pearbox : undefined

summer days… where time is long forgotten, and everything just seems to flicker by really quickly… its like there is no time, and everything is streamed into one long misty line — of major events connected by a cloud of forgetfulness.. pretty unmotivated to really do much - like get a job, work on web stuff, read the spiritual books i’ve committed to reading this summer… or even the psychological / biogrpahies i wanted to get on reading… quite slothenly indeed!

So anyways — today one of the few days I actually pulled out of my lazy mask of undoing, and got around to dropping a few more resumes, adding to the count that I dropped earlier on.

*So far I’ve dropped resumes at:*
Shoppers Drug Mart (3)
The Shoe Company (2)
Second Cup (2)
Coles (2)
Staples (2)
Boston Pizza (2)
Rogers Video (1)
Mr. Sub (1)
Chapters (1)
T&T (1)
Tiger Direct (1)
Roots (1)
Sears (1)
Eddie Bauer (1)
Starbucks (1)
Japan Camera (1)
Frankie Tomatoes (1)
Gap/Old Navy (1)
Best Buy (1)
Yogun Fruz (1)
Canada Tire (1)
Good Shepherd Day Care (1)
& perhaps a few others i can’t really think of any..

And of all of that I have thus far got zero responces back, somewhat disheartening, but bla… God has His own special planning, He is THE SOVEREIGN GOD! and hey — I look around I see most of my friends have summer arrangements somehow and its beautiful — out of no where they get a call, or someone gives them some connections, they don’t really do much — but God has everything planned, everything arranged. *Set and Done.*

Like good old *Ephesians 2:10* (NIV) says –
For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

special emphasis on the *do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do*

Really my prayer/want this summer is to go deeper into His Word / Spirit, so in a sense I’m not too sure if God wants me to work — but just like the rythmic adage that i follow for school ‘do your best and God will do the rest’ —

There’s also that NYCBC thing that Nathan said might be opened — 2 months of Summer Camp, quite interesting.. so we’ll see. we’ll see.

YCCF Leadership Retreat coming up this weekend so really I just want to push that stuff aside and get to what is most important drawing closer to Jesus — His consumate Love!
Furthermore I still have that web stuff i really need to finish.. so I guess all in His timing, all in His plan. all God’s sovereignty! No other way. — meanwhilst I guess its back to battling the forces of darkness in the realms of temptation, slotheness, distraction, and liscentious (excessive/lacking in discipline) living.

*smiles* I haven’t blogged in quite a whilst, but its good to be back! sorry to those of you who’ve browsed to my site and found none of the usual updates… its hard to say why i haven’t blogged but its probably a mix of different things.. Spring/Summer break has started, and most of my life has simplified to a very spontaneous existance at home, without much inspiration to seek more, and really contemplate, read or even write about the spiritual, philosophical, eventful and so on things… life as existance, atleast for the last week has been pretty unproductive and uninspiring.

Mostly just staying up late, chatting with friends, a bit of gaming, reading lots of tech journals that i stopped reading back in November… Lots of distractions, lots of living in excess (self-indulgence), and struggling to once again awake to reality… and live life as it truly is — instead of in the illusion of self desire…

But yeah I guess in midst of this past week of distractedness, and really phasing out of it all… quite a few things have been on my mind to write about…, which I’ll try to write bit and pieces of in the coming few days/weeks — but I’ll try to update more
*Time* (this is kind of random, its more reflection/understanding simple facts & novlty– ok its kind aboring)
Something thats been on my mind during my period of indulgence is really just the notion of time… as it relates to us, and the world which we live in. From a conscious perspective — our minds, our existance — we exist only in the ‘present.’ I am conscious of this very moment that I’m typing this character — but not the one before, nor the one after. I think but only at one specific point in time.

Spiritually its the same. the notion of existance is that point in time which touches heaven. So when we pray — we pray in the now - and that goes to a eternal God who exists in all ’spheres’ of time — thus His hand has already prearranged things before, and allowed things to happen after.

