pearbox : undefined

*cheers* today i finished World of Wodners - yes Robertson Davies’ third book, and wow its been so inspirational… the first one out of the trilogy, was captivated me… cause well it was really well written and had a great depth of plot and thought put into it, teh second one, the Manticore is what has been inspiring me every now and then with my references to Jung — haha yes psychology… and the thrid… its touched the sensitive spot of romance… and though the book talks next to nothing about love… it talked about the phrase being ‘bathed in romance’ which has such an elegant flair to it… one of those things which captivate me, and inside theres this depth of magnetism to it… almost like a polar pull… that drives me to want to acheive that… not to be like Magnus and to become someone else.. but more having my writing totally submerged in it. i think physically i already do… whence i lightly step up the church stairs or ‘float’ down 4 steps of stairs in a simple jump, my fun hilarious way of sitting down in one lil jump — that ppl keep wanting to see O.o, or my naive lil half skip.. sorta projection of various images… which ppl would frown at and think of me as naive, stupid, or something… mehs haha i seem to have tangented now…

but yes — such a pretty image ‘bathed in romance’ *sighs*

today at work… it was much the same boring routine… haha totally lacking in romance, novelty or infatuation… spent the morning HD to HD ghosting of images… which was utterly horrendous and tedious… but i managed to develop a good system which would minimize wasted time for swapping hds and booting the system up…. haha good ol’ deming circle…. made it actually qutie fun…for 75% of them before getting really tired… then my teacher stepped out for 2 hours so i finisehd taht and went out to have my 1 hour lunch… which i ended up coming back up after 10 mintues and resuming with the comptuer tinkering.. its so mindless — i feel my mind is numbing or something…. so ended up reading a more of World of Wonders… while doing windows updatse / installing office… after that just set up teacher computers… and switched keyboards… and slept while i waited for my sis to finish reading.. and now i’m at home blogging…

haha really not much to talk about…

i guess apart from the mindless working and tinkering… a bit of musings i’ve had are that of the future…

‘love, tis better to give than to have, tis even better to share’ — random quote straight from perry’s subconscious, i’m sure as all art goes, someone has once said or thought of it… but whatever..

time is uncertainty
yet love transcends time — thus a patient waiting must occur.
tis a much too soon a time — though emotions do not phase me i musn’t act
so in poetry’s pen i hold and write, to express.
deeply touched emotion.

its been fairly quiet on my blog lately… not too much to write about lately… well nothing except for bitterness which results from my own loss of focus on Jesus and accumulation of pride and things… petty things which really shouldn’t be a botter but will come crashing down like the roaring rain when i look the wrong way..

heh, anyways i guess now i’m starting to get back into things– back into sanity and a more reasonable resolve that isn’t so emotionally driven… i still have to work at attaining a paradigm shift so that my outlook will be focused on Jesus, and my attitude wouldn’t be so rotten… nevertheless inflection is here — and i’m gonna have to shed this dark cocoon which i have spun around myself as of late.

i still have my lil objections and internal ‘oh grrs’ at certain things — but they’re rather foolish and hey… i need to recognize that ‘who am i to complain? who am i to say what is ‘right’ or i suppose in particular light ‘impose values (suggestions/counsel)’ on the decisions which are made by authority? no one really… i can express my ideas but i’m sure they have their reasons so… whatever the case — they decided, and they stand before GOD accountable for their actions. myself? *shrugs* i’m just a lil person on the side lines watching like in some modern sports game… letting my internal voice roar out with cheers and jeers to what i find favorable and what i find contemptable… and like a modern fan who speaks of knowing ’so very much’ its ironic and hypocritical… cause really no fan would stand a chance to the staring sports heros in their area of competiion… no fan would have the remote skill / strength to withstand the particular athlete. and hey given i stood in their place i might have under the pressures of sport, or the busyness of circumstance made teh same blunders… if not worse… since i am lesser in knowledge, skill and training. fact is… people make mistakes — and consequences? we can’t really do anythign about it… i can complain and give dark rants and resonate with dark energy… but it acccomlplishes nothing. i neither can fix the situation, nor can i really push forward and change anything. better to just stand by and let thigns roll, and share opinion when necessary and accept whatever decisions that are made. afterall not worth the relational tension or personal stress to get a thing done ‘x’ way instaed of ‘y’ way….. even if ‘x’ way is better and more efficient.

