pearbox : undefined

*cheers*
Just wanted to wish a special Happy Birthday to Joeie and Olivia, and Becky !!
and an especially big Thank You to Joeie — for you know what hehe yayy!

*on a separate note–*
*special prayer request* - *for* Mavis, Humanities Exam tomorrow!


*Furthermore*
I really gotta start crunching on that essay thats due next friday along w/ the exam — went to the library and slept, so this weekend. Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday latest I really have to kill that off… and then start studying.

no more laziness, and reading everyone’s blogs
focus, dilligence, concentration, and fervent worship through academics.

+i really wanna post an blog entry about Consummation and Consideration… bla i’ll find time later to do that — meanwhilst i gotta get some rest and prep.

so many voices…
but i don’t know which one is God’s

consideration vs un-selfconscious worship/sharing vs pride & self deceit.

*truths discerned -*
I will not hide His work/gifts in my life.
if i do share — i mustn’t share with pride and flaunt His work/gifts.
- I have a burden/heartbreak for Aletheia
- I yearn to share what i’ve found with Aletheia

*truths stated*
-I have a say
-I musn’t be fearful
-I musn’t take what peopel say and make it what i want to hear.

> This third point confuses me.
i just keep second guessing myself –
sermons/sunday school/people warning me etc..
is He speaking? or am i twisting what they’re saying into some misconception?

*Self Reflection & Questioning..*
Is my desire to share — stemmed in humility/selflessness?
Are my desires pure and Holy? Annointed by His Spirit?
- I know he desires for our fellowship to turn to him in a much deeper way, but is it me to speak out? Arthur already has the general notions that God has been putting on my heart.

Many self doubts, questions, fears, and sadness–
i only find peace in His quiet place…
yet i am unable to discern with certainty.
more prayer, petition, listening, and waiting.

There is something I really really want to share on my blog, but i feel like I can’t just yet [I'll tell you if you really feel burdened to ask] — but inlight of that, the gift of intercession, the Daniel Fast, Passion Toronto, daily prayer meetings, and just really soaking in His presence and love — to the point where you’re just walking to your next class or to the library and your eyes just tear [water in the case for me] up — for no emotional reason at all, but the joy and peace of God in your heart..

Just wanted to write something thats been on my mind. I’ve just been thinking — y’know like all these God things are all so good, and to be so soaked and saturated in His Spirit, and Presence just really blows us away. But is this going to just be another emotional high? another TC where we go and get all “YAYYYY I LOVE YOU JESUS” at the top of our lungs and then sorta step off that spiritual plateau and crash back into daily life?

Because — if that is what it is, then by all means all this is done in vain — and Passion Toronto might as well not have come and spent all that money — cause their heart really isn’t to make us High, but to serve and minister/encourage us in our walk w/ Christ. [ref'n to Kat's (CCF) blog]

That is not to say that i’m against getting all emotional and energized about the gospel and worshipping God, more i want to echo as a reminder that — Passion Toronto is just another milestone to what great things are to come.

So as we re-enter our daily lives, the depressing winter chill, the long freezing waits at the bus stop, and tedious slow trips back home, the stacking tower of books and papers we need to finish — we gotta have discipline. Discipline to work at and build up, and go deeper and more intimate in our relationship with God.

I’ve really been challenged by this — and its hard (else it wouldn’t be ‘discipleship’ would it?). Because its good to have spiritual gifts, its good to be sensitive to Jesus, and do great things for him — but these are still secondary to Knowing Him. And we simply can’t live ‘christian’ lives without him — because we can give our bodies to be burned and everything — give our ‘all’ to the poor and it’d still be nothing, it’d be insignificant. we’d be just all be burnt out and spent. But rather we need to Love God — [1 Corinthians 13] and it is by His Power, by His outpour of His Spirit that we as vessels can carry His love to those around us who are dry and tryign to dig wells where there is no water.

