breathe out
Well Sunday, March 20, 2005. 4:57,
Man, i just got home from church, another not so productive, not so cheerful day. I dunno, my lack of a G2 is starting to really bug me, cause i keep asking Yam for rides (thanks Yam) but it bothers me cause well he has to go out of his way, use gas, and his time which he should be using towards his paper.. which is over due :, and i dunno just practice… it seems so … what? dry? too short to be productive, not much organizedness, like practices and stuff, not too sure whats happening, and how teh directors are planning things.. we just sorta shovel through it.. loose, but a slight communication / co-operative draw back i guess.
As for my bit of prose below.. don’t think you can really call it a poem.. well . maybe — i just feel my life is going nowhere, i want to live and do all those great things for Jesus, but time seems still, nothing is happenning, its so dry and y’know just — bla. and thats when Satan comes to my door and knocks and calls for me to open a bit to let him in.. temptations, doubts, impatientness, frustration so much.. and i just.. i dunno theres quite a bit on my mind. This march break, i want to relax i want to do my own thing, but i’ve got those two ISUs to kill off of (English / Writers) along with another 3 more after that.. and time is just flying by… not to mention in this still quietness i’m starting to feel demoralized, feeling disconnected, wanting quiet peace, yet longing to be w/ my friends, so alone? well don’t want to be myself, and i guses i’m not… just a shallow emptyness type thing i feel… *aiy* I really don’t know. I sorta just want to heave and cry, sniffle and hide my head under teh covers and sleep to unconsciousness till everything passes… I just yah… i don’t think my words and ramblings are making that much sense right now..
mix of insufficiency, lonliness, sadness, wanting to escape, bla —
certain emotions,
i’m trying to supress, trying to push back cause they aren’t appropriate for now.. kinda difficult, sorta leaves me drained out a bit I want to say, but i won’t.. i want to ask, i want to wonder but no… gotta see if its temporary or if it stays.. surrenderin God’s hands.
Anyways — about the only ‘exciting’ thing i have / think about is i guess my camera which is as of now Illinois according to UPS trackinig anyways should be getting to Uncle William’s place by Tuesday, and hopefully i’ll get it on this coming friday or sunday..
then i can play w/ it… course thats not till the end of the week which is filled with grueling work… *sighs* i just wanna run away and be distracted…
*sniffle*