pearbox : undefined

Today i woke up at 7:30 and bussed over to York, Day 1 of 4 of which i will be going to York University before school officially starts… sorta a fun slightly nervous, but definately an eye opener type of an experience
I’m got placed in Vanier college which is i guess is for the ppls in philo,psych,linguistics,law,teaching and so on… sorta a quiet university which didn’t have too much school spirit in the students… or maybe cause today’s froshies didn’t really do much. Perfectly fine with me too much hype isn’t a good thing. I loved the propaganda speeches the ‘master’ (for the sake of politically corectness and accuracy it should be ‘mistress’ since she is a lady) which sorta got you riled up about what Vanier college was really all about. I thought it was nice of her to talk about our ‘rival’ down off somewhere in the south and touch on the issue that i suppose is really important. That is — York isn’t a second class university, it isn’t second to UofT, its unique and its motto of ‘tried and true way’ or something to that extent fits it because its the most innovative university this and that… haha the usuual propaganda spiel that rallies people to the common spirit or attitude. all funs. I guess what i liked it was that the innovation, creativity and all that she talked about connected well with my obsession to be just that… haha funs.

A sideline note but fun nevertheless was how predominate the ‘mob effect’ had on the students.. out of no where someone would clap for some speaker and everyone would be clapping even tho the sound system wasn’t set up quite properly and more often than none you really had no idea what was going on…. nor did you know what you were clapping or praising for. also cool is how when ppl clap for that person this ‘effect’ causes the person him/herself claps along — bits of random fun.

As for friends… i guess i made a few friends today I met up with Akhter of Missauga who’s in Criminology who i pretty much spent the day with chatting about the usual univeristy fun and stuff. I met Matt of Economics in my small group tour thing — pretty funny guy, pleasant to talk with chat and just joke around. Lastly Sezer a guy me and Akhter found and chatted with… haha fun froshieness.

i guess what i’m a bit disappointed of is that when i stepped into the student orientation for vanier…. it was like almost fully devoid of the presence of asian ppl… i counted maybe 6 including me? 3 of which were probably taiwanese or korean? so thats kinda a bummer…. i really wanted to go get to know some more chinese ppl and improve my chinese…. or at least have more of a cultural affinity la.. haha so for conservative chinesey ppls like me lol the presence of 80% girls makes lil difference yay! haha

can’t wait till we meet up with YCCF *smiles* thanks Olivia for all the encouragement and just chatting w/ me as of late— kinda random but once again just going into York today i had a smile cause tho i didn’t know how ‘warm’ York might be, i knew that i already had a warm & loving family there

I guess tomorrow i’m heading out there again, for day 2 of 3 of orientation lots of fun i suppose — lectures & talks are sorta boring but still quite fun i guess… the novelty & excitement hasn’t warn off… nor has my naive lil mind met with reality yet… starting to get a bit nervous… tho i should do alright right? *gulp*

so yah guess another day quickly flying by… gonna try to sleep earlier tonight — since i slept at 4 last night w/ 3 hours…. pretty yucky.

so yah *cheers*
a tad bit of worry waning towards hopefuleness? *shrugs*

wells… 1st day back from camp and i guess i’ve seriously fallen back into full routine all over again… slept in from pure exhaustion and sorta just moseyed around the house feeling groggy and a bit headachey… not too fun. Quiet Time, finished Mark again.. gonna try shifting over to Ephesians now and i guess reflect and chew on all that stuff during Sunday School… i dunno a bit of worry over the before mentioned topic. but mehs its all in God’s hands anyways… and there’s no point in getting worked up over something that didn’t really happen..

So yah during the day being sorta plagued w/ my headache… i decided to lie down and rest… take a break off work, and just relax…. took some ‘un que’ (chinese) some Vitamin C and lay down to read What’s Bred in the Bone…. pretty interesting love the allusions to classic art, and all this stuff — haha

at 7 i drove out to Commerce Gate (HWY 7 && Leslie) and met up with Johnny where we just went out to the park and chatted about stuff… bits of heart to heart i guess, then we went to second cup and i had a Red Eye Mocha which i guess for the most part was just a hard mocha… 1 part chocolate and 2 part dark bitter coffee? fun stuff anyways — later Nathan joined up and we went out for Korean BBQ lots of fun just chatting haha wow you got a girlfriend nathan lol, but lots of fun, and lots of change — we’ve matured quite a bit over the summer and can just come out so openly and talk *smiles* its great to know that when all is said and done and when we come back and have our lil chill out nights we can just be so beautifully transparent haha its like that ideal fellowship — just w/o the need of any program or hierchy to structure..

