pearbox : undefined

*sighs* i hate depending on others’ for my work… always such conflict that occurs :
argh — disheartened to do work… wasted time - 1 hr. argh
*sniffles* at the mercy of someone else’s patience… vulnerable, insecurity, gotta focus on the work that i do have control over..
ks gonna go back to work… *prayfully, humbly in full surrender*

… i am wilted ‘jeh joh’ i am so wasted… and gone tired, i can stay awake.. straining but i can.. and i’m contemplating on if i should go sleep an hour and half or something… i’ve got lots to do tonight, org studies proxemics project, and theres that sudden burst of english hwk (lots of reading / writing) not to mention Writers ISU due next week, and Organizational Studies soon therafter.. (wednesday) i really need to get my sleep back my work efficiency is down in teh gutter… my work ethic is gone… just wanna hug my blanket as i burry head in the covers and let sleep consume me… funny Doze today had an article about how 1/3 of people do not have teh adequate amount of sleep…. instead of 8 hours, they ahve 6… lets see.. my average time of sleeping 2:30, average time of waking up 7:45, that gives me… about 5:15 hours of sleep each day… great i’m under par the underpar — thing is i find its a viscious cycle.. the amount of work i have forces me to sleep later and later… while that lack of sleep accumulates my work productivity levels drop… and i end up needing more time to accomplish the same amount of work… thus i find myself now… with swamped a lot of hwk.. its 4:51, normally i should be done in 3 hours… and i can begin on ISUs, but cause of my dreary wearyness i don’t want to work… i want to either go sleep, waste time… or some other useless rest activites… blahness.. gotta work tonight… no msn until i’m done, no more blog hopping.. (haha — i read tehm already :P) no slashdot… no http://www.cockeyed.com/ << which is the funniest site ever next to alltooflat <---- which i like a lot cause theres a chinese guy lol. but yah none of that... i should work... or shower? or sleep? argh... i'm sick... don't want to take the codeine medicine (cough medicine)... makes me drousy... i usually take taht at night now.... to intensify my sleep.. substance abuse :S... i OD on it (1 extra tbs) at night at like 2:00, and sleep... takes me a bit longer to wake up...but when i wake up i won't be groggy.... i just sleep fast -- in the sedative. hrms..

and so… for the gossiping things.. gabes (rofl) not nathan today (thankfully - thanks) observed that yami was somehow in all my blocks except for computer science & writers craft (cause esl ppl wouldn’t ake another english… nor do generally girls take compsci) so apparrently she’s my ‘english, data, calc, org’ ‘buddy’ even tho before this project i didn’t really know her haha — kinda jokes. ah gabriel… wait till i find something… tho i dunno with you, its like when i play Jerry StarCraft i gotta suck. er.. naturally give way & don’t use my full ruthlessness (as edward/viv have seen in those crazy debate things — muwaahaha) always waiting… theres always johnny and his antics w/ macing around which i find all rather weird…. our lil group which jokingly makes ‘macking’ something so ‘wahhhh’ i personally find the whole flirting idea distasteful… maybe its from my “intense study/theoretic” on the subject… or more imporantly the stem of the subject — supposedly love…
i just dunno — mackers / players are despisable (not that i hate them.. i just don’t associate well).. come to think of it might be my personality cause i build relationships, not acquaitences… i strive build strong, deep relationships — few friends, but many in the ‘levels of friendship’ mehs — i figure if someone really wants a girlfriend, macking totally isn’t teh way to go… that just gets you to random love flings & an empty wallet. deeper friendship — get to know them as a person.

anyways *gasps*
HitchHiker’s Guide to the Galaxy comes out tomorrow!!!
i want to see it so very much ~!!!! friday too!!
Question — who wants to go ??? fairview @ rainbow || Morningside??
Afterschool before Aletheia / Hosanna…
++and / or camera hopping too
erm.. call me? we can arrange something? i dunno hahah i gotta go work ~

adfjaklfjlasdf…
man — so out of it so out of synch, got so much work to do… but mind just isn’t there, my heart isn’t there and i’m just faltering… both in my work ethic & spiritually… ugh… haven’t done devos yet… and its like 9 O.o argh!!! this is pissing me off :S i’m thirsting, longing yearning… for my Lord — his word, his presence just waiting for me and i ahve no action, i don’t go to him :S

ks — gonna go quiet down w/ Jesus.

