pearbox : undefined

one parent so sweet, so loving and considerate.. the other an inconsiderate directive person who doesn’t care what i feel, waht i think… doesn’t even see the any difference.. just goes on… and makes jokes which are ridiculously provoking and incite so much anger… that if it’d been a volcano it would’ve erupted four times over in a matter of 4 seconds.

grim bleak —

getting me to do things which are “already done” except i have to overhaul the whole thing cause of microsoft’s idiotic ness. and his insistance to use Word… to make a ‘website’ in .DOC format …. and to embed pictures and want me to convert it to normal html w/ all graphics linked properly… to oblivion is say…

its done.. but i’m unhappy and i wish it would burn.

ungrateful, uncaring, unwanted.

diminished.

something to celebrate … after getting my Rogers crappy ultra lite itnernet set up 128 kbps… i might actually stay with Bell ADSL and 3.0 mb/s too!! !!! dad just called to cancel bell… and the usual nagging w/ marketing.. adn they finally offered first 6 months of internet at $36 w/ $15 credit, which is $20 / mo :D, then for the rest of the year the credit goes to $10… which means about $25… which is pretty good … since the usual price is $39 for bell…. *yummies!*

hehe *cheers* so maybe i won’ be waiting a minute to see my 2 MP pictures.. or waiting an hour and some to upload my 70 some pics
yah!

on another note — finished writers craft journalistic article thing…
temporary Word format -
http://www.orangesimile.net/pearbox/temp/journalistArticle.doc

text only version below. w/o fancy pics Fruits, The New

was just looking through my really old emails on outlook cleanign that out… and found this poem which Jerry wrote to me from Australia… if you’ve read my testimony this is also the poem which did save me from committing suicide.. and ending my life in total defeat… this is the poem which gave me hope for those few extra days to last — to survive and ultimately be found by Jesus again. Special Cheers go to Jerry! *hugs* love this poem! — i will print this out momentarily and frame it

Blissful Memories, Hard Reality

When was that day?
the day when I vowed to myself,
“I will fight death to my last breath,
old and full of years.

Oh that day was wonderful
But now I am afraid I cannot carry that vow,
as I am looking out the window at the 13th floor.
The pain of life was too great and life was going to end.

Oh the passion of life was gone,
the intoxicating breath of life;
An empty shell was all that remained.
No will to fight death no more.

A breath of painful, stinging air,
the fiery red of the sun beating on me.
Just days ago, the air was refreshing and cool,
with beautiful scenery of the rising sun.

What had happened to my friend?
The one I had lost when I moved.
I smiled at the memories of this friend,
the sleepovers, parties, and much more.

I remember the friendliness he brought,
how the day brightened when he came.
How he was caring and loving,
with traits of my dream best friend.

I remember we had similar interests,
while exact opposites at others,
Dangerous to be close friends,
there would be great pain if one of us left.

And yet despite this warning our friendship grew;
until everyone knew of our reputation,
of new best friends together in school.
Best friends that classmates had never known.

But one day this all came to an end.
On the first year of my new found best friend.
A teary goodbye was all we could bear,
with a sleepover for remembrance.

Yes those were the days,
when I also vowed I would make a difference,
and with growing realization,
I realized that I still could.

As I climbed off the window,
I could still make a difference!
I could still keep my vow!
And with growing excitement, I made a difference.

It was only a small, insignificant letter,
a letter that I hoped would make a difference,
on my best friend’s life.
I made a difference after all.

And now that I have realized,
that I am worth more than I look,
I vowed to myself again,
to never be so foolish to suicide.

NOTE: Some of this is not true. Dedicated to Perry.
By: Jerry Dang 8G

shifting my focus to the short term i realize i have so many quiet lil aspirations i want to get at… its Victoria Day weekend and well… to me it feels like summer already… got my window open, my room cleaned up again, and i’m just sitting here under the clouded sunlight eating some chow fan yum! Music going around me on my twin speakers… and just ideal for work or relaxation if i so please…. that is if this was the summer.. unfortuantely it isn’t… still May and got a month or so… yes its *official summer* but as most will tell you summer doesn’t start until school starts…. and that i hold true for my present circumstance.

