pearbox : undefined

so i’m back into the stream of everything now, back to school, and right back into the crowded chaotic work filled lifestyle… still a bit sick, coughing fairly deeply but a lot less frequent, which is a plus since i can function and talk without too much trouble.So after devotions, read Jeremiah 8 — and being my first skim through it, i didn’t get too much, it was basically about God punishing them… but what i found i guess was that God is the giver of all good things, ‘every perfect gift’ and when we turn away from him, when he withdraws his presence, those good things that we depend on — both the needs AND the wants start to loose light, and become corrupted, like the water becomes poison, famine, all that sort— and in this time when God’s presense begins to withdraw… the poisonous serpants come and are there to punish us…. symbolic — when we walk outside of God’s light when we stray far off and don’t have our focus on God, Satan is there to turn our lives sour… and with our back turned away, we aren’t as receptive and we begin to loose out on God’s original purpose and state for us.

So yah, as i begin to regain health… i really gotta stay focussed and centered on God, cause its taken me all my energy thus far to get this point, i’m burned out, tired, weary and realy i’m running on E (empty for those ppl who don’t drive), so the only thing sustaining me now is God, the only source of power that is still available– Jesus. really need to spend more time meditating and relying on God than trying to bust it through with my own strength..

so yah today went downtown for interview thing which went surprisingly well…. thank you mommi!! *hugs* we were going to go find homeless ppl and see if they would be ok with us videoing them, but turns out God provided, and through my mom we were able to talk to her co-worker who was a worker with homeless ppl for 20 years, and we talked to an ex-homeless person for some too.. have about 21 min of footage gotta edit, revamp / repackage and put everything together in a nice presentable form.

got quite a bit of work tonight, so i won’t blog too much…

oh rite — Shirley do calculus hwk!! go go go!

7:04 PM - after sleeping about 12 hours today… my coughing for the most part has stopped, those chronic shatterings of my lungs have ceased to be chained together…. their depth however remains quite deep - when i do cough.. but its more easily standable… sleeping under the influence of opium (codeine — cough medicine) again, and just wow dreams and dreams shattering the skies and mixing reality with imagination… setting me numb when my eyes are open, and with adrenaline when they aren’t…

overall another day gone by, wasted some would say– but recovering, and resting which are more imminent and more beneficial than a day of school, or a day of work… and just a chance to quiet down and wind down from all busyness..

and now to begin anew, to work, to start, to create, to forward in diligent aspect — and forge a new ethic. to reset my priorities to work for God, no more working for myself — no more working for marks, no more working for a scholarship, just giving my best in all situations, all circumstance…. God will be the judge — not my teacher. If i get used, if i get spat on, kicked at, then GOOD. i will know more accurately what my jesus has felt.

my best for jesus.

let spirit fire rain upon me– lighting the darkness within, and shatter the realms of sin.may it blossom and splash against my heart - restoring vestal(pure/chaste) light within.

surviving.

my coughing has ceased.

after a really really rough nite last night… coughing, emotions asunder, and finally getting some sleep after 10 mL of super strength cough medicine… i woke up today feeling a bit better… didn’t cough as chornically no when i woke it was silent, so i got ready to go to school… got my uniform packed my bag and went downstairs, where i coughed and it was really deep.. and i realized my breathing has a slight wheeze to it.. and my cough is really deep into my lungs again…. *sniffles*

my parents told me to just stay home for the day… so i’m skipping school 4th day to rest, and possibly do some work gonna sleep after i blog this … since i really feel at teh end of myself — sent an email to Mr. Cockell looking for advice… i dunno what to say, except i am so overwhelm and exhausted, tearful, lost, weary.. broken, shattered… a weakened vessel, a cry of oblivion and i’m losing my will to even wield my poetic weaponary in an emotional and figurative vengence

short-sightedness — unhappiness comes from focusing on the unpretty things at the point where time touches reality.

inside as much aggravation i’m suffering, i’m cheerful, happy cause i know that whatever God has planned he will carry it out.
His blessings, he gives and takes away. And as he spares me each day — as each breath i take i love another few seconds under his grace. He is my Rock, my Salvation, my Lord. In him do i rest my head, my heart, and my soul. Forever and Ever, Praise be to my God for He is merciful! and watches over the most weakest of his sheep — me.