hms wells enough of my philosophical reasoning… having too much psych/philo/theological in depth roving for the whilst…
not much happen today or yesterday or anythign like that… started emerging gentoo linux — as my last chance for linux for now–until it develops and becomes ready for teh desktop environment. lots of wasted time / tweaking for this thing — but hopefully… hopefully i’ll have gotten gentoo to work and it’ll serve reliably for university AV today was rather grand… starting to treasure these last few AV things since Shirley’s leaving for Western soon and i’ll get swapped w/ a new team or another video person… who tradition has it to be the sole girl of the AV ministry (english side)… also cherishing the bit of time i get to spend with gabes after church as he rummages through his work things — papers and shoppinglists… *sighs* i’m gonna miss you both lots. and summer seems to be passing so quickly… its like 1.5 months left… half of summer has wasted away and i feel like school just got out… aiy… its times like this i star feeling my age :p yikes 18 already… going into university… not that quiet lil boy who stays in the corner in his silent world of reverie and thought anymore… lol well maybe :p its happy birthday to Cat today — so a special HAPPY BIRTHDAY Catherine… oh wait… ‘joyeux anniversaire Catherine’ (goo babel fish also a fun & happy birthday to Charmaine, and Dan as well July 17 —- as memories serves 2 years ago we went to wonderland on today — a wednesday it was… haha so long ago… when i was 16? wow… 16 looks so young a number when compared to 18… ugh.. lucky ppl w/ that limbo number of 17 ~

hm… friends my dear beloved friends *hugs* next year is gonna be lots diff,
with gabes to mac, shirley to western, jerry as usual in aus/malaysia (yo did you get in yet? medicine :D!?!) nathan out ot loo, and johnny into queens, cat still in town over at UTSG tho… sherm at ryerson… man gonna be so far a stretch… talk about all over the map… *sighs* — church thing gabes we gotta get the tac thing organized soon… and i gotta somehow acquire a barrel or barrel equivalent of ice cream… *hms…* schoolish things — yo nate we gotta meet up this week gabes/you/me/ali/tam ~ after work do something…. but yah… friends such harbingers of joy, comfort, encouragement *cheers* so indebt to all of you i just mentioned…

my bit of loyalty & sentimental emotion spurring… i just …. feel such strong emotion / happiness when i think of you.. *cheers*
*muses* sentiments are candies for my soul

argh!! i am so desolately tired… and i just wonder why i’m still online right now…. why i’m still blogging, why i’m still awake and not sleeping into the happiness of numb artificial death? why? i don’t know… and nor am i going to answer… i just want to write and express the darkness/tiredness/frustrations/anger/bitterness and all those other entrapped emotions within me… so ugh… words of profanity and damnation are starting to flicker by… (no worries… i won’t use any vulgar language so rest assured, my lil blog is still rated G save for some deranged expression.)

right now i am just swamped… inside with a tiny bit of lonliness… not cause i don’t feel i have friends or anything like that.. but lonliness in that i feel far away from God, and out of touch… i feel my life has begun to drift a bit.. and seriously i’ve been skipping out on devotions cause i’ve been feeling so horrid lately ‘crap’ as culture would say…. going through work moving things, and just trying to get everythign done… trying to do my best and give a good servant attitude… but ALL IN VAIN! vanity like a mist of darkness which sweeps up and wraps its dark cape around me…

as i tried to post yesterday theres just so much stress and sources of bitterness right now…