But yes — so many quiet aspirations, so many little things i’m itching to get at that i don’t think i’ll be able to do everything since the more i want to do.. the thinner my time is spreading…. so less concentration and less ‘expertise’ in one particular area. not fun. really want to read up on photography and photoshop so i can tone my ‘artistic’ side…. not to mention it pics give inspiration to poetry which i might be able to work on during the summer… i’ve got 3dsmax studio to learn.. 3d rendering bliss… overtly this is one overloaded piece of professional software which is gonna take me forever to learn… and i’ll only use it for very lil… so maybe i can put it on delay… website theres XHTML/CSS/PHP — *hms* will probably hold off on the php… but xHTML / CSS is a must to realign my site to my pearbox theme… guitare… haha thats kinda way off somewhere… and then there’s reading which i promise myself i will pick up more on cause of my quickly deteriorating english… *oy* ironic. an english writer who’s bad at english. should probably read up on psych / philo too… *sighs* my hobby of acquiring and consuming knowledge and skillsets… haha mongering

philosophy of equiping ones self in as many areas as possible so that when God calls me (to whatever he does), i’ll have the resources and know how… at least familiarity and some expertise in areas which can propel me. not to mention learnign is fun! outside of school that is… interest learning is quite delightful.. a lot slower but at your own pace and its just a wold of discovery

hms almost 11 — gotta head on over and write / study / code…
lots of work today… bliss.

WELCOME BACK
Gabes/Cat/Tammy/ otherp ppls ~

Gallery Updated with Fireworks photos — go and see.
+shirley i will be sending you the link to the zip file so you can add it to the archive
>>pics and all will go soon after so go check it out if you’re so inclined to.

special mentions
thumb moon
bird << fav for this album.
but yah — nothing too too special la

*yawns* really tired — so no long post — still have to finish writing my article… bla…

a nice simple day so far… went to church in the morning and Arthur’s sermon about ‘What’s in a name’ haha romeo & juliet shakespeare.. and i guess worship surrounding that service was just so wow.. nothing exceptional to all the other worship things we’ve done every week… nothing particularly interesting or *extremely cool* nah, just in the absence of distraction to just lift one’s hands up, and praise the Lord with all one’s heart and will…. so *smiles* free from the emotional draft which takes us in conferences, free from the distraction of thinking how one looks to someone else…. like sure that was there but to just close ones eyes and face away and focus all attention on God been thirsting for him an aweful lot lately… through the busyness through the mental exhaustion really need to draw closer to him in quiet time (devos), and depend on him more so that theres ‘more of Him in my live’ Back to the sermon… quite interesting about how people get named stuff of what they’re expected to be and all these kwlz examples in the Bible… for me perry.. thats an fermented (alcoholic) pear drink lol — that means maybe my life aspirations are to be brewer when i grow up or i’ll be an alcoholic rofl great thing it doesn’t for those name references i’d rather go w/ my chinese name which didn’t get picked just cause it sounded cool and one of my uncles used it for his alias to some thing.. (yah don’t ask me why…. aliasse ids whatever O.o). my chinese name means bright light, pretty so whatever that means for the aspirations my parents have for me well thats up to God’s leading and whether i fullfill that *shrugs* still a pretty image tho. ahh poetry. how i love you *hugs poetry*

for sunday school we went to tim hortons and i got my usual mocha capuccino!! yummies! hot chocolate & coffee & cream!! yay!! one of my few pet peves… lol — hms av next week gonna get one then too but yah pretty kwlz since i got the chance to treat tim & steph out for food *cheers* and then we just talked about missions and longlac and various things like that pretty fun… and to melissa / k-mel / holly — my wanting to serve is not because i’m ‘practicing’ for future and finding a wife!! i merely do that because well thers a number of reasons as including my insistance on opening / holding doors… in grade 9 (?) — we studied Mark the book which portrays Jesus as a humble servant and the teacher was really kwlz and she went really indepth and i was just blown away by the imagery (yes… *hugs poetry again*) and been challenged to do that — after all its just a little act of kindness small and simple things which often get neglected — and in a sense thats what i love doing serving in small simple ways not to be praised and have all the attention no… i wanan serve in small and simple ways — that i guess connects to the whole doing a BIG THING for jesus — gotta master the small first. what i found really delightful last week sunday, don’t think i shared this but just how i was standing in the meeting and saw Micheal / Edward doing what i would do and going from table to table taking people’s lates to throw away…. *smiles* i’m delighted cause so rarely do you see that — and hopefully my own little benign actions helped influence that. as for the opening door thing lets see was it grade 7? or grade 8? whe i was sitting at school and just huddled in a corner doing my hwk while everyone outside was chattering and making lots of noise a few girls were talking about how there’s this guy who never lets girls open the door and how he’s such a gentleman and bla bla bla, so being the lil kid eves dropping — the shadowed (unnoticed) observer - i found that image quite delightful and worth following — i was like hey that’d be cool! no not to be the talk of girls and stuff… but just well ok whats the bad things for beign a ‘gentleman’ ? nothing its a desireable characteristic and from that day forth i’ve ventured to master it. add that with the studies in Mark it all combined together probably why i like the song Humble King so much — one of the songs from TC 2001 when my life got flipped around so pretty so beautiful.

