pearbox : undefined

so i finished the article, the other day and after that, it felt like this weight has been lifted off my shoulders — but i’m suddenly doused into this pond of doubt/fear, and the confidence/certainty in myself because i was talking/writing about what God had revealed to me sorta drips that last drop… and I’m just so in awe of Him, so uncertain of myself.

I’m guessing something like what Elijah or Peter experienced, when Elijah just overcame those thousands of false prophets and God brought fire from heaven to confirm Elijah. He then goes and boldy commands the people to seize the false prophets and baal and ’slaughters’ them. Not long after — Jezebel (the queen) sends a threat to Elijah, and what does he do? runs away –

Likewise, Peter — at the last supper, saying boldly that He wouldn’t betray Jesus, and boldly he draws his sword and cuts off the prests’ ear in defense of His Lord. yet when Jesus is taken away…. He denies Jesus 3 times….

like :O that zeal, that passion, its like it evaporates — leaving both men empty and desolate.

And I feel pretty similar i guess — like a polar flip, from utmost zeal and confidence to just silly little me.

But oh what a wonderful we have - God, Jesus, Holy Spirit its funny though, after writing the article…. and feeling utterly drained — basically wrote waht God has been pouring into me for the last half a year… and i suddenly feel pushed back and sorta like staring up into the dark night sky on some mountain somewhere (i’d imagine) that after working so zealously to get up to that mountain, we look up and all we can see is that wonderful, magnificant night sky — a dark deep infinite purple dotted with little lights twinkling in worship to an unfathomable God.

like just — *awe* after all thats said and done, feeling so charged in His outpour but there’s so much more! infinite majesty, infinite grace.

I’ve come a long way in knowing God, since starting school — but looking back it seems like nothing! NOTHING — nothing to that infinite expanse, that infinite depth to even beginning fathoming a mere notion of Jesus.

but like :O I want to go deeper! I want to know Jesus for who He is, i don’t want to be satisfied with a taste— like dude! He’s so much more, so much more that that my finite ‘relationship’ model i’ve come to understand Him through is nothing, its shattered broken inadequate.

funny tho — His only desire is to love us, for us to be *with* Him.

I feel like a baby Christian, really… I feel like dude, all my ‘knowing’ of Jesus all those years since i ‘accepted’ back when i was 8, till i ‘actively accepted’ in grade 8, and that endrenching ‘baptism of the spirit’ now that i’m 18.. I feel like that stuff …. in no way compares to How real how beautiful our Lord Jesus is!

i’m just… so floored!
in awe. in love. in spired. in Jesus.

paper completed last night — I’ll post it once i get some feed back from Arthur…

mentally/spiritually depleted / drained.
cheerful though,
confirmation in sunday school, through Art/Alex.

the assurance of Jesus Christ that chases away all doubt/fear.

Authority by His touch. Confidence in His Faithfulness. The unfolding of His grace and sovereign plan.

Simply Beautiful.

*heartbreak…*
are we content with just that? If thats what we’re looking for thats what we’re going to get… but will it just be that?

no deeper, no more?

*delight*
I went out for dinner with a brother whom God has put a burden on my heart for — and throTugh the frustrations, I see that hunger that thirst… He waits… and God I want to share even a drop of His love with Him if that is even possible..

*heartbeat*
the paper is getting along, I’m almost done 1/4 of it, just a matter of seeking Him deeper and for more revelation in the diction format… but each day He reveals a bit more to me, each day He touches me with another bit of wisdom.

For those who don’t know — it is on spirituality and the ‘christian life’ its about drawing close to God, its about simple bible knowledge we have overheard, overread — but its something God has put on my heart. Tomorrow, he gives another day and hopefully it will be completed by this weekend. Then pending review of my pastor (art) I will publish it on my site.

prayers.. i guess continual in that search — and for the Holy Spirit to touch my church

I feel an urgency to write / work at the discipleship group idea.

*prayer requests:*
for love, humiity, communion with God, wisdom, direction, guidiance, humility, and depth.

for those that God has put on my heart to minister to.

