pearbox : undefined

a world broken to pieces.
where the glades are sharp as terror..
a deep remoteness, quiet and desolate
my soul’s endless cry for mercy
and tears stream down in unrest.

where emotions imbued is painstaking strife.
internal sorrow, a wash of crimson blood.
dark clouds form above, drench me in acid
and like glass shattered into a million pieces.
wrecks chaos onto a stressed mind.

chaotic melody.

i wait for you, beloved Saviour.
i die without you.

.in need of rest.

A quick but quite intensive week… a lot of silence from the presence of God, yet also a lot of inspiration into my relationship with God, through devos, them spiritual books, conversations, small group time… and i don’t know. I think He’s teaching me what it means to ’submerge’ into the word.. (from my prayer earlier on from January) He’s definately been teaching me *BOLDNESS* in His Word — to teach/share what He’s revealed to me… and also refute bits of confusion.. a lot of going back to the evangelical tradition.

Like our faith in God often times is like:
me –> ‘emotions’/sensing the Holy Spirit/answered prayers/service/hearing His voice etc.. –> God.

We sort of have faith in God ‘via’ these different things you know? I believe God because He’s real, I sense Him, He speaks to me, He answers me, me transforms my life etc.. etc..

But the question which He’s ‘plopped’ before me is that — alright, perry you’re so passionate/trusting when you see me so blatantly through these different things, but do you really trust me? what if I move those things away?

so that its just me –> God.

Like I haven’t been seeing Him move as blatantly, or hearing His voice as loudly through the Spirit, and I’ve struggled with lust because its REALLY hard to ‘walk in the spirit’ when all sense of Him seems to vanish.. Like fix your eyes upon Jesus and all the things of the world will grow strangely dim… but what if your vision is blurred? and you can see Him but its unclear… then just like idolatry when we lose focus — everything in the world becomes BIG AND BRIGHT!

But what he’s been showing me is sort of that balance. Being submerged into the Spirit is really good! but i need to balance that with the Word too. Like the evangelical tradition keeps ‘Word Centred’ — The Word is what remains unchanging, it is our ONLY solid way of KNOWING God (thanks alex~)

And like in one of my previous posts i was sharing about being bold in that — being bold in the Word of God — and for me its sort of that ‘touchphrase’ — that God has really been pushing me to actively work on. (since i’m shy/introverted/what not).. and like I don’t know — I was compelled to share — at CCF this wednesday, compelled to clarify/’argue’ in Frosh Cell, and give my input for the Aletheia Bible Study… with boldness.. its psychologically draining… away my extroverted ‘energies’ since i rarely use that… its also draining away my intuitive energies which usually use… cause everything is sorta ‘blasting’ out of my subconscious, and most of the time it just spills out…

and it feels good to be bold/authoratative — but there’s that easy trap of letting that ‘feeling’ transform into pride.. so sorta thinking about humility/humblness… y’know? And the thing which sorta pokes at me is that — well if i keep worrying about if i’m being humble and what not is that I’m gonna paralyze myself with fear.

Instead — I need to dig deeper and delve further into my relationship with Jesus, because in Him is the assurance of Salvation, in Him is the ‘Access’ to Relationship. After all we are FREE in LIBERTY!! Yet we subject ourselves to guilt/self-judging if we worry so much about being ‘right or wrong’ when its about realtionship & ultimately knowing God’s heart and doing that

Some stress with all the noise screaming at me for serving right now — AV tomorrow… Men’s Cell prep for Wednesday, possibility of sharing.. serving next year on CCF/Aletheia or whatever else… it feels so extraneous / distracting. And really… the immediate things - AV/Men’s cell things are feeling like a burden.. added with an essay & lecture to finish this weekend… are not doing me much good.. psychologically/spiritual/socially.. sorta thin.

