pearbox : undefined

well… these last few days… i’ve been having horrid horrid nights… sleepingwise… everything just seems so ugh… messed up dreams, extreme heat discomfort from my compiling computer… noisy fans… forcing me cover my years when i sleep… and tonight i’m gonna sleep on the couch… but each day… its weird… i wake up at 5:55 or so… and the sky is that beautiful azure colour… moments later the sun begins its daily climb.. higher and higher it climbs and as it does… the sky slowly gleams its regular colour again…. that solemn yet peaceful gradient… the greyish purple of azure… to that bright and beautful ’sky blue’… majectic in all its beauty…. and there speckled around this huge expanse… lies the soft whtie clouds dotting the sky like icing that glistens ontop of a cake… the sun itself hovers now in all its splendor… reflecting the rays fo God’s glorious presence… that warmth filled light that we often function under without noticing…. the very source of light…. the very essence of existance as we know it.

so what does this all mean? why am i writing this? thats a good question… i don’t really know.

if you’ve been following the past week or so of blogs have been dotted with rain… and by rain i mean internal tears… that just pour and pour… crying… spilling like blood from an open wound…. and quite frankly i’m tired of it… in truth i’m in lite depression.. and my bit of rantage each day helps me clear that up but still… in all emotional stupor… and as the flood waters come bursting forth overwhelming my silent lil soul… i know my reason, theology is still well afloat… still intact.. my mind still rationalies quite soberly… despite all that narcotic emotion flooding in downpour….

i want to break through this clouded storm.. I want to push these clouds away… and again revere (awe) at God’s beautifully lit sky… to be warmed, in his presence… and to see… to shed these blood stricken tears…. and to see his work… to shed these drenched rags which are weighign me down… from the tearful rain…

oh thunderous stupor! leave me!
submission, humility, patience, quietness, embrace me… and bury me in His depth of embrace…
and so i beg and implore of thee, my Lord.

*sighs* — another airy sunday gone by… and i find myself once again sorta ’shafted’ how utterly disheartening… so yes… after church today which was ok… i guess the missions sharing and everything wasn’t what i was expecting… so didn’t quite get that quiet simmer that i so wanted… oh wells. sunday school… the usual… thought provoking but nothing really applicable… maybe i’m just really out of it.. then after church as i was saying… suddenly got pulled into some dinner thing at midland and sheppherd with some of the elders and the family ministry ppls and what not… so i’m just there sitting at my spot… off in the corner and staring at the few kids in front of me… theirs insubordinate lianne, insubordinate to rebellious innis, hangman chairing amanda, and silly lil naomi… yes yay to friends… or there lack of.. boo. so after eating some stuff and feeling full for the most part…. i felt i just couldn’t take it anymore… here i was… sittign quietly while the parents behind me where chatterign loudly as all chinese parents do when they are excited and in a chinese restaurant, in front of me the lil ‘friends’ were chattering away…. the ‘cool’ hosanna kids — joshua/henrick & the bunch were off in the back… and i was just like ugh!! if i’m going to be alone just be quiet!!! and let me rest in solitude instead of this mockery of ‘friendship’ that sends rushes of lonliness upon lonliness on a poor lil person whom just wants to spend some time with his friends… or be quiet. so i decide i’m going to just go.. and i tell my parents to call me when they’re done… i quickly go outside and walk around silently in the malls… haha went to a piano store, a fishing store, and basically just loitered at the lil plaza tehre… then i walked over to Agincourt Swimming pool and watched as ppl lined up for their free swim… and then walked over to midland where i looked at two of the churches there and read the generic looking grave stones that are in that knox church… and went back and drove the car to the front of the restaurant to wait for my parents… yes really sad and demeaning…

on the way back i was listenign to 99.5… and then to some punk rock…. and just feeling so ugily agitated… i mean… every single time! they leave me in the darkness and then pull me to some ‘fun filled restaurant’ thing… i’ve got nothing to do there, no one to talk to…. ugh!! socially burning out really bad…