*urgency*

*edit:*
wednesday — lots of good conversations, bouncing ideas off friends at CCF — the ’scary’ concept seems to have subsided, but the reality is pressing… finished my outline today, just gotta find time and space to write. and more to seek deeper in God, deeper, deeper.

thursday — lots on my mind, the struggle of a writer — discipline to actually get to writing, all the more impossible when there’s school to be done, and lots of self/God searching — cause this is what God has put on my heart to say — not my own random message, like there needs to be less of me and more of Him. So much harder that writing is supposedly one of my strengths… and to depend on Him for not just content, but style, and presentations. Regardless… as each day passes by without writing — he reveals a bit more into this unfathomable depth of ‘relationship with Him’ — other things on my mind … i dreamt of working at Bay Bloor last night — and today in the morning my dad announced to me that there was an opening, and pending for me to work on fridays and/or saturdays. That once ‘ideal’ / prayer become a reality… but now i wonder do i really want it, and more it on God’s heart that i accept it? The question ‘is it from satan to distract me’ sorta floats in the back of my mind… but Every good and perfect gift comes from Him, the father of Lights right? its just a matter of us not corrupting that ‘gift’ but to seek him more with His gifts…

bla — I must get to work, i shall stop blogging till i get that paper done.

some more thoughts… well a lot of thoughts really.

about this ‘holy discontent’ thing, love is patient, seeking God, going deeper and everything that’s been on my mind — and i’ve been struggling with for the past while.

Today God spoke rather loudly to me in multiple instances, through John Piper in the car, through Allen Ye, through the scriptures of Romans 11, and through my spiritual discussions with dad about the idea of ‘discipleship’ / ‘relationship’ / ’spirituality’

as to what God’s been saying — I think its been clear from the beginning and I’ve been over theorizing quite a bit for this past while letting pride, bits of inconsiderate anger get in the way. Like yes there’s all this stuff thats missing part of Jesus, but its not me who changes anything. Nothing I can write, nothing I can say, or do that can awaken my brethren to reality. And hey, its none of my business whether they want to go deeper or not, its their life and their choice. I might yearn and pain for them to see what God has revealed but in the end even *if* I’m called to be a witness or to be a vessel in which God’s Spirit outpours from me to awaken them, it isn’t by me, it isn’t by my means. More, my role as his precious little child is to have faith and to listen, and in my trust obey what he calls me to do, not ‘everything that is related to it’ He calls me to a specific task, a specific role, and as a child, as his lover — i need to seek Him and watch for His sovereignty to be revealed. And out of

In Sunday School today we took a look at Romans 11, and Paul writes about the Gentiles and the Jews how the Gentiles have found the Truth in which the Jews were chosen for but missed out.. and how the Gentiles musn’t be proud because ultimately its not anything they did, but its the root — God (Unix pun? :P), that supports the branches. Just as easily as God has chosen them the Jews, and they have fallen to their own self idea of who ‘God is’ so we can easily fall into our own diea of who ‘God is’ and become hypocrites, ignorant, and distracted from the real message, the real TRUTH, Jesus — relationiship, the *why/what*[or reason/person we do anything] instead of the *how* [we approach/worship God]. It says:

*Romans 11:25 (NKJV)*
For I do not desire, brethren, that you should be ignorant of this mystery, lest you should be wise in your own opinion, that blindness in part has happened to Israel until the fullness of the Gentiles has come in.

Like for myself, I can so easily and have been so caught up in the whole ‘figuring it out’ and sharing what I have found — which is good, but it isn’t everything and it definately isn’t important. next to knowing Jesus for who he is, His character, His heart and being in constant communion, and conversation with Him.

Moreover, like Joeie was reminding me 2 weeks ago about various types spirituality *muses* I can ‘know’ but its so hard for me to truly know until i go through the girth. But like yah just what God has revealed to me — its for me to live, its for me to talk and discuss about, its for me to bear witness. BUT it’s for God to move, God to work in me that I as a clay vessel made from the clay of this earth to bear witness — that His Love pours out, and His light pierces through the opaque sides of my being that despite my inadequacies, my ugliness His fragrance, His beauty shines out.

In reflection and quiet time God has been showing that “Hey Perry, I am so vast, and I’ve shown you a glimpse of how deep I am — I’m glad you want to share that love / edification to your brothers and sisters but, don’t worry about it just come into my arms so that i can lavish you with my love — just sit, be silent, trust me — have faith in me, and I will show you how powerful, how beyond your imagination my ’simple’ whispers can be.”

