pearbox : undefined

hms… haven’t really had much motivation to blog lately — that quiet drain of creative innovation, so filled with social parties and thins, first with prom, then with graduation, and then the downtown thing last night…. haven’t really gotten down to be still and to listen to God’s voice… nor to really quiet down to let my subconscious stir in it’s delicate mauve.. nope just running around — full of action but so little of the mind. a pitty. so i guess i’ll talk some more about the past few events, not sure if i really have much poetry i can realy write at the time being… but *shrugs* still my expression.

lets begin back at graduation two days ago… like i posted before it wasn’t too eventful, just ceremonious hysteria… but *cheers* i’m officially graduated and have moved on from highschool… nothing like embracing the warm summer air, the rush of aromatic flowers, and the sunlight which paints the sky from the morning at 5 all the way to 9ish… beautiful absolutely beautiful. just so good to be out and relaxing — for the after grad party we — gabes/nate/johnny/adrian ended up going out to commerce for bubble tea yet again, fun stuff as usual tho this time nate worked his charm and got a few of the VISA students to come haha nathan ‘yut chi goh couw siy kery’ lol me and my chinese antics — all cause of johnny :p but it was pretty enjoyable… had a grapefruit green tea with lychee jelly and just chattered and took pics w/ them kiddies, pretty kwlz & funny how the girls were sorta chattering about nate and how cute he was in chinese lol — go evesdropping. then after that drove them home — lol first time driving a full car so like johnny said was a bit nervous and pulled a abrupt lane change which sorta swung the car a bit *oh wells* — then drove adrian home and coming back in my tiredness felt myself get lost in my subconscious wind. so i was giong up kennedy and as i neared pacific mall i was still driving straight… next minute i know i’m past steeles still going — but having absolutely no recollection of what i just past.. kinda scary… driving while mentally exhausted… not a good thing…. won’t do that again — thank God for keeping me safe and i guess taking over for those few seconds while i caught a few awake yet unconscious moments. got home at 1 — and just slept after cat clarified tuesday’s ordeals.

Yesterday — tuesday went out at 12 rather groggy and still really tired — took the subway down to Dundas and met up w/ Cat to get gifts for sherms, then sherms came and we loitered around for a few hours… then gabes & char came and we headed out to ’spring rolls’ for some thai food w/ ali/carrie and watched mr. & mrs. smith… which was alrite.. being my 2nd time watching it… *shrugs* not much plot or character development — flat characters - the professional ‘hulk’ who doesn’t care about details, impulsive guy lol brawn :p and the professional ‘lady?’ who is all so careful and strategic with the technological edge ‘brain’ and they just duke it out with big guns, small guns, knives, cleavers, wrenches, fists, etc… action filled with a few ‘twists’ to fill in the supposed ‘plot’ meh… funny things me and cat were talking about were the really random allusions to Jesus. slight spoiler warning — so every now and then they would use the Lord’s name in vain, which was sorta weird but i guess ‘part of culture’ tho i don’t remember ppl saying that expression since grade 3, there was that cross hanging n their van while they duked it out with those 3 bmws, then after their house blew up they were wearing these weird jump suits which had in hot pink letters ‘JESUS ROCKS’ lol me and cat were cracking up at that one.. after that just moseyd around indecisively and finally went home… man so exhausted afterwards just wanted to close my eyes to sleep but i had to read the york stuff still… so ended up drifting through it and finally deciding — alrite just read course selection stuff… course then i found myself reading blogs… and chatting on msn lol — when i finally withdrew from teh comptuer i wnet downstairs and had a cup or so of ice cream… hm… ice cream

minutes later i wake up and find it to be around 4ish? and i pick myself up and wander to bed… where i wake up at 6 and get right back to the course selection… ugh ended up all my late night and early morning efforts weren’t that necessary cause tho they ask you to read it all, they didn’t really expect us so basically i went in and they were still explaining teh book and half the ppl had no idea what was happening lol — i ended up changing some of the selections for my course but ended up with a nice outline with 30 credits… and a few fun courses.

