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At Church, and just coming home today… my heart and soul felt so empty.. so lonley, so broken, so inadequate — this great sense of overwhelmness, this great cloud of sadness hovering above me… that wearyness which drains the spirit of its will… that desire to just cease to exist because i feel that there’s just no way i can make it through… hopelessness…

I feel flustered, frustrated at myself, fearful, flailing in my spirit — like I don’t know… I know that God doesn not give me a spirit of fear/timidity but that of power, love, and a sound mind (2 Tim 1:7), I know there is nothing that can seperate me from His love and that I am more than a conqueror (Rom 8:38-39), I know that in times of need God has given me full access to his throne to claim mercy and obtain grace (Heb 4:16), that I can do anything & everything through Him who strengthens me (Phil 4:13), that He lift up the humble (Jam 4:10).

That quote from Shu’s blog a long while back, “God calls us to be faithful and not sucessful” resonates in my ear.. and i know that — I’m comforted — yet in all these things i feel at loss…

Teaching Sunday School seems the most ‘at large’ thing right now… coming sunday i get the priviledge to teach 1 Timothy 2, on the topic of ‘public/corporate’ worship — which is all good and all…. but I feel really really intimdated by 2 things.

1 - The Class — which is made up of a lot of my older brothers and sisters who are either going to graduate in the next 2 years (except for stephen) or have already graduated and are moving on to ‘bigger and better things’ — yes 1 Tim 4:12 says thats totally not an issue and rather i need to set an example… which i know i definately atleast subconsciously let effect me.., but also just how the class is going to react — they’re older, and not to pass judgement or anything but — just observing the class today i felt so out of place… they have their jokes and fun which i don’t understand… and its either that or awkward silence… but all i really want is to go deep into the Word and meet Jesus… i feel really intimidated… >.< and i feel this fixation on the 'outcome' of the class even tho its not really an issue --

2. - Co-Teacher -- alex, I'm actually really really thankful for you Alex, if you happen to be reading this -- for helping me out, doing questions, sharing our resources and all... but yah -- i guess this is something i struggle with because i find myself subconscously comparing? haha little me vs a well seasoned sunday school teacher -- quite disheartening :p... but not even that -- like we're teaching this class together but i feel slightly intimidated because well.. i don't want to be the "weak link" when i know thats totally nothing...

Teaching itself is already just weighing me down quite heavily... in that I haven't really led a group of people in Bible study let alone Sunday school 'by myself' and even then -- since Grade 9-10? perhaps 11? to the younger hosanna kids... I don't really have any techniques, any special 'skills' or have the 'critically tuned' mind to pick up questions or to engage in discussion... so its like yikes.. i so unexperienced, unprepped...

which brings me to some doubts of why i'm here in the first place--- why? am i teaching sunday school? part of my reallocation of time / serving -- to a more lined up manner to spiritual gifts... teaching of which is i think one of the lower ones which obviously have not seen much exposure / development time -- pastoring/shepherding is one but that doesn't necessarly connect.. tho it could -- looking back -- I think God has called me to this ministry... because of what he's shown me, and just what i've been reading... yet still different doubts clutter the atmosphere.. but hey -- He has and He'll provide right...

more forward looking ... this is also one of the things i've been thinking about where God wants me in the future -- seminary? what kind of degree? i don't know... but its here during university years -- that he develops the gifts, the expxeriences... and such.. *sighs*

so much on my heart -- i think i could go on and on to spill more and more emotions onto this entry, but its already really long -- so bla... here's my prayer right now... desperation cry.. so in need of Him.