so i guess in my 15-20 min walk… and reflection i’m just looking at myself and wondering what i’m so angry about? whats so ‘ugh’ that is upsetting me and breaking me? like what the heck? i don’t like being angry, or upset or sad… its stupid, short sighted… yet of course stil emotion and thus effecting me quiet massively. unhappyness. is it that i raise up 4 grey prison walls around me and invent my own torturous devices to destroy and wreck negative vibes… at myself? like really… i wonder what is my anger directed to…. and directed for what reason? situation? definately… but thats superficial… parents? slightly… God? maybe… but only cause he allows things to happen? myself? quite possibly… don’t really have much thought on if it is myself but for any circumstance or situation… thats negative and unfortunate… a root of that darkness usually stems from the individual himself… the normal culprits be pride, bad attitude, guilt, self-pity and all that…

bleh….
Gentoo is finally done compiling — i had to fix a few things to make it work careless mistakes like compiling ReiserFS as a Module, and random typos here and there.. yuck… but hey its done! and xorg is compiling now…. followed by gnome — and then off to the great white north… *sighs* i need distraction.
a drug that hides misery from my feelings, that numbs me from pain, and veils the horrid look of reality.

*sighs* teary… just want to be w/ my friends…. is that too much to ask?

edit
like rain that pours out onto the dry ground.
its like rain that pours on the ground… except its dark, and you can’t hear anything… you know its raining cause its thundering… and its cold… you’re alone… and when you look outside… you realize this ‘rain’ is merely a simile that reflects the many tears that trail down your soul…

well early wake up today… woke up at 5 and saw the early rovings of the greyish clouds, and the gradual light up of the sunrise… bright and early to begin a new day full of fun and excitement… my laptop is buzzing beside me recompiling gentoo, since the first time i was sort of distracted— so this time hopefully gonna make a quick run through it and see how it goes.. hopefully everything will run smoothly and it’ll be done and finished with — and i won’t have to touch installing OSes for another while… otherwise i might just have to re-evaulate and consider XP as my laptop solution… hope it doesn’t come to that..

As for my website and implementing CSS — so far for layout DIV Tables seem to be working great… just a matter of implementing content, and then reformatting the different #h1 and things so suit the general ‘theme’… also gotta fix up some new logos so my site doesn’t look like some dark and misty night where a mysterious someone emerges with a long sword… haha not the cold feel i’m aiming for… something friendly and simple… maybe with a tad air of sophistication lol. we’ll see… i’ve got my layout set… but gfx are still raw ideas right now… organization is another thing i need to deal with… but it should be ok…

the main issue which sort of stops me from further development is my search for an ‘article manager’ type script. As mentioned before i’m not quite looking for a CMS to implement my site into, nor am i looking for a exactly a blog… i’m looking for a script which functions like a blog where i can easily copy / paste via the browser and have it ‘catagorized’ and organized for date - category type thing… i guess i could manage with another blog and simply use the archive page… or i could also use a cms which is groupware… or in my case it’d be bloatware… oh wells…

amidst my bit of design fervor… i’m in dire need to find a 9-5 job for the month or so left of summer… which is highly unlikely now that i think about it… since next week i’m not here… leaving me 3 weeks to work… and other than contract stuff i can’t quite commit to anything… oy… so more importantly is for me to find some sort of part time job for friday or saturday that i can carry out whence school begins… stupid tutorials which clog up all the time oh wells… i found out that for some of my classes my arrangement is kind of screwed over… cause my ‘cleverly’ planned schedule started with linguistics in the morning, an hour and half break… then 2 tutorials for monday, tuesday was arts in the morning.. and then a block of time before my humanitarians lecture… thats at 2…. and i found out on monday that my arts course became an online course making it only occaisionally necessary to actually get to york at 8:30 for maybe a presentation or something haha.. online lectures webCT and that bit of annoyance… but i’ve got lots of time in the morning to do that… and read up on humanitarian things haha.. wednesday got linguistics…. and a break off university after 11:30 *yay* course in the winter i just stay for a few more hours and get off at 2:30 — cause of my beloved writing class thursday get there at 11:30 for 2 tutorials.. and spend most of the afternoon (2:30-5:30 — ugh 3 hours!) for my psych lecture — firday off so i guess for the most part its ok… except for that annoying tuesday now with that big blotch of emptyness in the morning… timemanagement… oy if it takes me 90 minutes for 1 TTC ticket… or 30 minutes for 1 GO ticket (about 1.8 TTC tickets) hms :S decisions. hehehe more budgeting….

