pearbox : undefined

*smiles* listening to Summer Lights music — while the birds outside are chirping and a slight breeze picks through my window… so relaxed… though i need to get studying… but english… so i’ll just take a bit of time to rant a bit on my lil blog… so yah if you haven’t read the laptop should be coming in soon.. a few weeks i estiamte… gotta get it shipped and then make my acquisition. this morning just had a few thoughts about what to do with it… (warning kinda geeky) since it is afterall an ugly dell… i really want to mod the exterior… most ideal would be to take it a part and spray paint it a nice polar white, and punch out the dell logo and replace it with a pear of some sort…. tho chances are i won’t be doing that…. simply cause its rather risky and as much as i hate the grey i don’t think staking $750 on a exterior finish i would prefer is really worth it… i hate grey tho… and that dell logo has GOT to go. gotta either find something to stick ontop of it or to just pry it off and find a replacement circular thing… shouldn’t be too hard taking it off… just putting something back on might be a bit trivial— unless i just mulilate theirs and smooth it out and etch in my own design… (not as great resell value… if i ever plan to resell it — which is actually kinda high say when i get the money to buy a real laptop or just leave the laptop market as a whole… we’ll see if i go into writing or not :p). At the rate of which the market is moving right now… i wouldn’t be surprised that this laptop is worth next to nothing in a few years… what w/ 64 bit processing, dual core64 coming out this summer… and software probably fast catching up.. *shrugs* Next thing to do would be system mods… first system mod is to turn off that darned ugly dell startup logo in the bios.. maybe again replace it with something pretty or just let it boot as a reguar computer… OS… linux for sure… windows maybe… but if i windows it’d only be for photoshop/stuidioMX/3dsx Max — that is assuming the 48 mb (or 32 as some specs say) of video can handle 3d rendering… we’ll have to see — most likely i’ll dual partition vfat (5 GB) and reiserFS(15 GB) so i can take those obnoxious windows requiring courses in university. ah… the possibilties and my ever yearning desire to customize…. all kind of fun and mo liu in the grand scheme of things…

but yah i think thats all just novelty — infatuation if we put it in a less contextual form, the rush of human emotion as something new is presented, and that deep desire to go with it and *fly* — course when i get the darn grey thing i’ll again realize its just a computer.. and whats less a dell — and be not so amazed but be further compelled to physically and virtual rebrand the thing.. afterall i’m not paying $700 for a heavy piece of advertisement that will bring shame to my desire for innovation, and creativity.

meanwhilst i’ll just have to sit back and focus on these last 2 exams… man 4 days of rest and i really don’t want to study by all emotion that is concerned summer is here, and i just want to relax go out in the morning sunlight take pictures of flowers, have fun contemplative and relaxing stroll in the park, and go out with friends… *smiles* 2 days and i’ll be there soon! *self motivation - come on… hang in there!* speaking of friends.. Cat you’re leaving next sunday and i’m not very happy >.< -- you missing such an important day of the year (yet again) tho congrats on the quebec thing since i don't think i've ever gotten to congradulating you, *cheers* french french french -- fun. I'll try and get that gift to you asap --- still have to decide amongst so many things and write you a card... tho gabes was a good help in suggesting various things like the HillSong CD (which i recall you dislike... course you dislike in my getting you anything....) tho not sure what to get you... that is something as well thought out as your christmas thing -- not enough time :
Friday - prom…. Sunday last time i see you (since i’ll be out of town the friday following that) so bleh… must get you your gift soon….
Also Karmel is leaving soon for China… *cheers on missions trip* — not sure when you’re leaving but gabes implied that it was soon so best of luck/wishes for that

hms… i really don’t want to study — the music, the nature, the beautiful 20 some degrees — early late spring temperature absolutely marvelous… so silent — in that there is the absence of noise and just a full stream of beauty…

but discipline, gotta finalize english studying then maybe touch a bit of calc tonight — off to a more secluded place that is away from this beauty, and prettyness.. time to enter the warroom, and lay the battle plans down and prepare to wreck destruction on the oncoming foes… with bright steel, and brandishing iron — we forth against the oncoming enemies who threaten the peace, and beautiful resolve of spring.

