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*Just Like You*
_Jason Upton_

I tried to walk on the water and found myself under the sea
So with water up my nose I felt your hand come close to save me
I’ve tried to cast out the demons I’ve gone to the darkest of regions
When fear has me shaking you suddenly break in to save me

You stand beside me just waiting while I try to go it alone
Smiling You say son come here won’t you let me just help you
But frustrated I try to make it cause I’ve just got something to prove
Not knowing that it is my weakness that perfects your power

*My Faith CD* (Jason Upton) Just came in, and… I’m in awe that when i decide to order them music cds online, God seems to always have a hand in when they actually get into my mailbox so that I check it when I am shaken…. and he calls me to refocus on what’s important. Last time it was about tongues… and Steve Fee’s CD just spoke — Relationship, not the gifts.

This time its about that healing thing. And this particular song really jumps out at me. Because *YES* God has answered that He will heal mom. And in my spirit/heart i truly believe that in the spiritual realm he has done that — for whence it becomes manifests, I gotta have faith. And while I, we take this step out of the boat — Satan is scattering his lies, his doubts, his spiritual attacks to distract us from focussing on the Face of Jesus. to just focus on him and wait in anticipation. Regardless, he being that faithful Bridegroom, the faithful Father, and indwelt and intimate Spirit — is there watching me, His beloved, His little child, more He’s holding me up with His power, giving me the confidence through His Spirit — and even if my little bit of faith fails — thats not what keeps me up — but its God’s power, His Grace. and when that bit of faith falls short of Jesus — He is there faithful to catch me again
thanks for everyone who’s been praying. God’s work waiting to unfold.

God’s presence, Knowing and Being with God - is all I need.

wow… This weekend has turned from guilty guilty to busy busy to extremely wow…

Thursday night — i wrote that provocative email, and received that gentle rebuke, that pride humbling *poke* — and man it becomes clear. so clear.

That it is God who moves, God who does things — and God that makes things happen. Not me, not what I can do, not what I can say. But His sovereignty is Magnificant and surpasses all the principalities and the powers of this world.

After the rebuke, I went to aletheia somewhat uncertain of myself. Yes — God has annointed me with His Spirit, and Has opened my eyes to ’see what i see’ (John Piper), and to reality of Him, He’s given me the authority to speak His word, and the authority to boldly enter into His throne room to seek him (Hebrews 4:16). But it is only by Him, soley by Him. And we as his children need merely to embrace Him, Jesus. That by His power he may exercise His power and show us His true reality.

Friday night… I was out of it, and guilt, the temptations to selfpity knocked on my door. lonliness and the yearning to go out for coffee with someone and just talk and pray… desire to just be with Him, knowing that whatever other people thought, whatever I thought of myself that — in His embrace nothing matters — Like a child who is scared from a dog — runs to His father and buries his face in His chest holding on tight, knowing that His father will protect Him from that dog — is the problem removed? No. But God is in control — he can drop me, feed me to the dog, or he can protect me, and out of His loving grace he protects me. I don’t feel anything but His presence, His heartbeat, and my tears just flow down in relief that my father is protecting me, elevated away from the fear, away from danger — In His Arms. Safe.

Saturday, more revelation — busyness busyness, school work/church work, endless amounts of work. Yet my only desire was to hide… to Know Him, to know that through all shame, all humiliation — that I am solid, and rooted in His love, His grace. That no powers or principalities can tear me away from His love. But instead I am more than a conqueror, His beloved child who is in part heir to His Kingdom, who asks and is answered. Chosen from the depths of abandonment, and loss, to be His child, His love. Beloved. Lots of soaking married with sleep, unecessary AV, sunday school and just wrestling with his word, being reminded to seek him to seek him to seek him.

Sunday, the restoration complete — that I find no shame in Jesus Christ my Lord. He is my Rock and my Salvation. My beloved whom whispers affection in my ear all the time. He is the Lover of my Soul. The Creator of the Universe — the Great I Am, my daddy, He’s my all. Sunday School, don’t know where, but different scriptures started to meld — things i’ve read, meditated on all come together and suddenly this idea of calvinism / armenism becomes so clear — its not an issue of who’s right but the heart of it — is that we wrestle with God’s word, we are transformed as we wrestle the ideas — with our conception of His Character. That yes it is controversal but that is because we try to understand him with our minds — It all makes sense when we embrace surrender, when we embrace Him! Its about His Character and Knowing Him, and NOTHING else! Relationship.