Introduction to Psychology (3 hours) 6.0 credits — straight thru 3 hour lecture yikes
Introduction to Linguistics (3 Hours) 6.0 — mon/wed
Understanding Digital Arts (haha fine arts!) (3 Hours) 6.0 - early wake up on tuesday
Humanities - Eastern Culture - Ancient China/Japan (4 hours)9.0 - so many times of meeting.
Writing - Theories to Writing - (2 Hours) 3.0 - starts 2nd half of year.. (Wednesday)

so yah… theres my outline hour distribution & credits things.. fun fun. gonna be quite a long year i think, since i’m not really going straight into cognitive science yet… just taking generalized courses.. which i purposely chose to revolve around cognitive sci… humanities — get to know culture a bit more then next year i really gotta take the madarine course! writing should be pretty fun cause it somehow links with cogs / psych / linguistics. .. digital arts.. haha i took a fine arts course! digital photography / videography and thigns… hopefully it’ll be lighter to off set that crazy humanties course. writing got a small one… wanted this 9.0 credits intensive course tho they closed that for proffessional writing majors.. so i could’ve taken taht had i declared writing as my major :p oh wells ~

seems alrite — lots of fun reading in psych/linguistics, got a bit of art to clear the mind, interesting culure, and loveable writing (without so much analyzing and things :D)

so yah— thats that.
hms really don’t know what to write about right now… not really feeling much except really hot from the two computers and teh trapped air in my room… ugh 30 degrees… really gotta clean my room today so much stuff lying around from exams… gotta clean up and prep for JMC which i’ll be going tomorrow — *sighs* see you catherine >.< won't see you for a while. gabes *sniffles* miss you :P so yah.. might not be able to blog -- since i somehow doubt i'll have access to the wireless network at Brock... but who knows? i'll bring my laptop and see.... need to either read up on linux or install windows for 'easier' configuration... either way if i can i'll blog -- and see some of you on msn at nignt (maybe...)

wells off to cleaning my room and being in the restful embrace of silence.
*cheers*

hm.. feeling rather sour and bitter right now — kinda unhappy & upset about myself, parents - frustration thats become thats imbued. yesterday was grad and it was pretty fun i guess — ceremonious ritualistic bliss… hms i’ll talk about it tonight when i get home… sorta just need to rant and throw some darkness around, i guess one of the things which is upsetting me is this feeilng that i’m being misunderstood… by my parents — annoyances which plague a young person’s life. just so ugh.. after grad i was downstairs and knowing that my mom / grandma were upstairs i went up skipping the party and the food to take a few pics w/ them… so i go up and my dad is sorta fumbling with the camera… and saying this and that… but we manage to get a few pics taken — and i want to go back down cause we’ve just spent ‘x’ amount of time looking for them, taking pictures standing around, and all that and really ppl are leaving.. so i withdraw and my mom somehow gets upset at me cause i appeared ‘rude’ that i didn’t take enough pics w/ my them… and i’m like :O i came up just for that purpose — and i only had a taste of punch, didn’t even eat cake… and i’m missing so many pics downstiars! >.< but whatever i went downstairs to go finish off the last bit of the lil party... missing so many pics >.< *sniffles* ugh!!! then today in the morning my mom was talking about that, and even called me during work.. so i'm sorta ugh... yah pissed --- but i'm out for today... downtown for me w/ gabes/kat/sherm/ali?/carrie? so bleh i guess... can't find my stupid CD player that i lent my dad... thinking of bringing my camera.... daw.. so hot outside.... gotta walk 25 min... ahh so bitter... so much darkness. hopefully in the silence of walkign down and subwaying.. i'll clear up... and let God's word flush through me... man.

got to read those booklets for york and pick courses for tomrorow…. so behind.. so frustratign ahhhhh

forward looking it’ll be over soon.. gone — oblivion.

more on grad & after grad later la.