We are broken, so that we can be filled - to be poured out upon those around us

I don’t know if you’ve been in a romantic relationship before, but here’s a little inspiration in the form of an analogy of just what this is about.

*yet another ‘romantic relationship’ analogy–*

*Physical Contact* - in a romantic relationship, we always hear (from the church) to keep ourselves pure and refrain from touching — why is that? in my experience, its because physical contact or the element of ‘touch’ affirms so much, in a romantic relationship it acts as a symbol of trust, affirmation, and the acknowledgement that there will be a future between the boy and the girl.

Sort of like how — when one is married the boy wouldnt’ want (and would get extremely jealous) the girl being touched by other guys. and the girl vice versa wouldn’t want guys touching her cause her body is reserved for the boy(her husband) alone.
[Yes - there are people who are more tactile or 'touchy' but even then there's a level of 'touchiness' that is reserved]

In a relationship there’s a sacredness to touch — and i dont’ know what anyone else might think — but when i first had ‘physical contact’ it was like whoa — emotionally you feel so attached, you feel so affirmed so close to that person — yet objectively speaking the mere act of ‘touching’ has no affect on how deep/strong that relationship is from before the touch, and after — its a emotional ‘feel’ but no more.

I guess what i’m trying to say is — i feel really challenged and affirmed in His presence, by His touch — yet really without discipleship, if i don’t discipline myself to continually pray, and seek Him/His heart and read the word

then this is all in vain — cause just like the foolish kid i was a few years ago who got so floored with his unrealistic romantics, i would only be living in the moment, and when the ‘novelty’ the infatuation and emotion dies down — i would have wasted my time in doing all that crazy stuff and it’d all be useless.

*1 Corinthians 13:8-13* [emphasis mine]
*Love never fails.*
But whether there are prophecies, *they will fail;*
whether there are tongues, *they will cease;*
whether there is knowledge, *it will vanish away.*

For we know in part and we prophesy in part. But when that which is perfect has come, then that which is in part will be done away.

When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man,

*I put away childish things.*

For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I shall know just as I also am known.

And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; *but the greatest of these is love.*

*You have a say.*

*The Cross, the blood of the lamb drives out fear - so Take Courage*

*Don’t take what people say wrongly.*

and man i shared w/ my mom tonight — and a rush of fear and sense of rejection just flooded me.

inside i’m scared. conservative church & what people might think.
but — thats not the point of this its to seek and know him more that i may be equipped for His Holy Service.

just really have to meditate on those things that God said today through Jesse.

cause man — its exactly that.

in the stillness, you are there.

many doubts, many fears.
but inside i know He’s given it to me.
*hugs God*

In lonliness, when there is no one to talk to — He bids us to listen.

Romans 8:35-39 NKJV
Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress or persecution, or famine, or nackedness, or peril or sword?
As it is written,”For Your sake we are killed all day long; We are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.”
Yet in all these things we are *more than conquerors through Him who loved us*. For i am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalties nor powers, nor things present or things to come. nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing shall be able to separate us from the *love* of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

All music, words, and emotion aside.

In the silence,listen for His voice.
In the quietness, rest in His presence
In the stillness, feel his hearbeat.
When all the busyness, and work is done away.
Let us be still, and rest in the beauty of His grace.

Seek Him. Love Him.

hms… I don’t know but i just can’t get this message thing out of my head… this Truth that God has revealed in my life, and has just put in my heart a desire to share and just tell people… I don’t know why, but i just feel this deep internal sadness, heartbreak really when i share and people shrug it off. I know its not my place to change people’s hearts or open their eyes to this revelation, but man — i inside i feel so strongly this sadness.. perhaps i’m totally wrong and totally off but this is what God is saying to me, and this is what i will write.

Scripture Reading: Romans 1:16-17 NKJV
The Just Live by Faith
For I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ, for it is the power of God to salvation for everyone who believes, for the Jew first and also for the Greek. For in it the righteousness of God is revealed from faith to faith; as it is written, “The just shall live by faith.”

