pearbox : undefined

Friday 1:06 — got home an hour ago…

have a ton of emails to look after, calls to follow up on, late summer get togethers, lots to pray & prep for…

gotta start gearing up for school :), so i’ll blog later about my trip, just letting you know that I’m back from Florida, away from Ernesto and the crazy traffic conditions down there

*cheers*

In Daytona, Florida right now (its beautifully hot here!) — heading down to Orlando tomorrow… to officially begin my vacation (aside from all those many hours of driving down from Toronto), and hmm.. just in the last few days my schedule has been jam packed with a combination of driving, sleeping and eating a large meal for dinner.. leaving very little time to get into reading the Word, the Holy Spirit book by A.B. Simpson, listen to a few sermons by Tozer, pray + reflect & start some of the more finer details for YCCF prayer..

No doubt — the coming few days will be even more busy… but despite all the fun ‘magic of disney’ I have this yearning just to retreat away and find some ’sacred space’ — I hesitate against using the word silence… but really just time to spend with God without the running back and forth and the tv blasting off in the background.

So yah — hopefully I’ll find some of that and get back to writing, reflecting and sharing more regarding the word — In the meanwhilst… I was finishing off Colossians today and this passage stood out:

*Colossians 4:2-6 NKJV*
2Continue earnestly in prayer, being vigilant in it with thanksgiving; 3 meanwhile praying also for us, that *God would open to us a door for the word, to speak the mystery of Christ, for which I am also in chains, 4 that I may make it manifest, as I ought to speak.*
5 Walk in wisdom toward those who are outside, redeeming the time. 6 *Let your speech always be with grace, seasoned with salt, that you may know how you ought to answer each one.*

I still have to chew some more and crunch on that tidbit for a whilst… so I’ll leave it at that.

I’m down around the border of Virginia and North Carolina right now — have a slight headache from either the high altitude, or the beginnings of a flu or cold — Just wanted to give a heads up for those of you who follow my blog — cause i’m not sure if the other hotels will have wifi (with strong enough signal) so if I suddenly vanish for two weeks you’ll know what happened

Anyways — just wanted to share a little thought from retreat during small group regarding hurt –

Sometimes when we get hurt/wounded, we go to the throne of God and claim the mercy and grace which He promises for us in time of need (Heb 4:16), we pray and petition for healing — and He does heal — over the necessary time of healing, but something that came up in discussion was just — a lot of the times when we are wounded we hold on to that wound — we ask and pray and seek God for it but the deep wound, the pain keeps us from letting go–

just like if i get a deep cut in my hand, I’m going to want to hold it tight so that it’ll heal, so i won’t feel as much pain — it won’t be exposed or touch something causing more pain..

but in order for it to heal the best, and quickest — I’d need to let go and let a physician/mom look at it put on the right bandages, disinfectant and so on..

likewise — when we hold on to hurt that cuts us deep inside– our heart, our emotions — we need to be genuine and honest with ourselves and God… we need faith to open our hearts and give it all to Him.. completely.. that He might return His fullness in place of our emptyness.

I guess thats all simple and intellectual.., (irrelevent if you’re in pain)

but mm — as Pam & Roger shared:
obediance, ‘doing all the required things’ is easy, but surrender ‘giving it all to Christ’ is hard

God desires obedience not sacrifice.
and complete obedience being impossible — it is fruitless to hold on to our own hurts and try to heal them by squishing the wound together, likewise our emotions into our subconscious.. rather let us come to Him and lay our burdens, wounds before Him — put our faith in Him to let him wash, bandage and mend our hurt..

mm

Attended Aletheia Camp this past weekend and mm just so much revelation/conviction through Pam & Roger’s (Western ACF’s Counselors) teaching and sharing of the Word, small groups, and just simply conversing with Him out in the wildnerness..

*pride*
One of the things I’ve been unaware of but struggling with this past weekend and last while is pride. Coming into the camp there was just this massive chasm of emptyness, unreadiness, not really knowing what to expect or being ‘prepared’ to lead small group.. and just in the first day — so much insecurity, uncertainty in what to do/lead the small group..

*my lack of faith* — my unbelief in God’s grace being fully, absolutely, completely, sufficient for me.. that I’d need to do more to try to intervene in the sharing of His grace & glory…
*foolish thoughts*, or As Paul writes..