MP3 Download

*Pour Out My Heart*
Craig Musseau

Here I am, once again
I pour out my heart for I know that you hear
Every cry, you are listening
No matter what state my heart is in

You are faithful to answer
With words that are true and a hope that is real
As I feel your touch
You bring a freedom to all that’s within

In the safety of this place
I’m longing to…

Pour out my heart to say that I love you
Pour out my heart to say that I need you
Pour out my heart to say that I’m thankful
Pour out my heart to say that you’re wonderful

A really old song we haven’t sang at church for… 4..5 years? regardless.. a song that really caught my heart just now in quiet time…. having sought so long to meet with Him, to talk with Him.. and to begin to find resolve.. refreshing amidst the destitude, dark, and wayward.. mmms…

Here’s the MP3 download / player — if you’d like to listen, I’m not really skilled at music… let alone guitar and vocals so listen as you wish — more just to worship Him, but if you’re edified *cheers* to that
MP3 Download
Listen -

*Faithful Father*
Brian Doerksen

Verse:
Father, I can’t explain this kind of love
This kind of grace
I know I still break Your heart
And yet You run to welcome me

Chorus 1:
This is my song of praise to You
For who You are and all that You do
From the moment my life began
You have been faithful
Father I love the way you hold me close
And say my name
I know when my life is through
My heart will find its home in You

Chorus 2:
This is my song of praise to You
For who You are and all that You do
From the moment my life began
You have been faithful
You will be faithful
Forever faithful
Father

I’d just like to share a song thats really resonating with my spirit right now — a song that can be my prayer, my cry.. mmms..
been really busy, loud, and obnoxious lately — everything in the world seems to come thundering down, crashing… but knowing that Jesus is faithful, that He speaks life..

*2 Timothy 2:11-13* NKJV
This is a faithful saying - for if we died with Him, we shall also live with Him. If we endure, we shall also reign with Him. If we deny Him, he also will deny us. If we are faithless, He remains faithful; He cannot deny Himself.

*Faith*
Jason Upton

Let faith arise, oh Lord, let faith arise
In the deepest parts of my being, oh Lord
In the most broken parts of me, oh Lord
Friends have failed me Lord, let my faith arise
Loved ones have failed me Lord, let my faith arise
Heroes have failed me Lord, let my faith arise
Let my faith arise
Let my faith arise
Let my faith arise
Let my faith arise
I say NO to the discouragement that keeps me down
I say NO to the things that keep me back from You
And this broken heart inside of me
Broken in so many pieces
By so many circumstances
I say NO to just letting it stay that way
Because I’m learning to trust that it’s not You that hurt me
I’m learning to believe that it’s not You that deserted me
I’m believing that You still love me
Brokenness and all
I’m believing that You’ve got a plan for me
I’m believing that You will restore me
I believe that You will awaken my soul
And let, let faith arise again, I believe
I believe like a little child again
I’m gonna dance in my trust in You, oh Lord
I’m gonna dance in my love for You, oh Lord
I’m gonna laugh again
I’m gonna cry again
I’m gonna have joy, joy on the inside
Circumstances around me try to pull me down
I’m going to believe in that faith again
‘Cause You’re my Creator
You’re my Comfort
You’re the One that will never desert me
So Daddy, I raise my hands up to You Lord
I raise my hands up to You, oh Lord
And I dance with my feet, I dance with my feet
And I say, come and, come and hold me Lord
‘Cause I’m learning to trust You with the faith of a child
Trust You with the faith of a child
I can have joy again like a child
I’m not going to let it come down
I’m not going to let those bullets come down
Come down and hurt me no more
‘Cause I’m raising up the Shield of Faith
And the Sword of the Lord
I’m believing on your Word Lord
I’m trusting in the Word that You said
And I’m waiting on You
Waiting on You
And I’m rejoicing in the fact that the Bible says
That You are my Victorious Warrior
You’re the one that fights for me
I don’t have to fight anymore
You’re the one that fights for me, oh Lord
My faith is rising, my faith is rising, my faith is rising
I can see You again Lord.
I can see You on the horizon of my life, oh Lord
I can see Your Son, it’s rising up, it’s rising up, it’s rising up
And I don’t have to be discouraged anymore
And I don’t have to fight this loneliness anymore
‘Cause You’re in my life, You’re in my life more than anyone can ever be
Father we’re building a relationship again, just me and You
We’re building a relationship again, just me and You
It’s not about the job I have
It’s not about the friends I have
Its’ not about the house I have or the social status I have
It’s about me and You
We’re building a relationship again, just me and You
You’re building my faith up again

Let faith arise, oh Lord!