back to the sermon today — haha i totally messed up the sequential order of how things occured but yah it was odd cause after my blog not too logn ago — about the doing BIG THINGS for Jesus… Art seemingly used the same words and mentioned my very own philosophy i had just talked to my mom about yesterday — about how yes most everyone was going to a good unviersity and i chose to go to York this *not so special shall we say* university — and sure i can go into most any program they are — haha engineering @ queens? i can do that Compsci ? probably Business/lifesci ? journalism at ryerson / guelph humber? maybe even that, my courses/marks can get me anywhere that doesn’t require algeo but why YorK? cause tis close…. cause it’d be cheaper but if that wasn’t the case out of all the prestigious schools why York? because… i’m not aspiring to get rich and be all that — sure my Uncle frowned at my choice of York cause it didn’t measure up to all the schoools my cousins were going to, and their job prospects w/ teh degree.. sure… i don’t care. if i make millions i don’t think i’d change my lifestyle…. i don’t care much for $, i’m just me… *shrugs* lol lack of prospects lack of future some would say…. lol oh wells — may God bring me to my destination. eternal providence.

haha personified expression? (haha shirley its art! +hope you feel better soon!)

wow this entry is getting pretty long.. i dunno want so much to express, want so much to write and inspire. *muses* after some thought — i think i don’t really mind if strangers come visit my blog…. afterall its my life from the core, unrestricted and unshadowed…. it bears my faults, it bears my tears and it it also is a written manifestation of my life, my living testimony… and ultimately it is to reflect God’s glory with emotion, with praise, with poetry, with my camera.
hehes so want to welcome my unknown friend from windsor — my apologies for any negative connotations (under tone) i may have projected towards you — just still would like to know you :p

wells should off to work soon, got writers craft and data scheduled for today then compsci afterwards..
*cheers*

just wanted to post this..
since vvn accused me of speaking in riddles after saying —
i bid goodnight to the world. farewell. i vanish like the moonlight as grey clouds revere around it. vanished.

i decided to show her what speaking in riddles would be like (if i were to actually do it)

Knock Knock!
who’s there?
LEAVING
leavign who?
Leaving you cause i’m going to bed goodnight!

haha pretty corny but nevertheless… speaking in riddles.. bla

imagine coming back from an overtly normal day of school, and after taking the mail you glance over the envelopes as you sor them by your parents’ names, and theres one official looking one addressed specifically to you. You take that epistle up to your room, where you glean your silver looking letter opener and carefully cut open the envelope giving the room a resonating sound of paper tearing.. you read its contents and you find that it claims that your true parents have come and they would like to have you back the letter signed two unfamiliar names and your parents… and you just sit back in confusion.. You Awake
- Epilogue - scene 1. of Dream of ‘confused identity’

after going to sleep lastnight and wondering what i should do about privacy issues on my blog and whether or not i should privitize it and not put it on the front of my page and finally falling into slumber…

i found myself in my room surrounded by four lovely purple walls… i was at my computer…. kind of dreary and depressive, and stack of homework next to me… and i sort of just sat there trying out a new GUI (graphic user interface) for my computer… and a short knock at my door turned my attention around. and my mom came in and asked me when i would be leaving for my new family…. i stutter half in tears and said i don’t want to leave, no they were what i knew to be my family and they were the ones i loved, this ther ‘family’ didn’t even have proof yet… they only had legal documents and what not ’saying’ that i supposedly were part of their family… no I wanted real tests genetic tests — and even if proved to be their offspring… images of lianne in the backyard playing w/ a ball and my tearful and happy times w/ my mom flashed before me… even if i were their offspring i wouldn’t want to leave this family.. My mom nodded, but told me that this family was apparently really rich and i’d have a far better life there — and she didnt’ want to keep me from having a brighter future… I shrugged cause i didn’t care about wealth — she nodded, and smiled, giving me a hug and softly told me that i had to atleast visit the family tonight– after i finished my hwk so i better not go so late… I nodded impaissively as i turned back to my computer and heard the soft click of the door close… I Awake
-scene 2. of Dream of ‘confused identity’