argh… drafting over msn’s white board / phone is horrendous… absolutely horrendous.. after 4-5 hours we got it done…. not the furnature mind you just that placement of walls and everything and man i’m hungry :S ahh got so much more to do tonight!! stupid project eating precious time noooo …. yikes

oh wells atleast i didn’t have to drive a girl alone late at night…

well another day, starting off with exhaustion and getting back home, all in one piece with a nice 10 minute nap on the bus, and reading Dose, that newspaper targetted for teens to 30? seems a bit more interestign than 24… politics, business, international stuff, ads aren’t all about breast enlargements, hair removal, cousneling, and garbage… got more on clothing, dell, and other nonsense stuff so as to not so blatantly corrupt my subconscious

so as i was walking up brimley my 20 some minute walk as usual.. i was thinking how next year university and all that stereotypical bad stuff that temptation seems to storm through… and i’m wondering — would my faith hold up? will purity break through the humane yet animal impulse? will God’s word manage to saturate me enough to be aware, to be pure, to stand with integrity? questions questions questions… past experience with lust seems to have a bad history my weaknesses — all in the mind… grr… past victories are there, just nothing that has gotten me through consistantly : my breif experience with danger should me weak and vulnerable… disdain.

so its time to take a stand, well ahead of the summer and university.
To strive for purity, for integrity, for a heart that is completely after God’s.
I don’t want second class living cause that is the same as being dead,

i want to answer to Paul’s Challenge to do everything with love… and that love 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 which i have theorized and applied to my best of ability before. so here — there is the challenge to love in its purest sense.

God, and my fellow creaton-lings.

weakness revisited.

_____________________________
on a tangent — thanks shirley for staying up for them ‘delightful delectables’ haha go past midnight crazies & fun explusions of common sense. artful literature, colourful adjectives, dynamic devices, and in its truest sense — friendship

*cheers* and yay to weird phrases & random placement of alliteration, metaphors, similes, personification fun.

argh… this is proving to be quite teh challenge… almost burnt 2 hours and i still don’t have an understanding of this thing, darn it!! not as intuitive as most programs… maybe i should stick to building it out of paper and the sort ugh :S

in silence — all emotion is quiet, all thoughts are dim, and concentration melds with diligence as work begins to blossom.

haha *cheers* i survived monday, and what a day it has been — kinda slow on the uptake but got through it, and as usual as grad draws nearer, bits of gossip likes to spark, which is all entertaining — just like those lil debates we have on vivian’s journal :p, this year started friday? i think? yes — in DataMan, and i logged on to hi5 you’ll remember and gabes added random ppls lol, and he added Yami this girl coincidentally got assigned to work with for org studies — that proxemics thing, and so today out of nowhere at lunch time Gabes was hinting i had a girl for prom lol (yes guess who it is) the antics, good humoured jokes Gabes (haha) just to clarify NATHAN, the KING Of GOSSIP (understatement?), I do NOT like Yami like that. heck i didn’t even know who she was lol. sorta reminds me about the lil infaturation thing i had in grade 8 — haha visiting the hidden and locked up vaults of embarresment. which is always realy annoying to reply in my mind haha. nevertheless, from my readings of Robertson Davies, and a bit of Carl Jung (argh! forgot to get his biography today nooo), its best to comfront those times, write it out, spill it and be over with it — no more embarresment, and all that junk — speaking of which actually reminds me of this other infaturation thing a while back… grade 5 lol,
i realize i’m such a player— NO not that kind NATHAN!, but in that — i dance with the gossipers, and feed them all the ‘delightful delectables’ (pretty phase for today) that they want, only to mess with their minds, so while they gossip and everything, i keep the upper hand and manipulate them — quite teh scheamish lil pear i am..
example — grade 5
Grade 5 — this girl was gossiping that i liked this other person, and i was like lol sure sure bla bla bla, keep up the act — (no true feelings), and me and the girl that i ‘liked’ kinda caught on and we just ‘danced’ the lil thing to entertain our gossipy lil friend — haha the antics.
then Grade 8 Grad — something a bit less pretty, since i got infaturated and lost all common sense and my grip on my manipulation — thus losing my objectivity and made a total fool out of it, cause i exagerated it in my mind that i made this big thing about it, which was utterly stupid and embarresing rofl.
i think i had a lil thing in grade 7 summer too — but that rests in the secret niche areas of Jerry & myself, and possibly the ‘victim’ : sorry — wish i hadn’t done that all thos years, at least we’re friends again after 4 years of highschool heh weird.
‘true love’ thing — which to its very essence was true, tho didn’t stand the test of betrayal and i found my limit– so that blew up in my face… mehs ironically this is the least embarresing thing, probably cause of the seriousness & commitment and all that theoretics i put into to ensure that it would work — haha lunacy when i look back, nevertheless good insight on the workings of relationships. and abstract concepts such as love, friendship, compromise, sacrifice.