i feel desolate, removed, and simply anti social at church… after JMC this plague of lonliness and general dislike for general ppl at church has grown… and like a spider after a large meal it has grown… bigger and bigger… seriously i have no more motivation to go to church save for my feel friends that are there — really just Gabes / Shirley… and the few ppl i occaisionally talk to but know on a much deeper level - tim/adwin/dorcas/sharon … and man when today my dad suggested going to a closer church… i thought it’d be interesting since i feel really not much love in my church… (thats largely my attitude bias) cause really… i feel kind of used (short term perspective) especially after this week… going to church on wednesday and not doing anything… just sorta called to go fix the computer and watch as other ppl go ahead and use it… and heck i dont’ even want to use the comptuer — its a bloody piece of expensive garbage that is such a waste of money… i’d suggest the church sell it off as a media centre… and so much for keeping it ‘clean’ and without any pirated software… its already reaking of the stuff. and seriously whoever installs such useless garbage on teh comptuer is really pissing me off (pardon the slight lean toward crude slang) but the whole box there is a waste. of money.. time.. resources… everything ugh. so utterly wasting my time at church doing nothing but cleanign the desktop out and making it a tad bit nicer… but seriously for crying out loud… 4 hours burned to oblivion. then today that pull to video editing… ugh…. totally drained of energy… and having such a close deadline… thanks tim / shirley for helping out — i think i might have blown if it weren’t for you both helpign me… and skipping your part and just beign there putting everything together… really appreciate it. (back to dark rant) those kids who kept coming were so ugh LOUD!! my goodness — being totally out of it already they just have to come and randomly come up to me and ask stupid questions or distract our team or drag shirley or tim away… all with the deadline within like half an hour…. hoarding around… man can’t they just give me room to think!! seriously i’m just spent on both my introvertive and extrovertive energy right now… my introvertive energy being used the whole week at work… just in next to complete silence then today with its crazy loudness and noise and chatter! ‘my introvertive self screams for silence!’ so i’m just burned of all energies… and ugh… tomorrow theres that AV training … really should sleep… but want to write.. bah…

but i mean… can’t they see we’re working? can’t they just stay away and leave us alone!!! my goodness its like i have set a wall of fire between them and a foam wall to keep their verbal nonsense from getting to me… ugh!!

fire light crashes down like rainfall in the autumn,
it burneth and shatters the natural wonders
splitting the birth of a young sappling
and consuming the death of an old oak
turning all majestic beauty
black in appearence and white with ash.
heat asunder, tearing through the wilderness trees.
leaving nothing but death and desolation in path
and so… my anger is..
witheld.

sweet poetry… that simmers my annoyances and frustration down… a tad bit… i’m really upset… but upset to soul instilled tears… not true droplets of sadness… but that internal mauve which sets me on the edge… and drops me to my knees… i am nothing…. and tho i complain as such.. i feel as nothing… a simpleton with a fier anger and almost violent hatred… (well not really.. i’m not a violent type of person.. i dont’ think..)

*sighs* — so many sources of bitterness…

there’s one where theres a particular friends whom prejudice and projection has found victim of… he is a particularly ‘dear’ friend due to past historical contexts… yet i somehow strongly dislike him and his way of doing things… and its annoying me so much i sometimes wonder if there could be some way to be free and ‘rid’ of him (not taht i really want that… i just want to be rid of frustrations..) rather funn on teh small insignificant scale… how this bitterness all began… as i think back i remember first being spawned to extravagant jealousy… as i found my ex girlfriend’s parents liked him and were subliminally pressing particular ‘ideas’ to provoke and disadvantage me… and later as i got to know this particular lad… i thought he was decent… and then he had to start copying me UGH! knowing my personality — i strive for ‘individuallism’ or my self deluded version of being ‘unique’ so when this ‘dude’ comes by and starts copying me… like all this junk i’m like :O wn’t you just stop it you’re friggin trying to camp on my style… and doing all these lil things that i do…. sure he says i’m his ‘role model’ but what the heck! i’m not a good role model! ugh!! wont’ you just be yourself and stop cramping on what i do… grr you!! grr!!!! i hate that of you (don’t get me wrong i love you as a brother in christ) but i hate that ugh! and also your arrogant ‘know it all attitude’ (ok… this is where projection comes in cause.. its a part i don’t like and i guess its somehow been forced it on you… tho you still do it and i hate it of you!) like my goodness! you make me sick and each time the church makes a stupid decision it seems to be somwhow rooted with you? and why? its cause you somehow have gotten all influence on those subject matters while us who have more experience on those issues are put back thrown to the back of the closet and ignored… not being asked for our opinions or anything… oh no…. we can’t do that ! ugh !! man! so what else do i dislike about you… i disagree with the way you dress… the way you present yourself irritates me to the core… and your playfullness.. you seriously don’t know when to turn it off — its ugh. YUCK.