hm.. a bit of update for trip next week leaving tuesday — returning friday (in time for aletheia i think)
wells off to attempt to do productive things… come on creativity don’t fail me now *cheers* –i’ll blog some more later… maybe.
+hms… really need to get out of the house and do something aiy..

so… occaisionally on msn i like to do some prose and throw some images.. and just change up the tone of the whole conversation… which i guess is pretty annoying but fun to do…. especially when no one wants to say anything… and i break out into a multi message monlogue.. a bit random
but hey i’m sure at least one of you will know where my inspiration came :p (Edited to remove 3rd party messages)

where has that floundering youth gone to now?
the initator of this cnoversation?
the very essence to our beginnings here in this ‘room’ today!
vanished?!
why Vanished has he?!
well then all thunderous rage shall be upon….
the Witch has come! Fie fie light the torches! bring out the pitchforks and knives!
We shall hunt that witchess tonight
and at that stake we shall light a holy fire
that will consume and burn every dark fragment and fibre in her hellish feiendish soul!
to arms my brothers and sisters!
we shall vanquish this dark initiator of blight !
ah yes young one, today we forge fire, and in that store of firey heat we will sharpen and weld our weapons to silver
then when twilight strikes,
and the moon is up in its boldness of splendor
we will off to the forest… off to the witch’s grove….. and in a clatter of iron, and fiendish screams! we will bring an end to her reign of destruction!
with all brandished iron we will paint the moon a new crimson…
and at dawn break her magic in the hottest of fires…
down right in the central square of town
she shall be tied, and burned at the stake !

redesigning my site right now… adding CSS and thigns… got my layout drawn out, and logos in concept form right now… hopefully most everythign will be done in 2 weeks of my lax working… right now i’m contemplating obout whether i should stick with Nucleus or move over to a more CMS focused Content Manager…

I looked at Wordpress a bit, it doesn’t extend itself too much over Nucleus.. not for my needs anyways, so i probably won’t go with that. I’m looking at WebGUI / Mambo… which for my use basically do what Nucleus does as well but they actually have a file download/upload system… to keep articles and things organized — which at this point is what i’m interested in.

Afterall — my website is..
my portfolio - the keeper of my snippets of code, articles, essays, graphics etc..
my autobiography - blog, testiomony — its about life.

hms… a problem with switching blogs of course… is that i’ll mostlikely have problems importing my current entries, and i’ll probably just have to keep them in its own html file for reference…. which is slightly annoying…

that is unless.. i use both a content manager AND a blog… which would solve that… tho that’d sorta disrupt the continuity… hms… what should i do? O.o

http://www.cmsmatrix.org/

Well tuesday is finally here… and this being my second attempt to blog .. i just want to say that lunch went fairly well, and me and art had a good in depth talk.

After praying and doing some devotions today i once again came to realize that all of that junk isn’t really worth my frustration… its vanity, its annoyance… yah but once again like what Cat said — leaving — resigning isn’t really going to do much to change anything.. my quiet time also led me into the realm of humbleness, and submission… which with a new light has been shone onto my perspective on what to do.

Situational Facts which are untouched in Creative Arts Ministry.
1. Lack of a ’spiritual aspect’
I brought this up with Arthur, explaining my whole analogy of being ‘disciples of photoshop’ and what not… and though he hadn’t thought of it before.. he caught what i meant and we had a good discussion about church liberalism and how yes… we actually really need that.
So what i plan on talking w/ tim about is how we can implememt this and maybe have more time to get together as a team, bible study, hanging out.. and the sort every once in a while…

