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CC 2006 at Trent University… hms.. I’m having quite a bit of trouble getting “into” writing this entry… a lot has happened, quite a few spiritual lessons, and insights but for some reason I don’t feel into the ‘writing’ mentality, or atleast that inspirational movement from semantic thought to written linguistic diction seems to be slightly hindered by the bits of emotions that are clouding the subconscious and the bit of noise, stress caused by the environment.., and bits of excitement as to what God has been doing, will be doing soon through me in the near future (i’ll explain later).
Lets see — I guess going into CC, you can sort of trace through my previous blog entry, spiritually — I was sort of on a rebound. Waking up — and realizing that dude I’ve just been living a life of idolatry, compromise, a child fallen from grace.. but having been awoken I began to see that I needed true bread — Jesus, the Bread of Life! Rather than the bread of this world, sin, idolatry, and vanity.
So yah going into CC, I was awake to reality, starting to break past the idolatry, my heart was still kind of hard because its been malnurished, and I haven’t been adequately feeding myself.. so spiritually lots of yearning to be in Christ, but physically lack the patience, the want, to go do that — quite the battle on wednesday.. to say the very least. But still, thursday rolls around and there’s improvement more thirsting and hungering… and basically left for CC at 2:30ish in the afternoon, getting to Peterborough around 5.
Getting to Campus Challenge and Trent, I didn’t really know what to expect. Its my first time, and God has been showing me lately at other conferences — like JMC & Passion Toronto 05, that conferences and things are good, but its not the conferences that are going to change you. Other than being an event that provides different people to talk to, workshops, and other intellectual ”equipment’, events themselves are relatively empty in terms of content, and things that spur you to grow. If you’re expecting to get some amazing revelation, super spiritual experience, or ‘life change’ by going to a conference or whatever — you’re not going to get too much personally i think. Yes you’ll get to widen your worldview/awareness, and yes you’ll probably get an amazing spiritual or emotional experience during worship, maybe even some thought provoking, heart convicting ‘thing’ but thats ultimately not the point. Its not about what you ‘get’ but rather what God says to you when you meet with Him. — so yah, wasn’t really expecting much in the way of ‘experience’~ more just seeking to meet with God and taste him, to be in His embrace and be renewed in my thirst for Him.
First day (Friday) of CC was pretty interesting — schedule is pretty jammed packed, there’s a lot of people (approx 170) from campuses all across Ontario + 1 from UBC & Alberta, so that was kind of cool. 4 different social circles that were interweaved throughout the whole thing — YCCF, Jaffray, highschool/junior high, small group with Joshua Wang, and i guess miscellanious acquaintences i’ve seen or talked to or met once in a while… Ironically even after having 4 different social circles scattered throughtout the 170, i managed to get really lonely because of the scatteredness… Like yes there were a lot of hanging around, but they all had friends and i didn’t really know where my friends were, I met a few new people through small talk or casual conversation — but generally thats kind of introductary stuff whereas i want to invest in relationships that I already have.
*sentimental fun*
*YorkU or YCCF -wise* (Brandon, Joeie, Mike, Olivia, Alison, Raymond)
was a really really BIG blessing! just so much warmth, edification, and mutual caring & community that is always so loving 
not too many people went but i guess a big chunk of the committee and 2 froshies (myself excluded) who haven’t been coming regularly so ht was pretty cool, getting to know them and sharing that community with them 
Morning prayer / worship, was really good! Campus time and sharing, eating together, chill time and AFC’s commissioning of the Chairs, and the Chair’s commission to us — and committee to David… washing of feet and then personal intercession mmm….. I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH!! AHHH!! Praise God!!
special shouts~
- Joeie: interceding for me after commissioning
- Olivia: loving & caring - general consideratness!! (you know what i mean!!)