Just look Gabe’s said — how when we get older doing ’stuff’ becomes less of a thing ’stuff’ is nothing — its more about just laying back and chillaxing catching up with each other’s life — none of those confusing blog stuff just pure heart to heart — haha love it guys— thanks for coming out tonight i had lots of fun *cheers* next bit — on thursday with everyone? haha nate let me know
after dinner and that driving around (before dinner) we went to Markham Theatre / Civic Center where johnny showed us his ‘top of the line’ haha as nathan called it ‘make out spots’ euuh!! but i have to admit really nice and pretty to just go at night and walk and be with God. I doubt i’d ever do that make out thing haha so ewww but its definately a nice place.

then to conclude the night johnny and his drifting haha you guys are so crazy — playing w/ your cars rofl — i’ll stick with my responsible driving yah 60km/hr man!

wells its 2:22 — and i have to wake up early tomorrow for froshweek! so good night haha you guys rock man — gonna miss you so much,

+Johnny call me up sometime before you go good night ~

Your love for me is a healing comfort for me
Your grace to me is a matchless gift to me
Your power in me is a mighty river in me

Your sovereignty is a sure foundation for me
Your care for me is enduring peace in me
Your hope in me brings a sweet surrender to me

hms… really what else can i do but worship and bow before the God who loves me to the infinite reaches of the universe…
that song is beautiful — its words just resonate… with my heart for some reason.

Wells I guess i’m back in Toronto, back at home and back into the natural flow of things… but really quite a bit has been on my mind lately… that is since i left for Aletheia Camp.. and maybe even a bit of lingering before that…

I guess as a reflection — Aletheia Camp was honestly below my initial expectations… everything seemed just a bit chaotic and disorganized.. yet in midst of that– i think God really came out and spoke waterfalls… i guess i could record the lil incidents that made the trip… but really… between the scattered bits of chaos, the drenching rain, the focussed worship / quiet time… and just time with friends there really wasn’t much thats noteably and exceptionally ‘important.’

The camp in itself… i thought was empty, and sorta dry — seemed like nothing was really planned and it was just food sermons and free time… sorta like JMC except even looser — so not really busy… yet at the same time… not very eventful.

Quiet time and the bit of sermons was pretty interesting… went out alone into the woods as i usually do at camps… to just sit on the dry ground and listen… pray, reflect and do some reading.. nothing i guess exceptionally inspiring — i suppose…

tho toby’s talking about finding a home to stick to provoked some thought… namely where i shall place my ‘home’ in the next four years… sure TJCAC is my home… and Aletheia is that temporary shelter that houses my family… yet at the same time.. those i’d actually consider ‘family’ are mostly all vanished over the horizon in a week or so… Jerry over the in Australia, Gabes over at Mac, Johnny at Queens, Shirley at Western, Nathan at Waterloo.. i guess just most everyone i’ve found an affinity with during High School shall be gone… leaving me with one best friend — Kat whom… tho i cherish her friendship like a gem… seems to have grown slightly distant as of late… why? i don’t know… perhaps its just transition and everything mix in a bit of personality.. and just she moving on with her friends… and i a bit w/ mine.. tho i don’t know — most usually i think i’m still just floating around w/o much of a group to hang around w/… tim / adwin are up in Aletheia now which is good, just i dunno in all perspective Aletheia is a home… just not too homely… *shrugs* YCCF looks promising… i just wonder how active i might partake in it and how much affinity i might find in that environment… bleh — just gotta wait and see… find what God wants… and where he wants me to go….

funny road it seems — now knowing the way, but just some waypoint far ahead in the distant future…. silliness i guess on my part… not trusting God enough– its just a bit awkward i suppose stumbling around wondering what God wants me to do right now… this mix of direction.. i’m trying to just focus my attention / energies on a ministry that’d supposedly bring me there… hard to discern God’s direction…and sometimes i think i’m trying to do it out of my own strength… bah — china why must the road look so confusing… yet of course ‘all roads lead to china’

Other heartfelt bits i guess.. was just that last night and talking about university.. and that sudden rush of reality just surges out… and breaks all denial of reality… all simplistic thinking and its like BANG! its here Perry, its time to start again. School, but on a completely new Level. new people, completely new challenges, and just everything from a fresh clean start… except this time… there’s no special guardian angel named Gabes there to introduce me to the environment… and get me connected with friends and what not…

