pearbox : undefined

somewhat random — writing an essay… and this appeared:

A crash of roaring thunder breaks out, as machine gun fire fills the air. Screams of confusion and agony are drowned out as tanks and aircraft unload their hefty payloads. Explosions and fire lay waste, as soldiers storm in with guns spitting death at innocent civilians and those whom dare stand in their way. Buildings collapse and the ground trembles with the power of an earthquake. Then darkness, pitch darkness; the television set is switched off. Yet still beneath the shards of broken glass and crushed concrete is the unheard cry of a child, lost and perplexed; all innocence gone.

now the poetic underlying question is –
who is the child?
a) a chlid caught in the middle of warfare?
b) a child who is watching the tv? ‘broken glass’ — you can’t see through it anymore :p

*edit* Essay completed & submitted 6:40 — good morning! (so dead today) + *cheers* Jeff for complementing writing style with wakefulness, grammatical checking, and overall funnies

hms… its late — 2:16, gotta wake up in 5 hours — for a hectic/busy two days… last minute group project… and aiy my heart/soul yearns so much for Him, here’s a prayer thats embedded in one of the songs, Sacred Space, on my Sacred Space CD Steve Fee– it grasps my heart and pulls me towards Him… better than i could put into words..

The Throne of my heart has an incompetant ruler without you
i look to you for the love of you the peace of you to silence all the noise with you. to bring tranquility to all the scattered thoughts with you. i learn to think of you and not of me, to go deep in you until i lose who i used to be. with you i can be all you intended me to be, its in this sacred space where i lay my ability to be anything without you, where i lay my preconceived notions about you, Lord I forget about me to remember life is about you, i live for your smile, i live for your smile more than i please the crowd, make me like water see through me see you through me, nothing left of me to see, cleanse me immerse me of purity, wash me of inequity help me to choose you to lavish you with the lifestyle worthy of you, lavish you with more than words to lavish you with all that you deserve i surrender because you are more than..

*goodnight*

to see Him deeper…
to come, to try, to die and to fail.

to be sought by Him deeper….
to trust, to walk, to live and fly.

life trancends these meagre distractions;
the frustrations of youth, the vanity of age.
a faltering donkey, does stumble and fall
so too the reign of pride and judgement..

my heart i write, in weakness’ estate,
and break into stumbling… a crash of late.
where darkness storms, and temptations do follow.
so a world upon its own, does cloud in self delusion.

A heart rests still, redeemed and saved
does seek His bosom, for closer embrace.
To hear His voice, tender and sweet
whispering sweet affections… in my shatteredness break.

so a yearning instilled, and fire does light.
not to do, not to sing, but in Him delight.
To seek You more, and to be sought by You-
Is all this heart can offer…. its You I desire.

And backward shadows, and crimson flames do strike.
I yearn to hold steadfast… to come and die.
to submerge into You, to love into You.
To be Graced into You, to be Romanced into You.

I want… I desire… I need You Lord…
seek me, break me… speak! I cry out to You Lord…

*James 1:6*
But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind.

Starring Kevin Lam! haha awesome!

I am so floored… inside, so excited… the vision for Jaffray Alliance Church, for Hosanna, for Aletheia — that burden on my heart for my church… finally blossoming… The Holy Spirit beginning to bring it to the forefront! prayers answered… and just man Praise God! Praise God! Our Most Great and Glorious God!

just so filled with joy– Holy Discontentment, cheer — to just know that the leaders in the English Congregation see what Jesus sees! see what he’s been putting on my heart. just so floored. confirmation of what God’s been revealing to me..

albeit theology is somewhat different, but God reveals himself to people in different ways so yeah… cheerfulness, don’t really know what to say… hopeful, anticipating, floored.

*prayer request:* for Vanessa of York

if you’re reading this — could i just ask you to pray for Vanessa, a short quick prayer and if you feel burdened to pray more for her, than for sure go ahead.

Vanessa, a girl I felt God tugging me to talk to — and sorta share what God’s been revealing to me about Christianity — and how there’s so much MORE y’know than religion. So sort of out of the corner of my eye i saw her — reading a newspaper in the back of vari hall, and i wasn’t sure so walked around her — and this ‘rain’ of fear and uncertainity just befell me… that God instilled desire to go… but that fear… that holds me back. I prayed — and different verses came to mind — the promises from John, readyness of feet… and just No Sacrifice, y’know? FULL surrender just go do it. He is with you! so yeah — went, kind of awkward introducing myself and saying ‘this is kind of random, but i just feel God tugging at my heart to talk to you… i want to share what God’s been revealing to me etc.. etc.. i’m not trying to impress my values on you — just yah..’ kinda… yeah werid… but yeah in conversation she told me she was catholic, but a lot of the bible was just… didn’t make sense / she didn’t believe in it, and like all religions lead to the same thing — good morals, be good ppl, nothing more… and darn my heart just… aches, cause she’s so close… but so far away. right before her eyes. but yeah the conversation sorta turned to philosophical muddlement… which was alright (thank God for PHIL2160!! mind body brain [philosophy of the mind]) so equpiped to understand.