and so i guess here i am haha at my comptuer again just reflecting on this really scary dream — i think this one was far scarier than those ones w/ ‘monsters’ just because of teh realism and i’m not a child to be captivated by odd dreams of monsters which i know that don’t exist. This dream left me awake with a dry fear where i had to think back to my childhood — and reconfirm myself, such was the realism… some stunning parallels to Dicken’s Great Expectationis — which i finished last night was really odd… so that might be one of those ‘pillars of influence’ that got into my dream.. oddly tho the first part of my dream happened a few months even years ago? and after awakening i just felt that uncanny familiarity with the event… the unravelement of the subconscious story… oddly provoking.

---

blog privacy — i wonder if i should close down my blog and move it to some secluded lil folder on my part of the server, not because i have anything to hide in my blog but since there is a severe level of private stuff i write about… which i wouldn’t really care revealing to my friends, or a select few acquaintences… but strangers i dunno… we’ll have to see.
I could privitize my blog for the ‘locked effect’ — but then most of my friends would have to make an account on my blog just to read it.. not that i always write to entertain — just i value your comments / insight — and encouragement is often pleasant — there to let me know that in midst of busy hectic times that you’re still there and whatever happens you guys are there w/ me
so i dunno gotta figure something out — if i just fill this blog w/ useless linsk and random stuff i wouldn’t really post much and there’d defeat a purpose of a blog. hms.. the other more drastic appraoch is to wield the powers of the administrator and settle a nice blockade of security measures between their part of the country (or their country as madpenguin would suggest) and my site… course that would be rather drastic and i’d rather not do that.

acrostic
blkness, an air of dark energy
lighting fires with intrisic power
knocking people down and falling a blunder.
mage of silence, mage of plight
alas this mage wields his power in awesome thunder.
gentoo his magic, and linux his steed.
endowed power — run with fright!

wells off to work for me — got lots of treasury stuff to do, and downgrading to rogers today *fun :* then with what time i have left got to off to the doctors and start doing hwk… so adieu~

wells another end of the week, another great long sigh and a bit of rest and a lot of work to clutter up my long weekend. *smiles* fun. tonight we had aletheia, well part of aletheia since a lot of people went to CC — Campus Challenge 2005 yeah! hehes i didn’t go not sure if i really want to cause of the whole lots of work thing, and i dunno ever since my last TC i don’t find myself too ‘hyped’ up about conferences, liek sure yah they’re fun and all but i dont’ want to get emotional… really hate the cheering and the loud fun.. but ‘obnoxious’ chatter — hardly the excuse not to go i know, but i just guess… becoming a bit more reclusive lately.. like the quiet privacy the confines of my world..

gonna miss Gabes / Cat especially —
miss you guys!!! haha we still have to go out sometime and let me treat you out !!

hms aletheia was interesting tonight… once again find myself shut up in a corner without much to say to the few guys who are around… haha i’m so out of things as usual, *shrugs* oh wells — at least i got to take a few pictures and do my cool ’sitting down thing’ which eric so wanted to see again heh… *sighs* unseen and hidden away the person of perry is. seen as so simple, seen as so quiet, little do they all know that beneath that slice of present reality there is me — wanting… wanting what? hms *shrugs* mehs aletheia guy things don’t seem to ever work out for me — guess i’m a bit too relational for them haha like the question ‘what do you look for in friends’ question all about hockey, skating, interests and what not.. and i was like faithfulness after a split second of acknowledgement it got shuffled off to the side.. hehs *shrugs* relational lil mee. weird how… other than herman and yam out of the guys couldn’t really talk to anyone and i didn’t have much to say to yam/herm anyways — haha thanks Shirley/Janice for chatting w/ me — yes you’re wondering O.o why do you ahve to say thanks for such a lil thing.. but i actually do really appreciate it extremely quiet introvertive ppl like me love the silence but when oppertune comes, we cherish the conversations, not just mindless casual chatter but words with real concern and true depth. thanks!

hm… want to continue my lil reflection on who i am… but i guess i’ll save that for another time need to rest some and then catch some sleep tonight… recover from massive coughing..

so good nite !

-> if you’re the ‘me’ person who commetned in the *sighs* entry please identify yourself. thanks.
(yes even if i don’t know you… i’d like to find out) +correction you’re from windsor? hms

*muses* quite funny — useless, but entertaining..
http://oak.psych.gatech.edu/%7Eepic/
its about media (journalism), M$ vs google, technology enjoy