Prom pics Update:
Tammy’s Picturse Uploaded!
carrie’s pics
Joyce Mak’s ImageStation
Alison’s ImageStation

well 7:28 right now — getting some good ol’ windows apps to install on my lil laptop — lol office xp (tim’s gonna maul me over with a bulldozer :p), still gotta get PS7 / 3dMax? and Studio MX — and then gfx card and most everything should be ready to go a bit awkward… i dunno why but two of my close friends are going through relational type breakups & messyness : and they’re both sort fo mix up where one party has mixunderstood the situation or something… (one on both sides of the table, but different situations) *sighs* makes you really want to comfort them… tho its hard cause i can’t really side with both — and if they were at point b and c i’d be over at point p way off to the south somewhere.. just wish they’d find harmony — praying for you twoo!!

calc
agitation / sorrow & all those negative lil things but just remember… in the grand picture, the grand schme of things — the present is jsut lim x -> a and at such a minute point… you really won’t be remembering all the sadness later on… when you’re at point L(a+h), h being the time that has passed since then.. not to mention when you do look back and remember the bit — you’ll be like… that guy/girl wasn’t the right one…. wasn’t really worth all the tears and everything… (i mean thats why there’s this break anyways rite?) so just hang in there and look forward… remember God is limitless — he transcends those points in your life where you feel have holes in them, he transcends beyond when your life goes up or down in some massive emotional rollercoaster — (vertical asymptotes). just gotta trust in his will and take the derivitive…

ok that was an extremely bad attempt at satirizing calculas & perspective… but you get my point –
off to grad practice soon… then tonight grad ceremony commencement thing.. bla

*sighs* first morning after prom night and i woke up at 6:02 AM today and looked around seeing the pretty red sunrise rising just over the houses that are at the end of the circle… and that infatuated affinity sorta just hits a brick wall as i realize… i won’t see my dear friends as much anymore… i find that even though i didn’t really talk to some of them that much — that deep inside i really treasured them and as we draw apart now… the few memories we have seem the paint the morning air…. haha just like when i sat up on my bed today.. sorta saddened : not gonna see them as often… and some of them again : *sighs*

i really miss them — gabes & nathan especially my two faithful and dear friends whom have been there with me all these years through thick and thin past the good and the bad, then tammy, and alison, johnny, a whole lot of everyone… kinda sucky the feeling tho friendship we’ll keep growing and striving towards God forever

today went to church early and was just blown away by God’s presence and my deep heartfelt desire to worship him… his loving embrace just lavishing in his grace… with song, with action, with thought— just wholely saturated in him — that inner joy that fills *smiles* to know that despite the leaving of some of my closest friends that God is always there as my ‘bestest of friends’ and my beloved.

the challenge in today’s sermon was recognizing God’s call to service and responding in a humble, self recognizing, yet faithful way… a few thoughts which blazed past my mind during the sermon was… i’m done high school and now as i embark on this part of my life what will God call me to? To me i would love to serve out on the missions field with Gabes & Cat or any of my close friends just working together in a partnership before God — i toyed with the thought of celibacy (O.o) since some of the vanity of a ‘romantic type’ relationship has been shadowing my resolve for some while… kinda a crazy, bold and unorthodox thought which if God ends up calling me to is gonna mean a lot of transformation — just cause of my own weaknesses to particular sins, my occaisional emotional flares and what not… tho i think — if i can get past and live a pure life, fullfilled — and have my friends there serving w/… i’d love to have that oppertunity to serve wholeheartedly and worship wherever and however He calls me to. Another interesting thought that flickered through my mind was writing — i’m not particularly good at writing i can write artful or professional sounding things which are filled with extended sentences… and decorated with images and things… was thinking how cool writing devotionals would be… i mean think about it each day you spend time reflecting on the word, just communing with the Father — just meditation adn writing in a creative inspiring way… on top of that — you serve directly to people by directly scribing what God desires for them to hear…. and you still have time to serve and do all the cool things God has prepared for you to do… way cool pay is probably not as crazy but — an interesting thing to do nevertheless… maybe i’ll try writing a bit more of those reflection type things sorta like my spiritual infant post…. i like writing those.. mehs..

turns out i’m not going north this coming week… instead going to JMC 05 — joint missions conference… *sighs* don’t really wanna go… but guess through all teh avoidence and my parents finally deciding to go, God might have something to say — and hey it’ll be cool to step out in to the open… tho i miss my friends so very much *sighs* at least this will be ONE conference i will be going to… haha skipped so many this year — which is unlike my usual thing… bleh

oh… and got my ugly dell today — got linux running on it.. quite a bit ways off from configuring it to its optimal performance and eye candy… but its pretty good got 3 hours and 10 min of juice in it, DVD reader CDRW(?) sorta just stumbling along on the unfamiliar interface… funs —