meditationary thought
the knowledge of wisdom is not merely enough, we need to desire it, to grasp it, and put it into action. this way discernment can grow and we can understand God’s truth, and acquire the spiritual knowledge that his spirit gives us… so what does that mean? to truly fear God we must desire his ways and that in depth of understanding… but this understanding isn’t of the mind as it says in proverbs 2 its in our souls… so how can a soul understand? when the soul seems to be the entity of our existance — being mostly passive (or do we need to overhaul our understanding of the soul?) — understanding in the soul i think is to TRUELY understand that it becomes part of our being — the natural reaction to God… and in this case — an indepth understanding of God… which since our soul ‘defines’ our existance — ‘defines’ our actions, our rational behind it. hms… question is how — how to understand with your soul? prayer & meditation definately…. that constant building up of the relationship…

+does anyone know whats happeing with prom? limo? afterparty? and all that — cause if no one knows i’m probably just gonna go home after prom and sleep… as ‘cool’ as an afterparty might be… the truth and fact is — parties are empty, they’re noisy and void of any true communication (you can’t talk with music blasting in the background) its to have a good time… good memories but if its with everyone it loses its sentimental meaning (to me anyways) so let me know asap

++a creative note for Asus is that they will be manufacturing the new ibooks that will run on x86 Pentium 4s… yay for chinese companies whom otherwise ppl don’t trust

256 mb usb drive just in… (hms… so much ebay related posts today…) it seems to be in working order,
only thing i’m not too satisfied about is that its branded ’svetco’ (the dude’s company) so i’m like… great i got propaganda-ware
either way drive has a good finish, nice and simple — small (as you can see) maybe i’ll scratch of the labeling with my knife when i have time to clean it up…

mehs — now i won’t have to *crack* open my usb just to use it *cheers*

cost - $700 + $48 shipping
cpu - 2.0 GHZ Pentium Mobile
ram - 512 DDR
hdd - 20 GB
vid - ATI mobility something 48 mb (? - rofl)
mon - 14″ TFT
weight - 2.4kg
opt - CD/DVD RW
battery - 3hrs + expansion avail (?)
model age 3 yrs (released in July 2002)

$748 no tax… refurbed… but pretty good for a sys…
bidded on ebay — need to review it w/ dad and see if i get it or not.. and work things out with seller… but think i might be getting this thing instead of those pretty asus / acer things i’d love to get… stupid dell (ugly)… *shrugs* will see & pray about it..
anyways back to studying / lunch

@ebay - bid
@ZdNet - general specs

edit: transaction finalized - i am now the not so very proud owner of a P4 laptop, of a brand i wouldn’t really care to by, but at a cost i can’t complain at so go mediocre but workable system — wanted to get an acer / asus with a pretty fobbi exterior and kwlz specs… or just up my sys up real good. oh wells.. can’t complain $700 can get me an mid-spec desktop or this thing.. fun fun.
gotta wait till it ships.. but once school is out and i’ve got it running gotta tweak it up — dual partion vfat / ex3 ? hms..

in today’s quiet time…
i found myself still very immature and a spiritual infant —
that is a child who thinks only about himself,
a child who hears God’s voice, but doesn’t understand the word.
an infant who in his mind loves God, yet in action is ignorant of God’s approval or disapproval
a child who can raise up his arms, and projects his voice out loud and cry for God
and finds close intimate embrace in his presence yet doesn’t know much beyond that…
who’s relationship to God is much like a toddler to a parent.
severely one sided…
not fully listening in many occaisions, just focusing on one’s own needs,
not having a intimate friends-type relationship…
just an annoying kid who cries and whelps whining at God
who despite the hour still loves his lil darling child…
tho he doesn’t understand yet or returns much love…
a child who hears’ God’s voice teling him what is good
quiet time, meditation, prayer, humility
yet when given the choice goes after the ’shinier’ objects
sin, lust, squander, self-destruction, pride.
like a child that chooses between chocolate and 5 worn out $20 dollar bills
or an ice cream cone and a grey looking box called an air conditioner
i would take to the quick and short satisfaction only realizing after a minutes delight
that its gone — and i am still feeling empty as i was few minutes ago..
except now my my mouth is smeared with dried chocolate, and my hands sticky with melted ice cream.
and like a child i try to wipe it on my shirt, futile in ridding myself of stickyness, and merely just making more of a mess
until God picks up his little infant and showers him with his grace,
his mouth He wipes, his hands He washes, his clothes He changes.
and with a loving yet disciplining voice He tells me not to be so careless with gifts to make indulge and make a mess of myself.
and so i come out looking clean and pretty again..
yet as i child once i see that next piece of chocolate, that next cone of ice cream…
and my mind is void of those events happening mere minutes ago
and once again find myself in yet… another sticky sitaution.