My “Holy Discontentment” is this –
Most of us live our ‘christian lives’ digitally (that is split off into chunks), we’re caught up in this trend of doing doing doing and we fail to address what is most important, and what is the essence of our faith — a relationship with the Father, the Son, and the Spirit.

Yes - we love God, and we do all these things for Him yet we totally miss the point.

References
Read 1 Samuel 15
Story of Saul & Samuel - Sacrifice vs Obedience.
*verse 22* - But Samuel replied:”Does the LORD delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices as much as in obeying the voice of the LORD ? To obey is better than sacrifice, and to heed is better than the fat of rams.”

Read Luke 10:38-42
Story of Mary & Martha - Service vs Listening
*verse 39* - “She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. ”


Analogy
There’s this boy and this girl who are really in love. The boy, in love, naturally seeks out to do everything he can for his beloved. He hurries to hold doors, carry the girl’s books, brings an umbrella when it rains, and buy all these crazy exotic things for her. He’ is just so motivated by his love to do all these ‘great things’ for the girl. So here we are, the boy motivated by his love keeps doing all these different things. The girl see’s this and is touched, but all she wants is to have a relationship with this boy — so she tries to stop him saying “no its ok… i just want to –” the boy says “ok! i’ll do that” and rushes off to do something… leaving the girl trailing off “…talk..” the boy returns yet again with another artifact, the girl looks at the odd looking mushroom ‘if he’d just get me a flower’…

many times — just like the boy we get so caught up into doing this and that and we just totally miss the point. We get stuck on the whole ‘doing’ that we totally miss out that the one we love and are doing all these things for doesn’t really want this — He wants to have a relationship with us, and desires for us to do certain things — that he calls us to…. not to run around and try to do everything.

key: obedience.

When we believe in Jesus, when we become ‘Christians’ what does that mean really? I mean think about — compared to the next person on campus / school who is either a non-Christian, a muslim, or member of some other faith? What’s different about you? You go to church, serve on worship team, ushering, AV, participate in drama, go to fellowship, we do all these ‘christian’ things. and thats like fridays / sundays. but what about every other day? what sets us a part? ‘christian morals’ abstinance from premarital sex/drugs/drunkenness/swearing? hey people from all religions have those morals — so whats the difference really?

That we are dead to sin/ourselves and alive in Christ (Romans 6:10-12) and we can have a direct relationship with God.
but everyone who’s gone to sunday school knows that so what?

key: we are alive in the Christ/The Holy Spirit
That means we live with the Spirit.

The essence of that is — *life*

*Simple Fact* Life is analogue not digital. It isn’t cut off into small segments where we can “put off living” and pick it up after a while. Once you’re conceived, you are in essence ‘birthed’ into existance, Life, and life starts from that point and continues to your death, and to eternity which is timeless.

So then — what does that mean when we say we are alive in Jesus? What does it mean that we surrender our lives to God?
Does it not incorporate every second, every moment of time?
*It does!*

Then theology hits with reality and we ask — Why don’t i sense him all the time?

Looking into the Bible — throughout the Bible, God is always seeking a relationship with His people, Yes at times he hides himself, but that is only to build the relationship — that we can know and understand that he is with us despite the ‘physical reality’

*So then whats wrong?*

I feel a strong burden/urgency in my heart — and that is as christians we get caught up into doing all this stuff — and the rest of our lives become void of this passion cause we don’t feel God elsewhere, we don’t sense him — we aren’t *conscious* of his presence. He’s there — we know that in our minds, we just aren’t *actively* seeking Him and his will.

As Christians we are caught up into all this doing.
But God *doesn’t* want you to do all this stuff. He *doesn’t* want you to give all your time/money/heart into serving Him.

*NO* That’s not where His heart is — His heart is on us — he wants a *relationship* with us.

Our actions of service are merely the fruits(results) / vehicles(expressions) of our affection/responce to Him.

