a quiet sadness?
life continues after a busy week… got an 30% essay to finish this coming weekend, a bit of linguistics homework here and there, 6 hours of work tomorrow at Torce Financial (RH)… looks like its gonna be quiet the challenge ‘juggling’ my time with everything else.
This past week — has been pretty humbling… men’s cell went alright — Praise God for all of you who prayed for me, EM went alright, I decided not to share — too much unrest in that… and I decided to fill out one of them election forms… sort of just a barrage of confirmation… in awe, because I haven’t been thinking much about next year for CCF, it has sort of been on the back burner… then in my face confirmation wednesday morning prayer meeting..
But really.. I don’t know what to expect. inside i feel fearful, because i look at my life right now… and there is so many parts that God has shown me that I need to change. Age isn’t a factor for sure, but I’m immature (i dont’ know why others think otherwise) — I’m this child who has so much in Him that has yet to be formed. I am weak, I am fearful… yet in Christ I am strong, in Him I have courage — more than a conqueror. Undoubtedly — Satan trying to discourage me and scare me off using my ‘root sin’ — fear.
It’s humbling, slightly disheartening… but definately Humbling. God reminding me that if/when I serve.. its Him, all Him. There is absolutely no way I, perry can do this on my own. I’m quiet, soft spoken, immature, shy, not grounded that well in the Word, still at the very steps in my passage to seek deeper into God. He reminds me, its not what i am, not what i do — but Him abiding in me… *sighs* I feel kind of helpless.
But He is faithful, His Love Endureth Forever, and He pours Himself out on/for me… that I may stand strong, speak boldly, and lead… That in His Spirit I become more closely what He desires fo me…
God has been revealing a lot of sins/areas of my life that I need to entrust in Him & ‘work’ on. Most of this I haven’t really talked about before… but I’m want to be transparent, so bear with me.
*sin*
He’s been showing me more and more lately about just my pride… and my subconscious readyness to weigh everyone down to the little I know about them. I’m struggling with my mentality, my paradigm, my attitude — like just this whole judging thing darn it… It’s subconscious, and feels so out of control… I want to love people, but for some people something just hits me and I feel ‘oh they’re so superficial and bla bla bla bla… and I feel myself already withdrawing… but my attitude needs to be more like Christ — that servant like attitude, humility, humbleness — people say I’m humble and everything, but like No! I’m not! I do little things because it’s so hard for me to do something BIG… I’m prideful, and I so easily take pride when ppl say I’m humble… I need to learn to love… to love people… to stop focussing on what other ppl think of me (or what i think other people think of me).. Audiance of One. Servant of all… Love Him, Love all.
*psychology*
I need so much to change a few things on the mental plane of things, I’ve really gotta grow up… lingering with some childhood fixation, projection (that judging thing), and just emotionally I feel so swayed / moved.. once i get distracted from my focus on God, or i get strained in some of the energies.. my root sin kicks in and suddenly that thing which has come up in front of me… gets all my attention and fear just streams everywhere — and I get stuck on that one thing, get worked up on it… and emotions start spraying everywhere… literally emotional distortion. I need to learn / get a better grasp on my emotions — and use my reasoning instead of my strong emotional side to make decisions / act… much too overbearing — because outbursts of anger result in guilt / regret… and just confusion really… I hurt the ones I love most >.< Cognitive Distortions… *sighs* I suppose in the field of cognitive psychology, my weekly spillage of everything in me — Free Association acts as some sort of therapy? i don’t know.
Just yah… I want/worry about relationships yet — each time when I come together with my thoughts, and reality… i am so broken, so unready…. just want to be lost in Him….