*sighs*

need to spend so much more time with God, and grow out of my current silliness, just like in Proverbs 1 — i need to heed to the instruction to my Father (and mother) — and listen to the Spirit as He prods me to turn away, and run… such vanity i find myself in… whence i hold my delight in building close relationships with my friends so high, yet the one i need most, and deserves most i have just a simple parent - infant relationship, lacking in true friendship building and talking… such vanity that i would live in this life right now… and after 4 years of rebirth and still not fully understand and find growth in Christ — and develop that core intimacy that is so important.

what talk do i have about reading ppl’s motives… what talk i can say in my discernment and theories of past experiences… what utter stupidity… so many words.. so many ideas… yet its all i vain because i do not know God — if i don’t know the one who gives me heritage.. how can i truly know myself? whats the use of discerning the ever changing — like watching the news its important but only at that instance of time… the next time around its differet already and whatever knowledge is mere history… yet in a few years will it really matter to you if the local grocery store got robbed or not? knowing, not knowing it makes little difference.. without action — it just fades into your mind a useless fact or memory if not forgotten.

minor theological reflection (just need to work something out in type)
Prayer… conversation with God — in the praying for someone.
an issue - which many promise to do yet fail to do simply because of the busyness and the clutter of things to remember.
just a question i pondered was that if you remember after a certain event has happened that you forgot to pray… are you futile in what you can do? i don’t think think so because based on the theology that Jesus died at 33 AD — and he died for all mankind’s sins past to present to be vanquished (if they so accepted his gift) that means the relative time doesn’t matter. God is outside of the 4 dimension (time) where as we live in the 4th dimension and to us existance is merely at this point called present - where ‘time touches eternity’ — if that is so… when we pray after say an exam that we would do good… God — being outside of time would have heard us before we said it, and helped us in our studying and writing… from that — it seems to be still viable to pray about a certain event even after it has past… tho for us the ‘die is cast’ and we can’t change anything but in prayer God has already changed it…

hm 2:20PM right now, got 2 hours to begin rereading Great Expectations and go over to Cell Group… kinda motionless right now… quiet just listening from several tracks from Kanon / Air ’s OST dreamy anime music… sorta sad but pleasant and suiting for my resolve right now… not that i’m really sad just in that mood of emotional stillness — where emotions are floating about, but hanging mid air like a misty white aura…

today church was pretty dormant as well… got up at 7:20 and rushed to pick up Micheal theh highwayed over to church making it 10 minutes late and without my cafe mocha… kinda fun a bit random today not as quiet as i’d like for the pre-worship prep, sherman there to add to my already quite antic filled self… but not so much meddling w/ slides and lighting like we usually do.. oh wells. after service i got ’stuck’ in the church closet trying to open the safe to deposit / extract money for aletheia + bbq got it opened the first time, then i had to get my other key to open the box.. so i pulled the key out only to find that i couldn’t unlock it again without doing the combo… so i ended up spending 25 minutes trying the combo several different times before finally unlocking it and locking it back… *sighs* missed 30 min of sunday school… which i really didn’t get into today… too mo liu–