Likewise in Jesus’ teaching — He teaches us not to worry because we won’t be able to add another day to the future/our lives. You live in today, the now — if you worry, you are allowing your mind to fixate on the future… thus inhibiting you to live — a principle of the present. Similarly… regret behaves in the same way, instead of a fixation on the future, it fixates on the past, and likewise you become lost to the present.

Time.. the human made social construct to describe ‘change’

Its funny - in Psychology, the ways of coping with stress are usually to escape one’s consciousness of time, e.g. compensation, and stuff… lazyness — its all about doing anything but work so that you lose track of time, and ‘waste it’ yet in working — there’s this over emphasis in time like “oh man i’ve been studying for x hours” i deserve a break etc etc.. ”

for me — this past week has been total unconsciousness to the time, or ‘change’ because everything is just the same… no work, not much change in environment or events… and everything just drags by — and i get nothing done :p

its almost like — time, or the semantic ‘change’ is what matters. The irony i suppose is that we live at one point so we never really exist in the state of ‘change’ rather we move along side it…

Sorta like a relationship with God– at each point we can feel we are maybe so good, or so distant… yet really thats only a small part of our walk with Him. He’s infinite, thus the aspect of ‘relationship’ should be infinite… so even though we sin against Him say yesterday — we can move on because it doesn’t matter so much to the relationship — in basic terms its like you’re one of my close friends and you do something to get me angry at you. I might be angry at that one point — but the relationship remains constant in a sense. because ‘relationship’ isn’t tied to time, it exists over a period of time — functions within the bounds of time… but what can you say? you’re not in a good relationship with me just because for that one point i’m angry? hms… or perhaps linguistically that betrays the whole thing…

but i dunno.. the concept of ‘change’ is quite novel… like reading them tech news journals — can see the ‘birth’ of everyone’s favorite music player the ipod — and how big and bulky it is, dismal popularity till it takes the world by storm… and now its everywhere… almost everyone has one (unfortunately)… its a wonder… to follow they made a lot of mistakes formulating their ’successful’ player… like the easy to scratch display on the nano etc… but despite those little mistakes — we would still say its a hugely successful product & cash cow… so like wahts up with that? is it that i am in the relative future — that i can say that? seeing the ‘bigger picture’ or is it just… i don’t know existance..

haha that was really confusing, i don’t think i really made seuse… but hope you got something out of that… other than a headache.. too much philosophical crazyness.

here comes summer melody
can you hear it ring?
with smallish jingles, and a loud ka-ching!

randomness..

today was a bright and fun day.. started off in a drag but quickly brightened up after a short fun phone call, a few random messages and a last minute get together with Nathan all in the name of good times and getting back into the field and season of summer, times care free, relaxed enjoyment — nostalgia, memories, & cheer. They just never get old.

A few really cool things to think about and that is — looking high and low for those pesky little creatures known as summer jobs, whilst typing up cover letters, resumes, and filling out application forms all in great volume to increase the probability of getting a job.. Rather fun and straight forward, especially for a desperate university student who needs to get some funds to pay off tuition, books, and transportation for the next year. That is — fun until you realize you printed the wrong resume :p whic his what happened to me yesterday when i was dropping them resumes at half a dozen locations until i noticed.. “oh look! my objective says something about good shepherd day care..” oops haha quite the narsty, confused, ‘i don’t know what to do’ but meh, God is faithful, gracious, and calls us to be faithful and NOT successful. He is sovereign, and regardless of all the big screw ups we make — He perfects them in His time, in His way — beyond all imagination/hope/prayer.