2. Vanities in aesthetics
though we didn’t really talk about it… i told him about the gordon siu quote — about the vanities in bringing a person only to you, instead of to God with asthetics… and according to Art this vanity is true… but its an aspect of church and serving in teh technical side of things… which though costs lots of money.. and money being an amount that God gives us (NOT just a resource we work for and are limited in) thus (right now in my own thinking) if its God’s will that we get the land next door.. the money needed will naturally come, the money the misisonaries need… will naturally go to them… aferall God is our ever sustaining Savior :). So sure… we might blow a bunch of cash on a printer for colour brochrues and what not… but that being a ‘tool’ and the brochures being a vessel of evangelism… and Evangelism being a Kingdom Value, is much more valuable than any money we can ever give. So yes — a colour brochure is pretty much in vanity because it brings x person into the church, where the church can embrace them with our going strength right now — relationship. The problem isn’t in that — the problem resides in discipleship… we’re a relationship driven church right now… but discipleship… much like spirituality is much in reality absent. This is actually really true… cause i remember back in Hosanna when i asked the teens what Grace and what was Mercy? simple biblical concepts.. which are in their very essence esseintial to the Christian faith… yet they didn’t know. Now these are not teens who aren’t into church life… these are my brothers and sisters who are actively participating and serving.. and presently serve in a much more diligent and busy schedule than i do right now… justl ike how i used to…. this brings up what Arthur says…. about how most ppl are willing to do anything for God, and for the Church, but often they aren’t too willing to spend quiet time…. >> describes me a lot of the times when i’m way too busy…. and yet the whole Mary and Martha thing all over again.

but yah…i guess… thats pretty much the important things…
save for the ‘darkest night of spirituality’ which i seem to be sorta floating in and out of… just gotta endure and wait till dawn breaks and everything is fine
more about that good & fun stuff later i guess… till thens i’ve got a korean romance flick to watch, a book to read, my weblayout to finalize, and gentoo to recompile.. haha i’ll blog later — given that more insightful things happen..

*cheers*

Here’s a special treat for those of you who come read my blog.

Song: Why Do You
Lyrics: Perry So.
Music: Adwin Lam
Copyright (C) 2005
Please note- this is a demo, thus it is fairly raw.
Also please comment if you download this — and give us your opinion :p
Download Here
Context 09/06

why do you…

why? why?
tell me…
why?

today when i woke up from my depth of slumber i knew it was a beautiful world
the sunlight gently touched my face, and painted me with its soft blossoms
and as i got to my feet i knew something was new, something fresh and never heard before
It was a new freedom, a new affinity, and altogether a new perspective.
In the late hours of last night, i had been broken… alone and lost
having only a dear writer and a loving musician to hold me back
as i stared down into the abyss i called my life..
tears streaming down my face…
a heart broken, and bitter in its very essence… endrenched with tar.
And yet… they held me, as loving friends do… ever sustaining me
as my soul cried… i wanted to run…and vanish
to disappear from this life…
yet in today — i’ve been reunited with my Beloved,
and such a warmth it brings…
such a beautiful world He is to my life.
in this silence, in this resilliance of love..
all seems dim, and i am freed once again.

*sighs* well woke up at 6.. and then 10… pretty much wasted the better half of the morning (6-10), oh wells, got a nice bit of quiet time in with God which was really refreshing… and as i just reflect on what most people have been talking to me about… well i find i’m in a particular corner — yes.. i am still trying to cope with the ideology… of a corporation… this hinders me greatly… cause like i invaluably learned in my few weeks of work… when a particular object grows in magnitude.. or more importantly frequency… in size one no longer can care about all teh details, the focus when something is that big is usually the bottomline, not the process — it doesn’t matter so much as how much streamlining one can do, but overtly on whether the task is accomplished, things naturally begin to be wasted… and since its the season of making great purchases… we can throw out perfectly good and useful things… which in this context is good and all… from someone like me who takes value in little things.. its a bit hard to swallow… but hey thats how God made me so i can only try to begin to understand this

something exceptionally important is what Cat encouraged me with yesterday… reminded me about submission, and how if one wants to change ministry… its better to stay on the inside and try to influence that way rather than looking on from the sidelines.. which is so utterly true… i dunno… i just want to stay clean and washed of this silly bitterness and anger… being angry at somethign i love so much makes me sad… and i’m allergic to sadness it makes my eyes watery… and i begin to sniffle … heh :p

as for the whole resignation thing…. i’m still praying about it…
i know that objectively beside my emotions and anger — that i have been meaning to step back… since this web ministry stuff really has lost its lustre… i’ve lost my passion for it… even for my website… i want to do one more final update… and maybe be done with changing aroud layouts and things.

