pearbox : undefined

*smiles* so happy man! Aletheia! God has just been reopening my eyes to what’s there, showing me the hope / faith that he still has — to just see past the physical reality, and see once again the potential.

Had a really good talk / time of prayer with Dan tonight, and i’m just so glad that we both have a burden on the misalignment at Aletheia.

Program tonight, was pretty good a great change from the stuff i’ve been being upset about — perhaps its the new insight or burdens that God has been pushing me towards but *smiles* edification, unity, much more mature and serious about the Word. Still got a long way to go but God is working and moving so just a matter of time.

Awe… I am simply in awe… this is my 4th of 5th time trying to write this…. but i am just so swamped so washed over with His presence, so in love…. This ‘overconsciousness’ of God that just captivates me… and inside me just resonates with my being…. and i just yearn and yearn to just be with Jesus, to follow the Father’s will and just be wholly ecompassed by The Spirit.

He’s just been so awesome these past few days, so amazing, so faithful and patient with this child of his. Jesus has just been revealing him in so many ways and i’m just “floored” as Joeie was describing the feeling…. like… wow just want to live and love him actively.. to no longer be stuck in this ‘christian living’ but to actively life my life as a disciple for him…

i guess to carry on from my little sunday write up, since starting the daniel fast and just getting away from everything — just focusing on Him and really getting close & tight w/ His Word. He’s challenged me as i was saying to keep him in the forefront of my mind… to always seek ways to get closer to him and love and serve the people he brings nearby…

and just — i was just blown away yesterday… for just imparting in my heart, and providing at my hand someone i could serve so out of the ordinarly and despite not having the adequate langauge to fully communicate — God just touched on my heart to love this person and go the extra mile. That despite the weather, despite everything that i am called to be a servant, and to care for those the world rejects, but Jesus loves.

today God just manifested himself, revealing something a gift thats come to me, yet i haven’t fully recognized before. the spiritual gift of intercession — just His Spirit touching on my heart all these things all these burdens that i wouldnt’ hae otherwise known. The stray thought of a particular issue or thing that hits me and my spirit just yearns to pray for — and He has just been so faithful and shown that my prayers are active and His Spirit truly is living with me…. confirmation after confirmation, prayer meeting yesterday, prayer meeting today, CCF sharing and all just wow… God is speaking so loudly and man i am jsut so excited so in love… just drenched in His love.

in midst of the excitement and depth of Romance that God has been showering upon me… there’s this overbearing presence that i feel… this desire this unexpressable awe & love that i want to just embrace God with. the issue of tongues has come up and man i really desire some way to overcome my language barrier not just to man but to just express my responce to His surpassing love…. tongues seem so appealing so desirable right now… yet inside i am so fearful i am just trembling because everything for me is just so new — never ever felt this much love consuming me so much love just being poured out…. and i’m really fearful i guess — cause my spirit knows this whole thing with ‘tongues’ is so readily accessible so available cause His Spirit is just so powerful. but inside i dont’ want to desire these spiritual gifts — i want to seek and hunger and know Him more and more and more, and just be fully enveloped.

I just want to shout it from teh mountain top and just live out that God I love You and just want you to manifest yourself in me so many times over!

but yah… i really need to be still and quiet myself down before God right now…. the tongues thing… i think i’m just going to wait, pray and seek his word in 1 Corinthians 12-14 and around there…. I mean if He wants to unwrap another gift, he won’t let me go on and keep it unwrapped right? just like when we give our dearest friends birthday gifts and what not — we can’t wait to get them to open it, and in teh same way teh spirit is with us… he calls us to come, to humble ourselves to enter his embrace that he can unwrap his gifts for us…..

*hugs* God *tears*
i am just so humbled inside right nwo i want to cry….
– “His overflow in you is a flood over me.”

In light of all thats been happening this past week, this Sunday’s sermon, Sunday School, CCF announcement…

Today Dan did a sermon on passion, the title was Dare You To Move, and we basically listened to the song, and Dan gave Biblical reference as to the meaning / relevence, Galatians 5:16-26 . And wow during the sermon just reflecting on the lyrics what he was saying… I just knew this was what God was saying.. So here’s the lyrics, and i’ll share my own little take on it.. (in bold)

*Dare You To Move*
Switchfoot - Beautiful Let Down
http://www.air1.com/music/chart/lyrics.asp?2246

Welcome to the planet
Welcome to existence
Everyone’s here
Everybody’s watching you now
Everybody’s waits for you now
What happens next?
*God’s beckoning us to obey, to follow and step out in faith, and heck we’re really self conscious of what people think of us, and we might seem like total losers, and even if we shy a way and don’t do nothing ‘no one notices’ but — as children of God, representing the light — the only source of hope left in the world we’re testifying to anyone & everyone of what a child of God is like. We’re the ones to make a difference*