wells thats all for now la.. *hugs & cheers to my friends*

wells its 10:14 — just finished uploading all those prom pics that everyone has been wanting me to take — got 190 some… so enjoy *cheers* plentiful i’m sure — they’re in 3 MP with a few in 4MP so you can print most everything in normal format and a few in half page format and if its not in ‘full format’ you can always get it professionally stretched hehes — oh yah some pics kinda have some crazy blur effects and ‘ghosts’ in them… due to bad lighting / exposure and my hazy photography skills… still just for prom my camera was well worth it yah! so yah — for those of you who are so impatiently waiting — you can head over to the Gallery for everyone else who wants to know what happened, feel free to read on — tho something tells me that this entry might be a bit lengthier than my usually already lengthy posts.. but hey its prom night so gotta recollect most every detail i can remember… i’ll try to keep it as concise as possible so here we go.

pre-prom
So before prom while my dad was driving me over to Kimmy’s house and i was just talking to him about the stupor and philosophical mauve that i’ve been rendering my mind towards over the past bit… the mixed emotions and just the purpose of prom cause tho i wanted to go… at the same time it felt a bit too much like one of those ‘ritualistic’ things without meaning… hehe not to mention i really wanted to worship God at aletheia last night cause the long awaited praise and worship! but i’m glad i chose to go to prom and stayed over night that was one super fun night — haha but i’m getting ahead of myself.

@Kimmy’s house
So yeah, arrived at Kimmy’s house at around 6:30 and spent a while outside w/ gabes/adrian/terry just posing and takign various shots — the first few in the gallery which was pretty fun — then we went inside and took more pics haha so dazzling inside with all the pretty ladies (yes.. you all looked great!) and highlight was probably was adrian’s hilarious attire, and lack of hygene! lol white socks & Iverson hat… thats great! more casual mingling with some kewl shots from the camera whence the SUV-limo came and we headed out again — lol @ gabes/cat with the slipper ‘encounter’

Prom VIA SUV-limo
SUV limo was pretty kwlz i guess — not too much to do all squished in the limo - highlights were mainly adrian’s socks again, joking about drinks & extra charges to nathan’s credit card, and how insanely cheap our school is…memoriable but that eventful — haha cause i had a bad angle so i had no idea what was going on :p)

Arrival at Prom
Arriving at prom was pretty kwlz i guess, hanging out, chillaxing, talking with old friends and of course taking pics! (great how even in prom you get so many flashes — one would wonder in this day and age whence the culture is wrapped so tightly with digital cameras how one would survive the even bigger days of one’s life :p) so yah after a bit of minggling and moseying around we finally found a spot and sat down and the meal began which was basically salad with a lot of olive oil, red + white sauce w/ pasta, chicken which was really dry —had to drink it down with water, porkchops were alright… vegetables *meh* and potato spheres.. and dessert which was the best was one of those pancake like wraps around ice cream… really pretty with strawberries! further on we danced around like the crazy young adults we are, took more pics and the lot

raffel - the irony of gabriel
we also had a raffel for a prize which was $50 ikea gift card $50 fairview gift card, 13″ TV and an even smaller tv that had a DVD player embedded into it, hehe i won an ikea gift card (which i gave to my dad.. since he paid for my prom :p — but yes back to the irony) for those of you who know — adrian picked up my prom ticket on bbq wednesday and gabes gave it to me last sunday which means he had a 50:50 chance of keeping the winning ticket, then yesterday since gabes was w/ carrie he had the raffels and he gave her one of them and she ends up winning the tv lol…. poor gabes the irony — you had in your posession 2 winning tickets yet you got the third one… *awwww* oh the odds… you should’ve won tho!

other fun highlights — gabes/carrie’s crazy dancing — that was brilliant! nathan’s ”leg thing,’ alison’s loss of her shoes, the crazy dancing and just meeting up with so many friends *finds delight* but yah prom sorta just winds by and vanishes — program itself was kinda *shrugs* alrite la but nothing too special — haha thanks all of you guys & girls that made it so special !

after party
After party was sorta really really boring — haha waiting for 2nd car to join us and sorta avoiding all the alcohol and airborne marijuana that seemed to be floatign around — go figure… wanted to leave then but stayed w/ the rest of thems and it cleared out pretty well and just played gabes / nate some good ol’ ping pong — lol nate lucky on that 5th one man!

