pearbox : undefined

*2 Timothy 1:7*

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. _NKJV_

For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline. _NIV_

For many of you who’ve served with me, prayed with me before serving, or followed along with my blog for the past half a year– you’ll recognize this simple, ‘little’ promise that I’ve been mentioning over and over in my praying, in my sharing et cetera… and really God has been using this verse to mold me and change me… probably one of the verses I’ve meditated most on this past while..

So just in a bit of reflection… and exposition of what this verse means to me… and what God has been speaking to me via each part..

*fear/timidity* - These words in this promise were my ‘pillars of strength’ a lot of the time this past while — especially with my feelings of inadequacy, feeling small, helpless and ‘under par,’ or being young and inexperienced in a lot of serving, spirituality, or general maturity… like with CCF serving, Sunday School, Bible study last minute chaotic issues and such… this promise — that despite my personality that fixates on fear, He has not given me that — but instead…

*power* - the courage/power of being ‘more than conqueror’ to find sufficiency in His grace — to know that despite my own little fears i just need to trust Him and jump in with both feet and get Carried Away… That His Grace is Enough, His Sovereignty undisputed– and it doesn’t matter how inadequate i feel, how self conscious or fearful… He is the Lord that is TRUTH, even if i doubt, even if i flail… He is my strength — and “He’s got the whole world.. in His hands” Every single moment, every single thing that happens — He is there. I back into a car, i get m by backpack stuck in a locker, i accidentally pay the wrong amount on my credit card… all good, all bad — He is POWER. Always Sovereign. Always in Control.

*love* - something I’m still learning a lot about — like when i pray i often claim the whole promise– with most my emphasis on the power bit… but to have that spirit of love, i think is to seek His heart— and as we walk in the spirit, he renders our desires to His and we begin to love the way he does.. Not just in family / friends… but to the people on campus — He opens a different perception… and to Himself he brings that depth of unquenchable, consummate love — a peace that trancends understanding just to be in His embrace… to know that all things are irrelevent.. temporary…

*self-discipline/sound mind* - definately the part of the promise i’ve focused the least bit about… but i was just thinking about it today… and reflecting over my very dry, very idle summer… where lazyness just comes and comes… the ease to just slip into that warm cuddle of idleness… to be mindless about anything and everything.. purposeless, idle. nothing. given to ‘feeling’ — not doing the things i should probably be doing.. and just wasting time… like what IF every fibre in your being resists the spirit — taht desire to up and away into Him? staying off it… dries your apetite… hardening your heart; going to it… is like taming the tongue… impossible, yet as you taste more — the more you hunger…

mmms… I believe i’ve hit this last part of the verse….

Father God, Most dear and beloved Jesus, Holy Spirit..
I repent of my idleness, I repent of my undiscipliend perhaps even licentious self — God I want so much of You, yet my emotions, my ‘feelings’ drive me away.. and tho my spirit yearns and yearns for you… I am all to resistant. Would you quiet my wayward heart…, bring peace to my noise filled mind — that i may come before you…. to receive your love… to enter your rest… to be surrounded, endoused, endrenched by your most beautiful spirit… i want to taste You God.. to once again awake, to be alive.. to live at the tempo of your heart… for my every breath to be breathing in more of you, every step — to be stepping into more of you… every thought about you…. bring me into your Great Romance once again Lord ! as your child, part of your beautiful bride — i want to be consecrated, sanctified… washed a new– made pure, made holy that my desires may be for you… teach me to love you… teach me to know you…
Father I claim that promise — where you say that you’ve not given me a spirit of fear but rather of POWER, of LOVE, of A Sound Mind… Spirit would you further empower to conqueror and overcome the emotions that writhe within me… the Love for you that overcomes.. and a sound mind that is constantly seeking you — and not lulled into scattered thoughts.. by your authority on that Cross Jesus, as your child, your disciple — i claim these things,
in your name –
Amen.

A quiet flame burning in the darkness..
All alone; shedding tears of wax,
Not a word, but a still silent dancing..
A cool chill breeze rushes by…
and if for a moment the world is dead.
Yet still light arises:
A flickering light… struggling from its grave
To blaze anew, Alive. Awake.
And fresh breath is breathed in. Renew.

hms… I’ve been quite uninspired this past while, haven’t been finding much purpose in my idle doings.. in my times with Him, in my thoughts, and my writing… haven’t found that spark to write poetry… and really this one I just wrote isn’t very in depth.., a quick simple sketch… fire so unceasing, fire so wonderful..