All I really want is to just rest in His embrace, to Know His Heart, to Converse with Him — to not worry, and maybe spend time in mutual edifying conversation with some friends… but whatever…

hms… a song that popped into my mind when i was about to start devos…

*All For You*
Starfield

Nothing compares to, life I have in You.
Nothing of this world satisfies,
So, I want to let go, I want to let You know
All that I have to give is Yours

Here I am, as gold to the fire
I will surrender to Your hand
To this place,
Lord, I have come ready for Your touch

It’s all for You, It’s all for You,
I’m letting go, I’m letting go.

What is it in me, that hangs on for so long?
Why do I fight the tears that come?
I work so hard to, keep in control when,
All that I want is to let go

I’ll take this life, And lay it down,
I’m letting go,I’m letting go.
My hopes and dreams,
Here at Your feet,
I’m letting go, I’m letting go.

And I am ready for Your life,
And I’m ready for You now.

completely drained, and utterly exhausted… seems like extrovertive ‘energy’ has been completely used up… (not used to talking so much) my introverted side seems pretty fragile too… (too much library time)… I think i’m just going to go to bed early tonight… need physical/psychological rest, and spiritual restoration.. mmms..

*in regards to sin.*
Stand fast therefore in the liberty by which Christ has made us free, and do not be entangled again with a yoke of bondage Galatians 5:1 NKJV

To stand in liberty — freedom means that we are not controlled/oppressed by ‘a yoke of bondage’ the law, which brings condemnation. Instead there is no condemnation for those in Christ (Romans 8:1) Not to say one doesn’t sin, but that one has the choice to submit to sin or not. More, if one falls/submits to sin — its consequences no longer control Him. Yes — there is guilt, and there are consequences but the individual is still free. Not to say one can go sin on and on, but that one’s life is not in bondage — thus one’s faith, relationship, confidence isn’t shattered, but instead one has been redeemed to pursueing more — to keep going, keep running!

*calling and service?*
A few things which have sorta come up on my heart / mind… but feel somewhat uncertain upon… mostly in regards to next year

a) Serving next year at YCCF.
b) Serving next year at Aletheia.
c) Testimony next week at YCCF.

So yeah — for those who know a bit more about whats been going on, i’ve been withdrawing from a lot of areas of service — just to focus on areas of spiritual gifts and seek God’s heart to what he wants to develop/train in me… and my few spiritual gifts that have sorta come up — are pastoring / prayer / service, and lately he’s put a burden in my heart to seek Him deeper in the Word. to get firmly grounded… so i don’t quite know in ‘what’ God would like me to serve in…

here’s the dilemma
YCCF - its where my heart is, my new found ‘home.’ Yes you can rebuke me and say that my home fellowship should be my home, and don’t get me wrong it is — but YCCF its where God has met with me, where I’ve been challenged and have found so much inspiration… hms… I want to serve. of course i don’t know *what* to serve in, and there’s that election thing.. and ultimately its God’s leading, His sovereign election & calling.

Aletheia - home church fellowship, where i want so much for God to happen and be revealed… this past year’s source of much heartbreak… yet as new wind picks up — things seem to be turning… I could serve… and think i might be asked to serve — but its not really a place that i have much passion for… if i serve.. i want to do discipleship… which i am doing well in the form of mentorship already for Hosanna (the younger fellowship)

the question of — letting others step up, the question of caring for the need yet it would be prideful to think that Aletheia needs me, cause really God doesn’t need anyone, and definately not me to do anything at all… but still its on my heart — but thus far my conviction has been something along the lines of just developing relationships / doing little serving things… hms.. more seeking…

Similar question — Kat asked if i wanted to do something for next week — song / skit / sharing… and we all know perry is quite inadequate for the first 2, but sharing — testimony and what not… i’m not really a good speaker but that never stopped anyone that God annointed… so the questions sits to — is it something that God wants me to do, and if so what is it that he wants me to speak about?

