Here’s a little testimony I’ve been wanting to share for the past while, but haven’t because I’m really self conscious and critical about myself. I guess… as I share this i just have this deep fear that you or people will take it wrongly and think that I’m boasting that ‘oh perry is so super spiritual’ or ‘oh i don’t really believe in that…’ etc… And for myself, I really don’t want this little write up to be for myself – to glorify me, but rather it’d be a testimony about what God has been doing in my life – All Glory to Him. So I guess before reading… I just ask that you would keep this in mind, and whether you agree or disagree, I just want to share with you whats been happening, the joy and fervor I’ve found in my spiritual walk.
I guess to start off, this summer before university started – I was in a real rut, a really really deep spiritual valley in which I just couldn’t sense God at all. My devotion time was minimal if existent at all… just really really dry times with God. I pray… talk about my worries, sorta drone on don’t really have much to say… I flip open my Bible and i read a small excerpt…. well more like skim over a small except don’t really feel inspired put my bible down and off to my computer or whatever else I feel like doing… At church I was still pretty active doing random little things here and there — though quickly withdrawing cause inside I’m like whats the use of serving if my relationship with God isn’t even ‘good’ or proper… like I can’t even feel His light, I can’t sense him at all — its just me, my bible and silence… my spiritual or ‘christian’ life just wasn’t happening… and at the end of the summer I was just really flustered / frustrated y’know? And for me there was just this break – from my theology [spiritual understanding / Sunday school upbringing], like on one hand you know that God is real, Jesus loves you and everything – yet you look at your life and man its so dead and dry… like what’s up with that y’know? For me… I didn’t really have an answer, and people at church just told me to keep listening and praying y’know like “God hides himself only to reveal himself” and what not… that’s all good and dandy… but loneliness is already hard enough much less loneliness from God, cause the whole world just seems a total mass of bleak mist… and you find yourself wandering directionless and sorta just swimming in mire trying to find that one light – that brings you home to God.I suppose through my massive frustrations with serving at church (my lack of relationship with God made serving a really heavy burden) and my own struggles/theorizing I came to the simple fact that my faith was pretty dry and ‘fake’ in that it made little if any effect on my life… Moreover I began thinking about this estranged concept of discipleship that people hear about here and there at church… and I guess the more I thought about it the more it grew on me… I wanted it… bit i had no idea what it truly meant, like how do you ‘undergo’ discipleship? Do you read your Bible lots? What is it? So lost…
And as summer break finally rolled to a halt, and university transitioned in; spiritually, things got slightly better… I sorta got out of my drought of having absolutely no sense of God whatsoever… tho my devos were still pretty dry and I just couldn’t scratch past the top layer of reading it like a textbook /storybook. Coming into CCF and finding about the theme which is something of a marriage between community and discipleship with the verse:
“Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with God’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality.”
Romans 12:9-13 NIV
really inspired me, cause it was like the two things that I really wanted, like discipleship and people I can share / ask / do whatever with. Like double win I guess.
So I dunno, starting CCF, and joining frosh cell and getting to know a few people better, everything just started picking up. You might remember a whilst back when people were talking about the book Blue Like Jazz and how a ‘good book’ it was and everything. After a month or so after that died down i ended up getting that book and reading it – and at first I’m like… this book is so simplistic (easy read, but sorta superficial) but then as I continued on and combined it with devos, just felt God talking and inspiring me – moving me to rethink spirituality again…. my ‘christianity’ that was in essence dead and inactive… yet discipleship once again that element of ‘life’ sparking y’know? Passion.
Moving along, November came around and we had CCF retreat at NTCAC [North Toronto Chinese Alliance Church] and going into that I didn’t really have much to expect… I still barely knew anyone too well and still don’t exactly do… and sorta fearful cause I’m an introvert who doesn’t really know what to say unless and most usually what happens is I just get caught up in awkward silences. I just went and hoped for the best… and like man I didn’t really get too much out of it…well not directly. Prayer / sharing / message were nice and relaxing – getting away from the worries of school / church.. just time to relax, but nothing too spiritually inspiring that caught my attention, the people however… there was so much love, like some one would sorta wander by themselves and another would go shortly after to talk… certain people would go talk to those who were lonely and sorta shy (like me heh.) and in the kitchen just how it says that its by our love to one another that people know that we are Christ’s disciples (John 13:35). All the while inside, I’m seeing this passion, this love, this community and thinking back to grade 11 when i was on planning committee and I’m like thats like what I’d have done.. but now its like I’m some empty shell or something, dry and desolate. So out of retreat I felt God was stirring in me letting me know that ‘perry its time to stop living a complacent (indifferent) lifestyle and to actively live out my faith.’