God reiterating my own ‘relationship theology’ to me. A call to intimately-Know Him, and faith-trust Him, and to watch, and listen as that outpouring spreads…

I finished Hebrews the other day and started on James — and these past two weeks in front of my very eyes God has been just shouting out put your faith in me! trust me! faith in me! trust me! if you flip through the subtitles of hebrews and the first two chapters you’ll know what i mean. So today I read James 2, the part about impartiality (favortism) and faith without actions is dead and the justification through actions [I don't mean to say that we are justified through actions, but more that if we have true faith our actions bear fruit of that faith 'proving' that we are justified ~ transformation] And I guess concerning the stuff above — God’s been poking me about starting that discipleship group thing at church… I have faith, I believe that this is what God wants me to do — not to speak out loudly or to write some incriminationg theology paper, but to have faith in starting a group which seeks God’s heart, which in sincerity seeks discipleship — to actively work at our relationship with Him. And to see Him work miracles, and use my unrefined spiritual gifts of pastoring, intercession, administration and spiritual wisdom etc… in mentorship and seeking more, to go deeper in Him. And through that, myself and my brothers and sisters will be transformed and immersed in the Holy Spirit, that the beautiful fragrance of Christ will pour out and all may know that Jesus Christ is Lord, and He IS the LIVING GOD.

So in the words of the writer of Hebrews,

*Hebrews 3:1 (NASB)*
Therefore, holy brethren, partakers of a heavenly calling, *consider Jesus*, the Apostle and High Priest of our confession;

consider Jesus.
Reconsider Jesus.

James 1:14-17 (NKJV)
But each one is *tempted when he is drawn away by his own desires and enticed*. Then, when desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, brings forth death. Do not be deceived, my beloved brethren. *Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the Father of lights*, with whom there is no variation or shadow of turning. Of His own will He brought us forth by the word of truth, that we might be a kind of firstfruits of His creatures. So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath; *for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God.* [emphasis mine]

hms.. just an except from devos. I guess in reflection, i’ve been really really anxious about this message that God’s put on my heart, inside i pain to share this simple message that we’ve seemed to miss, or at least my church (i think). Like its not me, its what God has revealed to me and put on my heart, ‘holy discontentment’ if you will. But like when my desire to share ignites with this passion, i feel Satan knocking down at my door — I become distracted by the message when its all about going deeper in relationship with jesus. Moreso, when i act with irrationality, i stumble — in that i have no love — i let my anger pierce through, and that doesn’t produce the righteousness of God, but more it distracts me, it distracts others, and anger tho good, becomes corrupted by inconsiderate, unloving words and actions.

From Gabe’s screen name today it said — “love is patient” and that’s probably not directed at me… but it reminds me to wait… to be patient, to know that only God changes hearts. This message, and change if that is to come is only by the power of God. I am merely his child who loves him… and only in the outpour of His love / spirit am i to speak, and even then only to speak so as to please him and Him alone.

And I struggle — I get caught up a great deal in what people think of me, I get caught up a great deal in my inadequacy to speak, in my lonliness and pursuit of God — its hard to KNOW (the intimacy KNOW) God when there’s so much noise, muchless busyness and that temptation that comes from a passionate desire.

what i ultimately don’t want is to be so caught up in ‘doing something great for God’ that i miss out his voice and do something out of the motivation to please him but end up making a mess…

*sighs* regardless, my God is faithful, He speaks in silence, he touches me and i cry with joyful tears His presence is made known to me.

Holy Spirit — guide me, lead me… embrace me.

so many mindless distractions, so much mind numbing noise just pummelling me. on all sides, from all angles, everywhere… need to just find time and spend some time just resting in God… like ugh, i am utterly drained, not enough filling in… *tired*

Continueing from CCF topic of ‘I can’t be Holy’

*Holiness - Sanctification?*
1. We are powerless to acquire it.
2. God gives it to us through the Holy Spirit “Those Who walk in the Spirit will not fullfill the lusts of the flesh” (Galatians 5:16)
3. The Law does not sanctify us, but relationship with Jesus.
4. through His — *Embrace* (Intimacy), His warmth — He is a Consuming Fire (Hebrews 12:29)
5. Image - A Fiery Furnace burning/refining gold.

and with everything, his gifts, his wisdom etc– He is a relational God, and merely seeking to be holy / ‘rid’ of sins isn’t enough — more its to seek Him. Again *relationship*

I attest to his promise he freed from the ensnarlment of impurity.

meanwhilst, something i need to work on — to not worry so much about what ppl think of me, and to find security soley in Jesus, cause the words i speak, the words i write, the song i sing, and the life i live should be only to *AN AUDIANCE OF ONE* but i’m so selfconscious bleh.

but yes… enough of me, i withdrawl. goodnight.