so — projection — that jungian theory of someone projecting a particular part or image on another person.. and in my case in several areas i find myself projecting this negative ’shadow’ onto this person… why? maybe its cause you’ve copied so much of me.. and subconsciously my natural inclination is to HATE YOU, but since i’m not really into hatign ppl— not my type of thign i’m more ‘not worth my effort’ indifference type of person… i’ve let it simmer in the back of my mind and have subconsciously projected those particularly dark parts of me in an exaggerated yet connected way of hwo you act…. well maybe — really tho — i don’t like you. sometimes i wish you’d just leave me alone… then again — i love you so whats up w/ that? hypocrisy? jealousy? what? i dunno. you just annoy the ‘helfire’ out of me at times.

so yes… back to today.. beside my dark flowing emotions and anger…
i was really touched by two friends… first to gabes… my very dear and best friend.
thanks for coming out yesterday and waiting for me before leaving, and chatting w/ me those long late nights whence you have work and everything yet you’re right there listenign to me… helping me through and offering your hand as i stumble through this dark downward hill in my life… though sometimes you don’t know what to say — your love, and words pull me through… thanks for showing me your paperbag puppet today and letting me help you with moving the food over… you’re the best dude!
second shirley my close & very cheerful lady friend who’s always there to talk some literacy, intelligence, and objectivity into my often delusional lil mind… thanks for listenign to all my ranting lately and so supportingly help me in those billions of things i so desperately need help on — haha that video tonight… though i feel sorta bad that i couldn’t teach you that much or show you some stuff… i’m really thankful ++don’t feel like you weren’t any help, you were tons, like picking the # for the track for the song… giving your lil prayers and support and helping watch out for thigns as i stumbled along… thank you shirley ~

wells… i don’t really want to revisit my dark and bitter world again for tonight…
just want to go to sleep rest up so tomorrow i can once again make my voyage to church. and be swept up in 3 hours of av training… *sighs* not too fun.. but hey atleast theres training which means some fun i guess… i’m not going to that party tomorrow.. and for good reason too… i’m really not up to it… especially now…. nothing left… i’m on E. (empty for those of you who haven’t ever drive nor looked at the gas metre on teh dash board)

wanting God’s presence to surround and saturate me…
desiring to rest in this silent place
yearning for his healing and warming touch
that i may in all truth, spirit, and life worship.
unashamed, unrestricted, unseen.
the romantic aroma of silence.

nothing.

Inflection Point. An event that changes the way we think and act.
-Andy Grove, Founder of Intel.

Inflection (ĭn-flĕk’shən) - (c) The paradigm of a word.

so.. i’ve been doing some thinking during the long gureling type hours of work… reflecting on some of the dark bitterness which has been floating around me… things that i brought up with Shirley / Gabes yesterday… stuff concerning the root of these roving waves, and thundering storms that are crashing about me… its quite the complicated web with the a formidable spider at the centre of it.

so let the spider be satan, prejudice, jungian projection, pride, arrogance, insecurity… a mix of them or the whole lot of them… whatever theory seems to suit best…

but what is it and how am i to overcome and tame it? how wilt i brandish iron against the neck of this dragon and push it to submission to yield to true-ality?