*Jaffray kids* (Gabes, Kat, Karmel, Char, Moyee, Arnold, Jacqueline, Alex, Dorcas, Doreen)
Another great BIG blessing!! Being so accepting and letting me sort of wheel back and forth between my other social groups~ Loads of jokes, fun photo shooting, eating meals — and ah sunday night chililing out - acappella worship & a chance to genuinely share, thoughts, experiences, ideas — thanks Karmel/Tim/Moyee/Gabes for staying up extra late.. to listen to my bit of rantage..
special shouts ~
- gabes: rooming & putting up for my ridiculously early alarms, some of which i totally slept through ~ sorries!! but ah late night talks into the night hmm I’m so grateful !!
- karmel: openness, & honesty to share, patience to listen
*Small Group* renew [ha-doshe]
What can i say? This I think has got to be the best part unique to CC!! I’ve been struggling lately with some of the teaching from Church in that sometimes it stops short of going as deep as I’d like for some reason — as in certain ideas that are more sublime, perhaps slightly controversial, or ‘harder’ sometimes are traded for perhaps more ‘user friendly’ questions — but like ah So deep!! And hit on so many things that were really realy engaging ~ !! Sharing was also really inspiring, to say the least: awesome to see God working on so many different campuses in the lives of so many people from so many different backgrounds all towards one thing
special shouts ~
- Joshua: yay small group leader such a good facilitor! when i lead small group i wanna lead like you! Thanks for taking the effort & time to look out/pray for mee!
*spiritual lessons*
Theme: whatever you do..
Colossians 3:17 NKJV
And whatever you *do* in *word* or *deed*, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him. [every step of the way (MSG)]
*1. Renewal*
I find it rather humerous that God put me into a SG named Renew, but definately something to thank Him for and reflect on. As I mentioned earlier, this last while, idolatry and feasting on bread has taken a toll on my spiritual hunger & thirst… and renewal of that hunger & thirst; tasting Jesus again is one of the things I wanted to llift up to Jesus for my time at CC. And he definately did that — the theme verse (as stated above) is kind of funny because during the duration of CC, as well as before I sort of only skimmed over the verse… yet that idea of be renewed and washed in the Spirit to worship in word, action, breath, in every moment has been on my heart / mind as a prayer for myself and others… consumate love to say the least.
In listening to the sermons, the workshops, and even some of the bible study lessons — it was kind of awkward because at every discussion or teaching, it seemed the person was sharing bits of which God had been revealing to me during this past school year. Not to say that I knew everything, but most everything hit right on. Many things I’ve meditated on, reflected on — practiced things I was living until recently~ at first my pride sorta took a step but He continued to breathe realization into me… further renewing my mind and that seeing/knowing I hadn’t been living wholly and completely for him the last few months — and that if I wanted to live FOR HIM and WITH HIM I can’t compromise, and give only part of myself — its all in or nothing. Like the Theme verse and one of the verses that jumped out at me:
*Colossians 3:5 NKJV*
Therefore put to death your members which are on the earth: fornication, uncleanness, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry.
Everytime I read that verse I’d feel this tug to change my lifestyle that I had begun on this summer — this tug to stop squandering my time with video games (D2 && FF7), with reading tech journals, watching pointless afternoon TV and just to come back, back to His embrace to taste, to see, to be still and allow myself to be lavished into His love, washed; renewed… to return to that consumate love, and to be restored to His glory.
As such — I’ve decided to take an complete fast from the very things for this summer so i can focus on spiritual things and giving more attention / time to my beloved Lord. So basically I’m going to renew the fast I started back in November -
I’m stopping my reading of:
- Slashdot, Arstechnica, Engadget, Joystiq and other tech journals / blogs entries not related to life & spirituality & creativity
I’m stopping my gaming of:
- D2, FF7, computer games, flash games, console games
I’m stopping my afternoon tv & movie watching
- absolutely no TV.
Instead I’m going to spend that time — praying, reading, doing chores, contemplating, serving etc..
And yes — I know thats quite the extreme, and it sounds rather legalistic in some sense. But thats my commitment, my choice for this summer, not a requirement for anything at all. Its what I feel God has said to me through scripture so I’m going to do my best to fullfill that. And NO, please don’t take this as prideful & being selfrighteous… (again this is my public persoal blog so i’m writing whats on my heart…) if you do.. i apologize if i’ve caused you to sin :\ Regardless, The Gospel is of of Freedom, not Bondage! Its not rules that I need to follow, rather choice to embrace the leisures of this world or other things instead..