bubble tea!
At around 2:30 ish we left and dropped Peter off at his house, and went over to 186? 182? or some number ‘x’ bubble tea and got our respective lil drinks.. i got a rhaspberry green tea which tasted really bland… and apparently like lipstick O.o

beach
after leaving early tim dropped off melissa and we went back down to lakesure to ashbridge beach to finish off with watching the sun rise and just relaxing resting it out playing the crazy deviation game of ‘frogger’ (no not with cars!) playing guitar lying back and just starring off at the moon, the stars, the sky, clouds and the sun… haha oh rite there was that tackling game… lol pics will do this story much more justice than i can give it to words.. (euh… i’m so exhausted) then yah… haha ok i’m really out if it i’m sure you get the picture tho… (no worries we didn’t eat 3 eyed fish so we won’t have 3 eyes when you see us next lol)

end off —
so yah i think thats promenade in a nutshell… i think the night was great prom — overrationalized /philosophised it a bit too much — tho prom itself wasn’t too spizzaz, afterparty was pretty dry, but during the duration, bubble tea, beach it was amazing! haha thanks guys & girls !! made it one awesome night (and er morning) yay! Tammy, Carrie, Alison, Janice, Gabes, Nathan, Adrian, Tim — prom might have been kinda bland but friendship intensified it a fwe thousand fold!

+if you have prom pics send them over to me when i’m online and i can upload them onto the server.. if you would like a copy of the pics plz contact me … 208 mb for teh entire thing so best thru msn or BT — or maybe i’ll zip it and upload…. haha we’ll see make sure you let me know if you have pictures!

torrent for all pics from my camera

Alison’s ImageStation
Joyce Mak’s ImageStation
//euuh imagestation!! don’t upload your pics up here, its just a commercial sham for them to hold your images hostage at really low resolution so you can’t print –> send it over and i’ll keep it up on my server for a month or so so we can all get the pics

yes for those of you who don’t know yet i have my prom in a few hours… (prom is short for promenade which in turn has a deviant definition of taking a walk — hence the title of this entry) just got everything prepped up,l got stuff ironed, washed up gelled my hair, just waiting till around 5ish - 6 whence my dad gets home and drives me over… and thus at 6:45 we begin the night some have appraised as “the night of all nights” or something to that stupor… to me its seems to be another party, another party, seemingly my sentimentalist side hasn’t caught light that it is one of the last nights i’ll see several of my fellow classmates.. which to me is ironically and selfishly not too big of a deal. Its been a long grueling 4 years but i think the few friends that i have made will remain as friends to the next coming 4 grueling years and quite a few surpassing that — ‘transcending through time’ as i usually like to say.

There’s gabes (not gonna see you after prom till saturday at your game.. and then monday *sniffles*), nathan (remember to lift your foot like a girl when you hug your ‘date tonight’ :P), johnny (grr — you didn’t agree to come with mee!), adrian (chicken essence), terry (sorry - i couldn’t show you more of God’s love… now time’s about up– pray that you’ll meet him someday), tammy (friiieend!), joyce (enthusiastic… a bit too enthusiastic! odd how our lil ‘clqiues’ sorta mirror each other), amanda (aspiring writer!soar like northern wind does blow) — and the few other VISA students whom i’ve been getting to know as of late… ck (haha your antics w/ ms. brooks — scares me), Dickson, Yami, Sabrina and the other few that i don’t quite remember heh… and the roll of thems fine acquainences - jon, stephen, mike, tom, nathan, jc, and so on and so on…

despite the list of ppl i’ll be saying bye to… despite the farewells… i feel a deep sense of stupor (subconscious word for today) i feel but not really… *shrugs* prom tonight — gonna be fun i hope i’ll make it fun by being my usually hidden pleasant delightful self. afterall if everything else isn’t important to me i know that my friends are — and the reason i’m going is because my friends want me to and so i desire/delight to go w/ them — so guess i need to shift my paradigm/focus for a bit — to enjoy and ‘live it up as a high school graduate’ before i’m enslaved into be a ‘university student’ lol — i think the thing that i’m a bit uncomfortable is spending so much money on myself… haha me and my ‘cost effectiveness’ i don’t like spoiling myself with stuff… especially temporary delights — rather invest in smaller things which last longer to savour the flavours… tonight is gonna last a while… but not too long. a bit past sunrise and then we’d be turning home — and like the morning mist d the night will only linger on our minds for a second before it dissipates into our vapourous memory… where the true form and experience lies muddled up from our vision and recollection is only clearly seen on the pictures that we take… oh stupor oh stupor!