and i guess.. tho that didn’t really get anywhere once it entered to philosophy but — just pray for the Holy Spirit — cause after all its not what i say, not what i argue but really God’s grace to give her grace to see, grace to know, grace to believe —

thanks.

I’m kind of uncertain in posting this — but since this is my personal journal anyways whatever… i want my life to be as transparent as i can let it be so bla bla whatever

merely side discourse — prose

*dew in misty morning*
a caterpillar quietly crawling upwards
along glassy glades of grass…
slowly munching, slowly growing,
each step another burst of effort,
another milimetre closer to the sky…
that expanse of infinite beauty, the ultimate destination.

His dream to one day catch the wind
with wings of flurry, and a vibrance of colour
to one day soar above, and touch the sky
to fly high in sweet rotations dancing, a pair.
orchid of beauty, in full vestal light..
thy blossoms flicker to amazement…

a wash of mist… a rain of emotion…
in surrender there lies joy,
in God there lies sovereign grace.

looking to the sky…
unwavered..

hms…
a desire for God centredness.

*Pictures!* <--- click me!

*Reflections..*
Retreat… retreat hms… — what can I can I say? but God is Love. And there is nothing else that fills me than His Love, His Grace, Him. *hugs* God.

Entering into the retreat, I think a lot of my thoughts were already on love… as those of you who follow my blog can see — my ‘relational theology’ thats still brewing, the romantic splurge in those relationships, and extraneous sappy related things… So my mind and everything was sort of geared towards this ‘love idea’ coming into retreat… trying to figure more of it out..

That being said — my relationship with God lately… has been sort of in that well of ‘unfeeling’ that lack lustre little drop that comes with every love/romantic type of relationship. I have been feeling sort of disconnected, unloved, lonely, and blind to God’s love. Like all through first term and leading up to the week before reading week — y’know just so immersed with God, then busyness came and plunge down I went…

Coming out of course after — that long period of busyness… but feeling out of touch, not as emotionally/spiritually in tune. y’know? those times when we don’t quite see God working, we don’t really sense His presence, or much of His fingertips on anything… sorta just Faith — that trust/knowledge of God’s character to know that He is still there and watching, and whispering affections, and speaking… just I’m somehow not tuning in enough. And discipline seems to be out the door — and the different things of the world become much more interesting…

*Idolatry* really — not fixing my eyes on Jesus, and letting the outside distractions draw me into the seductive grasp of tv, lust, and other vain things (like liscentious sleeping/eating).. Thus instead of being still and listening… or actively seeking God’s voice and participating in His beautiful work.. i get temporary full on things i really don’t have much interest in/actuall hate.

So day or two leading up to Retreat were pretty good — that last post… much more on refocussing, albeit quite out of touch still… not much contemplative prayer / soaking… a lot of one sided seeking of Him, and struggling with being disciplined since I am not fully surrendered to Him –

Regardless… YCCF Winter Retreat rolled around, and yes the Theme of the month/retreat was that of love lovey dovey love. Betwixt me and God, me and my brothers and sisters, and between our friends/acquaintences/strangers at York University.

Retreat… was interesting — I struggled inside with that yearning to find sometime to just be with God for His infilling, a bit of lonliness/ want to talk to one of my closer friends who was serving — so thats ok :), and some random emotional vanity. But God was and has been challenging me to love more, to give more. Stemming from the whole missionminded move in Church, my search for discipleship, the many sermons talking about suffering and God’s glory, numerous blogs people have typed out… regarding obedience, love, and their struggles… my heart really goes out and I want to pour out myself like Paul wrote, as a drink offering… to be a disciple, to be a mentor, to be a friend — and encourage and love. Arthur was speaking the other day (2 weeks ago i believe) about if we want to grow in Christ — we need to follow the great commission. Which is so intwined with what God has been showing me — discipleship..

y’know? like being disciples — after being taught, after receiving His annointing we are called to spread His love. That in His outpour we may be ministers to His people, be it our brothers and sisters or just anyone — y’know like Love Love Love!!