Evening, stressed from the noise, the busyness, the fear for my mom who’s gone to the last bit of medicine that she isn’t allergic to… uncertainity and I ask her if she needs to go to the hospital — no she replies. worry and fear fills me — but…

Turn your eyes upon Jesus
Look full in His wonderful face
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim
In the Light of His glory and grace

fills my mind — Thank You God for that divine appointment at 2:00AM with Joeie friday morning. That you prepare me for all that I come accross.

dinner - flooded by noise — intolerable noise. silence, prayer. I feel led to ask boldy for me to enter into His presence, His Spirit embrace. I tremble.. God language. pray. His Spirit manifest. question for my mom comes into my mind — “Do you have faith that God will heal you?” Uncertainty… I ask for confirmation — for peace, i am stilled. — I ask for confirmation — I tremble again. Faith, take a step — I ask, “Do you have faith that God will heal you?” Uncertain responce. question changes — “Do you have faith that God will heal you tomororw?” — wonderment, doubt in responce. prayer — mom removes her presence — God language.. i hear tears, whispers, sharing, confession of doubt — dad attests to God’s word — “Call on the name of the Lord.” A verse swims to mind — Romans 10:13, from Sunday School:

for, “Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.”

In the living room now — tears, prayer — a whirlwind authoratative faith/words…. to just seek God’s heart, for submission and healing if he wills, then stronger, more spirit indwelt. confidence. tears. trembling in His presence. resting in His presence. Sweet sense of assurance decends into the room… no blood. Confession of conviction. Question for discernment. Prayer for Discernment. Faith that God’s word convicts. Word rings in its pretext.

We read John 21:19-25.. questions, the beautiful requirement for faith. God’s character renown. *smiles* He gives us confirmation but not so much that we don’t need faith. to delve further and further into Him.

*hugs* God. Thank You so much for healing mom!

His power, and His power alone.
To know, to live in His presence. In His Embrace.

Image Righteousness : stool.
3 Legs that uphold righteousness - Love, Justice, Holliness.

Love - liberalism/favortism

Justice - condemnation

Holiness - elitism/segregation

i forgot the combinations of Love/Justice Holliness etc..
but something i really need to work on.

Thanks Joeie, Gabes, Kat, Kev.

various bits and pieces, reflection and thoughts, and just random things i want to get off my mind, so bear with me if some if not most of these thoughts are rather scrambled or raw… just lots on my mind… and I suppose only by writing it down here will i really gain much resolution or perspective on what i’m subconsciosly thinking about.

mom.
first off i guess, I just want to thank each of you who has been praying for me, my mom and my family in general. My mom’s getting better… still has some test thing but, getting better — more just really tired and in the stage of recuperation. But hey, God is sovereign right? He is Faithful. And from my post — absolutely providing in every circumstace — then there’s nothign to worry about

spirituality - challenge.
I don’t really see much significance in the “new years” or “new years resolutions” since they just get broken anyways and they’re just too cliche that even when you set them, they’re prone to fall short in a few short days… also w/ the countdown spizzazz as fun that stuff is — i usually feel nothing at new years, the moment before and after has no difference — life is life it goes on you just type 2006 instead of 2005. *shrugs* but regardless… I guess over the winter just the dryness / lonliness smothered me a bit, spent time soaking and seeking him but… coming out I just felt really dissatisfied as i mentioned before… but i think even more dissatisfied because the pace of life was sorta to busy… and coming out i feel myself weary and drained — school is a good source of relief and rechargement… but it also seems i’ve run into a semi-rut spiritually.

Spiritually i’m in this little valley point where i just yearn to go deeper and deeper… yet in the valley its really distracting cause there’s much darkness much distractions and stuff. Like its easy to read the Bible and do Lectio Divina and just soak in His presence when you’re out on the mountaintop, in His presence… but when you’re down sorta ‘floating’ in life and you can’t seem to really fully grasp his presence its sorta discouraging… the Word seems incomprehendable… but like God is still there right beside me, watching over me… working in me… and I really really really want to go deeper, SUBMERGE in Him.. y’know i want to hear his voice and keep him at the forefront of my mind that i can listen and obey without hesitation… to hear/feel His heartbeat y’know? And its funny, I was talking to Sarah (from Prayer morning meeting) about desiring to go deeper and she was saying that i need to surround myself with spiritual stuff — ‘channels’ in which to give God oppertunity to speak.. listen to sermons, pray more, read more spiritual books and stuffs. Not that doing those things will ‘get me closer to god’ but it’ll gear my attention to things of Him. And at the very least if not put Him at the forefront of my mind, His word is in the back of my mind transforming me and my perspective. Its funny cause I was reading this magazine. listening to John Piper’s sermon, and some random brochure that someone handed me — about seeking God more this year… multiple sources, same message. He speaks LOUD
So what I feel challenged to do is to trade in them computer/techy news things (slashdot/arstechnica/flexbeta), and those webcomics(8bit/ctrl+alt+del/ic), and even some of my worship music to read more books, listen to more sermons, and with all my efforts draw near to him. cause when we draw near to Him he will draw near to us (James 4:8) right?