something a bit out of the ordinary today, my mom was telling me how Aunty Ada just found out about my breaking up wth vicky and how she was all concerned and stuffs… aunty ada / uv are so caring & nice to me *sighs* and then mom was asking me what type of girl would i look for… rofl fun mommies trying to pry into my non existant ‘love life’ which only remotely exists within words of poetry and the bit of emotional reflection in my mind… kinda jokes tho. while on the topic i sorta wonder that myself what type of girl would i like? lol way beyond me to choose right now… someone quiet (well.. introverted — social introverts rock yah!), an artist of some right, someone who is commited, faithful, a sense of seriousness & playfullness, and has goals rested in the will of God. rofl so basically my anima — rofl that female ‘persona’ that fullfills the other half of me, complementing my weaknesses, and enforcing my strengths… good ol’ Jung… really gotta read his biography this summer. and maybe freud’s tho… freudian ideas kinda seem weird to me. all that sexual underthought — the ‘forces’ which drive a person…. funny how for the org studies exam there was a section whcih tied all that psychology stuff together w/ the bible… hm.. psychology and business… i’m really wondering if i actualy get accepted into Schulic what i will pick… my best hopes & thoughts are that i won’t and God will give me a clear calling into cognitive science.. wherever that might bring me — if anywhere… professional writing is sorta out the window right now unless God calls me for that— tho anyone can write… just a matter of exposure to a specific field that will make the writing unique for inspiration wise… i don’t think i’m cut out for a writer… i can write emotions and expression — poetry; but thats just psychology isn’t it? the utillization of me psyche to produce a piece of art. business i really don’t know — this year’s org studise course if anything is directing me towards psychology what with corporate culture and everything its just psychology & human behavior all over again. bleh… i dunno.

should go study… read great expectations now–
i sorta want to write a poem… some poem about watching someone from a far with true emotions held back and hidden away… haha its just like my other poem– don’t really have the literary / emotional / insightful depth to pull this piece out of my subconscious yet… so maybe it’ll solidify.. maybe not— i’ll write it later la.

+Thanks shirley for covering slides while i couldn’t quite multitask — my method of multitask is anything but being like Ceaser and his thinking at parallel levels.. more like quick focus & shifting.. sorta like the computer, put something on hold rather than multidimensional thinking/acting — which i would be cool to master, but my lack of piano sorta disadvanges me since i don’t have that dual hand / brain development — (can’t play bass cleft — left hand while doing melody w/ right) hehe silly violin leaving me with thinking one side and the other doing not as advanced motions… mehs.
++sorry for disappearing on you several times today, had those sudden ‘errands’ to do. bleh.

here’s a little poem that jerry just sent me — really pretty really meaningful

I asked God for strength, that I might achieve.
I was made weak, that I might learn humbly to obey . . .
I asked for health, that I might do great things.
I was given infirmity, that I might do better things . . .
I asked for riches, that I might be happy.
I was given poverty, that I might be wise . . .
I asked for power, that I might have the praise of men.
I was given weakness, that I might feel the need of God . . .
I asked for all things, that I might enjoy life.
I was given life, that I might enjoy all things . . .
I got nothing I asked for — but everything I had hoped for.
Almost despite myself, my unspoken prayers were answered.
I am, among men, most richly blessed

DataMan, the gremlins are over…

after getting home at 5 from my afternoon exam (yesterday — grr you 3 hour long exams) and feeling really tired and dizzyish and out of it… i tried studying but failed to since i was literally falling asleep… after a bout 3-4 attempts i decided alright, its 9 right now i’m going to sleep until 10 then wake up and start cramming… 5 hours and i’ll sleep at 2ish… so i try to do that.. not being able to really sleep… got up at 10 anyways to work sit down again stare at a few pages and ugh… can’t concentrate — don’t have that energy to really focus… so i took a rest had some ice cream and watched a bit of news w/ my family… news finsihes i rush off to work at 11… nothing.. just drearyness sucking my energy away… i try again to no avail and finally resolve… alright i’m gonna lie down and wake up at 3… midway through prayer that God would wake me up… i lost myself into a seductive puddle of sleepyness.. the hour hand on the clock rolls around and i’m still lost in my world of having a field trip with my friends at some exotic looking mansion and some old guy showing us a random archaic painting… suddenly i wake up and i’m somehow on the couch… lights are on and i rush over to my books where i just roll through my books and jot down whatever looks useful for my ‘cheat sheet’ that mr. chan thankfully let us have… at 6ish i go upstairs take a shower and try to find some time and just be quiet with God… that failed after i sat down whecne i just fell asleep.. in utter exhaustion… woke up at 7:25. and drove off to school and walked into the exam room… unprepared… just hoping God would intervene.

