pearbox : undefined

on a much lighter note -
Just liek to wish Shirley a Happy Birthday
+thanks for helping w/ AV despite leaving for Western and everything.

i don’t understand.. i’m a confused wreck…

Jesus Lover Of My Soul (It’s All About You)
Paul Oakley

Jesus, lover of my soul
All consuming fire is in Your gaze
Jesus, I want You to know
I will follow You all my days

For no one else in history is like You
And history itself belongs to You
Alpha and Omega, You have loved me
And I will spend eternity with You

It’s all about You, Jesus
And all this is for You
For Your glory and Your fame
It’s not about me
As if You should do things my way
You alone are God and I surrender
To Your ways

John 8:31
[...] If you abide in My word, you are My Disciples indeed.

i don’t understand.
I go to church… listen to the sermon, serve in AV, do my bit of treasury work… and come out… return home, and i feel completely empty… I feel spent, destitute… a loss for words except numb, tears, and alone. I’ve been listening to this song 5 times now…. w/ its mellow minor key wrapping its lovely melody around me.. and yet it still feels so cold… is it simply physical? or is that chill indwelt in my heart? reflecting, thinking… psychoanalyzing myself…. I don’t know… I miss my friends, I miss serving God, I miss His presence, his gentle voice, his guiding touch, and that fire in his eyes that lights my own spirit to fervor. Yet i always find myself in this void, this chasm of lonliness.. Is it me? my introversion acting in a spirit of anti-social avoidance.. only seeking the presence of those who actually care instead of pittiance and fine talk? i guess it could very well be so. but i don’t understand it. and its frustrating me… UGH! stupid neighbour is hammering hockey balls at the garage again… …ANGER, spiteful rage…. why am i so easily spurred.. emotional ugh .. love your neighbour as yourself..

i don’t suppose i know. That song… its one of the lovliest songs ever… always comforting me in my lonliness, emptyness, brokeness… and i think its one of those songs i can just sing with my all…. not just my mouth like the numerous new songs… which come and go before really sinking into your heart.. but this one… it resonates with my being… why? anther question unaswered. but i can sing, even listen in full sincerity… the question is in reflection i’ve done all those things haven’t i?
Nope - Everything except the the last line, and that Bible Verse..

*To Surrender to Your Ways.*

Yes I’ve surrendered my struggles/problems numerous times… but thats totally different right from surrendering to His Way. in my own obscurity i don’t even know both Him, or his way… Afterall thats what Discipleship is about right? Knowing/Loving/Conforming to Jesus. Its not about reading the bible, going to church, doign all these impressive sounding ministry things that dots your resume but gets you no scholarships / jobs cause of lack of ‘world experience’ thats not it. and its been obvious to me all this time… i’ve for the most part missed the mark. Yes i serve in reverence and worship… yes i did have an attitude of humility and all those jargonous ‘jesus attributes’ but what? I don’t know Jesus.

Who is this Jesus? I don’t know, sure i can describe his fancy titles and taht he ‘loves’ me and all… but Who is Jesus?

Can i describe him like i would a loved one? if he’s my best friend, then shouldn’t i be able to describe him like i would my other best friends? If he’s my beloved then can’t i at least be able to describe him as i might one of my casual friends? Like what’s wrong with this paradigm? He’s “inmaterial” sure but so is the personality of my friends and all — so whats lacking? Discipleship. A true relationship with God. Like how we find ourselves saying what our best friends say, or have those particular exprsesions like tapping your nose, or tear with your finger pulled down your cheek, or fooligan, or “Guess what? You’re Special” etc.. etc..

There’s more to Jesus — and i am utterly blind / callous. and why’s that? Cause I haven’t learned to surrender TO His will, not surrender my will — its not about me. TO His will. so then why is it so difficult to pick up my Bible and read? why is it that his words are dry and i scratch surface sand? Cause He isn’t close to me yet, his words are worth as much as a famous stranger who comes up to me and tells me something, so much less than my beloved, best friend and everything….

Thats got to change.

hm… that was somewhat insightful… its all seemingly coming together… and despite those being words i wrote these ideas are completely new to me… hm..

perhaps i’m not as confused as i once was..
puzzlement.