Ministry
Some idea that sorta found its way in my head (and has somehow lodged itself there) is the idea of starting a discipleship group at Church that focuses on seeking and ‘working on’ one’s relationship with God. I’ve been resigning from several areas of ministry thus far… AV being the one i just left 2 days ago, and Treasurer the one which God has sorta pulled me out of… giving me pretty much nothing on my plate except overseeing the church website — which God has also provided Tim to takeover most of that project Timewise i’m gleaning a lot more time, pretty much leaving every single area i’ve been serving in — yet we need to serve to exercise our faith, our spiritual gifts, and for the general edification of the Church. Moreover something i overheard was that “God gives us a certain dissatisfaction so as to use us to change that” Discipleship i think… is pretty much the key to my dissatisfaction, and really at church there’s numerous things I am just really really steamed about… like some of the sermons which have this undertone of lukewarm living, this undertone of Jesus dying to save our sins. WHICH IS TOTALLY *NOT* TRUE! ALL LIES! Jesus did not come to save our sins! He came to have a relationship with *us!!* the removal of our sins/guilt is merely the beginning, if we make that the end… ‘be a christian and live whatever way is convenient’ then we belittle our God as only taking our sins away and thats all he can do for us. BUT NO! He wants to have a relationship with us so we can commune and talk and relate to him throughout the day… that we can break from the silly rules of this world — and live to trust in Him. i’m just ugh… really dissatisfied and angry at stuff like that… missing the whole point to Christianity — *relationship with Him.*

but yah… we don’t talk about discipleship at Church, and there are people who i know love Jesus so much… but there’s no means to exercise that. leaders are getting burnt out and frustrated… cause everythign is in disarray misaligned..

by all means rebuke me if i’m wrong. but we really just need to STOP and get into Jesus.

my ideas for discipleship group — start off with 2-3 people, meet up pray, soak, worship, share, and really just seek Jesus.. Lectio Divina, accountability, none of that usual marketing spizzazz but to just pray that God would stir up a thirst/dissatisfaction in people’s hearts… y’know? I don’t really have much to say or really want to “lead” it… since i’m pretty much inqualified to do so only first taking steps on this road… but hey Holy Spirit leads right? and i guess if i start i act as a facilitator only anyways still praying / thinking about it…. if you’ve got around to reading this and you have any thoughts / interests or whatever let me know.

politics
No, this isn’t a post about Liberals vs Conservatives, but what’s on my mind is church politics and how it enrages me… Like I dunno, before i hated the whole politics thing already and now married with my ‘holy discontentment’ anger just wells up and burns inside of me… like concerning my mom and the possibility of being a deacon (which she turned down) the elder asks her to be the deacon, my mom is open to it but asks what that position entails and the elder goes and shoves her a list of administrative things to do. Like… I don’t know too much about deacons and what they do but Biblically — you have all these special requirements and stuffs. Moreover the reason why they asked my mom was cause she has ’social work skills’ and they just throw her in the admin department, where yes she is fully capable but that’s not her passion that she that she outlined in why she was considering it. So she decides to step down to ‘committee’ member, so she can work more on actually caring for people, but oh noo… the elder then gets another deacon (related) and pushes the role of ’secretary’ onto my mom. Like my goodness! Leadership (at least in some areas) seems totally lost focus, its task driven — moving ppl to do things they aren’t called to do, and thus turning ppl OFF from serving. And totally off from what God was calling them to do! like ugh!!! its turning into a ‘community center ‘church’ ‘ where God takes 2nd priority to the ’social services’ and ‘programs’ and all that “good” but really empty religious stuff. AGH! anger.

