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*Reflections..*
Retreat… retreat hms… — what can I can I say? but God is Love. And there is nothing else that fills me than His Love, His Grace, Him. *hugs* God.

Entering into the retreat, I think a lot of my thoughts were already on love… as those of you who follow my blog can see — my ‘relational theology’ thats still brewing, the romantic splurge in those relationships, and extraneous sappy related things… So my mind and everything was sort of geared towards this ‘love idea’ coming into retreat… trying to figure more of it out..

That being said — my relationship with God lately… has been sort of in that well of ‘unfeeling’ that lack lustre little drop that comes with every love/romantic type of relationship. I have been feeling sort of disconnected, unloved, lonely, and blind to God’s love. Like all through first term and leading up to the week before reading week — y’know just so immersed with God, then busyness came and plunge down I went…

Coming out of course after — that long period of busyness… but feeling out of touch, not as emotionally/spiritually in tune. y’know? those times when we don’t quite see God working, we don’t really sense His presence, or much of His fingertips on anything… sorta just Faith — that trust/knowledge of God’s character to know that He is still there and watching, and whispering affections, and speaking… just I’m somehow not tuning in enough. And discipline seems to be out the door — and the different things of the world become much more interesting…

*Idolatry* really — not fixing my eyes on Jesus, and letting the outside distractions draw me into the seductive grasp of tv, lust, and other vain things (like liscentious sleeping/eating).. Thus instead of being still and listening… or actively seeking God’s voice and participating in His beautiful work.. i get temporary full on things i really don’t have much interest in/actuall hate.

So day or two leading up to Retreat were pretty good — that last post… much more on refocussing, albeit quite out of touch still… not much contemplative prayer / soaking… a lot of one sided seeking of Him, and struggling with being disciplined since I am not fully surrendered to Him –

Regardless… YCCF Winter Retreat rolled around, and yes the Theme of the month/retreat was that of love lovey dovey love. Betwixt me and God, me and my brothers and sisters, and between our friends/acquaintences/strangers at York University.

Retreat… was interesting — I struggled inside with that yearning to find sometime to just be with God for His infilling, a bit of lonliness/ want to talk to one of my closer friends who was serving — so thats ok :), and some random emotional vanity. But God was and has been challenging me to love more, to give more. Stemming from the whole missionminded move in Church, my search for discipleship, the many sermons talking about suffering and God’s glory, numerous blogs people have typed out… regarding obedience, love, and their struggles… my heart really goes out and I want to pour out myself like Paul wrote, as a drink offering… to be a disciple, to be a mentor, to be a friend — and encourage and love. Arthur was speaking the other day (2 weeks ago i believe) about if we want to grow in Christ — we need to follow the great commission. Which is so intwined with what God has been showing me — discipleship..

y’know? like being disciples — after being taught, after receiving His annointing we are called to spread His love. That in His outpour we may be ministers to His people, be it our brothers and sisters or just anyone — y’know like Love Love Love!!

God’s Love goes beyond my relationship theology — He works in ways which seem bizarre, and scary. His Love is Perfect Love — Love that can only be found in a relationship with Him. And His Heart is for His people to Know Him. It begins with intimatelyKnowing God — and it goes on to introducing people and spurring people in their relationship with God. Its about giving that love to others… that as we empty ourselves He continually pours out His infinite Love and Spirit into us!

I’ve been reading about that in John lately… a lot about Faith, and lately its turned to Love and some of the promises that Jesus has given to us… like the promised Helper (Holy Spirit) and Answered Prayer — if we seek to glorify Him He will intercede and grant our requests, The promise of not just the indwelling of the Holy Spirit, but the Father and the Son too! And The Holy Spirit teaches us and reminds us of what God has spoken to us (John 14)

Like Awesomeness! I might be really fearful… and uncertain, even if I love God and am willing to suffer and give my life to Him… even if I count all as lost I am fearful… but because I and in Him, and He is in Me — and I know my heart is pure in seeking to glorify Him — that He will and has granted me courage, He will and Has granted me the words to say, the wisdom, the love, a friend everything… that in everything He has equipped me to do His good works which he has prepared in advanced for me! (Eph 2:9) *smiles*

I hesitate — but I am compelled by His Love compelled utterly.. floored. And like in my last post I’ve been thinking about this sense of not seeing and hearing Him in every moment — and growth in Faith — its in these times when I don’t full the full blown presence of Jesus that I grow — in the valleys… away from the mountain top — in suffering, in trials, where we need to live by Faith — that the Sun will come out in the morning. not to boast… but i prayed for suffering, that as I begin to embark on this new commandment — I may live by faith and be led by His Spirit, that I may have feet of readyness… and like darn. i’m scared.. but there is no fear, but boldness in Jesus (1 John 4:17) Spirit of Courage, Power, Discipline (1 Timothy 1:7) More than Conqueors (Romans beautiful promises….

God tugging in my heart this last while and in this retreat… He’s not showing me that full blown love of His — to train me, to love me…. that when I hear His voice… tho I might not be as connected in emotions and not have a clear scope of His voice… but I know His heart. I know Him — so there is no doubt. intimacy / closeness is often shown — in silence. no words need to be exchanged… yet I know what He’s thinking right? I Have sought His Heart and He has revealed it to me… will I not answer?

But yeah.. back to retreat — a lot of good fun times, and sharing, God reminding me of little ways I used to love.. my own little domineering spirit of stealing plates to clean and what not (haha Joeie you’re not the only one with this domineering mentality)… and just I guess spending time with some of my friends and listening to the things in their heart… God has given me the gifts of prayer… my introvertedness to listen and think, my intuition to jump about in small talk… and the inspiration to approach what i want to talk to directly, straightforwardly… and God’s overshadowing Grace.

and just… i don’t know I am blown away because I really don’t know what to say to them in their individual walks with God— merely my bit of similar experiences, my pains, my struggles, my testimony really thats all i shared… yet God showed signs of His fingerprints…. His Spirit Working!

hms I miss YCCF right now… its monday — and i get to see them tomorrow but man I love my fellowship so much… warm fuzzies and all… the people, that depth of love / caring / passion for God — shown to me… through the people, serving, conversations, encouragement, smiles… !

*some sentimental sillies–*
Close To You (They Long To Be)
Words & Music: Burt Bacharach & Hal David
(intro)
*line — wave out in left/right directions *
Why do birds suddenly appear
Every time you are near?
Just like me, they long to be
Close to you.
*birds circle around and attack couple*

Why do stars fall down from the sky
Every time you walk by?
Just like me, they long to be
Close to you.
*stars flash by.. fall and claw at couple*

On the day that you were born
The angels got together
And decided to create a dream come true
So they sprinkled moon dust in your hair of gold
And starlight in your eyes of blue.
*baby ‘ejection’ action + dinky angel swaying + sprinking pixie dust*

That is why all the girls in town
Follow you all around.
Just like me, they long to be
Close to you.
*point and chase! battle with ‘girlfriend’ and die*

(melody)
*Francis Breaking it down!*

On the day that you were born
The angels got together
And decided to create a dream come true
So they sprinkled moon dust in your hair of gold
And starlight in your eyes of blue.
*shell open / sprinkle dust*

lots of fun! hahaha — gotta wait for music video to come out :p

I think — for me, most delightful time this retreat — was really small group time…. and the few times i got to spend some quality time with some of my friends… warm fuzzies and unexpected phone call. All in all made me feel very very well special.

Lots to think/meditate/obey in still…
fear… needing to be washed away.

*special cheers* to small group - Joeie, Hazel, Chun, Jireh, Francis, Johnny & YCCF Committee / people who served at Retreat