Testimony sits in a few sections right now
a) Conversion - battle with addiction/depression
b) SARS - His sovereign grace
c) Relationship Seeking

so hms… thinking… praying.. seeking.
plz pray for wisdom/discernment/depth with Him

*yawns* good night

Now when the people saw that Moses *delayed coming* down from the mountain, the people gathered together to Aaron, and said to him,

“Come, make us gods that shall go before us; for as for this Moses, the man who brought us up out of the land of Egypt, we do not know what has become of him.”

And he [Aaron] received the gold from their hand, and he fashioned it with an engraving tool, and made a molded calf. Then they said,

“This is your god, O Israel, that brought you out of the land of Egypt!”

So when Aaron saw it, he built an altar before it. Then they rose early on the next day, offered burnt offerings, and brought peace offerings; and the people sat down to eat and drink, and rose up to play.

And the LORD said to Moses,
“Go, get down! For your people whom you brought out of the land of Egypt have *corrupted themselves.* They have *turned aside quickly* out of the way which I commanded them.

They have *made* themselves a molded calf, and *worshiped it* and *sacrificed to it*, and said, ‘This is your god, O Israel, that brought you out of the land of Egypt!’” And the LORD said to Moses,

“I have seen this people, and indeed it is a stiff-necked people!
Now therefore, let Me alone, that My wrath may burn hot against them and I may consume them.

is my faith so weak? that i fall in so short a wait?

Galatians 5:16
I say then: Walk in the Spirit, and you shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh.

*Create In Me A Clean Heart*
Andy Gilbert

Create in me a clean heart oh God
And renew a right spirit within me
Create in me a clean heart oh God
And renew a right spirit within me

Cast me not away from thy presence oh Lord
Take not thy Holy Spirit from me
Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation
And renew a right spirit within me

mmms… spirituality.
spiritual lonliness, dryness, dry desertland… when passion/love though high.. prayers begin to wane… and frustration with just — how I want to grow so much deeper with God, but everything seems so quiet — seeking Him hard… but coming out empty?

just some reflection — on my post from last wednesday, and just feeling really really out of it, frustrated… discontent, yearning..

Last night when i was packing up — I found one of the 5 books I have been trying to get around reading lying on my desk — Richard Foster’s Prayer: Finding The Heart’s True Home. (one of the many ‘good books’ my dad has recommended me to read, and also one of the few that I actually decided to pick up) and was just reading it on the VIVA ride back home… and I found something rather interesting in the 2nd chapter.

*Chapter 2, Prayer of the Forsaken*
This chapter really spoke out LOUD to me… cause it basically described what I’ve been going through and put it out in a kind gentle manner the spiritual truth — that sits right in front of me.
*A few things which stood out:*
“God grants us perfect freedom because he chooses creatures who freely choose to be in relationship with him. Through the prayer of the forsaken we are learning to give to God the same freedom. Relationships of this can can never be manipulated or forced.” (Foster 20)

St. John of the Cross: Two Purifications occur in ‘the dark night of the soul’
1. “… stripping us of dependence upon exterior results” (Foster 22)
2. “… stripping us upon interior results.” (Foster 23)

This part was really inspiring cause it spoke pretty much directly on my own experiences of — being stripped on the dependence of serving, and all the ‘doing’ of stuff; to bare nothing where He spurred me to seek Him more in relationship.

Further — the stripping of interior results, sorta like that internal warmth, the assurance of His presence, that acute sensitivity to His Spirit… which leaves and is leaving me — in a slight haze of doubt to
“We discover that the workings of faith, hope and love become themselves subject to doubt. Our personjal motivations become suspect. We worry whether this act or thought is inspired by fear, vanity and arrogance rather than faith, hope, and love. (Foster 23)

Assurance however comes from — our Faith in Him, His Character!
so despite the overshadowing clouds, and seemingly dryness — I have the assurance whether I ’sense’ Him or not.
“Hunger itself is prayer” (Foster, 14)
“The Lord loves us - perhaps most of all - when we fail and try again” - Emilie Griffin.