travel.
I want to travel… like farther than just Niagra Falls travel. Gabes/Kat always go to all these kwlz places and i usually get stuck going to niagra falls heh, but like i dunno the whole idea of travel has really been appealing to me — and my silly little fantasy of going around after i finish my b.a. and m in div/theo or whatever and just traveling road trip or whatever and writing…. fun fantasy :p Joeie brought up a good point tho about how i should probably find a wife first or else it’ll just be travelling alone haha i guess get more depressed poetry out than worthwhile books? but hms… travel… hms.. romance. hms God?

romance & stuff
dunno why but this fun topic keeps coming up… i guess through the daily slamming down from the ‘hammer of lonliness’ and my little bit of hiding in the library and feeling less ’sorry’ for myself… and being first year university student its boudn to come up? *shrugs* either way I don’t really want to think too much about it.. except lol i gotta find a pretty lady who loves God more than she’d love me, like i mentioned before.. companion. Someone Equal — not the same but complimenting — not to overwhelm, but to equalize.. haha personality kicking in “equality - loyality - equality - loyalty’ ahhh lol. bla bla

J’adore mais Je attends Dieu, et J’adore-le d’abord.

so back to discipleship — to embrace him — conform to his character… to love Him first… and we’ll perhaps revisit this next year — or the year after but till then… I wait, and delve deeper so that i maybe transformed.

A small implementation I’ve been wanting to add to my plain looking site — basically just a place where I’ll be posting a photo every now and then that represents how i feel / what i think or something… Basically its the same as a normal blog except instead of the long essays the image will speak for itself… an image is worth 1000 words? But yah… most of it will be imager — sort of a symbolic metaphor… might be hard to understand unless you wrap your mind around it several times..

I’m still quite the amateur photographer armed with only my S710a phone camera (what i’ll mainly use) and my Fz15 — so bear with me pics probably wont be as ‘artistic’ till i get around to actually reading up on photography.

so whatever, I officially open the photoBlog, enjoy!

As I write this, its dark outside, the sky is once again lit with that peachy glow from the mercury lamps outside. It’s dark, the stars are invisible, and i just gaze into this haze of fog which sits upon the house tops. Outside the roads and the ground lie hidden beneath a white blanket of snow, ice and salt. It looks like the night is dead, there is no activity, just silence… the only activity that is shown is from the little glimmers of light i see from the neighbour’s house… everything else seems to be asleep, in deep hibernation… unaware of what is happening outside, unaware of what is happening on the other parts of this world, in the infinite expanse of space, and the spiritual warfare which clashes on the plane of reality.

Time sorta just sits, it soaks in light swallowing it as it continues to transverse through the infinite space of reality…

So… right now I’m just sitting here at my computer… I decided to try out Lectio Divina with my parents during ‘family worship time’ instead of reading from the prayer book… for Lectio we read Timothy 1:3-6, Meditatio I focused on the words dispute / love… And through Oratio, prayer… and the broken bits of contemplatio, I felt God speaking this little message of — “The Holy Spirit is what changes hearts, you cannot. Rather, be used by the Holy Spirit — Live your life in pursuit of Loving God and Loving others with a mature love that doesn’t provoke people or cause contraversy… rather show them that there is more to the ‘christianity’ we’re used to… I can write / say all I want, but that’s on the theoretic level and i have no power to sway hearts… rather as God pours His love upon me… and in his outpour… to others, people experience Him and are thus changed.

It’s new years day… or so everyone tells me, but like Christmas it seems like any other day… basically a day of meditating, reading the word, falling asleep and reading. Nothing too spectacular… rather somber and lonely if you ask me. A day thats filled with quiet tears and reflection… I don’t know why, but there’s this wash of wonderment in me.

Prior to Christmas my thoughts and reflections were surrounding the notion of probability vs God’s power, and how yes there is a probability that a certain x% of ppl recover from such and such a disease however fat or slim that is. Yet probability is a measurement it is a mathematical tool for ‘observation’ not a definition… that is to say if there is a 0% of recovering from an operation — it doesn’t mean you’re condemned to die. Merely God hasn’t chosen to heal anyone else yet — like picking a white marble from a bag of millions, the probabiity might be infinitly stacked against you but if you pick the white one, it will always be 100% how that relates to anything i don’t know..

Coming into winter break my thoughts swayed to something else as I started work I came into a new ‘reality’ and this imagery of a board game come to mind… What exactly is ‘reality?’ We live reality instantaneously — at one point, with our memory being able to transverse back through time as if it was a vector. We go to school the bus we take, the protocol / routine we go through… thats our reality… that’s it — thats what we see, hopes / dreams for the future are plans which we delight / indulge in but are in away mere fantasies as there is no guarentee what will happen.

