pearbox : undefined

hms… I haven’t blogged in quite a long whilst… I guess the past few days have been pretty slow, kinda dry and lots of falling away from reality — pretty much spent the many days bumming around at home, playing a few games, watching tv, eating, sleeping… a bit of uninspired reading here and there… and just ugh… so much struggling against myself to just pick up — to be disciplined/responsible and apply for more jobs… which I feel pretty sick and tired of… but in my mind I know God has something in store… something planned for my summer… I’ve just been really tired, weary.. as each day sort of unfolds into another without much change… idleness catches in and spiritually/psychologically i just feel really dead. My mind is numb, and i have absolutely no motivation to do anything.

Spiritually my hunger and thirst for God, that passion and focus thats been building up this whole school year has been dissipating a lot… sort of went down hill during/after exams — like i was checking the archives and like whoa in april i only blogged 7 times… down from my usual average of 15… crazy drain and lack of inspiration… lack of focus on God to say the least — cause God is always speaking, always revealing Himself at every moment — His ever inspiring character… distraction is what prevents us from noticing and receiving that constant flow of love & grace…

To describe the past week… I think I can simply say I’ve totally side tracked — and walked in the flesh instead of the spirit which has been my sole focus & determination up till school ended… From Galatians, one of my favorite books in the Bible — it talks about walking in the spirit verses walking in the flesh. And we were studying this excerpt this past week in sunday school — and this part about walking in the spirit stuck out to me– and more what it means it walk in the opposite — the flesh –

Galatians 5:19-21 NKJV
Now the works of the flesh are evident, which are: adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lewdness, 20 idolatry, sorcery, hatred, contentions, jealousies, outbursts of wrath, selfish ambitions, dissensions, heresies, 21 envy, murders, drunkenness, revelries, and the like; of which I tell you beforehand, just as I also told you in time past, that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.

And in reflection I think I’ve done quite a few of those– and subconsciously during sunday school God was like I’M TALKING TO YOU!! So monday, tuesday, even today its really been a struggle… to wake up to reality — and God’s grace, instead of being dead and trying to fill myself with ‘bread alone.’ which I think is a bright and accurate description of what I’ve been doing…

Trying to live my bread alone, instead of going deeper into the word of God which is what gives true life — as such I’ve become numb, dead in most every context… I’ve failed to maintain my integrity, failed to come to His throne and spend that time in quality conversation… more everything has been so uninspiring… and I sorta just drift about..

More on just living on bread alone — I guess I’ll give you a bit more elaboration on the imagery of the bread… so you can undertand where i’m coming from..

*Imagery for Bread in the Bible*
I guess *BREAD* is imagery thats used quite often in the Bible… to represent many many things… The first I guess is the cultural significance back then which is that one needs bread to live. Its food — its the basic staple for everyday necessity (In Chinese Culture i guess its like having no Rice :O).. However Jesus says man shall not live by bread alone because bread does not provide the adequate sustenance to truly live.

To me this is like a metaphor to grace — because bread, well thats man made — its grown, mixed, and baked by man’s own efforts, and is like man trying to do their own thing and living on that. Whereas life cannot be lived to full potential without God because we are by nature sinful, and we can do all things but its all in vain. Without God there is nothing — there is no life… there is only suffering — and ‘life’ in suffering — is pretty much death (whats the point to ‘life’ or ’survival’ if all there is is suffering? — nothing) in very essence bread is dependency on the self, while the word of God is dependence on Him! its LIFE! Truth in its purest form!

Bread in terms of dependency on Him has another allusion of Mana where the Israelites grumbled against the Lord because they were tired of mana — which was provided based on faith in God’s word. The people grumbled and rebelled because they were tired of that ‘bread’ - mana, they depended on the bread itself, instead of God’s word which spoke provision, and adequacy.

Bread aslo has references to the body — as in the Holy Communion — where it references the bread as Christ’s body, similarly when we depend bread alone — we depend/put our faith in the flesh — specifically our flesh… as such we, as Galatians 5 tells us, do the works of the flesh… which is sin… Which intwines with that other image of Bread being — made with yeast… which is the very symbol of SIN.

So yes… um departing from that bit of imagery - analysis, that pretty much summarizes how I’ve been — what I’ve been struggling with… falling from Grace — but to know that Truth, that Love that only He provides, that he accepts me *just as i am* and as he calls for me, as he beckons me into His embrace, into His courts — He refines me and makes me clean, restores me to former Glory, and more… Redemptive Grace! Not as an excuse to sin, but a way to come back to reconciliation with my Saviour to awaken b ack to reality!

So yah… I guess my prayer right now is just:

*Create In Me A Clean Heart*
Andy Gilbert

Create in me a clean heart oh God
And renew a right spirit within me
Create in me a clean heart oh God
And renew a right spirit within me

Cast me not away from thy presence oh Lord
Take not thy Holy Spirit from me
Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation
And renew a right spirit within me

MP3

- pretty raw, nothing spectacular… more for myself & God, but feel free to entertain yourself… i guess.. (its not that entertaining ha)

*cheers*