So yah just some reflections, on a broader view for the past few days, weeks, months… they all meld together into ‘one’ — is just this sense of lonliness that has been becoming more and more centerstage.. Just as each day goes by… my need for someone to talk to, chit chat, conversation, sharing — anything.. pushes forward… and I wonder at life… spirituality.. and such.. Just this ever increasing need to talk, to listen… to understand and be understood…

Spiritually — things can be a lot better.. and I have no excuse to take my faith for granted… and its been hard struggling, falling many times — yet still struggling to not turn to idle/idol things… to pass time or take my mind of that brewing cloud of emotion.. Like Yes! I want to go deep in You, God… but argh… my thirst, hunger, as an individual feels so dry… right now. And my wonderment.. and waiting for You– is yearning, writhing, restless. Yet impatience, doubt, noise seep in… mmm.. how I want to enter into your embrace, Your rest…

But yah.. Solipsism (philosophy), from the latin solus for alone, and ipse for ‘himself’ — tho i wouldn’t go to the extreme to say nothing ‘exists’ except ofr me — i think this philosophical has a lot of depth to it… just this individual ‘entity’ that makes us us — our perosnality, mind, memories?, spirit, etc.. — whatver that ‘thing’ is its detached from everything… like when you meditate or reflect on your own existance its quite a bizarre thing.

Your senses are mostly ‘head centered’ while your kinesthetic senses are dormant yet you can yield your nerves to focus and bring ‘feeling’ to that part of you — like as you read this, its all your eyes, your mind, your hands as you scroll, and your ears listening to your song… but if i said where’s your feet? you’d sense that your feet are touching hte carpet.. and its interesting– that you’d have that ‘reach’ yet anything beyond you — outside this ‘flesh capsule’ — you have no reach.

similarly — in relationships, no one will ever fully absolutely understand just how you feel — everything is conveyed in the very biased, very personal, yet very amazing construct called ‘language’… just yah… lonliness.. I know for me that lonliness often signals me to go deeper into God and find resolution, fullfillment, dependence on Him.. yet there’s always that social side to it too..

Like right now, just this want inside of me to talk/listen/spend time with my friends.. church/ccf whatever… cause its summer school is out, and these past few weeks family has sorta ‘wenched’ me away from church/aletheia social activities.. leaving me very little time to actually talk with most of my friends… then there’s that whole ordeal regarding serving– everyone has jobs during the day (except me, don’t pity me — pray for me :p), and at church/fellowship we each have our mass of serving (which is really good!) but its just disheartening… miss spending time / talking with you guys ~

*sighs*

So last few days my course enrollment access time opened up and I got the chance to finally after *much anticipating* pick my second year courses… thus far my schedule seems pretty much the same as last year more just having a few things moved around to earlier times, and a general ‘randomness’ to my schedule… quite fun really Linguistics still on the monday / wednedays, chinese related thing on tuesday.. friday off… yum..

Courses I’m taking this year:
Natural Science : Computers, Information, and Society (Year/Online)
Linguistics: Fundamentals of Morphological Analysis (Fall)
Linguistics: Fundamentals of Grammatical Analysis (Winter)
Philosophy: Introduction to Logic (Winter)
Psychology: Cognition (Fall)
Language: Advanced Modern Standard Chinese (Year)
Social Science: Introduction to the Study of Religion (Year/Pending)

all in all 33 Credits of fun This year, seems like my courses are weighing a bit heavier on the language/linguistic side — with morphology (study of words/wordstructure) and grammar (study of word order, and structure within a sentence) added with the Mandarin course which is i guess something I’m pretty nervous about that… having really nil experience except a few podcasts from chinesepod.com so gotta learn pingyin (ping yum in canto), writing, reading and all that… uneasy in terms of marks.. since i don’t realy know how to learn ‘languages’ (i can do linguistics fine :p) so it’ll be a challenge… but i guess all good things you need to work towards.. And in terms of my perspective of univeristy being the equipping ground to career/ministry… learning mandarin would be pretty core.. *if* He calls me to missions.. but we’ll see… i’m gifted as a ‘linguist’ (non-linguistic sense e.g. in languages) so we’ll see.. bla

Most everything else seems pretty interesting, logic is a bit :S but ah well… good to expand and put knowledge, brain back to work on more ‘crazy’ things… hms… thats about it i guess..

great to be back to a more regular blogging habit tho… been so uninspired previously… hope things get better mmm writing *cheers*

back from fellowship… and I’m both floored and very joyful, and somewhat somber & disappointed slightly confused.. in wonderment..