so yah got my about 30 minutes of studying time before class…
tho for some reason exam felt a bit easy… tho i didn’t study i somehow knew how to do all the questions — God pulling up the remote memories from way back whence i did hwk… and being merciful through mr. chan… thankgoodness questions werent’ as hard as mid term… *sighs* oh the merciful grace.. thanks God! *hugs tightly*

++also want to thank Cat lots for praying for me couldn’t have done it without you two!
________________________
in other news i’ve gotten rid of Azeurus and Bitorrent++ no more BT for me from now on — time to go legit… now all to do is to filter through my mp3s and things which i’ve accumulated… discard what i dont need and ponder on what to do with the others..
haha *cheers* gabes/cat for your encouragement.

lets go http://www.onejesus.com/

thats the first of four aggravating monsters… killed off organizational studies today… the Dragon is finally slain… no more management studying for the next while (hopefully i won’t get into schulic) crazy huge exam… that wasn’t worth as much as the others…. 8 chapters of vocab tahts like at least 240 words / terms & concepts… then added with a nice “businses through the eyes of faith” question which was pretty interesting… applying christianity to business, then two huge ‘essay type questions’ which were realy chaotic because there was 4 that were assigned, only 2 of which came on.. .and i guessed and studied for the wrong ones (aiya!!) only to find out in the last hour the real questions and had to do some quick 30 min memorization to cram everything in… (unfortunately that intense crammage ended up disabling my sense of memory and sitorted a lot of concepts.. which was rather unfortunate… but minor losses…. so lets see… 85% of the course i’m getting a 90% 15% i’m getting ‘x’ not fun…. really unnerving when you’ve got a scholarship hanging there… and i need a high 90 to boost the other marks up so i can sustain my losses from my maths…. aiya… oh wells… who cares about numbers and money its only $2000 anyways… (arg if it wasn’t for this scholarship thing i wouldnt’ have to work so hard… boooo) mehs gave my best today — studied as much as i could and in the amount of time i got as much done as possible… even tho yesterday was slightly horrid since not until 1 did my mind suddenly wake up to the fact i had an exam the next day heh… oh wells…. org studies — i surrender you to God, cause i’ve given my best, and its past beyond my realm of control or reach… everything that can be done is in God, in my surrender when i stepped into the exam room, in my surrender as time ran out and i hobbled out wartorn… hoping for a high 80… wishing for a 90…. whatever la

next exam — data management — the gremlins… aiy… so much math to do.. gonna eat stuff tonight and then just go right at it… minimize on much needed resting time — just gotta suck it all in for now, and tough it out… tomorrow afternoon — i’ll be free of teh gremlins and get to drive off into the summer day — so i can get a haircut and withdraw money aiy… getting poor!!

hms my feet are really aching after that last exam.. i wonder why… feel really weak and a bit limp…. don’t wanna stand ow… muscles…oh wells — first is done…

prayers
- gabes - chem / data double exam :’(
- jen - tough times?
- shirley - algeo
- karmel/tim/adwin - exams??
- adrian food allergies recovery for tomorrow

uguuu~~~

mediative thought for today Fear God - everything else doesn’t matter — exams marks, nothing.

from hot scorching summer to wet thunderous storm
the flood gates of heaven have opened–
pouring fourth thousands if not millions of tiny droplets
lavishing the dry ground that has cracked with thirst…

lightning and water outside… the scorching heat of the summer still inside…
sorta wanna go out and ‘play in the rain’ like a youngster had there been no lightning.