*sighs* i dunno… don’t even know what to write…. 4 hours since i started writing.. and i really don’t know what to pen down…

well that was sort of a waste… at first glance anyways… went to church today at 6:00 to help fix up the computer… only to come and find that everything has been setup already… tho i hung around thinking i might get to do something… which i eventually did… delete icons off the desktop O.o stupid…

so amidst the bit of grumbles and annoyingness of wasting like my evening at church… i guess its not a waste at all ’cause i got the zoocru equipment for gabes tomorrow, and i got to drive tim / viv home… service isn’t a waste… but yah… could’ve been at home reading… bah…

oh today i found my pay i’m getting $8 / hr — at a lump sum 2 weeks … so $8*40*2 = $640 - taxes… meh
fun how i got like double pay today… since mr. chan had to leave early — left at 1:45 so work half the hours, and get teh same pay woot… still wish i could just work more hours mehs..

wells not much happen today…
kinda dozy from alcohol… aiy.

a flower failing to wilt before a winter storm
freezing as it cringes in the draft of coldness
moments passing before hitting the ground…
shattering and spraying forth into a million pieces…
tears dripping like the entrails of sadness,
blood drawn from a wounded a soul..

i was looking through my cds after some fun talking w/ shirley about music, whence i stumbled onto my old Be Not Nobody album by Vanessa Carlton … yes that ‘witchy’ album… still some pretty tasteful stuff.. one i find that sorta match my cynicism, and slight disheartenedness unearthed is paint it black…. (lyrics below)… yes rather darkly… but yah other songs… sorta sparking pretty smiles within me — 1000 Miles (love that song — haha *yay* no longer makes me depressed! i’m freeee!) Ordinary day (pretty!) and the other ones which are a mix of angst and prettyness… love the orchestral & piano ha — shirley let me let you hear some later on.

Paint It Black
Rolling Stones — (performed by Vanessa Carlton)

I see a red door and I want it painted black
No colors anymore, I want them to turn black
I see the girls walk by dressed in their summer clothes
I have to turn my head until my darkness goes

I see a line of cars and they are painted black
With flowers and my love both never to come back
I see people turn their heads, and quickly look away
Like a new born baby it just happens every day

I look inside myself and see my heart is black
I see my red door and it’s heading into black
Maybe then I’ll fade away and not have to face the facts
It’s not easy facing up when your whole world is black

I wanna see it painted, painted, painted black, oh baby
I wanna see it painted, painted, painted black, oh baby

No more will my green sea go turn a deeper blue
I could not foresee this thing happening to you
If I look hard enough into the setting sun
My love will laugh with me before the morning comes

I wanna see it painted, painted, painted black
Oh, black as night black as coal
I wanna see the sun blotted out from the sky
Painted, painted, painted black, oh baby
Painted, painted, painted black…….

so yes… sorta buried in cynicism… can’t seem to connect w/ God… devotions turning dry… and that impatience that wantign to just get it over with is startign to flare in and blind me… yuck…

first day of work today and i am utterly exhausted… totally spent and i don’t want to move anywhere, just want to stay at my computer, and read my book… and that be the rest of my evening….