I’m really floored because today has just in general been an awesome awesome day, waking up in the morning — going to York to do random promo videos (embarresing!), and just coming together as one body, in one Spirit to seek Him, worship and pray for York very very yummy sharing, chilling, just in its own very edifying & comforting… perhaps i’ve been staying at home without much social contact outside of msn too long? but mmm… i might feel somewhat ’silly’ in face of my older brothers and sisters… but we are one in the body of Christ!

moving on after that — coming to church, talking with arthur, dan, allan for my interview and being able to have that oppertunity to share some of my heart, and what He’s been teaching me with the three spiritual leaders in our Church… was really good, His love, abounding… find strength in my weaknesses, that spirit of love, power, a sound mind… and tho i guess tho i quoted a lot of scripture for an interview for a job… it was very good
Afterwards hectic prep, and just diving into Bible study with my faithful, open, and loving bible study friends (loving in a non-cannibalistic way shirley!), was also very edifying and just an oppertunity to live, what we’re teaching… mmm… thanks yam, thanks shirley — I greatly greatly appreciate your openess to my endless rant, my ideas, my leadership, and in general just me… one who is so green, and inexperienced in this area of teaching / bible study… thanks! During Bible study itself, a very unique experience of bringing everything i’ve learned and observed this year especially from olivia, joeie, cyrus, stella, ray… ways of leading and mmm ! i love being an introvert and just obsorbing everything, thanks also alex for your continual edification & sharing of articles… very inspiring in adding a differenet angle to everything mmm!

Just a humbling thought while i was teaching/’preaching’ about the heart of Matthew 7:21-23 NKJV / Hebrews 3:7-15.. and how relationship is core…, listening to What Else Can I Do… that its all the Holy Spirit, God breathing life and understanding into our hearts, our souls, us. Not my words or anyone’s words, but His alone.. His grace which draws us and sustains us..

I guess i’m somewhat somber because, you might have guessed I didn’t get the job, that I was putting all my ‘money’ on… and like yah… i feel disappointed, i feel that bit of emotional stress that comes from frustration, but i’m reminded by His Sovereign Grace– like sure i might have prayed and expected that this was the ideal job position for me, cause it opens up so many doors, like the mentorship group i’m suppose to start — it would clear out all technical problems and the time to meet up, and everything it’d be perfect. I’d be able to start friday prayer meetings at 7— start a prayer ministry which i see as really important for aletheia.. and that was all just like shut door to a lot of that… especially now since my oppertunity to drive and get to aletheia early is somewhat limited..

In my eyes, in my thoughts everything was perfect, yet i’m reminded of the lyrics — from Jason Upton’s No Sacrifice. (thanks shirley)

Your thoughts are higher than mine
Your words are deeper than mine
Your love is stronger than mine
This is no sacrifice, here’s my life

His thoughts are *so much higher!* my ‘ideal’ is nothing compared to his plan, his will, and whatever he has for me in these last 2 months of summer… i want to go deeper in Him, i want to know Him more in both Spirit and Word that i may be equipped for this coming year of ministry… so yah.. i don’t know what to say, my very naive faith seems to be slightly tossed, but He is sovereign! and tho i really need to get a job to pay for books and transportation (barely cutting it budget wise)… I need to trust Him with my finances..

like Urbana, $295 ?? where am i gonna do that? Joeie providing the code for the student leadership — slashed down to $195, then before all of that, even before registration my aunt gives me $200 usd!! like :O covers all! then my cousin gives me $200 cad… add that up — including 5 days of housing, food, miscellanious costs thats like my whole trip covered!!

how much He’s provided like 100% for such a little thing as urbana, and how much more for my academics, transportation, books… so yah… no job? i might feel uneasy, but to know and minister in the ways that God has led me to — in bible study, in sunday school… stirring up the gifts of teaching, of studying…. and Him providing so many people, so many resources… i am so blessed!

so yah… what else can i do? but worship? what else can i do but bow? cause all i really yearn for is You, all i really need is You!

so God.. i know you’re reading this, would you shower me, wash me, saturate me with more of you… I want these last 2 months to excel in fruition in my understanding of you, my relationship with you… would you take me — and job or no job… i want You, guide me, lead me… i am trusting in your sovereign grace — to provide all that i need.. so may i seek you first… and claim that promise of having everything else added…. your name, Amen.