I dare you to move
I dare you to life yourself up off the floor *Again, like last week, my struggles of belittling myself as a froshie and as a Christian who isn’t always fully intune w/ God or understanding His Word, but hey like Joeie was saying we’re children of God! sure we’re nothing by ourselves by with the Spirit we are Conquerors! Who are we? not to be outstanding, and the ONES to step fourth and make a stand for our faith?*
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened before
*God’s working in a new way involving you — yes your person, your strengths, weaknesses, personality, everything in His plan at this time for a purpose — its a “revolution” like no other*

Welcome to the fallout
Welcome to resistance
*Countering all the world tells us! Against the petty excuses of self consciousness, belittlement, and comfort — going against all the world holds in esteem to obey our God*
The tension is here
Between who you are and who you could be
Between how it is and how it should be
*complacent[selfishness/apathy] vs compassion, living by sight.. day to day whatever ‘life’ deals you vs living by faith, empowered by The Spirit to overcome all immorality all discomfort — everything and to just live actively with/for Him*

Maybe redemption has stories to tell
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
*Yes failure/temptations will get in the way and are probably inevitable at some point but hey — God loves to work through those who are ridiculed, people who have fallen and the world rejects — he loves!! so let our lives, our brokenness, failures paint the backdrop as He takes control and uses us, and our story to show His Love*
Where can you run to escape from yourself?
Where you gonna go?
Where you gonna go?
Salvation is here

Sunday School — PostModern Christianity | Joan of Arc 1st season, it hit me during discussion that yes the show is kinda messed up cause NO ONE on this earth can see God face to face, in which he particularly tells us to do things and reveals to us what happens… its unheard of, yet at the same time this ‘phenomenom’ isn’t so novel — i mean as Christians ourselves who have the Holy Spirit living in & with us — we have Bible, His direct words, his guiding and whispering to us; if we know God personally, we can feel his hearbeat, we can see that spiritual reality, we can observe that which the world rejects and love — we pretty much experience what Joan experiences — sure its kinda crazy that God would go tell her to go to the dance with some ‘deranged’ misunderstood guy but hey as Christians living in reality with the TRUE God (not some actor) i think we can do that just as well if not better!

York | Fast | Passion 05 Toronto
York/CCF/God’s Direction - Momentum 05
York/CCF - DANIELFAST

Let The Spirit Storm the Gates of York, the Gates of Toronto and All Campuses - the World

– dare to open our eyes to reality, dare to live faith actively in patience and anticipation of God’s voice/beckoning.

In the resonance of this site’s theme/purpose
*I dare* — do you?
~>this is really intimidating/scary — ha i’m pretty unerved about tomorrow/this week but hey God is faithful & loving.. and guess we just need to trust in Him.

hms that was pretty interesting, i just picked up my violin which i haven’t seriously played for 3 years (because i couldn’t get it tuned — thank you Linux/OpenSource Software & onboard microphones), and from then since i put it down way back in grade 9, a good 4 years — going from a needing quartersized violin to probably a whole size now…. but still using the quarter… fingers cramped… hurt pretty more than my guitar :p

but ha that was awesomeness, just how all tacit violin ’skills’ came flowing back again, and most of them crazy fast songs still in my memory so i was half sight reading and half reciting it.

but *MOST* awesome was definately just playing along side my sister (on the piano) who is 10 years younger than me, and just helping her along her practicing and then playing a few children worshp songs.

haha that rocked
ah musique the beautiful art which is pure interest raw love
sans the discipline / natural talant to suceed… funs.

Hi There!
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Another *fun* site announcement!

if anyone has noticed — the guestbook link in the top right corner has now been renamed to ‘guestblock’ and if you click it, it’ll bring you to a pretty little guestbook thing, where you can type in your comments and write a message — AND pick a block to stack up on my ‘guestblock’ its pretty neat.

One note tho - There’s a lil problem if you open it in Internet Explorer — the dates sorta scroll with the rest of the page sorta ‘floating’ so..
*plug* getFireFox!

wells have fun!