+once again thanks Joeie for your email, still reading it over…

I really didn’t like tonight’s Aletheia program tonight, not because of the planning/cell group leaders (so don’t take it personally — Karmel/Stephen just i really really didn’t like how it went.

It started out with Worship, Offering, and then breaking up into guys/gurls to draw the ‘perfect’ girl/guy respectively, this was all fun and games i guess… except some of the comments were a bit on the sketchy indecent side… then exchange & decipher… i felt kinda disgusted at this point, the typical stereotypical guy interpretation — of how girls are somehow inferior to guys, and they talk too much, control freaks, etc.. etc…

I don’t know why, but I really hated it, and in discussion from 9:30 to 10:20 — it just felt like it was droning on. The Battle of the Sexes… sorta ‘ripping’ at each other’s stereotypes, and then going off on the usual tangent of oh ‘what should i do if i like a girl’ and bla bla… perhaps i dislike it from my previous ’stint’ and how irrevelent i find the topic…

Ideals and the ‘instructions’ of what ppl should do in Situation ABC.. i mean just be yourself right? sure there are good remarks like Dan’s “do you think we have a future together” but at the same time… if i were to say that, as ‘good’ as it is from a political point of view… it wouldn’t quite be myself… so I kinda totally disagreed with that. But i guess what really ticked me off was the ’stereotyping’ and ’sly remarks’ that jokingly tore people down… i feel sad for like Kat and Melissa, or Alex when they try to say something and get what they said verbally ripped apart and converted into an insult/dry remark back to them. Like sure its all ‘jokes’ but its so cold… so distasteful… so unJesus. Sure there were probably jokes and teasing and what not between the Disciples.. but i don’t see how it’d go to that degree… it seemed senseless… and I really felt sorry for Alvin — whomever he is…. saw him, wanted to talk to him… but didn’t get the chance — not sure if he’s a Christian or not… but even if he was, I dont’ think he’d want to be thsi kind of ‘christian’ — fellowship felt so far and out there…. sure it was openforum discussion but… what does Jesus think? no mention of him… out of mind, out of sight, out of hearing.. :\

Perhaps I wasn’t too ‘right’ with the group either… being the observer… and not taking action… and in a way one could say i’m “judging” but regardless of technicalities… I really think something was wrong there.
*sighs* Aletheia.

Each time I come, you seem to lose a bit of flavour, lose a bit of love… and become less and less the home i so desire…

I guess on the bright side… it contrasts and shows me how much God has blessed me with YCCF — the home and i guess main source of spiritual nourishment now a days (next to sunday sermons) cause each program we begin with prayer, end with prayer — we pray for each other, worship, build each other up… even when there’s crazy pranks or rude remarks they’re plain in the context of humour — not slamming someone in the face when they’re trying to make a serious conversation.

*hugs* God Thank You!!

Just hope/pray that God would work past present situations — that whomever this Alvin whom i don’t know was…. that we wouldn’t have shamed/broken what he thought about Jesus, ‘christians’, and church.

Fact: Church Lacks Discipleship.

perhaps i’m wrong… perhaps i’m right? *shrugs* my observations, feel free to share what you think… if you’d like.

Click for Full Pic

Before i go on any further about this pretty mac looking screenshot, just want to say thanks Joeie for taking the time to see how i was, and sending me the little write up– that i guess really reminded me of God’s picture of what he has in mind… and perhaps that distraught feeling of lonliness is more than just a casual bit of emotional distress… ha - i really should be boiling out my bit of energy feeling disheartened and sorry for myself… but yah thanks for the reminder
Now back to fly a kite!
So today between my South Asia Lab and my Psych lecture, me and Alvin stopped by York Lanes (York’s mini-mall) for lunch.. and we went over to Data Integrity to burn some time and i saw this Mac looking thing coming out of an HP mini tower… which was odd cause it looked like some severely messed up looking version of a Mac looked around and found out there was a lil program under ’start’ (or the apple logo) called FlyAKiteOSX — which looked pretty awesome and stable and everything (not to mention i kinda got bored of Emerge… slightly buggy) so coming home i set it up and there we have the pretty desktop

FlyAKiteOSX was really easy to setup/configure — easier than aston/blackbox/emerge, pretty bad documentation but everything iis pretty straight forward… it just ‘works out of the box’

*featuers include:*

-Startup Screen
-remodded start button / task bar
-RKdock
-Icons
-Folder Colour
-themable
etc.. pretty mature… best of all its Free
If you’d like to test it out — you can hop over to their site and try it out — its a pretty AJAX powered thing with basic functionality really pretty and all…

excellent lil program for PC users whom are still on Windows… so give it a try if you’d like –

fun fun.