During work, it hit me as odd… as i move serve the sales people and customers moving tvs, stereos, speakers, and headphones back and fourth to and from the inventory storage, writing down serial numbers and so… that these people work hours and hours… i myself am working, practically exchanging my life for $10 / hr… like i can spend $10 so much quicker than i earn it… and i wonder God has given me life x many hours and here i am trading each one for a purple $10 dollar bill, feels kind of queasy… y’know? As i move some of the bigger orders [$2000-$4000] into the store or even smaller ones like [$400-$700] another thing which caught me was that these customers are trading their time.. how ever much their hour is worth.. and spending it on this new TV or sound system… It’s cool to have… i understand the beautiful excitement and romance of materism and enjoy it too, but thats it, they trade their time to buy something then can spend more time on… and ironically and in negative returns as they spend more time on this tv, the more it depreciates in value… and draws to its’ end of its life…. and the cycle continues, more time spent — more time invested… and more and more consumerism drains away time.

Another thing of interest at work… is the coworkers I work with, which are pretty interesting. From this really friendly guy from Trinidad who is all about “taking care of the ladies,” to this philipinio singer/studio guy who sorta acts as a ‘big brother’ to show me where stuff is, offers me cigarrettes almost everyday and continues after he learns i don’t smoke, to this really nice guy who is becoming more into the influence of the second guy, to the chinese guy who everyone thinks is lazy but is really attentive to detail and tries to make the environment safer and what not.

I wonder as i sort of invest time into this job working 9-7, and then 9-6 what’s the point? how do I love each one of them… how do I bring spirituality here. And darn it isn’t easy… work is draining and mindless and in many ways forces Jesus to the back of your mind… and like… rules, each reality has its own set of rules… but like to what end? and the Word says we are free from the law of this world… we are no longer slaves to this world…

I’ve been reading and just finished Through Painted Deserts by Don Miller [the guy who wrote Blue Like Jazz // thanks Kat]… and its this book that doesn’t really talk much about spirituality but instead accounts of this road trip he took — where he just took off from Houstin where he lived and travelled through the states up to Oregon with one of his friends. Its a light read… a travel journal perhaps but he was talking about questions of ‘why’ — why is reailty like so.. and how the universe works as it does… and why we buy into the commercial lie where we *have to* get a house, a car, lots of friends, beer, and sex to be happy. Or even religion!

This sort of came align with my thoughts… cause my winter break has been pretty uneventful. Seriously I don’t think I’ve really been happy or cheerful… more just sitting in the dark, and tearing.. for no real reason. wanting to talk with my friends as lonliness pummels me with its giant hammer. I suppose most university students usually get around talking about finding their ‘other’ and i dunno… there are many views and i’ve got a whole arsenal of my own ideas… but like to what end?

Will it tie me down in from education/ministry? Will it ensnarl me to conform to the lies of mass media? Will i give my youth to consumerism and live for God after i retire from whatever career? like i don’t know.. working this winter I feel really unsatisfied with life… its much to busy and work can easily consumme your time. yet money, currency is the very ’source’ of living in this society…

Don Miller talks about him going off and just breaking all ties for a while sorta in a spiritual pilgrimage with his friend… and I don’t know — that provoked the adventurous writer side of me… to this silly fantasy of one day writing books.. and traveling..

of course travelling isn’t really productive and eats time as well… i don’t know, perhaps my desire isn’t so much i want to travel but i seek for companionship in my spiritual pilgrimmage (which is in essence what i’ve been going through these past few months), my road of discipleship… my pursuit for God.

like i dunno.. most people list out qualities… i sort of want to do that but i realize i don’t really have any.. except for someone who shares that pursuit & love for God… someone i can talk to and share with… sincerily.

its not even about getting girlfriend and that romance stuff, i have this sense that i want more… some would say perhaps kindrid spirits or some sort of ’soulmate’ but i dunno… i barely even know what i’m typign right now… *sighs*

Soaking in the sun… its dark out, and the sun is merely a myth that faces the other side of the world… will it come back? will it never show its face to us again? We can only expect it… but i guess through all those silly thoughts / reflections / dissatisfaction i feel that this winter break has really been more about soaking in the sun — more a bout soaking in His presence, in delving into his word seeking his answers in His word…

I feel somber i don’t know why. I’m lonely but in His embrace.. and perhaps beyond all theorizing and the world… we are called to more than that… more than the ‘rules of reality’ and instead to just enjoy him in everything…