pearbox : undefined

lazyness, ineffectiveness, lack of diligence, lack of self discipline..
ARGHHH!!

For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of *self-discipline.* 2 Timothy 1:7 NIV

*Whatever* you do, work at it with *all your heart*, as working for the Lord, not for men Colossians 3:23 NIV

*currently working on…*
-VISA1005 - Assignment 4 - Due April 6, 2006- Completed March 28, 2006
HUMA1400 - Impermanence as Japanese Aesthetics Due April 6

*edit:* Jason Upton - Free Chapel… some soothing Holy Spirit led worship

mixed things on my mind lately…

*spiritually*
the first my spiritual ‘condition’ which is sort of a mix into numerous thoughts — that yearning / desperation to be in His presence, be completely endrenched in His Spirit… just dripping of His Love… yet I don’t seem to be as ‘amoured’ or romanced… I feel like I’m one removed in my walk with Him.. Not that I have doubts, or things in the way… I just feel… an insensitivity, a callous discernment of Him. I’m not in a pitch dark room, where I’m sorta trying to find Him — I know He’s there and my relationship with Jesus is ever so tight… but I don’t know… I miss Him — I miss that in depth intimatacy of resting, conversation, listening, His all out Love & bits of romance… (metaphorically speaking as usual).

I hear Him, but everything feels one removed. People whom I look up to for their depth, courage, & spirit — each confirm His working, His Love, His Word & call. The Word itself speaks loudly… but I just feel everything is going to my mind — It’s in filter where I’m not dependant of my emotions and ‘feeling’ of God — but I’m pushed to faith, to trust — the word with my mind. to trust His whispers however silent they are to my ears — with my mind. It’s interesting I guess, but I miss that embrace - that warmth. It’s like reading a love letter, or listening to a voice message, verses talking to that person, spending time with the person — everything seems somewhat removed.

On one hand i feel uneasy because I am broken and truthfully i can’t do anything without being in Him. I am a victim of fear, I am a victom of being emotionally drained… but in Him he guarentees over and over — that I become whole, I become more than a conqueror, I attain the spirit of power, love and of a sound mind, I am taken from a child who knows nothing, to his beloved who is equipped to do all things… Its hard because I don’t sense Him as loudly — but in my heart I know He is here, He is speaking — His Love endures forever.

so yeah… desperation stirring — yearning… just ahh I need so much more of God! *breathes out* mms..

romance sparks — but its in times where romance the ‘outward’ expression of love — are not fully experienced that a relationship grows most full, and most strong…

*CCF co-Chair Elections*
A few of you asked me if I wanted to serve on committee or something… I really don’t know.. I don’t have a particular burden in a certain ministry, nor do I feel quite urged to jump into the ‘typical 2nd year role of leading frosh cell’ I really don’t know. Nor do I really want to choose because — what He’s been showing me bit by bit — is just, forget it perry — relinquish your will. And I have found utter joy & cheer in that… so really.. I don’t know.

I want to love… I want to give my all… whatever it may be — just let it be in God’s will & His grace.

*school work*
not too stressed, beginning to get worried.. since its getting close & tight. Basically my schedule is as follows:

*Month of April–*
3 - Philosophy Exam
6 - Visual Arts / Humanities Essays
8 - Linguistics Exam
9 - Humanities Exam
12 - Psychology Exam

so all in all quite the crash of wonderment & workload. It shouldn’t be too bad provided I get the two essays out of the way by next weekend… But I think I will be declaring MSN silence quite soon — perhaps now… just cause I really need to get through this I’ll stick to writing a few blogs once in a while… but MSN should be quits for the next few weeks.

*randomness*
tehe! i love making people happy — makes me all warm & fuzzy inside yay!
+ confirmation on aletheia side? - relinquishing treasury duties in a month?

Praise God, from Whom all blessings flow
Praise Him, all creatures here below
Praise Him above, ye heavenly host
Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost
Amen.