When I was trying to help Joeie ‘analyze’ Colossians 3 on wednesday — what caught my attention was (as usual) the powerful imagery that is present, in this case — its clothing imagery which as we all know (similar to the bread i wrote about before) is one of the necessities for survival, and it tells us to put off that other type of ‘clothing’ e.g. uncleanliness, anger, lust, etc.. the ‘old self’ and rather we are to put on the ‘new self’ — Jesus, compassion humility, patience etc.. To me this spoke volumes about that if you expose yourself to certain things — that well naturally your mind is set on those things, and you desire those things (e.g. my desire to waste time on unproductive thinsg), so rather than ‘feeding’ it — or clothing it; I want to leave those desires exposed to the ‘elements’ (e.g. not clothe/feed them) so that they die (if its not clothed it naturally dies) and rather invest my time into seeking Him deeper and ministry stuffs…..
oooh! and if you want you can ask me to keep me accountable because I really want to commit to this
*2. Spiritual Varience* has been something thats been boiling in my subconscious in the last while — especially struggling with my conservative church upbringing, with the ’slur’ of new charismatic ideas coming in from experience to meld together the intellectual and throw more into a more experiential journey as well. Like there are so many ’schools of thought’ that at moments seem almost contradictory — there are so many ways of ‘doing’ things, so many routes of ‘theology’ and you can’t really say one is THE particular one because it works for different people in different situations… but like isn’t it absolute??
I wrote this in an email to Joeie about what i thought about spirituality and experiencing God and devotions.. and that is different denominations, peoples, cultures etc… relate to God or focus on different relationships. Evangelicals - Father, Charismatic - Mother, Catholic - Lover, Eastern Orthodox - Best friend, and likewise, and as such we relate to God that particular way that we are brought up in. Because of the parallel to our earthly relationships our relationship with God via a particular ‘faucet’ might be slightly better or not — e.g. Chinese Culture father - fosters in general a relatively more distant relationship, whereas a mother might be more close, expressive say in a charismatic relationship — and so on and so forth…
So like how we experience God, and His work varies quite differently in some sense, there’s theology that says you must fight different sins and eventually God uses that in his sanctifying processes — e.g. accountability groups. There’s also my way of thinking which is more calvinist in its roots — which is we can do nothing, but rather He works through us — to change our desires, to His and there is sanctification that way.
Moreover with the great varience of personality, our preferences in expressing ourselves and perceiving the world changes greatly… so some might find God in reading great theological books, service, prayer… etc.. There’s no “one way” to go about getting a relationship with God or being a christian..
The Bible is pretty open ended and in fact describes lots of differerent ways in how people experience and express worship to God. but what it stands clear is the core — that there *needs* to be relationship — however you go about carrying that out and knowing God thats unique to your experience and relationship with God, and in no way restricts God to that particular way. Rather God is alll of those relationships. We cant say God is only one of those — because although we can envelope our minds in a particular relationship — He is so much more! If we fix on a particular angle of thought we come into problems such as doctrinal contradictions; rather to understand varience in spirituality — we need to draw on all denominations and see that although God is infinitely deep in just that 1 relationship He is also infinitely deep in all the other ones as well! And its impossible to experience Him the absolutely same possible way –
So where am i going with this? I guess just going into small group and guys sharing time I had that differing view of how for myself accountability groups and things didn’t work, and what happened was more just seeking God’s heart and seeking to walk in the Spirit (Galatians 5) I wanted to share for a few times that there seemed to be direct contradiction — for small group i ended up sharing for guys sharing time fear kind of took over and i was wondering if God wanted me to share … my anxiety paralyzed me, couldn’t take hold of the promises and before i know it the session ended.