Some interesting stuff tho — just going to the mall again, felt a little pull to go to some other stores which i wouldn’t have gone to like Eddie Bauer, Japan Camera, and what not and found really friendly people so perhaps my mistake might be something else…, its fun tho to feel embarressed about messing up a resume and going back asking them to change it — really humbling and at the end of the day — it helps me think clearer about what i’m getting myself into, how i am no longer just a child — but rather a fully autonomous adult, with a bubbling future, full of potential and all that fun self confidence stuff. I gotta be assertive, confident in who I am in Christ — and breath prayers are really helpful, so are ‘prayer songs’ and just going off spilling of what the Holy Spirit wants me to sing.. and listening to myself — self edifying.. & comforting… gets me to think… about one of Raineer’s prayers about releasing ‘prophesy’ and stuff… meh,

speaking of which I’ve been subconsciously contemplating a lot on my future, about what God wants me to do, the gifts he’s given me… direction… what to do now.. and like what am i doing now to get towards this ‘goal,’ do i really want to apply to all these stores and get a job? should i stay at this church? should i go to another church which might help me grow more in Spirit & foster them charismatic gifts? since its gotta be that balance between Word & Spirit. Occaisionally I think about Seminary, since one of my friends plans to go in 2007 — and i’m thinking… masters of divinity? theology? and all those other ones they have… do i see myself a missionary like pastoring? tent making? i dunno… i like the idea of church planting and what not.. but then i don’t even know ‘where’ yet.. all in the air… all out of reach

besides there’s so much God has to iron out of my character right now — like i was talking to one of my friends about guys, and what girls like and stuff — and you know, girls somehow really like those guys that treat them kinda crappy, and the nice ones are sorta meh– they’re less interesting.. and was thinking just why is that? And I think its a bit of both sides, the girls’ maturity, requirement, chemistry, etc etc. and also they want like a protecter y’know? someone who has confidence, is decisive, knows what to do — some one who they can rely on and everything.

And like in our post modern / feminist society, guys are *generally* brought up as relatively passive, not much opinion, games/cars, y’know :p stereotypes. Girls are brought up with much more expectations / oppertunity because of the feminist movement — i mean like just look at media — girls kick butt — mainly guy butt :p, guys still have the usual thing — but thats overplayed, there’s no “wow” special ordeal — besides i think guys (i think) generally like to see that — so thats popular with both sides.. and so on and so forth. so you generally don’t have many assertive guys out htere — those who are assertive are usually bold, decisive because they’re either mature :D, or just ‘jerks’ who get their confidence from putting people down, or whatever. of course there are those really nice guys, who treat ppl (and girls) well… but they fall into the former category usually of not being as assertive / bold and waht not

Whereas in Christian circles –

*Timothy 6:10 NIV*
But you, man of God, flee from all this, and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance and gentleness.

A Godly man is sorta “both” in the sense where he has a position, and stands firm, he is bold and assertive — he is a leader, but His confidence/authority is in Christ, He treats people well because Christ loved Him first, and in Godliness & Faith — treats everyone with that glowing love — sort of that mix of assertiveness + godliness — but its rooted firmly into just God and His unfathomable love so its like wooo! HOT COMMODITY!

so yah — just in that not so much to find a girlfriend and stuff — but just me needing God’s further craftsmanship because i definately lack in both areas — to learn to love in more than just action, or word — but to find more ways to love purely in a Godly manner — and definately assertiveness, and boldness in Him…

then there’s so much more of just needing to go deep in Him, and to grow so much more — discipline, faithfulness, understanding… just so very much…

So i really don’t know — this summer I really really want to go deep into both the Spirit AND the Word — i want to grow deeper and deeper and deeper… so I wonder if i should get a job — or if i should just chillax it… still seeking direction in that..

so yeah… fun fun.

I haven’t had much of a chance to blog in the last week or so, lots of busyness scattered here and there — Easter drama tickets, random family errands, family friend dinners… different little things pulling me a part in every direction… quite the drain, feeling somewhat lost & confused… overwhelmed to say the least.

One of the things on my mind is this little bit of doubt thats been floating in my mind in regards to experiencing God verses some sort of ‘figment of my imagination’ or ‘emotions’ or some kind of psychologically induced construct which I attribute “God” to — e.g. tears, passion, seeking, prayer… et cetera… and yes like its totally an old argument but its been this distracting thing in my worship, quiet time etcetera.. not so much that I doubt God, but I wonder at my experience of God… Do I make my own spiritual experience?