yes inspite of all that — manipulating the stories that gossipers blab about is fun
you get to propagate yoruself, while making your enemies (gossipers) look like fools rofl.
(Jung)

anyways today after school i hopped over to Miliken library to get somework, and ironicall got about the same amount of work i’d have gotten ahd i stayed home… maybe even less. i got a big xtra whcih i wasn’t taht big.. but was good enough for a lite snack after my walk, then i got a book on interior design for ideas for the proxemics thing, and Linus Trovald’s (creator of Linux) Just for Fun biography thing– yum can’t wait to read that so after getting books i settled down to get through that corporate culture book— and ppl were being obnoxiously loud (grr miliken high), and i was feeling tired so i slept for an hour :p woke up at 5, slept another 30 min, and then went through about 30 pages of note taking / reading to get picked up 6 something… haha 3 hours 30 pages *great*
8:56 — which means i should go work now… argh gotta finish corporate culture but gotta do proxemics thing to… and writers craft
aiyeee— *stress*

off to work — will write back 12 or 2 :P—

hms shoutout —
edward — pears pwn apples

The Dummy theory
k / n = c
where c is a constant greater or equal to 2/3
therefore 2/3 or more ppl in any given group are dummies.. haha go corporate culture
(i’m actually finding this isu really insightful…)
sorta finding business might not be the subject for me.. but cognitive science might interest me a lot more… the study of the science of people and the art of improving group dynamics, learning, adaptibility and all that sorts.. mix if psych / philo right now haha woot 1:35…. ks 1:47 now and i’m beginning to feel exhausted, hha adrenaline burning out.. time to turn out hte lights and finish working tomorrow… blah still so very interesting…

—
org studies finish both books
~> start writers journals
#start org studies if possible too *
*yum*

The Dummy theory
k / n = c
where c is a constant greater or equal to 2/3
therefore 2/3 or more ppl in any given group are dummies.. haha go corporate culture
(i’m actually finding this isu really insightful…)
sorta finding business might not be the subject for me.. but cognitive science might interest me a lot more… the study of the science of people and the art of improving group dynamics, learning, adaptibility and all that sorts.. mix if psych / philo right now haha woot 1:35…. ks 1:47 now and i’m beginning to feel exhausted, hha adrenaline burning out.. time to turn out hte lights and finish working tomorrow… blah still so very interesting…

—
org studies finish both books
~> start writers journals
#start org studies if possible too *
*yum*

alright, lol thanks Shirley for your persistant, may i use ruthless determination to get me to stop reading blogs during my duration of sleepless last hours before sunlight… speaking of which the night outside is rather dark purple…. pretty… with taht hint of orang-ish pink from the mercury lamps haha….. night is here. alrite i ahve 100 more pages to note for book 1… which means i’m awfully off pace from where i initially started out to do on saturday… *dawww* oh wells tomorrow will be catch up day will finish book 2 at library, away from these nerd songs and everything just me and my beloved books, paper, calculas… yum. and no blogs lol
yes yes — deadliens fast comign must overcome and set fire to them…. meanwhilst i should get back to work.

today… er… yesterday’s artful reason for excuse..
the night is still young… that sweet lunar princess… darn seductive sleep! go figure.. personification and alliteration (thanks swirls) weirdness..