pearbox : undefined

Your love for me is a healing comfort for me
Your grace to me is a matchless gift to me
Your power in me is a mighty river in me

Your sovereignty is a sure foundation for me
Your care for me is enduring peace in me
Your hope in me brings a sweet surrender to me

hms… really what else can i do but worship and bow before the God who loves me to the infinite reaches of the universe…
that song is beautiful — its words just resonate… with my heart for some reason.

Wells I guess i’m back in Toronto, back at home and back into the natural flow of things… but really quite a bit has been on my mind lately… that is since i left for Aletheia Camp.. and maybe even a bit of lingering before that…

I guess as a reflection — Aletheia Camp was honestly below my initial expectations… everything seemed just a bit chaotic and disorganized.. yet in midst of that– i think God really came out and spoke waterfalls… i guess i could record the lil incidents that made the trip… but really… between the scattered bits of chaos, the drenching rain, the focussed worship / quiet time… and just time with friends there really wasn’t much thats noteably and exceptionally ‘important.’

The camp in itself… i thought was empty, and sorta dry — seemed like nothing was really planned and it was just food sermons and free time… sorta like JMC except even looser — so not really busy… yet at the same time… not very eventful.

Quiet time and the bit of sermons was pretty interesting… went out alone into the woods as i usually do at camps… to just sit on the dry ground and listen… pray, reflect and do some reading.. nothing i guess exceptionally inspiring — i suppose…

tho toby’s talking about finding a home to stick to provoked some thought… namely where i shall place my ‘home’ in the next four years… sure TJCAC is my home… and Aletheia is that temporary shelter that houses my family… yet at the same time.. those i’d actually consider ‘family’ are mostly all vanished over the horizon in a week or so… Jerry over the in Australia, Gabes over at Mac, Johnny at Queens, Shirley at Western, Nathan at Waterloo.. i guess just most everyone i’ve found an affinity with during High School shall be gone… leaving me with one best friend — Kat whom… tho i cherish her friendship like a gem… seems to have grown slightly distant as of late… why? i don’t know… perhaps its just transition and everything mix in a bit of personality.. and just she moving on with her friends… and i a bit w/ mine.. tho i don’t know — most usually i think i’m still just floating around w/o much of a group to hang around w/… tim / adwin are up in Aletheia now which is good, just i dunno in all perspective Aletheia is a home… just not too homely… *shrugs* YCCF looks promising… i just wonder how active i might partake in it and how much affinity i might find in that environment… bleh — just gotta wait and see… find what God wants… and where he wants me to go….

funny road it seems — now knowing the way, but just some waypoint far ahead in the distant future…. silliness i guess on my part… not trusting God enough– its just a bit awkward i suppose stumbling around wondering what God wants me to do right now… this mix of direction.. i’m trying to just focus my attention / energies on a ministry that’d supposedly bring me there… hard to discern God’s direction…and sometimes i think i’m trying to do it out of my own strength… bah — china why must the road look so confusing… yet of course ‘all roads lead to china’

Other heartfelt bits i guess.. was just that last night and talking about university.. and that sudden rush of reality just surges out… and breaks all denial of reality… all simplistic thinking and its like BANG! its here Perry, its time to start again. School, but on a completely new Level. new people, completely new challenges, and just everything from a fresh clean start… except this time… there’s no special guardian angel named Gabes there to introduce me to the environment… and get me connected with friends and what not…

It’s odd… so far up to Year One, i’ve probably gone to a lot more schools than a lot of my friends.. like the whole swapping of environment — grade1 @ Alan Howard Waldorf School, Grade 2 - 4 @ Toronto Waldorf, 5 - 6 @ three fishes, Grade 7-12 Yorkland… and wow Yorkland has a whole 5 years…. maybe my uneasyness is not so adapting… but i’ve just become so used to something… bleh i dunno..

talking about this just pushes me to go on with my sentimental spiel… that over the months and years gone by… has settled deep inside of my heart… and just likes to periodically erupt… in sincerity and gratitude to some of my friends… i guess… i won’t write that for now…. since i’ve probably lost most of you thus far…. hehes long posts — everyone skims… and how approriate i can skim my readers with it too.

i guess reflecting back on Camp… i had a lot of fun, really i enjoyed it a lot tho this draft of lonliness drenched me the first night as i just sat at the foot of my best friends (Gabes/Kat) and i guess didn’t really get a chance to talk to them whilst they joked around and the sort — haha the foolish lil bit of ‘left out’ emotion… that often plagues the introverted at heart.

Later on in the camp i had a lot of fun just chatting and being myself w/ some of my friends that i chat more iwth — how nice it is to be in company where an overture of affinity hangs… with mutual cheer and happiness. friendship at its very best. not too ong afterwards tho i got a chance to talk some with Gabes and to be by him his crazy lil ’shadow’ and haha water fight was pure hilarium…

looking back i wonder if i might have been too transparent… like sure there is love in friendship — yet in a friendship there is i think a great depth of restraint as to how that love manifests itself. And though in all retrospect and reflection i think everything was inlign… i didn’t act out of boundary, character, or differently had i been w/ any of my other close friends. its weird and uncanny tho… my consience sorta etches on me… and i wonder at myself… had that tiny bit of natural admiration that i so carefully witheld and reserved accidentally spilt prematurely in a droplet of vanity?

i dunno… its a scary thought though, i don’t deny the existance of a pure heart of sincere admiration that i have with all my close friends, its just this certain angle isn’t my focus right now… and i would rather bleed a thousand droplets of tears then let such a trivial and stupid issue break and mess up a friendship — and true friendships being such treasures i cherish — that would be most unfortunate.

hms… what confuddlement. mixed emotions on what to do.
and i suppose i needn’t do anything since i’d probably just blunder more and selfdestruct in anxiety and worry over nothingness… haha guess i’m the silly bee…

in reflection and this excessively long post — i suppose really what else can i do? there’s nothing — except to just bow and worship…. and admire and adore my beloved savior. to just surrender sweet friendship’s flame and let it simmer into the starlight — into the hands of Jesus… Afterall thats what’s important now — especially when i embark onto this next part of life…

+yes for all you camp gossipy types who are reading this just for the ’stuff’ — i’m being rather plain and simple… and well i don’t write for you to read… i’m just writing my journal my bit of spiel & expression and reflection so if you’re going to go be an idiot about it… then you can just go suck a lemon (be sour).