haha wells guess i’m gonna be off… gotta pack up the last bits of stuffs
flashlight/camera/battery/bag/clothes/smile

*cheers to tonight, for memories past, memories to come, and the friendships that have been forged through fire like endurence, may these friendships transcend through time and pass with us to the very end of ourage - bliss*

prayers
-sherman is sick : & he has (hard) Core Group camp
-gabes/carrie + nathan/alison & whatever other couples and ‘fun birds’ are going - spirit’s protection
-prom night (prom/afterparty/bbl Tea/beach) - to be a time which isn’t filled with alcohol / drugs / sex
-transportation - saftey
-energy : drivers / discernment / awareness of His presence.

+update on laptop — it has been received from fedex… so maybe i’ll get it by this sunday and get something to play with while i let teh backburner (subconscious) maul over design details on my site..

So Johnny got me symphonic rain today… some japanese kinetic novel… basically its like a book except you play the book (basically second person novel where the characters talk to you, and you talk back to them… not much narration just interaction with the characters… which is pretty fun i guess… EXCEPT that voice is in jap so i have no idea whats happening when its just vocals… the text i got it patched so now its in traditional chinese… and oh look i can only read 10-15% lol boo! its suppose to be a sad sappy story — much like all the other anime things i actually like… so i guess i’ll have to work at it and try and understand the story while learning chinese tack that onto the list of stuff perry has to get around doing but most likely won’t really finish *sighs* funs…

*cheers* just got home from my last and final exam.. haha high school is over ~ yay! finally the long awaited summer… and the numerous hobbies and ventures of knowledge that have been put on hold — time to shift my sleeping schedule and everything to match the much more productive and activity filled summer say sleep at 10-11… (maybe 12 occaisionaly) and wake up at 6-7ish and get crunching no the millions of things to do haha — yesterday i actually couldn’t sleep for a good 2 hours cause my mind kept chattering to me about all the things i can finally do! haha —

oh yah before i forget — many thanks to Jerry! Cat! and Shirley and whomever else has been praying for me these past two or so weeks! hehehe couldn’t have gotten through this without all of ya and of course God’s guidiance! *cheers*

a breif look at things to do this summer–
-meditation/relationship building w/ God 1-2 hrs a day
-learn to cook w/ mom!
-tweak laptop & begin converging old comptuers to linux
-redesign webpage — css php? xhtml? (haha tim you influence meee)
-photography - gimp/photoshop (fun)
-read World of Wonders (and return to Herman)
-get johnny PDL
-make Cat a card & maybe get her bday gift ^_^
-barrels of ice cream..
-spend 1 hr of exercise(running/walking/swimming) each day (haha probably the hardest one :p)
-course selection @ York 29th.
-TJCAC webpage revamp then perhaps resign (?)
-catch up on aletheia treasury stuffs
-find a job for 2nd half of summer aiyeee!
-finish webdesign thing
-revamp orangesimile (shirley?)
etc.. etc…

lol thats already a lot not including all the books i want to read… bibliographies - carl jung and a few ppls.

so yah… tomorrow is prom, and today i’m feeling much better… rather than my emotional overdraft which took me by surprise and came out in a gurgling mess of dark rambling… hehes — so no worries for anyone who’s been reading my blog i’m still alive, and well… not completely driven insane.. rofl — just stress and hazy unwatched emotions… prom turns out i’m not driving but gonna stay the whole night tomorrow — gotta pick colour of clothes and get everything ironed for tomorrow… hms.. fun fun. just gotta go to prom and enjoy it — forget the forward overrationalizing the mixed emotions, haha just gotta go and have fun lol i’m sure i’m not THAT anti social that my only source of ‘fun’ is my pursuit of knowledge haha (i hope not else i’d be pretty boring… and if i was pretty boring i’d be really surprised why ppl actually read my blog lol)

so yah — seems like after school is out everything has a much brighter glow to it— aura? weather? attitude most probably. *smiles*
its summer!

relax — rest — finaly.