I dismissed this question earlier with the conclusion that — being in silence, listening to Christian music, going to concerts, or just praying in a group — doesn’t disprove your ‘experience’ of God any more than if you and that particular person you’ve set your heart on went to a candle night dinner, walked along the beach as warm evening air swished past. It isn’t so much a fantasy induced by your surroudings, than it is the environment which fosters a particular growth in your relationship with Him. You could take your special someone out to a busy market place thats full of people, cars, and other racket and you’d still be with that person except you might not hear him/her.

Similarly, just because I experience God emotionally doesn’t mean that it is psychologically induced. Just like the Turing test — where computers emulate computer language and are interfaced with a human who chats with it and tries to determine if it is a human or a computer ont the other end. Just because the computer expresses ‘language’ on the monitor - in correspondence to the questions you ask it doesn’t mean it has a mind, it can be simply input/output, with no semantic process what so ever.. Just because it expresses itself in a particular way — doesnt mean that expression is the cause of it.

I’m not too sure where I’m going with this… because to me it really hard to really wrap my mind around it — but I guess I’ll stop there — and if you’d like you can throw in your ideas — i’d be interested to know what you think… Philosophy is the intellectual search for reason, the ‘truth.’ Faith is wholehearted submission to the Truth, it doesn’t seek to understand completely just to be held closely.

Intellectual rant aside — I guess most of why that thing has been bugging me is that lately i feel somewhat distant… I feel fear quietly wrapping her sleeves around me - ‘oh you’re not going to get an answer,’ ‘you won’t find God’ etc.. etc.. all these lies which Satan is trying to throw at me to diffuse my attention.. and distort the abundance that God has before me when i meet with Him. Its really draining because I wonder if I am hearing/experiencing God — then other times when i think i hear him i fall into ‘did i really hear him’ like ah! Satan get out of my face!

Its rather disheartening… I wonder if God hears in my distress, confusion… I know He does.. just… doubts.

A month or so ago I was reading this little excerpt from Richard Foster in Prayer, regarding the spiritual season of winter —

As the leaves drop, one by one all of the irregularities and defects of the tree are exposed. The imperfections are always there, of course but they have been hidden from my view by an emerald blanket. Now however, it is denuded and desolate, and I can see its real condition. Winter preserves and strengthens a tree. Rather than expending its strength on the exterior surface, its sap is forced deeper and deeper into its interior depth. In winter a tougher, more resilient life is firmly established. Winter is necessary for the tree to survive and flourish…

Its simple and beautiful, a powerful image — and I sorta feel that way, albeit I think God is still speaking, I’m pretty sure that I still sense his presence everything just seems less vivid, bright… a tad bit uncertain… leaving me feeling rather unnerved, broken, flustered…

Another thing that might add to that — is just i guess school ending, and getting back on the church scene sorta… yet feeling awfully out of place in a sense… like take Easter Drama for instance, I went to do ticket sales and prayer and what not… and I’m just really encouraged by everyone’s depth & love for God, like ha! i love my Church because the people Love Him so much — and you rarely see it in such a proportion when in fellowship… they’re doing all these different things, all together united in His name. its awesome! so why do i feel out of place? Its just I was there, i used to be like that — and then God pushed me out a bit more into something i can barely describe… and I wonder at my place now? Cause I’m in no way ‘above’ serving, but nor do I want to just go into whatever i’m asked… instead i want to seek Him deeper and find His will… and the gifts that he gave me so i dunno.. ticket sales was interesting I guess, prayer meeting during the first night was awesoome… but at lengths I’m not sure what to do…

CCF - still praying for God’s guidiance, for dicernment and depth — still not too sure what he might want for me this coming school year…

everything dependent on Him. Confusion & lies that try to remove me from Him — that constant seeking…

I’m Happy. Joyous Content. Delightful. Cheerful. Delectable. Inside I’m all smiles. Not just because school and exams are over — but because I am free. Not from the ‘enslavement of school and work’ no I love school, and I’m going to miss York for the 5 months I’m away… More, I feel happy because I am free. I am free from the distraction of busyness, the rush of obligation, the indulgence in the lesser elements to find refuge from the overwhelming imbalance caused by anxiety, stress, worry. Instead of being an “internet junkie” to offset the balance — I ‘can’ now return to the wellspring of life… and instead of rocks taste the living bread… to be filled with truth, love, and the reality which lies beyond the immediate conscious.