*Hebrews 4:1* NKJV
Therefore, since a promise remains of entering His rest, let us fear lest any of you seem to have come short of it.

*Hebrews 4:3* NKJV
For we who have believed do enter that rest, as He has said: “ So I swore in My wrath, ‘They shall not enter My rest,’”

*Hebrews 4:7* NKJV
[...] “Today, if you will hear His voice, Do not harden your hearts.”

*Hebrews 4:11-12* NKJV
Let us therefore be diligent to enter that rest, lest anyone fall according to the same example of disobedience. For the word of God is living and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the division of soul and spirit, and of joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart.


*God* — my heart is so hard towards you, my ears are closed to you; and though my spirit yearns and cries out for you — more of you, it is unsettled… I long, hunger and thirst for you so desperately but — my heart is wayward, it turns, becomes distracted, and breaks conversation with you… when i seek you.. i become impatient, when I listen… i wonder if you are speaking… God my heart is so hard— please break it! shatter this hard shell of doubt, fear, delusion of self ability — break me, cut through me with your word that you may discover my condition and set me free into your rest… God I need you! I am flailing inside…. I need so much to enter into your embrace, to enter into your rest…. Lord please! In wrath.. remember mercy!

I haven’t realy been reading Hebrews… more reading 1 Timothy right now for insights for teaching, and argh i feel like the word feels dead to me. I read it — and I get what its saying on the superficial level but thats it — its like reading & comprehension — scratching the surface… I’m not hearing / listening Him speak — my heart is hardened, like during qt today — i had a really good time of worship, a pretty good time of prayer… silence which was cut short.. but reading the word was like O.o i don’t get it… i keep asking Him for an answer but i feel so restless… after a while patience runs out and i run away.. fill that silence with noise… fill that fear of dissapointment with distraction… argh! God break my heart! break me! I miss that embrace — I miss that intimacy, that consumate love with saturates my soul… and time dissipates like a thin mist in the morning..

I need so desperately to enter His rest — to come into a timeless field of just God and me — to soak in Him, to listen, be silent…

Word of God Speak… please!

woe is me ~

This is somewhat irrelevent to anything, more just a random spray of stray thoughts which I’ve been trying to avoid focussing on the most part — but every now and then decides to pop up because of conversations I happen to be a part of, or various random emotions and things… so I’ll just put a throw a bit out here — stuff thats been at the back of my mind the ‘back burner’ subconscious — fun.. and yes for those of you who don’t know yet i’m talking about that charming, beautiful girl who God is still preparing somewhere, sometime in the distant future… tehe :p

The reason why I’m writing this is mainly cause of what some of my friends were talking/sharing about at the YCCF casual co-chair meeting yesterday that i was sitting in on — and as usual, such conversations about relationships and things naturally bring things to mind..

The reason why I don’t really want to talk about this, or why I’ve been keeping it on the backburner is that I firmly believe I’m not ready for it — emotionally, spiritually, socially, intellectually I need much more formation, and transformation by God before I think I can start, maintain and lead a relationship. Not to say I don’t want a girlfriend - wife to be (I think it’d be great! :D) but.. its very much not what is important right now.

A good blog post i’d like to direct you to is Alex’s What it takes article which has some interelated ideas which I’m talking about, concerning spiritual leadership — which I think is even more important especially in a courtship/marriage relationship.. thanks alex for posting that
but anyways — a few thoughts.. on the topic and different changes in my perspective over the last few months…

*Marriage vis-a-vis with Seminary/Ministry/Missions?*
This has previously been one of those more complex issues of thought, because typically if you think about getting married, it involves a lot of expendatures like buying a house, car, etc… and kids are a major factor in any parents’ life, like to start a family, financial obligations and such which can easily ‘drain’ those early years out of you — and that danger of being ’sucked into the North American dream’ of being middle class, house, car, 1.5 kids, etc.. something that i know i would like, but definately do not want to settle on.