Following retreat, we had a frosh cell group bible study that involved Michelangelo’s Adam (that painting with Adam reclining and God stretching out as far as he can with a little space between their fingers). This particular Bible study really inspired me cause like that’s like how my faith was. I was sorta like ‘meh’ to God – looking at him and everything i got my ‘ticket to heaven’ and thats all, not much of a relationship, no transformation let alone difference to what a non-Christian would live like… like sure I did ‘church stuff’ serving in AV/fellowship treasurer, and i can fill up my resume with different things I’ve passionately done for church… but what difference does it make? Like the whole idea between Mary and Martha – acting and serving doing all these things but missing the main point relationship. So from this we had that Bible Study where we got a lil red bracelet to remind us that God wants us to have a relationship with Him. For me it reminded me to ‘reach out’ and know him… to actively seek him sorta… like over the past while after some break up in a relationship, I’ve always had this idea of being romanced in God’s love – like when you’re in love to wake up everyday and think of that person and in class and what not to think about that person and when you’re next gonna meet and everything all smiles and cheer. But like I wanted to have that with God – cause he’s so much greater than that relationship… but for me I just didn’t ‘feel it’ you can force something but w/o passion or sincerity… y’know it just doesn’t go anywhere it becomes obligation, legalistic meaningless actions.
So through that week, I just felt really challenged to seek Him out, to listen and to obey. On Thursday I was walking to my Humanities Lab and I heard these two guys talking about the Bible and discussing how its flawed and Christianity is this and that – y’know those academic discussions, and I was like hey maybe I can share and talk about stuff since their idea/interpretation of the Bible was sorta in the ‘academic sense’ and arguably skewed.. and short story short I chickened out and out of the few times I thought I could talk fear set in and i ended up leaving… I shared that with my small group and one of my closer friends at CCF and they spurred me on in my pursuit of discipleship like i gotta be firm in the word if I really want to make a difference, not only that but as the Holy Spirit speaks we gotta listen and obey and take hold of that opportunity, and more i needn’t be discouraged / fearful because in God I am more than a conqueror (Romans 8:35-39).
Weeks past, the 10 days leading up to Passion, and I started going to prayer meetings in the morning at Bethune and what not, and its weird… usually you think of prayer meetings as “Get into groups of 3’s or so and you just share whats ‘going on’ and pray about it.” But at those prayer meetings there was like deeper sharing and or just praying and God’s presence was just like hovering above… and i don’t know doing the Daniel Fast [Fast w/ just fruits and vegetables for 10 days leading up to Passion] God revealed himself in so many ways.
My prayer at the beginning was be in His Romance as I mentioned above and to just keep Him at the very forefront of my mind at all times. My conviction or “Holy Discontentment” as Kat put it, that the Holy Spirit had put on my heart was like how come despite our faith, our believing in Christ and doing all these ‘Christian’ things (e.g. Going to church/fellowship/serving/devos) and all many of us are not all that much better to the next student in lecture or in the hallway. As ‘Christians’ we only do those ‘Christian’ things or maybe hold particular values like no premarital sex or no excessive drinking or drugs but like there are muslims and other religions who have similar if not stricter ‘values’ or ‘morals.’ And like really… if our faith – Christianity is the ONE TRUE FAITH, then shouldn’t there be something different to us? Shouldn’t we live the difference? Moreover, if everything we’ve learned in Sunday/fellowship is true about how God loves us, and died for us to have a relationship with Him… then why is it that we don’t sense / feel God all the time? Isn’t he all loving and omnipresent, isn’t His Spirit living within us right now? And if our God desires to have a relationship with us so much to the point of death, and death of a cross then wouldn’t he be speaking to us right now? But we don’t hear… Thats when that image from frosh cell, Michelangelo’s Adam hit – maybe we just aren’t listening, just not seeking / anticipating His Holy Spirit? (sorta like that romance idea)
And through this paradigm shift… to actively seek Him at every moment of my day, things started happening like the Holy Spirit started moving in me… Arguably this would what Alliance (C&MA – Christian & Missionary Alliance) theology would call the ’second baptism of the spirit [tho that's arguable]. But like just so much happened and I’m just so in awe.