On top of that — I was reading Acts 11 — and at the end of the chapter it talks about prophets going to Antioch warning the church there that there was going to be a great famine — and that the disciples each according to their own ability were determined to send relief to their brethren.

Didn’t quite connect till I read it just now — but before those dry times hit — its like God has already prepared and equipped the brothers / sisters to send relief!

Comforting Peace.

Schoolwise: Essays coming up at full force — so might have less chance to post… regardless, i’ve got a few things i want to write about. a) The Problem of Psychology (in regards to a relationship with Jesus) b) Symbology | Galatians: Why did Jesus have to die on the cross for us?

*special thanks:*
Joeie - many prayers / emails / calls — God’s presence tho somewhat hidden, manifests His Love so vividly in you Jeff Pak - friendship in abundance — you are so kwlz bud!
Karmel/Shirley - general encouragement, friendship, reading my long rants… *cheers*

*special prayer requests*
Gabes - my heart goes out to you — *tear*
Adwin - school blues.
Kinson - Alvin’s friend who he was evangelizing to

Today when i went outside to pick my sister up from her chinese classes, the sun was shining out really brightly, and the sky was just a vast ocean of blue — so relaxing, a light breeze… just cooling, peaceful weather. beautiful. reminds me of spring, when the flowers start budding… and little blossoms peek their colours out from under the greenery. mms… didn’t realize i missed spring so much…

anyways — friday was a pretty up and down day, got sometime to get away from the mass of busyness and school and i guess just be quiet and think, contemplate, read my bible… but mostly just to chilled out w/ God in the morning…. and that was really awesome! likewise this morning/afternoon was really really awesome –

just that longing/desperation– holding forth and finally burst into the sunlight — finally hear His voice, and to be found in His embrace, His overwhelming love and everything… beautiful imagery that camillie mentioned ‘basking in his presence’ hehe so cheery and happy! like those sappy love scenes where two lovers/close friends/family members have been seperated and and run at each other from opposites sides lol er… ok not that corny, but the underlying emotion of anticipation — and *finally* after all that wait once again together again..

*tehe!*

some imagery that sorta came up… when I was praying friday morning was that of a flower.. how as flowers… are made to be beautiful and they’re always reaching up towards the sun — the warmth / light / photosynthesis / vitaminE O.o etc.. sorta like us how we’re always trying to do this and that and stretch out to receive more and more of God’s love, His grace and faithfulness yet… the vanity lies in that a flower however beautiful, smelly, attractive or whatever it might be — its got no power on its own to grow. to grow — it relies on the stomates and chlorophyll chloroplasts, oxygen, water, nitrogen (mm.. bio) and it just absorbs from its environment. its ’stretching’ and turning towards the sun — but thats it… its God that provides the nutrients, and ultimately a flower can grow so tall and so big but it’ll never reach the sun — rather the sun in its natural splendor ‘reaches out’ and in that takes hold of the flower — and bathes it in its light, in its warmth — so that it can live; and by live — continue to grow toward the sun
sorta like what Joeie was talking/writing — when growth seems slow, we gotta remember that God is all the more pursueing us!! yum.. Jesus as the great romancer for His bride.. ahh sappy!!

but yeah… I’ve been reading Acts lately and sorta not really getting much, but just contemplating now — God has been speaking to me implicitly (as usual) sorta poking at different things through the people i talk to, through thoughts that come to mind and everything… and growth..

growth is what gets you from point A to point B in some sense — like a little kid who says “mommy! mommy! when i grow up i want to be a fireman” to point — grow *up* (age/size) for the object of being a fireman… similar flower analogy — ‘reach for the sky devry’ mm..