+thanks everyone who has been so diligently praying for me… i love you all very much ~

so far this summer, everything has been going real slow, I still have yet to obtain a job, and time is quickly trickling away leaving less than half my summer remaining before another year of school comes by… so just in reflection of all of that — I realize I’ve been quite unmotivated to do anything, most everyday melds into most every other day — and if it weren’t for the little date & time on the bottom of my screen i wouldn’t know that today is wednesday what so ever…

life seems slow, unmotivated, uninspired, unproductive… etc. and just talking with a many of my friends + brothers & sisters lately about the issue of relationship/discipleship in the church, and revisiting the topics close to my heart & holy discontentment, I once again remember, and feel that passion leap inside of me… this is what God has revealed to me this past year — and my summer commitment was to go deep in Him — in both Spirit & in the Word. Yet — I see I’ve regressed some, becoming entangled with the world, slotheness — and while i’m still GO! i am definately not as in tune as I was, or where I would be when I am psychologicallly healthy — driven to His purpose.

I want to come again into that continual communion with Him, that consistant seeking of His heart, that conversation which carries out throughout the day… I want to go deep in the Word, to be equiped for every good work… I want to meditate on it and embrace the truth that is there…. I want to know my God deeper ~

thats the cry in my heart for this summer — and really even if i don’t get that outreach job… or any job — thats ok because He provides for me financially– however I really really do not want my summer to go to a waste in not going deeper… i’ve got lots of books to read to assist me in renewel and expanding my perspective… a lot of blogs & websites & sermons to check out (thanks alex), but my motivation to read seems next to minimal… my once love & passion to read seems all too resistant… like right now I’m in the process of reading 3 books at once.. each of which are going at a rather slow pace…. and i don’t know… it seems so hard to exercise this ’spiritual pathway’ or experience God through that…

hm… i don’t know, its one of my weaker areas — but it seems like something so crucial to going deeper in Him, to be mentored by such pastors — as Foster, Piper.. Simpson, Spurgeon, the list goes on…. *sighs*

Farther, Lord, dearest beloved Jesus, Holy Spirit,
Grant me, and renew in me my thirst, desire, and hunger for you, and the things of you — that Lord my summer might be fruitful in my understanding of you, my relationship with you, and my conversation with you. Please awaken my senses, and make them hypersensitive to your voice, the proddings of your Spirit, and your ever surrounding, penetrating presence — lead me, guide me — let me come into your embrace that i me go deep in you, that i may lose all of me — quiet me, hold me, still me… see my heart — that yearning, that desire — that seeking of You…. draw near to me because i cannot draw near to You.. consecrate me for worship to you… in your precious ever saving name,
Amen.

I love family !! Today has just been an awesome awesome day with family! and really just a reminder and the realization of how much a blessing that family really is to me
Like this afternoon, we skipped out on jaffray’s annual father’s day bbq, and went home to eat, relax and chat under this new gazebo we just bought yesterday….

The sun shining overhead, resting in the sade… with the breeze shifting back and forth in a peacable swing… so relaxing… mmm.

then after lunch, we moved our weekly family worship / prayer time outside — me playing my bit of guitar and leading in singing whilst they were sang in one accord; off key but mmm! worshipping Him, Father God, Dearest Beloved Jesus, Holy Spirit — unity, one family, so good!! After that we read 1 Peter 4:7-11,

*Serving for God’s Glory*

7 But the end of all things is at hand; therefore be serious and watchful in your prayers. 8 And above all things have fervent love for one another, for “love will cover a multitude of sins.” 9 Be hospitable to one another without grumbling. 10 As each one has received a gift, minister it to one another, as good stewards of the manifold grace of God. 11 If anyone speaks, let him speak as the oracles of God. If anyone ministers, let him do it as with the ability which God supplies, that in all things God may be glorified through Jesus Christ, to whom belong the glory and the dominion forever and ever. Amen.

did some sharing, and some prayer time — just seeking God’s heart, admonishing/edifying one another…. seeking healing and forgiveness for one another…

But in relation to that verse — it talks about prayer, loving one another, and ministering in the various ways which we are equipped… and looking at my family its mmm! I’m just so grateful — that God made us different, each one of us; not to bring strife but to complement and support each other in those times of brokeness (my heartbreak), sickness & crisis (sars), and prayers — that sharing in that in depth love… mmm We definately aren’t the picture perfect family but — once again that joy that cheer, that fullfillment to see that even though we’re not always “at right” with each other that we are united in Christ — put together by Him… and blessed….