Praise God, *smiles* i am feeling quite floored… tonight was quite.. I don’t know, feel that warm fuzzy feeling of confirmation & assurance, and just LOVE! Just so much on the back of my mind, that I haven’t really been thinking about… and just God’s confirmation, His providence of prayer & petitions… inspiration, peace, confidence — just complete vanquishment, complete binding of fear.

All God, All Him — *smiles* teheeeee! I feel giddy… just I’m floored, I’m excited for this coming summer, this coming school year — I am just anticipating to see Him move, and us grow.. just man, so in awe, so like yeah!
+special thanks for all of you who’ve been praying for me, with my knowing or with out — total answer to prayer tonight!!

*my heart* –

had quite a bit on my mind… mostly about busyness from school work, and CCF pre-election sharing… I sort of know what to say, just a bit unnerved, hesitant, bits of worry and that fear of being judged and other extraneous things which afterall don’t matter… a lot on mind before these past few minutes of just praying, resting in His presence… asked for revelation, and after i opened my eyes this old song — The Power Of Your Love was on my lips.. *smiles* that warmth, and assurance of knowing He is here, with me, His love unseperable, and His Spirit empowering — with boldness, courage, and power. *hugs* Jesus!

*The Power Of Your Love*
Geoff Bullock

Lord, I come to You, let my heart be changed, renewed,
Flowing from the grace, That I found in You
Lord, I’ve come to know, The weaknesses I see in me,
Will be stripped away, By the power of Your love

Hold me close, Let Your love surround me
Bring me near, Draw me to Your side
And as I wait, I’ll rise up like the eagle
And I will soar with You, Your Spirit leads me on
In the power of Your Love

Lord unveil my eyes, Let me see You face to face
The knowledge of Your love, As You live in me
Lord renew my mind, As Your will unfolds in my life
In living every day, In the power of Your Love

©1992 Word Music, Inc.

tired, weary, distracted… darn it… can’t get myself to start my essay :S

discipline, diligence, perseverence, initiative, motivation..

life continues after a busy week… got an 30% essay to finish this coming weekend, a bit of linguistics homework here and there, 6 hours of work tomorrow at Torce Financial (RH)… looks like its gonna be quiet the challenge ‘juggling’ my time with everything else.

This past week — has been pretty humbling… men’s cell went alright — Praise God for all of you who prayed for me, EM went alright, I decided not to share — too much unrest in that… and I decided to fill out one of them election forms… sort of just a barrage of confirmation… in awe, because I haven’t been thinking much about next year for CCF, it has sort of been on the back burner… then in my face confirmation wednesday morning prayer meeting..

But really.. I don’t know what to expect. inside i feel fearful, because i look at my life right now… and there is so many parts that God has shown me that I need to change. Age isn’t a factor for sure, but I’m immature (i dont’ know why others think otherwise) — I’m this child who has so much in Him that has yet to be formed. I am weak, I am fearful… yet in Christ I am strong, in Him I have courage — more than a conqueror. Undoubtedly — Satan trying to discourage me and scare me off using my ‘root sin’ — fear.

It’s humbling, slightly disheartening… but definately Humbling. God reminding me that if/when I serve.. its Him, all Him. There is absolutely no way I, perry can do this on my own. I’m quiet, soft spoken, immature, shy, not grounded that well in the Word, still at the very steps in my passage to seek deeper into God. He reminds me, its not what i am, not what i do — but Him abiding in me… *sighs* I feel kind of helpless.

But He is faithful, His Love Endureth Forever, and He pours Himself out on/for me… that I may stand strong, speak boldly, and lead… That in His Spirit I become more closely what He desires fo me…

God has been revealing a lot of sins/areas of my life that I need to entrust in Him & ‘work’ on. Most of this I haven’t really talked about before… but I’m want to be transparent, so bear with me.