So that issue has often gotten me wary of thinking about it– tho this year another view of getting married early say from undergrad -> graduate, and striving together in learning / ministry.. which personally i think would be soo ideal so like yah! esp since(if) that person is that special someone designed, and chosen by God just for you, ’soul mate’ — then thats like doubly awesome cause then you have a mutual understanding, one calling, one passion.. and i dunno that just seems so romanticizedly lovely to me :p (can also travel & go places together)

*The “Ideal” Girl*
So yah.. just casual thinking — how ‘ideal’ (not necessarly God’s will) that’d be — and sort of opens my heart to hmm maybe.. university maybe i’ll keep my eyes open to that possibility, but definately extra guard on my heart. With that thinking, the natural inclination is to wonder who / what qualities would I be looking for? or more importantly what I was talking about before — those things I need to be formed / transformed in..

To the former - that ‘ideal’ girl would be one who loves God so much that she’d give it all to follow / obey — like comfort, middleclass life, life in Canada, even the relationship/me — to follow God. A love & commitment to Him - above all. Love that is ready to just pick up and leave everything if/when needed. This of course is largely based in the necessity for this girl to be God chosen for me (e.g. same calling) — since that relationship could easily break if God has a seperate plan for her :p

Thats been what i’ve been thinking as the only ‘requirement’ untill recently when I realized like darn… i can easily become drawn to so many Godly women — and its quite drastically draining in that there isn’t much of a ‘guard’? i dunno…

looking back to my previous relationship — I realize several core things I value a lot in relationships are - sincerity, faith, and this odd concept of ‘parallel & complimentary’ — illustrated in a square in which all sides are equal showing equality in love, submission, respect in the relationship– there are parallel lines symbolizing understanding — communication, and the complimentary angles - showing variance that is not so much disruptive but the difference in personality, spiritual gifts, skills etc… which although may cause areas of ‘tension’ compliment each other to form a whole
*Jung, Fullfillment, God’s role in relationships*
An interesting deviant on that thought complimentary is the Jungian Idea of the Anima (female part of the subconscious for guys), or Animus (male part of subconsciously for girls) if you’re a girl. which is sort of this ‘ideal’ image of the opposite gender which you either recognize / project onto a certain person to fullfill that ‘emptyness’ or ‘ideal fantasy’ which that person fullfills until they fail, and you seek for someone else to fullfill that.. and so on and so forth..

Rather sad thought — since true Love is completely different, a lot about fullfillment but not so much the idea but more completion - One. Interesting thought that my mentor talked to me about during the school year and one programs concerning lonliness is that — that emptyness/lonliness we often feel that we think is a need for a boy/girlfriend, isn’t/shouldn’t be filled by a boy/girlfriend rather God is the sole source of living water, sole source of fullfillment for all the emptyness. That is to say - relationships shouldn’t, and rightfully do not play as a role to fill ‘emptyness’ / ‘lonliness’ (not to say that they don’t absolve that feeling) but as our identity is in Christ, so our security is in Christ as well, and He is that source of true satisfaction
So yah.. I really don’t have much to say again except… I want/need to go so much deeper into God because I am so unready for that special person whom I desire very much to meet but God would you first saturate, fill, enrench me with YOU before that.

hmmm… Praise God

June 4th, 2006 - Pentecost Sunday.
Gathering the church of Christ from all nations, languages, cultures — all together to repent of sins, worship our Lord Jesus Christ, and pray for our country, the world — and the countries, peoples, wars, and social constructions around us.

*smiles* A Glimpse of Heaven, where “every knee will bow, every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord!” Beautiful.

hms.. this year we (Cat, Gabes, Shirley, Karmel and I) went down to the 2nd Annual Global Day of Prayer, which was at the ACC and to say the least it was a pretty interesting experience… atleast in my opinion. Cross denomination Worship styles, prayer & responce, and just general reality of the multiculturalism of Toronto and how it reflects that aformentioned prophesy really really neat!