:a bit of humour to lighten the mood.
jap translation - plz look left & right. (thanks johnny!)

*sighs* english exam done… kinda horrendously i think.. since it was ridiculously long and i had to rush lots of it just to get it done… good bye to good structure, and hello to completion… bad trade off probably but at least its better than getting 0 / 25 for taht section… rather disheartening… amongst other things like prom which as each day it draws nearer i want to just go to fellowship instead and pour myself out before God’s altar… *sniffles* — i realize i don’t care as much now about these ’sentimentalist’ ideas, sure they’re all good and i’m a romantic lil sentimentalist at heart and love my friends dearly and would love and cherish all memories with them… i just find it so vain — so vain and distant, sure i’d rather go to prom than half a dozen maybe thousand things… but i just want to be in God’s presence… i just want to have the intimate relationship with him where he completely fills me.. and i don’t have to worry about anything else — just finding comfort in his presence.

Prom now is getting a bit more complicated what w/ the after party and all that confusingness — 1 way limo there, then taxi back only to drive back up to west side of north york (?) for the after party… then drive down down to some beach? a bit ‘trixie’ — i doubt i can get the car if we’re going downtown, more so if we’re gonna take teh highway — sunrise *hms* in all realistic light, sunrises are boring… overdone and ‘unromantic’ if that might happen to be what we’re striving for… need to get a nice place free of mosquitos… just staring out into the night sky…. clear overhead, maybe the moon.. bleh.

but yah i dunno — mixed feeligns about prom … sure i’m excited in a positive way for it — yet at the same time its just a weighing cloud of misery that sorta floats above me… all this talk about going w/ ppls this and that — flickering emotions against my solemn resolve — turns out i’m gonna go w/o gabes lol — *cheers* to gabes for his ‘acquisition of a (taken out of context) hot commodity ‘ funs — i just wonder at the investment of $80 what fun or absence of fun i’ll have — just my usual silent quiet observation, with my camera which to me is already great fun that i get to be with my friends — i just.. dunno mixed emotions about it… can’t quite pin point it to anything… sorta this internal yearning, emptyness? lonliness? selfpity? misery… the negative connotations of darkness… maybe just feeling too much w/ emotional irrationality — or maybe its just cause i know for a fact i’m not into this type of partying
> thinking of maybe skipping home after thing — since it seems alcohol might be involved tho i’m not drinking i have my doubts.

so yah for my 25 minutes walking back up home after my distorted exam… those darkish emotions just filled me and seemingly resonated with the fibres of my existance…. words of poetry, imagary, imagination just flickered by like a torrent crashing down upon my senseless lil soul. like the sweet nectar of heartbreak, the silent scream of unhappiness, a whirlwind of sorrow… tears dripping down my face — like blood drawn from my soul. a storm of unhappiness, the entramped dolour of lonliness…. just washing, and pouring down over me… and helpless i stood walking northward… just whispering these emotions in my mind…
oh the insanity — beautiful but bitterly disheartening….
i think.. i want to cry.

something comforting..
‘blessed is the man who finds wisdom, the man who gains understanding, for she is more profitable than silver and hyields better returns than gold. she is more precious than rubies, nothing you desire can compare with her. long after life is in her right hand in her left hand are riches and honour, her ways are plesant ways and all her paths are peace, she is a tree of life to those who embrace her, those who lay hold of her will be blessed.’ Proverbs 3:13-18
comforting because — i don’t have to worry about all stuff about asking a lady to go to the nonsense vanity fair that is labeled ‘prom’ instead i can find comfort in embracing God’s character — his will, and conveniently wisdom/understanding is personified as a young lady… and possibly that young lady i’ve been searching for in my poetry and my emotions… *muses* maybe…
lol (tho i’d still hope that God brings me to a more physical representation of that lady than just the theory rofl)

yes — so as my lonely lil emotional self contemplates over that — i’ll just leave you now.

thanks again for everyone who’s been praying for me thus far, encouraging & supporting me… i think i might have lost the scholarship… but regardless — i am happy to be done 3 of them… 1 more and then freedom.

silence decends upon me.