was meditating today on Deuteronomy 6:1-9… and was just battling the ritualistic paradigm of ‘getting it over with… the 9 verses didn’t have much, pretty much straight theology… bland if you will. it can be outlined in 4 points.
1. Follow God’s Decrees
2. The Lord is One
3. Love the Lord with all your heart, soul, strength
4. If you follow God’s decrees you will have a long enjoyable life
so reading the little meditation handbook i borrowed from my dad Study Meditations Bible Study i read about how meditating isn’t like a bible study… how ironic to the title… and if our notion is to just complete it, get our 15min -1 hr time with God over with we’re really not gonna get anything out of it… no meditation time is a time to connect to God, and if we want to get anything out of the Bible we gotta seek that — truly sacrifice ‘x’ number of time and let ‘x’ go to whatever time you need. though the verses seemed theoretically bland and i already knew it.. i was challenged by one of the verses which said speak God’s word when you walk… cause well i walk pretty much everyday from steeles to my house which is a good 15-20 minutes… and boy is it mundane.. you sorta just stare at the ground and watch the pretty grey tiles go by… by doing this you lose track of time and at about 5 or so minutes you realize you’re at denison, (major road) you stare back down… hopping &skipping (ok.. maybe not..) looking at the pretty flowers that are in the grass.. and the redudnacy of the ‘landscape’ just draws my mind into a reclusive inner field where i contemplate various things… then before i know it i’m on my street and i get the mail and hurry inside away from the extremity of humidity, and over and over this cycle goes for pretty much the entire year… so i’m wondering mundanity and quiet time? its always been two contradicting ideas… if you let quiet time be too mundane, to routine or ritualistic.. it drys up and you don’t really hear God… christianity becomes religion and you’re just going through the motions not really hearing his voice or understanding anything you read.. its pretty much like walking up brimley and going through the motions till i get home, and when i get home i don’t even particularly remember walking up — just like quiet time don’t remember what i read. yet to draw near to God we need to commune with him everyday, we need to be saturated within his word, and pretty much enter the forge and let Spirit fire refine us on a daily basis. its basically asking us to be routine and redundant… so how can we make it not? *focus on connecting with God* rather than the ritualistic actions, its like when i go to my classes and i see Gabes pretty much every class (save 1 & 1 spare) i don’t ever get bored of him… (tho i’m sure me being the ‘boring’ lil person i am he might… occaisionaly.. :p) nah its more yay get to spend time with a friend even if it is calculus. I think meditation should be like that… needing that total paradigm shift that a session with God isn’t like a doctor’s appointment or some sit in with a psychologist, it isn’t like going to calculus class no… it might seem like that sitting one on one with God or facing a ‘text book’ but really thats just the medium — its a ritual just like in corporate culture it means nothing, merely it facilitates the growth of a relationship it is the ’shell’ for social gatherings — in this case communion with God. so with that said i really wanna work and shift my mentality/attitude (paradigm shfit) and really learn meditation not just the thoelogy with it which i think i’ve already overdosed on but heart knowledge to put it into practice, implement it into my life… really need to learn how to listen to God, instead of the somewhat surreal version i caught a taste of in nashville.. which is emotional ‘intimacy’ which as Screwtape said.. isn’t necessarly drawing close to God at all… but merely self delussionment of ‘indulgence in God’s presence’ rather than approaching the Word like a bible study and theoretically analyzing it from literary/theological point of view… i need to let His word embrace my life and savor *hungry sound* his word –

wells back off to studying — really need to get studying… kinda wasted half of my day wasting time & sleeping ugh…
hope this bit of reflection is insightful

wells exam week starting thursday coming fast… got org studies in the afternoon — a pretty long exam with a lot of material to cover… so i really gotta start memorizing all the terms and understanding the concepts tonight.. after that i have data management on friday which is accumulative throughout the whole year… and org studies being in teh afternoon will make this probably the tightest exam this year… having only an afternoon (5 and on– about 5 hours) to study that sucker… haha this time i promise myself i won’t waste my time watching margaret atwood interviews to rest… after that great big blast of helion’s exams, got aletheia and bible study… then gotta reread great expectations jot down a few notes for english essay… really just memorize thems and all of that fun stuff. and of course do calculus the fun course which i’m pretty confident in… tho its accumulative logs / ln will take quite a bit of it dy/dx shouldn’t be that bad either… just gotta review… got 4 days for those exams so assuming i’m disciplined i should be ok..got AV to give me some relaxation and cell group w/ them kiddies… fun. English on Wednesday — Calculus on Thrusday then i’m done and set High School is OVER! haha (cynic: yes.. only to start at least 4 more years of school :p) friday aletheia has praise and worship which i am so acheing and yearning to go and just embrace my God… but got prom that night… and the whole limo/after party thing… *sighs* oh wells — i’ll be sure to spend an hour of meditation each day to draw nearer to my love in a clear unmuddled emotional way — which is still really good just really wanting to spend 2 or so hours straight worshipping God— find Aletheia we don’t worship emough (this is much to the community service … grr oh wells. Two weeks which i gotta get by and do my best to maintain and surpass that 86 average.