God’s Love goes beyond my relationship theology — He works in ways which seem bizarre, and scary. His Love is Perfect Love — Love that can only be found in a relationship with Him. And His Heart is for His people to Know Him. It begins with intimatelyKnowing God — and it goes on to introducing people and spurring people in their relationship with God. Its about giving that love to others… that as we empty ourselves He continually pours out His infinite Love and Spirit into us!

I’ve been reading about that in John lately… a lot about Faith, and lately its turned to Love and some of the promises that Jesus has given to us… like the promised Helper (Holy Spirit) and Answered Prayer — if we seek to glorify Him He will intercede and grant our requests, The promise of not just the indwelling of the Holy Spirit, but the Father and the Son too! And The Holy Spirit teaches us and reminds us of what God has spoken to us (John 14)

Like Awesomeness! I might be really fearful… and uncertain, even if I love God and am willing to suffer and give my life to Him… even if I count all as lost I am fearful… but because I and in Him, and He is in Me — and I know my heart is pure in seeking to glorify Him — that He will and has granted me courage, He will and Has granted me the words to say, the wisdom, the love, a friend everything… that in everything He has equipped me to do His good works which he has prepared in advanced for me! (Eph 2:9) *smiles*

I hesitate — but I am compelled by His Love compelled utterly.. floored. And like in my last post I’ve been thinking about this sense of not seeing and hearing Him in every moment — and growth in Faith — its in these times when I don’t full the full blown presence of Jesus that I grow — in the valleys… away from the mountain top — in suffering, in trials, where we need to live by Faith — that the Sun will come out in the morning. not to boast… but i prayed for suffering, that as I begin to embark on this new commandment — I may live by faith and be led by His Spirit, that I may have feet of readyness… and like darn. i’m scared.. but there is no fear, but boldness in Jesus (1 John 4:17) Spirit of Courage, Power, Discipline (1 Timothy 1:7) More than Conqueors (Romans beautiful promises….

God tugging in my heart this last while and in this retreat… He’s not showing me that full blown love of His — to train me, to love me…. that when I hear His voice… tho I might not be as connected in emotions and not have a clear scope of His voice… but I know His heart. I know Him — so there is no doubt. intimacy / closeness is often shown — in silence. no words need to be exchanged… yet I know what He’s thinking right? I Have sought His Heart and He has revealed it to me… will I not answer?

But yeah.. back to retreat — a lot of good fun times, and sharing, God reminding me of little ways I used to love.. my own little domineering spirit of stealing plates to clean and what not (haha Joeie you’re not the only one with this domineering mentality)… and just I guess spending time with some of my friends and listening to the things in their heart… God has given me the gifts of prayer… my introvertedness to listen and think, my intuition to jump about in small talk… and the inspiration to approach what i want to talk to directly, straightforwardly… and God’s overshadowing Grace.

and just… i don’t know I am blown away because I really don’t know what to say to them in their individual walks with God— merely my bit of similar experiences, my pains, my struggles, my testimony really thats all i shared… yet God showed signs of His fingerprints…. His Spirit Working!

hms I miss YCCF right now… its monday — and i get to see them tomorrow but man I love my fellowship so much… warm fuzzies and all… the people, that depth of love / caring / passion for God — shown to me… through the people, serving, conversations, encouragement, smiles… !

*some sentimental sillies–*
Close To You (They Long To Be)
Words & Music: Burt Bacharach & Hal David
(intro)
*line — wave out in left/right directions *
Why do birds suddenly appear
Every time you are near?
Just like me, they long to be
Close to you.
*birds circle around and attack couple*

Why do stars fall down from the sky
Every time you walk by?
Just like me, they long to be
Close to you.
*stars flash by.. fall and claw at couple*

On the day that you were born
The angels got together
And decided to create a dream come true
So they sprinkled moon dust in your hair of gold
And starlight in your eyes of blue.
*baby ‘ejection’ action + dinky angel swaying + sprinking pixie dust*

That is why all the girls in town
Follow you all around.
Just like me, they long to be
Close to you.
*point and chase! battle with ‘girlfriend’ and die*

(melody)
*Francis Breaking it down!*

On the day that you were born
The angels got together
And decided to create a dream come true
So they sprinkled moon dust in your hair of gold
And starlight in your eyes of blue.
*shell open / sprinkle dust*

lots of fun! hahaha — gotta wait for music video to come out :p

I think — for me, most delightful time this retreat — was really small group time…. and the few times i got to spend some quality time with some of my friends… warm fuzzies and unexpected phone call. All in all made me feel very very well special.

Lots to think/meditate/obey in still…
fear… needing to be washed away.

*special cheers* to small group - Joeie, Hazel, Chun, Jireh, Francis, Johnny & YCCF Committee / people who served at Retreat