URPP Scheduled:
October 26, 2005 1:00 PM - 1:40 PM
Location: BSB 014A

exhaustion… nothing but exhaustion and messed up ness today…. slept at 4 yesterday finishing the website thing which has been sort of weighing me down for the last while… argh but yah thats done…

Humanities Tutorial - didn’t read a page of the 30 i had to read
Linguistics Tutorial - slept

Afterwards i bussed over to Finch Station and subwayed over to ye old fairview… which surprisingly was like a dreadful trip down memory lane…. *sighs* oh fairview… so many memories from highschool laughter, silliness, hilarium… and i don’t know.. it just feels so very lonely at University sometimes… not that CCF is cold, or i don’t have a lecture buddy (Alvin for psych/humanities) just…. i just wish there one was someone i could really connect with, someone i can chill out w/ during my long hours of nerdish studying…. someone to talk to about whatever… someone that i could have a close affinity with…

*sighs* Gabes haha i really really miss you :p and just all those times we’ve had during gr7-12 and well before.. back in grade 5 and 6 we went down to the UofT camp via subway with Ryan/Lanrick so very long ago…. lil hooligans running around, and now look at how far we’ve come… yet how far in distance… kind of disheartening… It seemed that as i walked through fairview — walking by those very limited stores.. the memories just flashed by in some depressive drama or something… walked by Jacob Connexxions.. Jen dragging us in there and stuff, Sony Store - Jet Li/dog game/golf game… so much, CompUsmart which we usually hopped into just for the heck of it…. the food court — last year w/ nate & adrian & johnny… H&M whe it first opened and looking bewildered at the guy section which sported hot pink in ‘fashionable’ gayness heh…. the first time we bussed together to church back in grade 8 for Hosanna in the winter, and walking all the way to Victoria Park cause of our crazy antics…. then Grade 11 our almost weekly early bus trips cochaing… and all… *sniffles* miss ya man :p

so many times i just wish there was someone close i could talk to… but no one at church really goes to York… kinda suckyness— in away its good… cause i can break out of my shell of ‘expectations’ and just breathe, yet I just wished one of my close friends - Gabes/Kat/Jerry/Johnny were nearby.. ah lonliness — makes me want to cry sorta…. bla… blood that drips from the soul..

on the bright side… i guess it awakens me to how much i really love and appreciate you guys — and just how important you are in my life… and i guess try to be more open and make more friends…. tho for my personality i guess thats really difficult…. since i always seek for that deep intrinsic relationship, which i guess is just really difficult to find / develop very quickly…. not to mention my lonerisms, my inability to speak and make casual small talk — sort of like… as much as i want to open myself, i find a lack of meaningful things to say… and i just sit quietly and listen… absorbing, evesdropping if you want to be blunt about it…, miscellanious information like a voice recorder O.o

*sighs* — miss you guys so much :\

oh grr… how i hate old Pentium 1s especially propriety cases and their ridiculous shelves & ‘unique’ cables that ONLY work with their hardware which otherwise is identical to generic…

yes… my room behind me… after cleaning it today is a total mess with 3 P1s strewn about, various parts, and screws, and everything… ugh working w/ old hardware, old cases and everything is one of the most annoyingest things… cause you move it a bit it doesn’t work, it boots and seems to work, you restart and *poof* its busted… ha — pretty much wasted the whole afternoon to no avail or product.

closest i got was 3 Hdd detected + 1 floppy… which is superb except the cdrom was dead and thus i couldn’t featherlinux it

boo, ah well… gotta get to doing real work tomorrow.

