characteristic fear..
again… further on my journey, on my walk on the road seeking discipleship… seeking a deeper relationship with Him… i’ve come against something thats ingrained deep within me… something that is intrinsic to my very being — my character…
I’m not sure if any of you are familiar with the enneagram model (the one used by a lot of jesuits to understand each person’s spirituality) but basically that psychological puts me as ‘6th type person’ and my ‘root sin’ — the sin that makes me stumble the most is *fear*
And right now I feel like I am struggling again with the issue of fear… coming up in a few days, December 31st to be exact, my church has a year end ‘thank you & testimony’ thing where there’s worship and an open forum to go up to the stage and thank God and give a lil testimony to everyone…
What’s sorta been on my mind for the last bit, as some of you know… is that yoo I really really want to share what God’s been doing in my life [see 'story time' post] to encourage people in their spirituality… to somehow find the passion & relationship with Christ to be more than just ‘ok’ and to realize there’s something more than doing all that ‘christian stuff.’ like y’know? [refer to 'holy discontentment post] I want to find this joy & excitement that i’ve found in God… not to glorify myself or to brag about my spiritual gifts (tho i won’t ommit that from my testimony) but to bear witness…
*but*
my fears cause me to question myself…
I’m scared that:
a) deep inside / during my sharing i might lose focus and start exagerating or shift my desire to honour God, and instead get a mix of motive to glorify myself
b) people will judge me… that they’ll get distracted by the tongues ordeal and get all caught up in that lil thing… If that happens, then it doesn’t edify the church, rather i become stumbling block to my brothers and sisters
c) I am not being true to God, that instead of living my life to ONE audiance — Him, I am letting the presuppositions, my assumptions and my complaisantcy [willingness to please / yeild to other's expectations] get in the way. Like, if I do / don’t speak… am I doing that because i don’t want to be embarressed / looked upon badly?
d) while I want to inspire/encourage and otherwise ‘rock the boat’ in that I desire for people to rethink their faith… that there might be something that we’re missing… I don’t want to ‘rock the boat’ and cause political uproar & backlash and all that yucky stuff that sometimes comes from throwing something unexpected at a bureaucratic / conservative environment. :\
*furthermore*
I go to an Alliance Church. and Historically, the C&MA [Christian & Missionary Alliance] has really really close ties with the charismatic/pentecostal movement. That is A. B. Simpson & ‘friends’ were deeply involved with the other leaders and had a great influence on how those leaders formed and so and so forth, so that shoudl be all dandy right? nope… rather by looking at the historical thing it seems a bit contraversal especially the issue of tongues and what not .. since the whole history behind why C&MA (an organization then) has become a ‘denomination’ is over that.. A. B. Simpson, founder signed all property of the organization to the “C&MA” so that if they did divide the organization would still remain intact… and now we have it… oh irony..
and man, i’ve had a conversation with Arthur [pastor] and confirmed with him all the theological stuff that he’s worried about, and i dunno i feel this sense of fear inside of me, like after my 2nd conversation with him last night he told me about that other stuff about not ‘focusing’ so much on it, and i’m not…. just bla worries y’know? like REALLY… thats totally an offshoot of what i’m trying to share… its not about tongues, its not even about what God can do in your life or whatever transformation… its not about being spiritual, heck you can be as spiritual as you want… and get no where… It’s about Jesus and having a relationship with Him. it grieves me… :\ all those things are fruits, they’re the mere vehicle of what happened, they might be labeled ‘gifts’ but really they’re the gift wrap… you see a gift wrapped box and you call it a gift — yet whats truly valueable is whats inside –
I’m scared… dude i can’t control anything, and being scared about it is worry but i don’t want my sharing to be about me, i don’t want it to be about tongues, or the gifts from God, cause thats totally off…. *sighs*
That thing that one of my brothers said that he felt God speaking to me “I have a say” does it apply here? I don’t know.. i’m still waiting, praying and seeking if this is the time he wants me to go and say it… i dunno…
sorta again… with the whole idea about being consummated or considerate… bla
*God speak.*