internal sadness.
*sighs* english exam done… kinda horrendously i think.. since it was ridiculously long and i had to rush lots of it just to get it done… good bye to good structure, and hello to completion… bad trade off probably but at least its better than getting 0 / 25 for taht section… rather disheartening… amongst other things like prom which as each day it draws nearer i want to just go to fellowship instead and pour myself out before God’s altar… *sniffles* — i realize i don’t care as much now about these ’sentimentalist’ ideas, sure they’re all good and i’m a romantic lil sentimentalist at heart and love my friends dearly and would love and cherish all memories with them… i just find it so vain — so vain and distant, sure i’d rather go to prom than half a dozen maybe thousand things… but i just want to be in God’s presence… i just want to have the intimate relationship with him where he completely fills me.. and i don’t have to worry about anything else — just finding comfort in his presence.
Prom now is getting a bit more complicated what w/ the after party and all that confusingness — 1 way limo there, then taxi back only to drive back up to west side of north york (?) for the after party… then drive down down to some beach? a bit ‘trixie’ — i doubt i can get the car if we’re going downtown, more so if we’re gonna take teh highway — sunrise *hms* in all realistic light, sunrises are boring… overdone and ‘unromantic’ if that might happen to be what we’re striving for… need to get a nice place free of mosquitos… just staring out into the night sky…. clear overhead, maybe the moon.. bleh.
but yah i dunno — mixed feeligns about prom … sure i’m excited in a positive way for it — yet at the same time its just a weighing cloud of misery that sorta floats above me… all this talk about going w/ ppls this and that — flickering emotions against my solemn resolve — turns out i’m gonna go w/o gabes lol — *cheers* to gabes for his ‘acquisition of a (taken out of context) hot commodity ‘ funs — i just wonder at the investment of $80 what fun or absence of fun i’ll have — just my usual silent quiet observation, with my camera which to me is already great fun that i get to be with my friends — i just.. dunno mixed emotions about it… can’t quite pin point it to anything… sorta this internal yearning, emptyness? lonliness? selfpity? misery… the negative connotations of darkness… maybe just feeling too much w/ emotional irrationality — or maybe its just cause i know for a fact i’m not into this type of partying
> thinking of maybe skipping home after thing — since it seems alcohol might be involved tho i’m not drinking i have my doubts.
so yah for my 25 minutes walking back up home after my distorted exam… those darkish emotions just filled me and seemingly resonated with the fibres of my existance…. words of poetry, imagary, imagination just flickered by like a torrent crashing down upon my senseless lil soul. like the sweet nectar of heartbreak, the silent scream of unhappiness, a whirlwind of sorrow… tears dripping down my face — like blood drawn from my soul. a storm of unhappiness, the entramped dolour of lonliness…. just washing, and pouring down over me… and helpless i stood walking northward… just whispering these emotions in my mind…
oh the insanity — beautiful but bitterly disheartening….
i think.. i want to cry.
something comforting..
‘blessed is the man who finds wisdom, the man who gains understanding, for she is more profitable than silver and hyields better returns than gold. she is more precious than rubies, nothing you desire can compare with her. long after life is in her right hand in her left hand are riches and honour, her ways are plesant ways and all her paths are peace, she is a tree of life to those who embrace her, those who lay hold of her will be blessed.’ Proverbs 3:13-18
comforting because — i don’t have to worry about all stuff about asking a lady to go to the nonsense vanity fair that is labeled ‘prom’ instead i can find comfort in embracing God’s character — his will, and conveniently wisdom/understanding is personified as a young lady… and possibly that young lady i’ve been searching for in my poetry and my emotions… *muses* maybe…
lol (tho i’d still hope that God brings me to a more physical representation of that lady than just the theory rofl)
yes — so as my lonely lil emotional self contemplates over that — i’ll just leave you now.
thanks again for everyone who’s been praying for me thus far, encouraging & supporting me… i think i might have lost the scholarship… but regardless — i am happy to be done 3 of them… 1 more and then freedom.
silence decends upon me.