pearbox : undefined

so i finished the article, the other day and after that, it felt like this weight has been lifted off my shoulders — but i’m suddenly doused into this pond of doubt/fear, and the confidence/certainty in myself because i was talking/writing about what God had revealed to me sorta drips that last drop… and I’m just so in awe of Him, so uncertain of myself.

I’m guessing something like what Elijah or Peter experienced, when Elijah just overcame those thousands of false prophets and God brought fire from heaven to confirm Elijah. He then goes and boldy commands the people to seize the false prophets and baal and ’slaughters’ them. Not long after — Jezebel (the queen) sends a threat to Elijah, and what does he do? runs away –

Likewise, Peter — at the last supper, saying boldly that He wouldn’t betray Jesus, and boldly he draws his sword and cuts off the prests’ ear in defense of His Lord. yet when Jesus is taken away…. He denies Jesus 3 times….

like :O that zeal, that passion, its like it evaporates — leaving both men empty and desolate.

And I feel pretty similar i guess — like a polar flip, from utmost zeal and confidence to just silly little me.

But oh what a wonderful we have - God, Jesus, Holy Spirit its funny though, after writing the article…. and feeling utterly drained — basically wrote waht God has been pouring into me for the last half a year… and i suddenly feel pushed back and sorta like staring up into the dark night sky on some mountain somewhere (i’d imagine) that after working so zealously to get up to that mountain, we look up and all we can see is that wonderful, magnificant night sky — a dark deep infinite purple dotted with little lights twinkling in worship to an unfathomable God.

like just — *awe* after all thats said and done, feeling so charged in His outpour but there’s so much more! infinite majesty, infinite grace.

I’ve come a long way in knowing God, since starting school — but looking back it seems like nothing! NOTHING — nothing to that infinite expanse, that infinite depth to even beginning fathoming a mere notion of Jesus.

but like :O I want to go deeper! I want to know Jesus for who He is, i don’t want to be satisfied with a taste— like dude! He’s so much more, so much more that that my finite ‘relationship’ model i’ve come to understand Him through is nothing, its shattered broken inadequate.

funny tho — His only desire is to love us, for us to be *with* Him.

I feel like a baby Christian, really… I feel like dude, all my ‘knowing’ of Jesus all those years since i ‘accepted’ back when i was 8, till i ‘actively accepted’ in grade 8, and that endrenching ‘baptism of the spirit’ now that i’m 18.. I feel like that stuff …. in no way compares to How real how beautiful our Lord Jesus is!

i’m just… so floored!
in awe. in love. in spired. in Jesus.