Prayer time was pretty interesting — what happened was there was free open prayer to invite God into the communities around us, so everyone just prayed — then there was corporate prayer which addressed specific areas or ‘gateways’ of influence in the country, where an individual who worke in that sector would come and pray — and we would all respond with scripture or a small segment of prayer. Interesting way to engage in prayer..

Aside from all that content stuff — something that caught my attention was the emphasis on choir and dance, like to me — in a critical yet ignorant way — i find during worship I find it hard to understand or appreciate it when the choir sings at church — let alone at the global day of prayer — like song is to God but when the choir sings — they’re the only ones singing and it seems kinda showy– you sort of just sit there and let them ‘minister’ to you… but whats the point right? Similarly with dance — with fancy, artistic ribbons, tamberines, and things — it feels kinda of showy? so with that thought — i wanted to check out the theology behind that –
Theology of Dance an interesting take — like fullfillment of prophesy, a sign to show freedom, restoration, and victory for the Church, Helping Visual People to worship, and other biblical references — to show that
still somewhat curious about choirs tho — because well atleast at Jaffray choirs are generally — a group of people go up on the stage and they sing some song in some super artsy way — its not really leading in worship… more you sit there and watch. As such — it seems kind of showy, like yes they are worshipping God, but what are we doing? or.. atleast ‘how’ do you participate in such worship.. ? In prayers/comments after the choir singing they often say “we thank the choir for ministering to us” but… how? can’t really find much theology or significance.. tho it reminds me that — it sort of immitates the choir of angels in heaven?

Another possible idea — is sorta going back to The Bride of Christ imagery where the she might be singing and dancing to our Lord — but perhaps her eyes are closed and the eyes do nothing — yet together as one — we are worshipping Him even if we aren’t doing anything?? we share in the glory of Him loving us… all the same..?
mms… just some thoughts to think over

really tired right now… quite a bit on my mind, things I need to do in the near future, and emotions/desires in past, and far future..

*Water Shed Emotions : rain*
tears.. to say the very least. This morning my dearest cousin left for HK, I was suppose to drive / bring her to the airport but I ended up falling asleep after spending a few hours chatting till around 4 last night… And although her leave was inevitable… I woke up this morning and a flood of emotion, just crushed down upon me.. Like… hms… she’s gone to another world, to another ‘time’ (zone), and like worlds apart from my existance, my life… with only msn, occaisional phone calls and fun memories.

bits of sorrow creeping into the depths of my soul.. thoughts of reflection in the past few days… i think i feel a sense regret? thoughts of condemnation at myself, my character — my inadequacies.. in NOT being more hospitable, more communicatable, more friendly… Yet there is NO COMDEMNATION in CHRIST
Just aiy — i’m really touched by the sincerity of her actions, concernedness, her love to such a silly child like myself — but my heart yearns for her to know Christ… that hope seems so distant from reality but… *sighs*

I really miss HK, just imagining it right now… going there, off the plane and into the busy, yet welcoming receiving terminal… the car/boat ride to Tuen Mun, the warmth of family… the attractiveness of materialism & cheap stuff… *hrmms*

*Serving*
A moving on from idleness / resting to more productive / proactive things…

Serving this coming year is going to be interesting…

1. Sunday School - 1 & 2 Timothy, Titus
2. Mentorship / Discipleship ’small group’
3. CCF Prayer Co-ordinator

A sharp contrast from years past — and just a general refocussing on who God is, and seeking Him… got many books to read, many skills to develop..

And really I just wonder — at this pivotal point of equipping for life — university, what am I doing / investing my time to further seek Him, and align myself to His will… like “Is what I’m doing right now… going to get me to what He has planned for me?”

A few thoughts on seminary, a few thoughts on missions, and the more humanitary… I’m not sure… He’s shown me a glimpse of His annointing — them spiritual gifts, but… everything seems so far away… rather vague..

but.. yah - just gotta seek Him deeper, more of Jesus! More Holy Spirit ~ More Father, More of God.

Cause at the end of the day it doesn’t matter what we do, how we do it — but more just Him !