*sin*
He’s been showing me more and more lately about just my pride… and my subconscious readyness to weigh everyone down to the little I know about them. I’m struggling with my mentality, my paradigm, my attitude — like just this whole judging thing darn it… It’s subconscious, and feels so out of control… I want to love people, but for some people something just hits me and I feel ‘oh they’re so superficial and bla bla bla bla… and I feel myself already withdrawing… but my attitude needs to be more like Christ — that servant like attitude, humility, humbleness — people say I’m humble and everything, but like No! I’m not! I do little things because it’s so hard for me to do something BIG… I’m prideful, and I so easily take pride when ppl say I’m humble… I need to learn to love… to love people… to stop focussing on what other ppl think of me (or what i think other people think of me).. Audiance of One. Servant of all… Love Him, Love all.

*psychology*
I need so much to change a few things on the mental plane of things, I’ve really gotta grow up… lingering with some childhood fixation, projection (that judging thing), and just emotionally I feel so swayed / moved.. once i get distracted from my focus on God, or i get strained in some of the energies.. my root sin kicks in and suddenly that thing which has come up in front of me… gets all my attention and fear just streams everywhere — and I get stuck on that one thing, get worked up on it… and emotions start spraying everywhere… literally emotional distortion. I need to learn / get a better grasp on my emotions — and use my reasoning instead of my strong emotional side to make decisions / act… much too overbearing — because outbursts of anger result in guilt / regret… and just confusion really… I hurt the ones I love most >.< Cognitive Distortions… *sighs* I suppose in the field of cognitive psychology, my weekly spillage of everything in me — Free Association acts as some sort of therapy? i don’t know.

Just yah… I want/worry about relationships yet — each time when I come together with my thoughts, and reality… i am so broken, so unready…. just want to be lost in Him….

*Relinquishment of my will for His.*

My weekend, as those of you whom have read my previous few posts — has been one of utter stress, spiritual & psychological drainage, mentally pretty overloaded and just explosive in my unconsciousness to my consciousness — sorta jumping from extreme introvertedness to extreme extroversion, and then draining down… then lots of thoughts, and the subsequent flow of emotions which flood and over power that… I am so distressed, so ‘tossed in the waves’ so everywhere yet nowhere at all.

Its strange but comforting — to know that despite all the racket, the worries, and uproar of emotional overtones that my salvation is firmly rooted in Jesus Christ. That even as He strips all these inward/outward cues from me — that I am held fast in His embrace. I am weak… and really I’ve been thinking that i’m at the end of me… my tenure, patience, perseverence is running real thin real quick. inside i am just drowning in desperation — but all i hear is noise, and when there is finally silence… all i hear is silence.

Occaisionally He approaches me when i least expect it — and the winds of His presence shift by me… but my mind doubts, it second guesses — is it merely a mental/emotional construct that my subconscious has devised? But NO! psychology/science is observation of what happens it attempts to explains the ‘why’ but only answers the ‘how.’ I want so much to go *boldly* before the throne of grace..

*Hebrews 4:16* NKJV
Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

Yet confusion, doubt — and just general weakness holds me back… but i am desperate… drowning in this pool — GOD HELP ME!! — He answers, but i am blinded… deafened..

*Relinquishment of my will for His.*
I am desperate — my heart cries - “I will stop at nothing for You Jesus!” but all He wants is for me to be still — that as part of His flock i may lie still on the altar — let his blood purify me… and His Fire consume me… His Sword piece through me - that I may die, be crucified to my own will… and do nothing but follow His.


*Relinquishment* — not my will, but Yours be done. Amen

I am broken, and in pierces… tears roll down my heart… I am myself, unfit to serve, unfit to speak, unft to exist. But in Him I am restored to His glory — only by His annointing am i anything..

Service is done in vain without His Authority, His Words, His Heart.
And all that — in vain without Love, a Relationship with Him.

Desperate Seeking — all in no avail, unless He draws me to Him.

*Proverbs 3:5-8* NKJV
Trust in the LORD with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths. Do not be wise in your own eyes; Fear the LORD and depart from evil. It will be health to your flesh, And strength to your bones.

My body weary, my mind confused… my heart longing — He asks only for my heart to Trust Him, to fall in submission to His sovereign plan and to die in my own ambitions, my ideas — and to embrace with all I am. That in Him He provides sustenance for my survival, energy and power to my being…

Seek Him. Know Him. Love Him. Wait for Him.
in suffering there is glory.