today woke up at 6 — got ready for work, as usual… and got to school at 8:20 just hanging out and saying hi to some of my friends who are also working there…. Tim/Tom at Chandos, Tammy/Alison at Scamp, Janice at the swimming pool, Victor in the office.. i spent most of my day in and out of the computer labs…. the first half moving old computers out from the second floor and then down teh stairs and outside… through the intense summer heat and humidity over to the garbage bin… tiring…. thank goodness for trolleys.. but yah didn’t really expect to do such intensive labour… sort of caught by the sudden draft of hardwork… haha lil me not too used to it— tho it was alrite heavy work out but i survived fingers feel like they’re really raw though… sharp metal edges scraping at the upper layers of the epidermal.. can’t wait to get rid of the monitors so i can focus more intently on stuff that actually requires a brain to do…. but i guess you gotta work up to that — also found out unofficially i that i should be making around $8/hr … i work from 9 - 5 which means about 8 hours… a day… assuming i get my meagre $8 x 8 = x 10 = $640 - taxes. however i’ve found out that so far.. that the ppl downstairs work at a rate of $54 / day whence they work from 8:30 - 4:30 — 7 hours… which is $7.71 another person works about that… and gets $56 — which is $8… so i dunno… yorkland’s payment scheme has always been a mystery.. so *shrugs* kinda annoying if it ends up at that — not used to being paid so lil for such work… hehes $20/hr or $100-50 / project…. not as hard physical labour… but mental expertise..

some contemplations while i moved stuff around in midst of my slight grumbles i’m trying to suppress… yes… the unhealthy suppression of some emotions… but really desire to just do my best… in service…. reminds me of stm in 2003 … moving around stuff and doing weird chores… that were oh so bait for grumbles…

oh wells… thats the least of my lil worries… darkess seems to have taken me the inner root of my heart… and has shadowed over translucency…. in a cloud of withdrawl, bitterness, and impatience… i want to run from everything, i don’t want to be with ppl (anti-social) except for my closer friends…. even church seems bleak — service irrelevent… ugh…

hms… haven’t really be posting latey cause yes… nothing is happening so blogging about nothingness… is kinda pointless… even though writing about ‘nothing’ and making ‘nothing’ into a few paragraphs long is one of my specialities in writing… it feels rather pointless and a bit exhaustive… so i’ve just skipped my daily writing habit, and sort of made it every other day…

wells for yesterday didn’t really do much simply cause my parents went to Petersborogh for fishing while i stayed in town.. not really into the whole fishing and driving 2 hours and sitting there doing nothing feeling alone and wallowing in self pity… so i opted to stay and did the paper route for the chinese christian herald…. in which i cut up my hands real bad… : gouging a few layers of skin out of one of my fingers… so now there’s liek a dent of flesh… yes… pretty disgusting…. haha oh boy… no inspiration to write…

today went to church and the guy from World Vision — guy who spoke at TCBC back in may was there and spoke… sunday school… was sorta really out there talking about Calvinism and Armininism… I as the lil philosopher i’m starting to become found the whole thing sort of a waste of time…. like good questions and yah its good to know if we get asked that— but the whole endless debate of which view point is ‘right’ — playing the extremes… i found kind of pointless… like sure i can see why ppl would take both sides.. but the truth is that reality isn’t so black & white like that — its different in situational context, different in cultural context and so on and so forth… calvinism saying that salvation is for those who are appointed and arminissm in which Jesus died for all…. and we have the choice to respond… to me… i think its the in between… cause really i don’t agree with either of the views… i don’t think that Jesus died ONLY for those who accept… neither do i think that its just by human will.. and that if you turn back to your former life style you’ll lose your salvation — sort of contrary thoughts to my theology — in which i take a fundamentalist approach where i build up from key parts of the scripture… mehs… probably interesting if you’re into academic argueing… to me… it seems to just file itself into the topics of ‘Evolution & God?’ and ‘Did Dinosaurs exists?’ and so on and so forth… we can argue forever… and hey we won’t know till forever–eternity… so why won’t we get off our academic bums and go do something about what jesus cares about? what difference does it make? calvinistic or arminian? its not over major issues which affect your faith — maybe in your understanding of God… perhaps — *shrugs*… my rather cynical perspective on that…

speaking of being cynical i found that i’ve developed quite the calous dark and cynical heart… looking at everything shadow side instead of sun side…. kinda sucky…. think its a mix of pride? impatience… impatience… bitterness at being lonely and a social lunatic at times… argh…. wanting to be with those i care about, wantign to talk… yet not knowing what to say — being stupid cause of that escapage…. self delusionment — excuses to get away and sulk in my internal alcove of thoughts and wonderment… oh silliness and immaturity… oh verbal blight… oh patronizing in ability! gar… hms.. so ininspired to write… i want to be quiet… and just be saturated in God’s presence.. yet my heart is restless… like roving waters… crashing about at sea… wanting to land and be still… but rushing towards the shoreline to be smashed and swamped at the cliffside boulders…. yuckyness.. really gotta ’soften up’ humbleness… humilty… stillness and not just quietness….