Regardless, God showed me that like hey yes I worked in you this particular way and yes it works, but there’s also the more traditional way which a lot of people experience me through too — and tho its good to share, it is in no way exclusive. Accountability groups might not have worked at all for you but — hey for some it does?
I suppose its one of the crucuial differences between relating to God via the evangelical way vs a more charismatic or even catholic (in relation way)? I just thought it was kind of cool… knowledgwise i’m having trouble to express myself because its much more experiencial to know that y’know its so wide and open
*3. Worship*
Worship at CC was pretty interesting — for myself it was somewhat a struggle to concentrate in sincerely worshipping, or sincerely just coming before the Lord in praise, in love — felt hard to sing some of the songs, or just quiet my heart — but its funny because i think i wrote earlier before about how God’s been showing me to not rely on various ‘intermediary’ experiences in trusting Him — but rather to let those past experiences enhance my worship / experience of Him… so whilst i couldn’t really worship via the music and singing — felt my heart wasn’t really there, more just finding resolve in His embrace, in prayer.. in stilness, in going by myself out to the river… to just be still… to listen and sing by myself…
for others I heard some say it was distracting, other said it was really good… I don’t really know what to think.. there’s worship theology, there’s the movement of the Holy Spirit, there is ‘worship protocol,’ and social constructs within the church… I don’t really know… i guess its a distraction/hindrance to worship… perhaps — but where’s the heart in saying that? yes they are leading worship, and yes there is a responsibility to rebuke/correct — yet to meet with God, and experience Him surely pushes beyond social/cultural norms? I don’t know, but I’m sure some were edified during the worship as much as some might say — and that verse –
*Mark 9:38-41* NKJV - Jesus Forbids Sectarianism
Now John answered Him, saying, “Teacher, we saw someone who does not follow us casting out demons in Your name, and we forbade him because he does not follow us.” But Jesus said, “Do not forbid him, for no one who works a miracle in My name can soon afterward speak evil of Me. For he who is not against us is on our side. For whoever gives you a cup of water to drink in My name, because you belong to Christ, assuredly, I say to you, he will by no means lose his reward.
just because it isn’t the ‘approved’ way or whatever doesn’t necessarly mean its not good, or should be forbidden — but rather as long as it is done in His name… and people are edified, and drawn closer to God.
The verses which follow this of course talk about not causing people to stumble in an almost ironic / contradictory counterbalance… so I really don’t know what to think about that — but I guess it further adds to broader view — that there is a lot of variation in ‘how’ to do worship — but at the end there’s really only the heart that can tell… i mean it might go against all theology that we know — yet the focus isn’t on the how — but rather the core - Jesus, getting to know Jesus!
*4. Surrender..* In midst of the lonliness i guess bits of thoughts on attraction, and general just like ahh how good it would be to have a girlfriend lol, but knowing in my spirit that God hasn’t finished with me… so rather than filling that emptyness — I need to seek more renewel to just go DEEP into Him, cause frankly I’m not ready… so hush you noisy little emotions.. Yes there is uncertainty — but to rush, is to disobey.. is to be irrational, immature… rather to surrender, is faith and grow for the unravelment of beauty… besides Trent reminds me of that last retreat which although pretty ‘fun’ I guess faded into sadness, heartbreak…. and a long teary phone call way back when. Perry is definately not ready — but more God has so much to do in him first.. surrender.. dreams left unfolded.
Some interesting thoughts tho — lately i’ve been wondering about is that depth of love for God is ‘enough’ or is there anything because… there are so many ppl who love & live with/for God… i dunno, haha i musn’t think too much — although Joeie brought up a really good point in campus time sharing which will stay there so bla ~
hms… I’m getting rather long winded… still kind of hard for me to write out in whole terms what i want to say… perhaps i don’t have anything to say? but CC was really good and I met with God and thats all that matters ! a lot of confirmation to remind me of what I’ve learned and to strive for growth by the means of consistancy… and lots of good bonding time… I’m so excited to meet up with church peoples + CCF again
so yes– hear the winds.. the rushing water.. breath of new life!
*cheers*
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