*cheers* we’ll see.
special thank yous to my dear artist & musician friend — you know who you are *cheers*

frustrations and bitter annoyances… are what my life connote at this very present time that i write this.

inside there is an anger welling up with a fiery flame..
twisting and churning… wanting to spring out in a sudden out burst of rage.
wanting consume, and destroy all matter it touches
to burn, and plaster dark char onto the very surface
leaving each piece as a sign of worn desolation..
a mark of destruction.

bla bla bla…

hm… annoyances boo..
not very fun when someone asks me to help them with something, and then i get scolded after helping them… for having a ‘bad attitude’… because i want them to hurry up so i can do the stuff that i want, instead of explaining it to them for the 3rd-4th time… and not going into details about what .png files are, and why one should save them as .png if one is looking for transparency… boo..

yes - i know more childish upsettedness is once again upon me… inciting violent fury upon my subconscious impulses… how utterly demeaning, and driven with dark emotions. not to mention rather selfish… and full of bad attitude >.< argh --- i recognize it in all rationale and reason, yet enter into the field of the environment everything seems just so ugh... !! i'm sputtering like a child over petty things... grr...

i really don’t have much to talk about, or blog… as usual my introverted lil self whom has nothing to talk about except for ‘nothign’ which i can rant on for pages and pages…. which i think is begin to scare away some of the ppl who read my blog… haha — yes.

today was an uneventful day… went to Leslie / Finch — dad’s lil ‘excavation’ that he brought us on with his men’s group friends, promising lots of fun with new friends who were around my age, from both high school and university, and i could go biking and take pictures of pretty flowers… and all that fanciful glee… so being rather reluctant and skeptical…. i decided fine i’ll go since i was under the impression that i was forced to go… hence making me move my own arrangements to accomodate this ‘family’ outing… so what happened when we got there? well… most everyone else’s kids didn’t show except for Tracy and her sis who were soemwhat younger (still pleasant company), and we went to a ‘park’ which was literally bathed in green. nothing good to take pics of… except for a few coloured weeds… which were ugly.. the supposed ‘park’ was jsut a bike trail taht was bustling with activity… bike groups going through it… didn’t quite feel like nature… and there really wasn’t much to do. i just walked and talked pleasantly with the adults… which i guess is fun, and gave some impression i was a ‘good kid’ by speaking in fluent chinese, and having a bandaid in my wallet when it was needed… psh… vanities. superficial vanities… after going back ate lunch… played some big 2 which has of last year hit the most midnless game ever… despite all strategy, theorizing, the mental counting of cards…. its lost its flavour… ended up just watching malcolm in the middle afterwards… and i sunk into a nice sleepy stupor… ugh boredom!

hm… blasting loud music… right now …. it hurts my years >.< but matches the thunderous storm which resounds in the deep pits of emotion.

tehes indeed!
10:40 right now, just got back from Cae & Holly’s Jack and Jill party!! yay *cheers* and driving Yam home pretty fun and of funny stuff tonight.. as usual a bit awkward with the whole ‘not quite’ fitting ‘deal’ and our lil cabal of ppls just wandered around together haha special cheers to swirlee, blkmage, and of course the dazzling model for our toilet paper gown euphemia hehes burning melting them gummy bears… and fun miscellanious things — AND those yellow gummi bears did wander out of the bucket and decide to live in the carrot cake… they must have! how else could they have gotten there? lol so much silliness.. oh wells its fun

hm.. last day of work tomorrow.. and its probably going to be a half day… funs.. wonder what my pay will end up beign… on the ‘estmated record’ i’ve worked 72 hours… and my pay is $8 tho Mr. Cook (my employer) is thinking of raising it to $x amount… or so i’ve been informed… but yah today at work was pretty boring just worked away in the junior lab… making a nice streamlined mindless process… haha good ol’ demming wheel and mass production concepts.. basically demming is to think up innovative ways to redo and improve.. so basically you do it first way… then stop and think about it… and try a different way… streamlining efficiency — mass production well, break taht down to simple steps and each person is incharge with 1 step so through teh whole day they will spend all their energies, and master that process and do it most efficiently…. really mindless… but gets it done — so thats basically what i did breaking open the case, removing teh metal slab, throwing in the harddrive screwdriving it back in, ide / power cable, all the wiring in the back (peripherals) power — if it works i close the case, if not — power down push ide cables a bit power up and close case. all for teh whole morning… utterly mindless tedium.