*cheers*

an internal sadness resides in my soul
tears that brim without an end..
a cold touch, a cold shoulder, it seems lost and far over
a loss of love, there is no passion
just a word of ‘dear god’ and ‘amen’

I really want Jesus to be in aletheia…
i’m just really saddened and humbled as to what we’ve turned to.
my heart aches for Jesus to come back
for us to open the door and welcome him.

i’m sad and in wonder if anyone shares my pain.
that feeling of desolation, destitute, lonliness
a coldness which chills your spirit,
and lays safe in the wondrous bounds of mediocrity
the tight grasp of comfort, and fun ‘chill out’
i wonder when we shall awaken…
to take open our eyes and see whats been left undone.

to begin dreaming again,
striving and pushing beyond what we are.
to grow — spiritually and not stay static.
to change, to see, to move; instead of resting in a silent null of nothingness.

I have a confession to make…

Well this & the past week, if you haven’t read my blog there’s been a lot of talk about really jumping into things with God — really stepping out and doing something great for Him. A lot of talk about trusting in him wholeheartedly — connecting with Him, and obeying him…

even amidst friends/small group thats been the talk to really obey Him to look past our own comfort zones, risk of feeling like an idiot/ridiculed…

It was like God was speaking loudly ever so loudly through everything…

and yet — i failed him today.

I remember praying this morning, dedicating my day at York for Him, praying that he would give me some oppertunity in which he’d let me know his will and push me towards the situation, and let me take a step of faith and obey…

yet i doubted, hesitated — and lost my chance.
I got another chance but… it was already kinda past that time…. and i lost and fell…. and like a shamed little person retreated into saftey’s way.

Basically after about 12:00 PM i decided i’d swing by the office and see if there was anyone there who wasn’t in frosh cell, the door was closed as usual so i just continued along and headed into the Ross building… went upstairs to the 4th floor and walked to class — in my peripheral there were these two guys talking about the Bible… and how interesting the Gospels were — they were talking in a strictly academic sense — third/fourth years i think, so inside my heart lept and felt :O maybe God wants me to talk to them — so i dropped my stuff in teh class room took the lunch and sat next to them on the bench and sorta listened in…. 3 times God beckoned me to interrupt…

1. Trinity — they thought it was ’sequential’ and logically flawed when — like Herman explained that bible study months ago (really good analogy) was like how we’re built in God’s image — so we’re built up of 3 parts too, our body/soul/mind. Which of course parallels Jesus (body) / Spirit (soul) / Father (mind)…
2. Revelations — only Jews get into Heaven — gentiles don’t [ref'n to Revelations], i didn’t know too much about revelations — doubted and the conversation quickly escaped thsi topic… :\
3. Paul / Peter hating each other because Peter ate pork (non-Kosher) for ‘fun’ [ref - rebuke] and i wanted to listen to what they were saying… and when i was about to make a point they sorta swirved and took that point except in different light
talking about how the gospels were sorta contradictory but they are only seen as ‘united’ because of interpretation…

I was about to poke in again, but i felt little… a wee lil froshie interrupting these guys in their great big sociohistorical debate on the Bible… and tho i’ve been a Christian for so long, my biblical knowledge off hand is fairly wealk… :\ don’t Know Him enough…

time clicked 12:30, Alvin came and i sorta cowered feigning i was waiting for him and went to class….

After class — i wondered if they were still there and wanted to stop and talk… but then since they were on a totally different topic by then… i sorta just skipped out of ti :\ darn..

i hate it — letting the ‘identity’ of a “lil froshie” unpower me, and belittle my status — which is totally messed up cause thats not what i should be founding my identity on… And being a nice and polite doens’t get me anywhere — its just the manifestation of a callous, doubtful, selfforcussed heart… and my own segregation as a froshie… darn wish i’d be more open and less ‘nice’ and just break this ‘box’ of froshieness (1 Timothy 4:12
Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.)

cause really who am i to keep anything from God? what do i have to lose to these people? what? my pride? my self-esteem? no… nothing, but by not talking i’m in away keeping an oppertunity for them to know Jesus & salvation — in all essence damning them to hell. like who do i think i am? >.<

I guess there’s no point in swallowing loads of guilt… I know that, but i’m upset at myself at the sametime… like Kat [CCF] said about how we need to really get into the Word, and into the whole movement cause when God beckons, if we aren’t into it we’d just get left behind.

*Unity Worship* — tonight was interesting… uniting all 9 or so fellowships at York for a time to just Praise God as ONE BODY and see whats going on campus.

saw Ellen from Yorkland, and got to talk to her which was cool, prayed w/ Jireh & Joeie, and i guess just worshipped God… sorta like that dream i talked about a whilst back — i really feel my heart yearning and hungering for that deep Passion & intimacy with God, wanthing Him to just flood out His spirit on Campus… wanting to be an instrument in that great & awesome establishment of his throne.

yet — i am so unequipped, so unprepared…. so doubtful.

but during worship, i guess similar to Joeie’s sharing thing felt him just call me to bow and worship on my knees… doubts and self consciousness sorta rushing through me — but hey “I don’t care what you think” right?