well after church… sharon treated us out to lunch! Thanks Sharon!!! got so full too… haha Uncle Sam forcing me to eat those extra 2 slices … *oyyy* but yah kwlz time w/ char & sharon — thanks yous! got home after and started readng world of wonders… only to fall asleep… and wake up to the intense summer heat…. stupid AC working only in every other part of the house except my room… which probably emits the most heat besidse teh kitchen stove & clothing iron… : fans on full blast… but still like 29 bla…

hms.. oh tomorow i start work at Yorkland w/ mr. chan… tehehes — gonna be fun, Johnny also leaves tomorrow… and so does Cat? (or was it tonight?) *sighs* more friends leaving…. how ironic it is how the summer acts as a prelude to things to come… university.. .. *sighs* lol gonna miss you all soo much when you go leave for university… *sighs* sentimental lil someone…

so yah in midst of my delusional rush of uninspired words… i guess i’m going to end this off…
goodnight and farewell.*~

I was driving today, after church after fellowship, just myself alone, with my CD player pipping in Passion 05, and as i pulled out of the church parking lot, the all too familiar smell of exhaust and pollution simmered by me with that cool whiff of midnight air… as i drove on west bound toward mccowan, with my windows down it felt so quiet… despite the semi loud music overstatedly ‘blaring’ out of my speakers…. i just felt really quiet… sort of thoughtless, just enjoying the quiet drive home… added with the long stretch of straight road from sheppard accross, tehn up mccowan, it felt extra exhileriating as the lightly polluted air breezed past… reving my engine up to 3 on the odometor, and speeding at my abiding to speed limit 60… just felt so good… felt like i could just keep driving north and just relax…. the cool comfortable around 20 breeze w/ the tint of pollution reminded me of Tsuen Mun Goung Low.. or the Tsuen Mun Highway that connects the new district with the old… and part of it turns on to the road to the airport… and as i breathed this all in i felt homesick again…. how much i would give to be driving accross that bridge with the cool midnight breeze swishing by me, and the calm waves of the pacific ocean buffering on the rocks beneath, turning left i would drive along the coast until i got to my aunt/cousins place… how i miss them… *sighs* Hong Kong.

but yah… today was quite the bad day for me… woke up and pretty much just wasted my day in perpetual vanities… wasting energy, wasting time… jsut indulging in useless activities that further more squander all time and resources. Also found myself losing grip… and once again falling into that dark pool of detestable lust… ugh… mire, like mud, swamping around trying to get out… not quite pleasant… the woes of not having a job, and staying home… should really start reading up on some stuff and startign some preliminary work… tho i have my 2 weeks @ yorkland starting monday.. so *shrugs* …. *sighs* added with my sucky day i guess was just being misunderstood by my parents and getting lectured about several thigns which i only inquired about… i know what they mean, and i know they mean well… and yes i obey… just getting lectured for stuff whence they don’t understand where i’m coming from is really really annoying…. oh bla..

I really want to just quiet down tomorrow.. and be with God… today i feel much guilt and taintedness… and tho he will accept me, and i have asked, and he has forgiven me… i feel i need to spend some time retribution, just staying at the gates of his courts… listening until he calls me to come in…. till then i feel i must kneel and wait.

Gabes/Shirley and a few other ppl are off at Edgewood…. really miss them… Cat comes back for a breif few days *cheers* really missed you too… haha and i won’t have to talk to you via bablefish in french *cheers*

so yah in unworthyness & quietness i guess i will just remain here…