tho throughout most of the morning.. after i streamlined the process i just mindlessly thought about several things… in depth thought while plugging cables into lil holes… fun. i revisited the thoughts of love… and what is its exact essence… haha all philosophical, then i thought about the friends i have… and how i don’t really have that many ‘friends’ but… of the few i have close friends… some ranging from friends for life, from far and wide, sunshine or storm — who will just be there, and whom i love from the most bottom of my heart… and them to me, tho usually we have spels of not talking yet when we get together its right back where we left off (inner circle), theres my friends who i talk a lot to… my ‘inspired friends’ — why inspired? good question… i guess i talk to them more so more inspiration? — and i guess they’re the ones who looked past the dark wall of weird/eccentricity/lonerisms and have gotten to know me a bit more… — the ones whom i also hold dear to my heart, talk much more to, my usual hang out group… kind of funny how most of us… don’t really reside in a specific ‘group’ more just hopping back and forth —-

then i thought back to my very first best friend — not sure exactly who it is but not including my mommi, it might have been a particular older girl named.. Stephany? Sarah? i don’t remember — i think she was a singaporen girl who was in our lil group… and she was like an older sister to me… while i, well i was the lil fighter always biting evil ppl or ppl i didn’t like… or looked particularly yummi *kekeke*

secondly… grade 2 i think… there was Jeffrey my chinese/jewish friend whom my most vivid memory was making him cry… cause i betrayed him >.< (this is probably why i have so much hate against treason now... cause i did it.. and in the very depths of my childhood -- i felt guilt and yucky :() i remember Anthony some kid who had all this neat stuff brought walkie talkies (they were cool cause they were electronic) and they were like you can't play! (to jeffrey) and they said to me... but you can as long as jeffrey dosen't come.. i looked back at him then at the other guys.. .and went with them :S treason :'( i later went back and found him crying... and said sorry *sighs* other kwl times was just the whole StarWars-ness running through the forest on our imaginary forest speeders... and shooting storm troopers with our pieces of wood that resembled guns that we coloured with Lyra Pencil crayons in class... i remember i had one which was nice and small and compact, the shaft of my blaster had a black crease in it (centre of the tree) and i coloured it orange to show the blaster energy in it :p, at its back it hand a nice snug lil handle which fit my hands then.. and a few knobs for the 'saftey' or in my case.. the stun settings --- oh the fun times... i think i was usually Han (fav character :p) or other ppl who weren't jedi... cause jedi are kidna weird but jeffrey liekd that stuff so i just let him be it :) another fond memory was his bar mitz vah which i went to, pretty party which nice chicken / fish at Black Creek Pioneer Village... i remember hearing him cuss a few times.. (since he went to public school) and i was O.o and distanced myself slightly away from him... didn't hang out as much tho we went to each others' hosues once or twice... his brother played Command and Conquer on PS, and we just did kwl roleplaying starwarsy things... hehes.

Grade 3-4 — i think it was christophe, my fun french friend who read a lot w/ me haha good ol’ starwars books, i remember he first lent me his Crystal Star with the pretty pinkish cover… while i had that book by Steve Perry… what was it called? Shadows of the Empire… some story between the Empire Strikes Back and The Return of the Jedi… pretty good read… a bit weird with the whole vibe & seduction thing… O.o but yah Christophe was cool, tho… i don’t remember much about him… we went to the Richmond Hill Library…. he was my partner for the black creek pioneer village thing (we had to dress up as pioneer kids and spend a week learning at Black Creek… haha i’m sure the school got paid to use us as their actors… grr), sat next to me and we wrote with on slate with chalk and stuff… kwlz i guess