It’s odd… so far up to Year One, i’ve probably gone to a lot more schools than a lot of my friends.. like the whole swapping of environment — grade1 @ Alan Howard Waldorf School, Grade 2 - 4 @ Toronto Waldorf, 5 - 6 @ three fishes, Grade 7-12 Yorkland… and wow Yorkland has a whole 5 years…. maybe my uneasyness is not so adapting… but i’ve just become so used to something… bleh i dunno..

talking about this just pushes me to go on with my sentimental spiel… that over the months and years gone by… has settled deep inside of my heart… and just likes to periodically erupt… in sincerity and gratitude to some of my friends… i guess… i won’t write that for now…. since i’ve probably lost most of you thus far…. hehes long posts — everyone skims… and how approriate i can skim my readers with it too.

i guess reflecting back on Camp… i had a lot of fun, really i enjoyed it a lot tho this draft of lonliness drenched me the first night as i just sat at the foot of my best friends (Gabes/Kat) and i guess didn’t really get a chance to talk to them whilst they joked around and the sort — haha the foolish lil bit of ‘left out’ emotion… that often plagues the introverted at heart.

Later on in the camp i had a lot of fun just chatting and being myself w/ some of my friends that i chat more iwth — how nice it is to be in company where an overture of affinity hangs… with mutual cheer and happiness. friendship at its very best. not too ong afterwards tho i got a chance to talk some with Gabes and to be by him his crazy lil ’shadow’ and haha water fight was pure hilarium…

looking back i wonder if i might have been too transparent… like sure there is love in friendship — yet in a friendship there is i think a great depth of restraint as to how that love manifests itself. And though in all retrospect and reflection i think everything was inlign… i didn’t act out of boundary, character, or differently had i been w/ any of my other close friends. its weird and uncanny tho… my consience sorta etches on me… and i wonder at myself… had that tiny bit of natural admiration that i so carefully witheld and reserved accidentally spilt prematurely in a droplet of vanity?

i dunno… its a scary thought though, i don’t deny the existance of a pure heart of sincere admiration that i have with all my close friends, its just this certain angle isn’t my focus right now… and i would rather bleed a thousand droplets of tears then let such a trivial and stupid issue break and mess up a friendship — and true friendships being such treasures i cherish — that would be most unfortunate.

hms… what confuddlement. mixed emotions on what to do.
and i suppose i needn’t do anything since i’d probably just blunder more and selfdestruct in anxiety and worry over nothingness… haha guess i’m the silly bee…

in reflection and this excessively long post — i suppose really what else can i do? there’s nothing — except to just bow and worship…. and admire and adore my beloved savior. to just surrender sweet friendship’s flame and let it simmer into the starlight — into the hands of Jesus… Afterall thats what’s important now — especially when i embark onto this next part of life…

+yes for all you camp gossipy types who are reading this just for the ’stuff’ — i’m being rather plain and simple… and well i don’t write for you to read… i’m just writing my journal my bit of spiel & expression and reflection so if you’re going to go be an idiot about it… then you can just go suck a lemon (be sour).

sleepy sleepy perry right now haha… just been pounding away at that lil project that i’ve so irresponsibly treated thus far… working pretty fast — getting most everything setup… i guess just gotta figure out the formatting and php layouts .. ugh the syntax is so beautiful… just haven’t caught complete grasp over the semantics.

hms — i should off to bed… got camp tomorrow… still gotta camp and buy snacks and all that fun stuff yum

oh yah special *cheers* to Shirley! you got your G2 yay!
+Thanks everyone for praying

goodnight.

View Here
johnny sent this to me rather humorous.
moral is to be careful w/ your heart and who you share it with.

i was poking around online today… and spontaneously wanted to check out those cute lil robotic vacuum cleaners… you see in korean flicks/anime — or else everywhere else in the world and haha they are awesome!