*cheers* finished the first exam for university today. and it was simply beautiful. i say this despite knowing my mark… so it can turn ugly real quick :p but i tried my best and offered the rest up to God so hopefully it’ll be ok

65 Multiple Choice, 11 Marks of Short Answer/Labeling

I think i did alright — other than the parts she told us weren’t going to be on the exam, it was overall pretty easy maybe about 5-7 questions i didn’t quite know and guessed, so hopefully no trixie multiple choice will jump out and hurt. I’m feeling pretty confident… even prideful really gotta chill it and acknowledge that God is control and whatever mark i got is really by His Grace.

Studying Evaluation -
Prior - Read each chapter(1-3) once as assigned
Chapter 4 - skimmed reading - copied out terms / definitions
Wednesday - @ School 3 hours
Saturday - @ Markham Civic Centre 2 hrs (whilst sister had art class)
Monday - @School 1.5 hours @Home 2 hrs
Tuesday - @School 2 Hours @Timmies’ 2 hours
Wednesday - @Home 2.5 Hours
hms approx 15 hours.. yikes… is that overkill?

I need to get my 8 hours of sleep in else the quality of actual studying dramatically deteriorates. so bla better luck next time i guess :p

no… i didn’t get a girlfriend, so rest assured the world isn’t coming to an end yet, heh.

but yes the title - *a lady to love…* is just this funny little idea that spawned into my lil mind yesterday — whilst i was suppose to be studying but instead read about four chapters of Blue Like Jazz and yes Cyrus thats an amazing book — Thanks for recommending it I guess I just felt really convicted about the love thing just how the church, and a lot of Christians have this fixed view on the world and how if its homosexual, swearing, violence, sex, drugs, harrypotter (also thanks Garry), Da Vinci Code etc… its suddenly ‘mystified’ into this dark evil that we must all gnash our teeth at, and No where in the Bible does it teach that.

I know for myself that this ’state’ has been self ingrained in me, even before I became a christian, way back when i was in going to grade 1-2 I told my parents how they didn’t have to worry cause I wouldn’t go with the bad crowd, wouldn’t swear and all that stuff. They didn’t teach me, i just seemed to have this self-righteous ideal, haha maybe its cause i’m raised in conservative yet modernized family. but yah after reading that i just feel really really inspired to love.

I don’t mean the love thats sorta annoying me poking at the back of my emotional search for my anima, I mean the love that Jesus has for the prostitute, the tax collector, the self righteous rich person, the lowly children whom everyone sort of pushes around… that genuine love — i want to learn that, i want to live that. I want to embrace that darkness which we all shun.

Yes its dangerous and everything but… seriously now, isn’t that what Jesus said and did embraced the very ‘evil’ that the people rejected — that is not to say to embrace the ‘evil’ but to embrace the church see’s as and mix up as ‘evil’?

Early in proverbs it says to walk in wise counsel and all that stuff, and it seems ‘embracing darkness’ seems to be totally against the bible… yet why is that? why is the church so geared against it? Don Miller says its ignorance, and that I largely agree with, but its doubly so that there’s a lack of discipleship in the church. and we as Christians, me in particular, have so much farther to go to truly know Jesus. And — i don’t even mean that indepth intimacy between God and David, but even something simplistic as knowing God and being aware of him, praying and reading his word…

so what am i saying? what’s this lady to love? a bit of ‘bathed in romance’ (Davies)

That Lady whom I want to love is the Bride of Christ
That is -
As a servant to the God Almighty,
I will abide, to help out wherever needed to the best of my ability. To cook, and care, ‘feed the sheep’
As a friend I need to care for my friend’s bride, to support her, and give comfort/encouragement as best as i can.
As part of this body, the bride — in this romantic scene (God is the most romantic person ever!) I must love Him with all of my heart, and pledge my life to forever love and honour Him.

so there — I really gotta learn to love the people whom the ‘church’ has rejected/neglected I need to learn to be a true life disciple of Jesus and to go and embrace this darkness… i think, if we realy are to follow God we have to break through this cultural/psychological stubborness, cause really — they are our brothers and sisters as well.

simple theoretics… but…

James 1:25
But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it—he will be blessed in what he does.

thats my bit of splurge from reading/thinking i guess.

interesting… if i stay with Rogers and software upgrade i can get
Razr / Sony Ericsson S710a (Alex’s phone) / IPaq etc… WITH $50 credit…. haha beautiful.

more details on those phones here

ahh distractions — sleep time!