Grade 5-6 — no one… went to Three Fishes… i spent time with a bunch of youngins Andrew and Amreet… who were pretty cunning… wolves they were.. my indian? middle eastern i think? type friends… pretty kwlz i guess.. dunno.. don’t think anyone else can be considered my best or even ‘good’ friends… pretty empty… best memory? acquiring one crazy bone and then trading them until i had a nice collection with bombers and lots of stuff — i even got the rarest crazy bone! eggy! lol piece of plastic fad! course then i traded crazy bones over for pokemon cards… and after all that crazyness.. i got suckered into spending cash :S but yes… quite the scheming deal maker i was…

grade 7 - Jerry!!! haha *sighs* still miss you lots — we should d2 sometime lately acquired it — tho learning moderation so lets find sometime — you’re in Australia time right now… so 15 hours diff? find sometime in the morning next week or something but yah… grade 7 opened and i was a new kid at yorkland, and the only person i really knew was gabes who was such a kind & loving friend to me… tho i didn’t talk to him much… cause friendship circle clash :p (me and my i dont’ want to be around popular gang craze back then) — so i mainly hung around gabes’ other friends… mainly lanrick (haha what a joker — power rangers & pikachu rofl) and Jerry whom we just hit off second half of the year… playing good ol pretty things like StarCraft BroodWar, Badminton (lol i tried out for the team… tho i didn’t know the rules… and still don’t quite know the rules.. let alone have any technique :p), we played hockey i think… oooh and when we went over to your house to do that health project of ours… haha codeine? opium fun fun — so much history / influence which is still w/ me today— i remember feeling sad cause you had asthma/the skin thing : but i loved you just teh same haha fondest memory our gaming the day before you left… and we took a picture.. tho there was no film in the stupid camera *roar* — your infrequent calling of me on the phone long-d… and of course writing that lil poem that pulled me through — (you did write it!! lol i swear :p)

grade 8 - wow… after losing jerry… depression yet grade 8 was just superb… Gabes took me under his wings, and introduced me to the ‘crew’ as we used to call it, there was my bro JC, big man nathan (lol tubby!), carrie (lol — i remember when johnny’s hair was longer than yours :p), catherine, haiddee (*sighs* — sorry for making a fool of myself), regina rofl, wendI with an I, whom else.. mehs fun times… till the end when i ran into a brick wall lol (if you know what i’m talking about *points to gabes/nathan) don’t laugh too hard :p as for memories with gabes well there’s just too many

grade 9-11 - after infatuation and foolery died down… i became a lot more serious and deep in thought.. i began philosphizing and reasoning some more…my new best friend was vicky who became my ‘bestest friend’ — through sadtimes and wonderment, and happytimes… stayed pretty strong, close ( a bit too close but nevertheless she was my bestest friend… whom’s memories — tho i rather regret now, and disliek mentioning — i will cherish… for whatever they were worth…

of course through all of that — i also want to mention Catherine who was there along the way (hm.. why does it feel like i’m doing a shoutouts type thing now?) who’s been there for me for like ages lol since we were back in kindergarden (as if kids grew on trees) tho i have no recollection of you… you’re the best Cat +i didn’t take your stickers!! good times.. and forgotten memories.

a few fun thigns to think about also were the few ‘good friends’ i picked up along the way who i didn’t really acknowledge as my ‘best friends’ tho i somehow managed to be their best friends…. i hear this from external soruces… which is weird…
i believe sherman was one… tho i sank into my nest of romance.. .and that subtly tore that down sorry sherman.
stephen? not too sure on this — mehs
johnny — who this year at jmc he called me his best friend to his friends… and was like wow — but yah welcome to my inner circle, buddy accountability partners! yeah!
a few other kiddies…

its weird i think…. and i wonder sometimes if the bit of sincere friendship i show some ppl somehow elongates into a thunder of friendship to them… how fortunate i have that i am surrounded by so many close friends… *sighs*
but yes.. cheers to my ‘innnerCircle’ and ‘inspired’ special friends
Jerry/Gabes/Cat/Johnny/Shirley/Tim/Adwin *cheers*

haha … so sentimentally fun… what else did i think about… hms… i don’t remember… mehs
its late 12:21 - got work tomorrow … so guess i’ll write a bit more if i remember or think up more crazy stuff.

once again *cheers*