIA Driver. .cause it says it can’t find the kernal source… even tho i installed it already.. so thats kind of annoying, gotta read up on that + also alsa in Debian, and the rest of them bash commands.

Today — i have lots of work.. its 2:15 or so now, and i feel pretty stacked with work, a lot of which is due / required in the next week as we approach Exams, so… really not fun, not fun at all.. (and very lil time for precious linuxing)

well guess most of the rest of today will be dominated by work… bla
bies!

hms.. i really should get to sleep getting so late, being so uneffective with my time.
I’ve been realizing lately how… i’ve got so many aspirations i want to persue, so manythings i want to do, so much stuff thats cluttering all my time (and so much stuff i don’t get done)
lets see…
1. get digital camera / learn photography
2. finish setting up Linux and migrate
3. finish java / start learning php
4. learn - photoshop / master live motion / flash / learn 3d max studio
5. improve on promiseland thing
6. revert site to ‘pearbox’ theme
7. get good marks for good school & scholarships (haha york!)
8. go out w/ friends, enjoy life.
9. go out and spread God’s love — share life
10. improve my interpersonal skills / leadership and such
11. extracurricular activities / sports
12 soup up my computer
13. get a job so i can actually do a lot of the mentioned ^
14. live life… outside a pile of text books and hwk
15. so much on and on..>
16. get on w/ them ISUs –gotta NOT procrastinate
and ontop of all of that get close to God — and live a worshipful life for Him.

so much i want to master, so many mixed priorities, so many intellectual / creative hobbies i want to develop in.
yet life is seemingly restricted to the 3 month block of sheer freedom — in which il’l most likely be filling up with #13, and when i’m done w/ that and actually have money. to do some stuffs, i’ll be off to university having again… less time to really focus *mudpuddles* life is so fantastically enjoyable.. yet so marginably manageable..
key to get at —> most of those things will pass… temporary… gotta focus on whats important God, thats why I want to so desperately life a life of worship for him.. that in my activities i can still live for him.

something of a reflection — Winter the season for ‘materialisticness’
been really driven to buy that camera *lust?* lol yearning for it — so much i’d want to do with it,
and i go to friend’s places and stuff and is see masses and masses of tech stuff which i’d really love to indulge in (again… technology related… - my ‘religious interest’) or at least develop myself and master, yet i come back home and i look at my meagre set up… quite impressive my 19″ monitor, boasting a robust 512 DDR, scanner, the rare antique of the ancient LBP series Canon laser printer, my equally if not older Yamaha sound mixer (a rare specimen), my obselte high quality LD player… not a bad set up indeed… tho it lacks update.. it lacks that lustre of what is ideal.
Everyone else might have the coolest phones, games, internet, peripherals, cameras, video, whatever….
i just have my stack of copied liscensed software… add some opensource (which i haven’t gotten to using much of) and my human nature whines, grumbling that i dont’ have enough..
greedyness? unsatisfied? indeed…
yet i look again, whats the difference…. why don’t i have all those fancy crazy fast computers and stuffs…
same middle class level… then i realize God’s love, my parents’ love to sacrifice those things for my education, for me….

*sighs* — ungrateful lil me…
i owe them all.

Well first day of school (yet again) Winter break has finished, and now back to routine, steady stream of work, and grayness
Hopefully this new year will bring things to a better start, devotional wise, gonna try a bit of journaling… spend more time in to that, and also begin prepping for PromiseLand Everyday (hopefully)… sleep earlier, work more efficiently — all utter ideals.

Wells not much happen today in school seems like it just started where we left off before the break, gonna be a crazy two weeks before exams, and then after that gonna be a crazy 3 months for ISUing, gotta start working on those ASAP.. but really there wasn’t much worth mentioning about school… walking home was alrite since its gotten warmer with all the rain, so really not much… except some old lady who gave me cut eye cause i had to let a baby carrage through so i had to edge over to her side a bit, and she pushes my bag and me almost in the way of the carraige, i turn she glares at me oh wells..

guess i’m off to work after a bit of break, *cheers to work*

oh yah.. Gabes returns today yay! ~ Welcome Back GAbes!