Its awkward– because as teenagers and kids, we (or atleast me) take for granted the relationships with our family, we might know one closer parent say mom and as per chinese culture dad seems always remote — and its really hard to get to know them… you start growign up and you want to do your own thing — throw in rebellion & raging hormones, a bit of oedipus & electra complex… and its quite the image of chaos… hopelessness..

but to grow up — to be an adult, to be fully recognized as a man or woman (as per your gender) — and to build that relationship understanding where they come from in their instruction, knowing one’s place… and God’s sovereign grace in this construction of fmaily… it just blows my mind…. so in awe ~

like the other night, a few days ago — I couldn’t sleep, insomnia due to stress & serving (i havne’t had so much insomnia for like ever) anxiety, fear mix with some heat — so I went to see if my parents were sleeping yet and my mom wasn’t — this was around 1 so I just went over and we started talking about all sorts of things — university stuff, future girlfriend/wife :D, missions… China and TESL — and them just thinking a lot for my future — listening to what i think, supporting me — giving advice, praying for that future someone mmm.. so much love!

so yah… Praise God! i love relationships… sometimes i think i get kinda carried away with the ideals, the immaterial wealth — that I totally forgo those other things which are material, ah well.. INFJness

but yes family *hugs* i love you all!!

3:26 AM… I can’t sleep, my body feels tired and slightly worn out but my mind is wide a wake, its like i’m in REM mode except I’m still awake… or something, I try to close my eyes to break from reality and find rest, but nothing, everything just seems to come flying at me… I try to lie/sit down… to just be quiet in a second, and restlessness sets in and I find myself getting up going to the washroom, getting my guitar, or wanting to read… I guess I could read and tire out my eyes… but i don’t know.. insomnia..

Not really sure why I’m still awake, I guess there should be a reason… but when i get down on my bed — thoughts just keep on coming… contemplating on Sunday School, on questions which i have yet to write — on some of Piper’s sermons on the role of men & women in the Church vis-a-vis marriage, and that beautiful comparrison between the relationship between a man and a women, and Jesus Christ and His Bride — pure, holy, submissive, beautiful. Other thoughts drifting to university/YCCF and prayer ministry and wondering how to ‘apply’ certain things… or just planning for it all…

Its so warm in my room — feels like 28 or something… got my window open, kitchen fan busily spinning above me — yet the heat doesn’t leave… and i’m still awake knowing i need sleep but can’t because of all these fluctuating, ever active thoughts… need to quiet down and just come into God’s rest… to be still, and know that He is God. Really excited to just go head in and do lots of stuff — but its much less about doing than knowing Him…

so hms… bla ~

Dear God,
please bless sleepyness to my eyes, quietness to my mind, stillness to my heart, that I may know You, and come into your embrace that the beat of Your heart might be the peace and comfort that surrounds me — that i might rest peacefully, and soundly in your embrace. May You be my sustenance, my source of energy, my all… your whispers of affection, affirmation, and truth be the lullaby that draws me to your rest..
Your beloved little child, in Christ.
Amen.

*1 Timothy 6:11-16* NKJV

11 But you, O man of God, flee these things and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, patience, gentleness. 12 Fight the good fight of faith, lay hold on eternal life, to which you were also called and have confessed the good confession in the presence of many witnesses. 13 I urge you in the sight of God who gives life to all things, and before Christ Jesus who witnessed the good confession before Pontius Pilate, 14 that you keep this commandment without spot, blameless until our Lord Jesus Christ’s appearing, 15 which He will manifest in His own time, He who is the blessed and only Potentate, the King of kings and Lord of lords, 16 who alone has immortality, dwelling in unapproachable light, whom no man has seen or can see, to whom be honor and everlasting power. Amen.