$279 USD haha i’d love to get one of these — lol over a PSP :p robot
probably cheaper over in Asia tho
interesting news over at flexbeta and rumourous slashdot is Google Talk

interesting to see how googleTalk will fare against M$’s widespread ‘powers’ and AOL’s crazyness :p

+i think i’m feeling slightly better today — quiet time is massly important just putting everythign before God… bleh reality sux as it usually does… but by His grace we live on
afterall pain is limited to that instantaneous point in time… you don’t feel pain of the past nor of the future — that is unless you summon sorrowful memories… and even then its bringing past pains to the ‘now’ makes you wonder… if pain in this time restricted realm is already so distasteful — how it will be when ppl are broken from that… and enter into the vast eternity w/o knowing Christ :\

Special Prayer Request
for Shirley - G2 Test tomorrow
-that she will pass -safe driving
-good weather
-instructor will be kind, and gracious
-calm the lil jitters of nervousness
-her practice / road experience will take over
-God’s comforting presence that lays a mist of peace during both the before, present and after.

do your best Shirley *cheers*

time. energy. effort. creativity.
infused vanity.
helplessness.

*sighs* quite a lot on my mind and quite a bit of work i have to catch up on… so probably won’t be posting/updating anytime soon.

lately everything has taken a new light… and by that i don’t mean the physical realm of reality we’ve grown to operate in… but the mental plane of thought known as ‘attitude’, ‘outlook’ or ‘paradigm’ or any of that sort of literal paraphrase

and i don’t know… hopping from different views… seeking… and seeking — and it seems that at all angles serving in all technical aspect seems vain and unfruitful. Sure i can do the video editing, teaching, fixing up of computers and what not… but my passion here is dead.

it just seems instance after instance — it blurrs and becomes more frustrating… i wonder if i’m lacking submission…. if i’m distorted somewhere in my attitude… but it seems to just come back to where i stood back in the early months of winter.

Christianity - Doing (service) vs Relationship (quality time getting to know Him) ye old Mary && Martha story… all over again… except in my case I’m Mary struggling to withdraw from my work and be Martha to just sit still and listen…

i dunno there are just so many frustrations i have with serving in Creative Arts Ministry right now — i really think i’m going to hate it soon…. i’ve been called to church a few dozen times lately and arriving there i’ve done next to nothing… sure i put in the bit that was required… it just seems such a bad investment of time…. i feel like there are a million and one things i would be better off doing.

seriously.

each time i get asked, i inner thought pokes me and i wonder — should i shift off to a different Church during the school term? one that is closer and which i can just get a new start — away from so many ministries which are now clouding the horizon? Sure i’m enthusiastic and willing to learn and serve…. but at the same time….. its dry and dead — yes there are those church loyalties and things and its probably better for me to just resign…. i just ugh… so need to focus… bla….

Like a sheet of white winter snow..
A cloudless, empty, midnight sky
A scriptless piece of blank paper
And the heart of an uninspired poet.

empty and broken, completely alone i crawl to the gates of this theoretic monestary… the holy ground piercing me to uncover my feet… and walk in the natural unblemished soil… i cringe with fear.. as i touch the mountaneous stones that mark the steps… a cold fear of being unaswered, of scratching surface sand…. and finding nothing swipes through me… another step.. The fears of hot coals burning my body… as i am found corrupt and unclean, unworthy to be admitted into the inner sanctum. still another step… and the weight of my sins crush me… and i call out… all effort but to pull on the smooth granite to get to the next step… a wash of warm crimson grace rains down upon me… as i touch the last step…. and the weight of guilt falls off me like red maples in the fall… the gate of the sanctum… left open as i creep silently into the inner housing of this great house. the curtain torn in half… and there before the throne in the grandhall… stands a man i have never seen before…. a man who’s voice so silent…. barely audiable…. yet so familiar… His smile… so comforting… his arms open wide as if wanting to take me into his embrace…. i stare up at him… my eyes barely able to see at the rush of bright glory that resonates in the air around him…. falling to my knees… i cry out in confusion… He steps closer…. reaching out his hand for mine… I am confused… his hand punctured… his voice dear and sweet… yet as i cry out… and try to reach him…. i feel my arms begin to fail me… i am flailing…. and the darkness outside the monestary seems to cloud and rush in around me…. wind and storm clashing with great darkness…. He looks at me… at my confusion at my minimal recognition of his soverign identity… compassion. his eyes flashed…. and with his right hand still reaching towards me… his left went up… and with a sudden crash of thunder… the darkness froze…. the storm stood still about me, still — like a child sleeping. He calls for me… silence clouds his voice… but i know he is speaking… I see his mouth move…. it dims am i deaf? blind!? i crawl forward…. and find my hands fumbling in the darkness… a book… an old and arcaic book…. layered with dust…. yet its words burn with brilliant light… His voice… audiable, however faint beckons me to read… to listen and find Him in the very words on the page…