*sighs* still learning to obey… singing Trading my Sorrows, and just the whole Yes Lord stream — a proclamation of obediance… and yet why is it that we’re so slow to carry out even when in our hearts / mind we yell out YES Lord!
its odd & callous — sorta like how i’ve sung Trading My Sorrows since grade 8 or so, yet its not until 6 years later that i realize just what “Yes Lord” actually signifies and means… *sighs*

Sorry God.
Sorry guys — I’ve failed to obey and live up to His Calling today :\

I just hope that’d you keep His Word/Sovereignty in mind that you won’t doubt and hesitate when you feel that prodding in your heart..

Like Ross [STM Nashville 2003] said - “if you ever feel God telling you to do something, don’t think just do it”

so bleh — guess another reminder & step to take on my road to discipleship…

midweek reflection… monday, tuesday, and the beginning of wednesday was pretty dry and drainish, kinda dissention, unmotivated, tired and unable to break that ‘empty boundary’ the separates you from God sometimes… in the bus just pawing at the words in Romans, sort of wondering… what God is saying, and who God is from these principles / ideas… digging through the morphemes, the inflextional phrases, wondering where? who? what??

sorta just scratching surface—
not much inspiration, tired just falling to sleepyheadness and waking up in front of Vari Hall, and stumbling off the bus either to the library or over to Vari Hall Lecture A

kinda demeaning….

Monday we had Frosh Cell Group which was pretty inspiring to start off the week, bible study and just looking at how God is seeking a relationship with us… and yet we always seem so far away and despite him leaning forward (Michaelangelo) to as far as he can go, we’re just sorta just leaning back with our finger down— sure we can search all we want yet we gotta look in the right place…

sorta like me reading the Bible… and finding it dry and mind boggling and turning to try to pray and falling asleep cause of exhaustion (mental note sleep earlier!!)

Tuesday was just a mess cause well exhaustion, 3 hours in the library, and then just slacking off in the CCF office, and off to class…. got home got kinda ugh w/ dad/mom [ugh moodyness - mix of exhaustion, impatience, and lots of self absorbtion -- yuckiness]

Wednesday — today kinda lonely like most wednesdays are, went to class - Linguistisc! haha i love that class desptie my recent poor mark on the quiz — reminds me of Grade 4-7 when i was diagraming sentences in those American Textbooks… and just read Death of Women Wang — which for the most part has nothing to do w/ Woman Wang [part which i need for my essay] went to work out… cardio & weights… yes much needed exercise :p and went back to the open locker area to find that my bag was stuck in some other person’s locker — the strap was sorta hanging out before and someone closed & locked the locker, and i couldn’t pull it out casue its one of those Swiss bags w/ big chunks of extra plastic :p — so ended up waiting for 30 or so minutes before grabbing a hotdog and rushing over to prayer meeting — which i can only say was awesome! so much passion and fire, and total love that is fueled with that unchanging awe of romance for God! such fire! i want that fire too!! CCF tonight was awesome too, new small groups and just lots of insightful sharing — inspired me to withdraw from the Christmas Production thing

haha but moreover i think God was speaking about focusing more on him, instead of being sidetrack w/ being insufficient, inadequate, and to really take hold of life and hang on whilst he takes the controls and shifts to overdrive
Perry - you gotta grow up, and break past your childish excentricities… and delusionous crazyness :p

ladi da — 12, i’m gonna sleep after a bit of ‘recreational (blog) reading’ good night.

I had two dreams last night, each of which telling me i was too raw… i had the heart, i had the potential… but was like rough metal… not refined yet to be used for my Master’s will yet…

The first dream — i found myself studying in a library and trying to get up but finding my legs really weak and hurting almost unable move… so then i dragged myself onto the bus and home. and somehow got a wheelchair, and saw myself wheeling up the side of the the Scott building — the ramp on the southside to get to the CCF office… and wanting to serve but finding that i had not matured enough

Second dream — I was in some sort of homey building and I was talking to someone — a teacher? about my aspirations and what God had been doing in my life — and he sort of cut me off and said i wasn’t ready — i was still raw….

so…. what does this mean? two dreams? intwining the same ideas…. is it just my iridescent dreaming, a cast of demoralization from the devil? or God’s quiet proddings….

probably not the most latter — since its in my brokenness / weakness that God can use me, and yet i know there is truth in the content of the dream… the lack of discipleship — truely knowing him leaves me out in teh cold and unable to sense his hearbeat and where/what he wants to do….

so what…

irrevelent note — a flood of fire, a quiet fleeing into the night.