*The Gift of Intercession* – On Tuesday of the Daniel Fast I just had this day where i was just really overwhelmed by God’s presence, sorta like :O so in awe, and i just really wanted to express the joy / love i felt but no words came nothing, I couldn’t blog [pearbox.net] I couldn’t express it – so i was just wandering around the house praying out loud (I find that helps sometimes – talking to God like he was anyone of my best friends just chatting with him), and I dunno, its weird, but things just started coming to mind to pray for – sorta like when you chat w/ a friend where thoughts just flow seamlessly into conversation and God was bringing people / things to mind for me to pray for… and more awesome was that God was confirming those prayer items with me, different small things like people saying my prayers was what was on their hearts, or they were just going through something the night before when I was praying for that particular thing, and then another confirmation from one of my brothers whom tho I didn’t really particularly share elaborately came up to me and said i had the gift of intercession? I’m going this by faith, I guess you could argue it was a series of coincidences but… to me it was God moving…
*The Gift of Tongues* – So anyways, I was sharing my feeling of inexpressible joy/love to one of my closer friends, and we were talking about tongues and I got like all excited haha maybe thats what I need some sort of ’spirit language’ but then I felt a deep conviction in myself and I was like what do I need tongues for? Y’know? God’s already moving so obviously and His involvement in life is just exploding what else could I want? So just pondering on this i felt kinda distracted by the whole thing and felt God beckoning to just be quiet and surrender that desire up to Him whether it be my own will or His – that he’d take care of it, I just had to trust in Him. So I did that and lifted it up to him in surrender… and on Tuesday (Passion Tuesday, Nov. 22) I went to prayer meeting and shared my resolve and they were like ‘do you want it [tongues]‘ and I’m like I’ve been struggling about seeking my heart so I’ve just been thinking like God if you want me to have it then You’ll insist that I have it, else I’m not gonna go out of my way to desire and seek it. So we were just talking about the gift of intercession thing, and one of my friends brought up the good point of how the Gift of Tongues is sort of intertwined with intercession, sorta like how a preacher has to have the gift of teaching as well as the gift of preaching. A prayer warrior needs the gift of tongues so that the Holy Spirit would pray on behalf of us and through intercession we can understand what to pray for. So after a bit of discussion about how are to enhance and deepen our walk with God, i was like alright sure whatever God – I’m gonna take this step of faith and if you want to give it to me then go for it. So we prayed…. and after a while one of them said I had it… I was like ok… I don’t feel anything different or anything (not an emotional thing) but during the praying i was just trembling in the presence of God… like i’ve felt that kind of trembling only once before and that was during some worship thing… but its like ahhh i can’t keep still shaking shaking…
+Side note – speaking in tongues doesn’t make me super spiritual or ‘more special’ or some sort of thing kind of freak, for all i know I’m still the same Perry before and after that (with the exception that I feel awe-inspired of Him) but basically if you wanna know more about the whole tongues deali check out 1 Corinthians 12-14, its not that really such an extravagant or ‘rare’ gift – just for conservative churches we don’t speak talk much about the Spirit and consequently those particular gifts.
But like yeah – I was feeling pretty doubtful like sure she said I had the gift, and by faith i knew i did but I didn’t feel any different, nor could i really talk in tongues or anything…. so i was like meh, whatever – all to God anyways right? That night at Passion tho i was feeling God calling me to be quiet at the beginning and — i wanted to just be silent and not be swept in all the hype and what not so i just stood quietly and was during worship I felt God ‘whisper’ to just let go and worship Him. And i began speaking in tongues?
But yah… in midst of the spiritual gifts — God has just been really awe-inspiring lately moving within me when I’m doing work, on the bus and stuff… making me tear up in His presence to draw me closer to him, and after come back to school and now work in the winter he’s really taught me what this whole ‘discipleship’ dealy is about.
My take on discipleship right now is that – its relationship, its the discipline to work at your relationship with Christ. Like in midst of school/work how are we seeking him? How are we working in our relationship to talk more to him, to empathize with what he feels and to listen and obey to his beckoning? y’know? Serving / reading the Word is all good and everything, but even with the utmost discipline to read it everyday – without a relationship with God, that is alive and growing… everything is in vain. Our service becomes dry and heartless, church becomes boring and irreverent, quiet time with God is just talking to the ceiling and nothing really makes sense… but the joy I’ve found in Him like man it blows me away – I’ve been struggling with a particular ‘brand’ of lust for the last while, constantly fighting/trying to resists’ Satan’s temptations and everything and its impossible. Blank, Straight impossible like yah i can be free for a week or two three weeks max but then i just crash and burn…. but like it says … those who walk in the Spirit will not fulfill the lusts of the flesh. More tho the relationship with Christ just blows me away…
so yah thats my bit of write up… hope it inspires you in your walk with Christ cause man, He IS the ONE TRUE LIVING GOD who desires to have a relationship with you ~
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