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I’m Happy. Joyous Content. Delightful. Cheerful. Delectable. Inside I’m all smiles. Not just because school and exams are over — but because I am free. Not from the ‘enslavement of school and work’ no I love school, and I’m going to miss York for the 5 months I’m away… More, I feel happy because I am free. I am free from the distraction of busyness, the rush of obligation, the indulgence in the lesser elements to find refuge from the overwhelming imbalance caused by anxiety, stress, worry. Instead of being an “internet junkie” to offset the balance — I ‘can’ now return to the wellspring of life… and instead of rocks taste the living bread… to be filled with truth, love, and the reality which lies beyond the immediate conscious.

Like this exam period has been just an uproar… spiritually feel myself– not so much being ‘tossed around’ but running off to dark corners to escape, to hide — leaving myself broken, confused, and feeling distant; the sins of idolatry, gluttony, lust, those actions which result from rage, pride, rudeness… and just once again subjecting myself to the law… when in all fact I am free. To lose sight of my beloved saviour, to lose sight of my precious father — that overshadowing fear & doubt to reality… rather distasteful, as we’ve all felt, after knowing to do one thing and when daddy turns around we run off and do that very thing — in our minds thinking ‘but daddy doesn’t want me to do this’ then dissonance (conflict between behaviour and attitude) and we push our own conscious aside, we hush the Holy Spirit’s motherly beckons…. and fold our hearts together inward, into a dark enclosed curtain — where the unspeakables, shameful, dark plight occurs. *sin.*

Yet as we break those bonds which were once nailed to the cross, and once again declare His sovereignty we come into that greater realization again. Our hearts are drenched in cleansing blood — our fear, temptations, darkness is shaken out –once again lain down plain, and bare and bathed in sunlight… as those minor microscoping points of darkness become consumed in the Holy Spirit — our lesser points; our points, being burned away as white sunlight glares back like snow in the winter…

analogy aside — i’ve just been so distracted, and although my exams/essay went well (i think), I’ve compromised — and lost sight of Him if only for a moment; i still lost sight of Him. to this:

*Galatians 4:6-7* NKJV
And because you are sons, God has sent forth the Spirit of His Son into your hearts, crying “Abba, Father!” Therefore you are no longer a slave but a son, and if a son, then an heir of God through Christ.

*smiles* freedom, true freedom is to be reconciled with Christ, to once again break past those things which enslave you and turn your mind into thinking that following His Will is ‘hard’ and ‘enslaving.’ instead to realize that the law has no rule over you, there is no condemnation, as a child does wrong and servants teach/rebuke him/her; but there is relationship… mistakes inevitable but that continual want to edify, to serve, to worship, to love — to go deeper in intimacy, knowledge, Word, Spirit, Understanding… to be consummated into His love, altogether as one body, as one bride. Us - His beloved.