+oh yah got my battery to day *cheers* just gotta wait a few more days to a week for my usb, and after 512 SD cards.. funs — then this summer will be quite the enjoyment reading up on optics and photography when i’m not busy at my comptuer… or working

A bit of deeper ranting just wanted to extend a bit of what i said… *hugs* Gabes & Cat — don’t get me wrong that i’m feeling neglected and misunderstood or all of that, i was just writing my emotions — which i guess i do feel sorta lonesome cause i don’t really have that many people to talk to (save shirley/adwin/johnny/viv/nathan) which isn’t bad just miss you guys i guess (yes i realize i see gabes most every day… but y’know..) was just writing my emotions, and i’m really not upset just emotions flickering by— but inside i’m happy glad that you’re both so eagerly serving — i wish i had that passion to serve which i sorta do but like i said in the comment it is quickly declining in certain areas.

tho i really have no right to speak my opinion on church i feel there are several things which i really don’t agree with… all this excess spending on material things — video camera? computer? ugh… video camera… maybe but unecessary– computer.. definately a no. from my perspective i really think that money could have been so much better invested in people. does the church not have video cameras? church i don’t mean as a corporate whole, but at the base of each individual — i know i have one, and quite a few ppl have them… why are we getting one? why? only cause we don’t want to be ‘mah fan’ and ask ppl… but seriously ppl dont’ mind lending their video cameras — we’re not in a society where video cameras are used taht often… cameras ppl might mind cause they’re becoming part of culture and taking pics is kwlz — video is usually for special occaisions.. ppl’s cameras just sit and rot seriously — other than church stuff (stm 2003/Trail Mix) my family hasn’t really used the camera at all (save those few times for hwk) its totally annoying… more so how they talk about it don’t really ask for an opinion then after they buy it i somehow get a forward the topic asking me for my opinion and the email saying everything is done… like what is all that about? Computer we’re getting some AMD 3000 512 mb, 80 gb thing… i personally think $400 could be way better spent on something more feasible… like people instead of a machine. its a pretty sweet system.. bought obvious without too much consideration of the market and what would be most cost effective — they say its going to be for pictures, videoediting — i’m thinking from photoside we really don’t need a crazy picture, we’re using dirt cheap CDrs as our medium of storage — pics and stuff are sent to shirley for compilation — downloading them all to this comptuer is just kinda unfeasible bringing cables and everything… video — in my experience doign video i’ve done them on my 900mhz out of date thing and it works fine… sure i’d love a 2GHZ chip and hey i’ll probably get a new CPU in the near future.. but really only once i have actually needed to video edit at the church… and practically your work would be done at home cause its quiet, you’ve got access to food and supplements you can walk around without ppl in the way you have space to think…. i doubt anyone would stay at church JUST to video edit…. its just stupid. and i say stupid in the kindest of sense — cause really i don’t understand all this beaurocratic nonsense about buying toys. i see really NO reason to buy this new comptuer…. and camera — it doesn’t really benefit anyone — if anything this machine should replace the church server win98 computer and NOT be designated as the Creative Arts Ministry (CAM NOT CAT!) computer so that the CHURCH can benefit from it not just this ’select group’

but yes… a bit of ranting/anger at the new changes in leadership — which totally baffles me… so i wonder why am i so bitter and upset? its not my place to say or make the decision, its not my money that they’re ‘wasting’ — am i angry that they didn’t really ask for my opinion? is it pride that makes me bitter because i didn’t have a say?

most probably so — i won’t say anything about it — i will perhaps voice my concerns to art later… maybe.. its not so big a deal that it contradicts with my belief or my faith in Jesus, nor is it really worth bringing up if it means to hurt a feel people, nor is it worth hurting myself by being bitter about it *sighs*
afterall its God’s money — and His stewarts will do with it as he instructs… like buy that field nextdoor…

so yah gonna rest a bit do some meditation, study a bit
and sorta withdraw from wordly emotions and temporary distraughts — need to focus on what matters.
just a note — gonna sleep early these coming days 10… 11 latest to get teh full amount of energy i need, i keep to my blogging everyday to relieve bits of emotion and what not… tho will definately be less frequent.