And for the most part — we’ve got that all wrong. We think that by doing all this stuff we can get close to Him. Furthermore, our service dries up — as it is unannointed, and our passion quickly resides… leaving a dry and empty action.

In light of everything that’s been happening in my life, I feel that the Spirit is really just putting this message on my heart — cause we *know* in our minds that Jesus doesn’t want lukewarm/sunday&friday Christians. we know/rebuke those people who live two different lives.

Yet — how have we become so callous and apathetic to His presence, that we don’t listen to his voice, let alone the many tugs and pushes he makes on us? Our God is a living God and He is alive and actively working in each one of our hearts.

*So won’t we listen? won’t we respond?*

The Spirit has challenged me to actively listen and obey His Will, to declare each day a day for Jesus. And to actively seek his heart, looking & sensing where he wants me to serve, where he wants me to listen, to be silent, to pray, or to declare His name — and man He has just been soo faithful, pouring out His Spirit on every part of my life!

*Quote*
“If the world is sane, then Jesus is mad as a hatter and the Last Supper is the Mad Tea Party. There is no such thing as your own business. The world says, Follow the wisest course and be a success, and Jesus says, Follow me and be crucified. The world says, Drive carefully – the life you save may be your own – and Jesus says, Whoever would and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. The world says, Law and order, and Jesus says, Love. The world says, Get, and Jesus says, Give. In terms of the world’s sanity, Jesus is crazy as a coot, and anybody who thinks he can follow him without being a little crazy too is laboring less under the cross than under a delusion. “We are fools for the faith that ultimately the foolishness of God is wiser than the wisdom of men, the lunacy of Jesus saner than the grim sanity of the world.” — Frederick Buechner

Yes — the world will think we’re crazy, point and ridicule us, but are we to continue to conform to ‘living our private lives’ or are we to truely live in the Spirit, in Jesus, and in the Father?

Do you dare to seek His heart?
To live your faith actively and stand apart from comfort & conformity?
*And to be a part of His Revolution?*

Here I Am For You
Steve Fee

Can I sit with You awhile
Can You hold me I’m Your child
Can I come to You with words so few and rest inside Your arms
Can I sit with You awhile

Can I listen to Your heart
Can I feel it beat with mine
I’ve come to love the way You cover me with who You are
Can I listen to Your heart

What better friend what better father
No greater King no other Savior
My only God, a perfect lover
Here I am for You

Nathan and Lianne
awww

Just wanted to wish my beloved little sister a great big *Happy Birthday* on her 8th Birthday!

*smiles* so many fun memories Lianne!
back when i was 10, i cried cause you were about to enter my life.
But now when i look back at all that we’ve been through, despite you being 10 years 6 months and 14 days younger than me, you’ve been that warm comfort when i was in midst of heartbreak, you were there to share my childish and vain dreams, to smile and laugh at my lame jokes, there to poke and chase me around the house when i was feeling mo liu, and there to sing “In His Time” in the midst of crisis, following me, your brother — a crazy lil 15 year old accross the Pacific Ocean and accross the American border..

You’re still young… but wow you’ve grown so much! And taken my challenge to read grotesquely large books so you can be geeky like me haha! hope you like The Hobbit!

I love you Lianne!
*hugs* wish you have a really really super year!
and hey, i know you’re not at that point yet, but if you ever need to talk to me about anything, i am here for ya
+thanks for always praying for me at night you’re so teeem!

Would just like to let you know that i’ve just implemented Gravatars into the site.

Gravatars is a clipping for Globally Recognized Avatars. That being said, its basically the same thing you see when you comment in blogspot / livejournal / xanga — that mini ikon that represents your identity.

What’s different with Gravatars is that it is matched to your email, so when you comment in sites made with TextPattern (this one) / WordPress or any of the other Open Source Blogs / Journal things with Gravatars implemented you will still have your trusty ikon with you!

pretty neat huh?

if you don’t have a gravatar account yet, you can hop over to gravatar.com and get your free Account :p