I want to grow… deeper in God.. I want to be wrapped in His Spirit, to be grounded in His Word… and my life — i want to do great things for God… to give it to Him, hms.. how? missions… pastoring… ministry…. all up there somewhere — but the growth now; drawing from the nutrients that God has provided pushes to soemthing in particular whatever that “great thing” is.

so back to Acts — was reading about them Apostles… and how after Jesus leaves the scene He equips them, not just with the ‘powers’ / spiritual gifts for evangelism & outreach but like gifts — authority *boldness* (Acts 4:23-31) last verse saying — … they were all filled with the Hol Spirit, and they spoke the word of God with *boldness*

Likewise — for Saul, Ananias goes to Him to let him receive His sight back and to be *filled by the Holy Spirit* — and he goes out and preaches boldly immediately (9:28)

boldness.. what is boldness? I’m often the little perry who shys around people — not really saying much (i’m an introvert got nothing to say!)… and unless in Church.. i’m not quite bold in what i say.. so what is this boldness?

my understanding — boldness is confidence… and confidence is being so familiar with material or so close to something that you don’t have to worry about being wrong because you know it. you know all about it… you’ve mastered it in essence.

Like those sales people at malls and stuff — who keep pestering you about buying this and that and random necessesities. y’know? those kids are bold — they’re bold! (aside from the fact they’re probably all on comission) its because they KNOW their stuff. They are confident. They are sure of what to say — just like them apostles, they’ve seen Jesus and by the authority that indwells them — The Holy Spirit, they are sure of what they say, and speak with boldness! and like anytime they are ready to speak it.

Here’s a really pretty verse that somehow got stuck in my subconscious when i was going through NT:

*Colossians 4:6* NKJV
Let your speech always be with grace, seasoned with salt, that you may know how you ought to answer each one.

Boldness in His Word. Confidence in His Spirit. Readynesss to Obey.

mm… but absolutely the most important — Draw Near To Him!!

*There Is None Like You*
Lenny LeBlanc

There is none like You
No one else can touch
My heart like You do
I could search
For all eternity long and find
There is none like You

Your mercy flows like a river wide
And healing comes from Your hands
Suffering children are safe in Your arms
There is none like You

*special thanks* for those of you who prayed / called / encouraged me

*Faith–*
Desperation
Expectancy
Prayer


*Reflection*
mms…. I’ve been pretty depressed lately… subconsciously depressed — just absolutely drained spiritually, physically, emotionally, socially in everything — and it seems so hard to just come before God as who i am… and talk, to listen… its like my passion has gone cold, i haven’t been keeping Him at the forefront — each day i think less and less of Him… and inside my depth of hunger and longing and yearning grows and grows… till today where i wanted to just hide in scott library and cry to myself… course there were ppl there and i had to read psych… just internal tears. *sighs* so helpless, so in need of Jesus — yet not seeing, not hearing, not sensing his presence. blind — just blind. except by the faith that God is here holding me in his embrace.. however blind i maybe.

prayer meeting was pretty good, got to share with kat/camillie stuff on my heart, struggles and that great drainage thats been churning inside of me

Joint program with KCF, KCC, YWAM - speaker - Pastor Paul from Westside Presbyterian (kor) and God spoke so loudly to me… i’ve been like those helium balloons y’know wanting so much to go higher and higher — yet i’ve been letting my passion dry… for a while i’ve become distracted by lesser things — tv / thoughts of relationships / hwk — and just hitting rock bottom and stuffs y’know?

but God is *all* that I need. He fills *everything.*
He is the great romancer, the great lover, the wellspring of life..

good reminder — I need to continually seek Him, desperately seek Him with expectation — even when everything seems bleak y’know? God is speaking loudly — i might be blind like those blind men in Matthew — but likewise I neeed to seek with all my heart mind and strength, let emotion burn with need for Him!

there is no stop this pursuit — so must go further — deeper
more of You, and less of me!

starting prayer meetings w/ Raineer, Mavis, Sarah Lee again Wednesday 9:00/9:30-10:30 @ CCF Office