good night adieu

darkness clouds overhead, as the stars blink out of existance.
the delicate inflammation of aveoli, as cells squim and die.
oh desolate sky, where has your bleak sunset gone?
so its monday, hark the day closer to untimely demise
lungs in pain, throat congested… sputtering like a wretched animal.
how i wish i had the energy, the health… to stand…
nothing — empty. lost and confused…
whatever the reason my lord? to let such strife come over me?
whatever the reason i submit to it… my life is yours..
i bid you take it…. i can haven one of it… cleanse it purify it… transform it, destroy it.
just swept with internal tears… inner most longing for you.
oh lord, my god…. take me from this sufferable haze, take me take me!
to your wondrous heavens, where i shall stay snug in your hands
and feel your comforting breath above my head..
my loving father…
i’m dying…. have mercy…
i see myself far off from this scene of sleep, yet if it is so… i pray you take me safely
*tears* plz Lord… let me live another day— let me live longer… i don’t want to leave my friends… as miserable and ungrateful a wretch i might be.. i want them to be happy and i want to serve them in humble love…. plz lord.. spare me…. i submit to your will–whatever it is…. but this fear in me… to leave :’( undone…. you’ve planted these aspirations so deeply within me..
i don’t believe you’d take me now…. as much as i hurl out… each cough i thank you that i still have air to cough out…. each time i cry now… i thank you for the seconds of life…. Jesus…. save me.

well today has be quite the horrendous day — i say that inlight of all the inflammation my lungs / throat has been feeling the whole day… woke up with like a congested throat — as if all mucus had overnight resolved to flow down and clog up my throat : after spending a fwe minutes clearing that i hopped downstairs and went to school… english was horrendously boring.. and i just coughed and slept the whole way through.. feeling nautious and not really knowing what was happening, spare i just rested — sleeping some more and talked w/ Terry a bit about his devotional he’s trying to figure out.. calc i just sat their nautious, another work period, so me and gabes just talked and chattered about kwlz stuff… lunch went out to wendy’s, data just inputed data, orgstudies sprawled on my desk coughing and sleeping… and found out my compensation thing which i stayed up to 2 was totally out and useless so gotta redo that this weekend… notice how I have to redo it… >.< i hate group projects... and i have english too gotta go downtown to interview ppls... dunno if i'm gonna go tomorrow really sick... maybe i'll just push it back to teh weekday go down w/ Gerber & justin... darn it!! i am so exhausted i really should go to sleep.... but yah after compsci (in which i was feeling really feverish in)

i came out and i couldn’t find gabes so i ran away to go change and found out that i just escaped Cat!! haha surprise! you came and chased me down w/ Gabes just to sing happy birthday O.o *hugs* my adorable friends after that we just went to that jap place… and the whole money thing… oh grr why are you two so clever… decoy with the $20 in the CD case, and then $20 in the bag… >.< so now i'm wondering... how much many 20s are actually out there? cause i planted 3... $60, two of which Gabes found after... one of which i so professionaly planted that it might not be realized for quite a bit... so right now -- i have to plant this $20 somewhere.. and where? i dunno thats for you both to find out soon... both of you and ruining the only birthday gift i wanted --- to treat you guys out >.< sniffle... but ah the battle wages on --- and if you both don't concede, i will have to take the money and invest it in something exceptionally cool for you. after jap food we went back and drove to mellissa's house to pick up crOnium... and get softball stuff and went over w/ Gabes and stuffs... kinda fun. still coughing like i'm dying or something tho... Aletheia Bible Study was kwlz... gotta love Herman's analogy for the Trinity, something along the lines of ---
We, humans are created in God’s image…
And just like God is composed of God the father (planner), the son(doer/body), the spirit (empower) so we have a mind that directs are actions, and a body that does our actions, and we have our soul which gives us that bit of push for influence and so on.. nice simple wisdom filled theology — love it.
after some sharing w/ Gabes / John, i asked Art to pray for my coughing and it subsided for a bit which is really kwlz… but still quite the painful inflammation…. think i coughed up what tasted to be blood when i was near the diamond…. hms i think i’m not gonna go downtown tomorrow… simply cause i am so poor in health cause of school already… heck english is 10% of the term only, i can sacrifice that, no problem still pull an 80… haha whatever its only like 2.5 of the whole year anyways. so maybe i’ll get an 87.5 *shrugs* whateer.
so tired.. weary yuckies — so happy still to have spent the day w/ my two best friends, love you both very much, you’re both so funny,… ah the beautiful antics of your crude nonsense insults and the backwards forwards bashing… *sighs* i love you both regardless