Like this exam period has been just an uproar… spiritually feel myself– not so much being ‘tossed around’ but running off to dark corners to escape, to hide — leaving myself broken, confused, and feeling distant; the sins of idolatry, gluttony, lust, those actions which result from rage, pride, rudeness… and just once again subjecting myself to the law… when in all fact I am free. To lose sight of my beloved saviour, to lose sight of my precious father — that overshadowing fear & doubt to reality… rather distasteful, as we’ve all felt, after knowing to do one thing and when daddy turns around we run off and do that very thing — in our minds thinking ‘but daddy doesn’t want me to do this’ then dissonance (conflict between behaviour and attitude) and we push our own conscious aside, we hush the Holy Spirit’s motherly beckons…. and fold our hearts together inward, into a dark enclosed curtain — where the unspeakables, shameful, dark plight occurs. *sin.*

Yet as we break those bonds which were once nailed to the cross, and once again declare His sovereignty we come into that greater realization again. Our hearts are drenched in cleansing blood — our fear, temptations, darkness is shaken out –once again lain down plain, and bare and bathed in sunlight… as those minor microscoping points of darkness become consumed in the Holy Spirit — our lesser points; our points, being burned away as white sunlight glares back like snow in the winter…

analogy aside — i’ve just been so distracted, and although my exams/essay went well (i think), I’ve compromised — and lost sight of Him if only for a moment; i still lost sight of Him. to this:

*Galatians 4:6-7* NKJV
And because you are sons, God has sent forth the Spirit of His Son into your hearts, crying “Abba, Father!” Therefore you are no longer a slave but a son, and if a son, then an heir of God through Christ.

*smiles* freedom, true freedom is to be reconciled with Christ, to once again break past those things which enslave you and turn your mind into thinking that following His Will is ‘hard’ and ‘enslaving.’ instead to realize that the law has no rule over you, there is no condemnation, as a child does wrong and servants teach/rebuke him/her; but there is relationship… mistakes inevitable but that continual want to edify, to serve, to worship, to love — to go deeper in intimacy, knowledge, Word, Spirit, Understanding… to be consummated into His love, altogether as one body, as one bride. Us - His beloved.

-*Mind Brain and Self* Mon, 3 April 2006 16:00 180 R203-
-*Culture and Society in East Asia* Fri, 7 Apr 2006 14:00 180 CSE C-
-*Introduction to Linguistics* Sat, 8 Apr 2006 14:30 150 SLH A, SLH B, SLH F-
-*Introduction to Psychology* Wed, 12 Apr 2006 9:00 120 ACW 004, ACW 005, ACW 006, ACW 109-

-Humanities essay yet to be written due on the 6th… heh (screwed *cough*)-

otherwise — it shouldn’t be that bad, just have to have to finish the essay by tuesday night!!

*edit:* 11 hours in the library! woot Essay is DONE!!
(i actually went to the college late… like 2 hours after it closed, but the staff was just getting out so this lady let me in because ‘i’m cute’ hrm… ^_~ except.. she for age gap which be O.o but *cheers*)

spiritually/emotionally/physically — pretty shaken & beat up… a lot of messed priorities, attacks, distractions, distortion, noise, imbalance here and there…. psychologically i feel pretty warped.. but yah plz pray for me~ thanks.

*Romans 8:31-38* NKJV
*God’s Everlasting Love*
31 What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32 He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how shall He not with Him also freely give us all things? 33 Who shall bring a charge against God’s elect? It is God who justifies. 34 Who is he who condemns? It is Christ who died, and furthermore is also risen, who is even at the right hand of God, who also makes intercession for us. 35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? 36 As it is written: “ For Your sake we are killed all day long; We are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.”
37 Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. 38 For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come,