+a few short pretty pictures are on my gallery, if you’d like to see — http://orangesimile.net/pearbox/gallery/
++got the lovely starfield cd — thinking of deleting BT and other P2P software…. and going legit *smiles* thanks Gabes / Cat for positive influence.
+++uguu… temperature is 96.6… under 98.6 :S

what can i say… but the title of my former site / theme… a cry, a tear, a plea for hope— *sniffles*

its a beautiful day, the sun shining brightly, the sky blue as can be, flowers blooming and the temperature sitting at an idea and comfortable temperatuer of 22. Its a wonderful day, a marvelous almost perfect day. relaxation, hobbies, happiness cheer… so vibrant, the grass so green… yet in midst all this ‘perfectness’

i hang my head down… as the wretch i am. unhappiness, disdain—
i’m tired and weary lacking energy or motivation… all of my own doing and lazyness.. and i’m just a mess. my resolve folded, my own life flailing in the midst of trial and temptation…. oh fire thou contemptful blaze… wilt thou take this charred sentient away. such a bleak day inside…. — attitudewise, probably one of the worst for a long time… falling into darkness before slumber takes me… waking up into oblivion as my disillusionment earns me scolding… waking up to brush my teeth only to find my tooth brush dripping with blood…. which isn’t from my teeth (phlegm?), and just wandering downstairs leaving a trail of bitterness behind me. Being a pain to my family, unable to be myself… and just making a mess of breakfast… leaving for school and getting there tired and unable to fully work. :

oh wretched sin! on contemptful temptations — how i wish to slay you and be free of your clutch. how i would smite you with broad iron, and puncture your mindless urgings w/ an arrow from afar… how i detest this lust within me… this consummation of darkness… this corruption of imagination… this falling short of righteousness.. this breakage in integrity… *sniffs*

I know — each person has their own area of weakness, lying, stealing, swearing, hating, disrespect, so many events prone to one’s suceptability — each dart piercing one person in that area…. and i find myself falling over and over to this sinful lust… sure all sin is sin and i probably at a lower frequency at most of those things… i don’t really steal, hatred not really… lying sure — but not too often… swearing probably like less than 7 times in my life… but thats mostly cause of my extremity in introvertedness.. i don’t need to swear or lie cause i think so much more than i say… regardless of what relativity to other ppl — sin is sin, and i deserve to be smite, i deserve to be condemned to teh deepest of depths… to the darkness unceasing. yet — after being confronted time and time again…. after repenting over and over… i sit here still … 8 years since my initial dive in to this pool of darkness.. still often enticed and captivated — seduced to treason and a promiscuous way of thinking. i wish to flee this wayward path… to be broken of this unholy yoke… and to live a life in purity — pure in mind, word, emotions. pure in motive, thought, perception.

talked to Gabes today about CC during Calc and he was telling me about what he’s heard all the tempations and everything in university.. and i’m just blown away at the thought that i woudl fall so miserably… not because my faith is untrue or my desire for God lacking…. but because it hits my weakest point and so often i fall for it myself… with out the external push to temptation… oh fearfulness — i pray for an accountability partner… i’d ask Gabes or Herm or maybe UV… but i don’t know… i just pray that God will provide someone… before i go out to look, i’m tired of this wayward living — i can’t do this alone, i can’t overcome this myself… even with God it burns me from within… i need someone to counsel me, someone i can pour myself out to… prayers… someone who isn’t doing it just cause i asked.. and vanishes as weeks go by…

i’m tired of living this ‘christian - righteous life’ with this blotch of disdain corrupting what is God focussed…. i’m tired… i want to be free….

*tears*

Check this out…
http://www.storewars.org/flash/index.html
its another take on Starwars! not some ep3 stuff tho… its pretty good and nutritious.. pretty cheesy but nicely done… its great esp for ye health freaks out there

hm… quite a while since i’ve not really had much to say… nothing really too deep to ponder, nothing too casual to chatter and joke about… just sort of the middle, much like the grey over clouded sky outside… tired, and a bit of weariness… lazyness definately dont’ really want to do much… but gotta concentrate & focus tonight.. Data Test tomorrow, along with a whole bunch of other mini assignments which will be do soon… funs.. 1 month of school left…. as shirley said its one month too many, and i’m totally w/ that…. 1 month short as it may seem on paper… is also 30 days and 720 hours… not to mention for me two more isus, an essay, at least one presentation and a whole bunch of minor homework assignments and quizzes / tests. its the home stretch as Gabes said… yet this is probably the hardest part of the whole race… when pressure isn’t as intensive in the middle.. and everyone is just weary and waiting for summer…. lacking sleep, lacking motivation… and the last bit thats so easy to give up and let it slide….

soon though, soon it will be here and i will forget this day and the only proof of its existance will be this lil blog entry these few kb of text in the sql db… fun.

Fruit of the Spirit I want to focus on this coming week is self control.
Self control in purity.
Self control in rest.
Self control in the words and actions that i do, or not do.

Jesus characteristic i want to embrace is — servanthood.
gotta be more attentive and utillize my knowledge / skills / capacity to find minor lil ways i can serve.

*cheers*