*Galatians 3:1-3 NKJV*
*O foolish Galatians!* Who has bewitched you that you should not obey the truth, before whose eyes Jesus Christ was clearly portrayed among you as crucified? 2 This only I want to learn from you: Did you receive the Spirit by the works of the law, or by the hearing of faith? Are you so foolish? Having begun in the Spirit, are you now being made perfect by the flesh?

just me trying to love, me trying to share — that infinite joy, yet finding myself disconnected from God; being utterly empty.. unable to share in that grace.. Roger shared this [sunday] morning about how you can’t give without first being given…

*1 John 4:10-11 NKJV*
10 *In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us* and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins. 11 Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another

Simple, straight forward truth from the Holy Scriptures..

yet me, in my arrogance tried to push the opposite — trying to share what I had not received…

going into this camp — I felt God was leading me to finding sufficiency in His grace during times when i was sad / weak — and to find solace in that.. which albeit true; isn’t where God wanted to leave me — much rather — in both joy and sadness, strength and weakness — to go to Him, seek and *know* Him that by surrendering everything — I would receive that infinite love & grace — that by the Holy Spirit comes and brims over me and spills onto others..

*not because of what I’ve done, but because of who You are* (Who Am I, Casting Crowns)

God is love (1 John 4:8, 16).
By His love manifested in glory on the Cross, Christ. By His Spirit that dwells within us — so that as little children we might come to know the Father.

And though — my heart is to share that exceeding joy of walking in light, His Spirit — of seeking Him and knowing Him, my heart has been prideful, detering me from sharing and being completely authentic and genuine — before God, myself, you my readers, my brothers and sisters — I want to apologize for my arrogance which has put me off from receiving that love to share with you, thus giving an emptyness to many of words…

*1 Cor 13:1 NKJV*
Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a clanging cymbal.

Praise God — and special Thanks to Pam & Roger and Alex for staying so faithful in teaching/preaching the Word — that in sharing it, God has shown, searched and convicted me of the condition of my heart to which even I wasn’t aware of — Praise God!

Today marks their 200th anniversary:

*Haystack movement*
In August, 1806, Mills and four others were caught in a thunderstorm while returning from their usual [prayer] meeting. Seeking refuge under a haystack they waited out the storm and gave themselves to prayer. Their special focus of prayer that day was for *the awakening of foreign missionary interest among students.*

[...]

“Bowed in prayer, these first American student volunteers for foreign missions willed that *God should have their lives for service wherever he needed them*, and in that self-dedication really gave birth to the first student missionary society in America.”
Read More @ Urbana.org
*Source:* *http://www.urbana.org/wtoday.witnesses.cfm?article=61

*wonderment..*
I wake into this world with nothing but cries,
pain strikens me as I open my eyes
my first breath– that placid dead air;
eats quickly away innocence, Woe, despair.
With each passing moment, the sun swirves by.
spinning away time, years — my life; good bye.
And still… I sit here in wonderment–
For Your arms are open wide..
What can I say? What can I do?
but hold on; as life high tides..

For still you hold me close, still you draw me near
in midst of You — there is absolutely nothing to fear.
And so I wait and search for You.. for Your great sovereign will,
Your heart — Your person O Lord..

hmm… i’m not too sure what to say — different things on my mind.. a lot of speculation, second thinking of myself, wonderment.. confusion.. but mmm here’s a verse

*Ephesians 5:19-21 NKJV*
but *be filled with the Spirit*, 19 speaking to one another in *psalms* and *hymns* and *spiritual songs*, *singing and making melody in your heart to the Lord*, 20 *giving thanks always for all things to God* the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, 21 *submitting to one another in the fear of God.*

beautiful… God making manifest/revealing to me these past few days.. mm. oh the joy of singing and dancing before Him…
*On another note — in reflection..*

*Surrender*
Marc James

I’m giving you my heart, and all that is within
I lay it all down for the sake of you my King
I’m giving you my dreams, I’m laying down my rights
I’m giving up my pride for the promise of new life

And I surrender all to you, all to you
And I surrender all to you, all to you

I’m singing you this song, I’m waiting at the cross
And all the world holds dear, I count it all as loss
For the sake of knowing you the glory of your name
To know the lasting joy even sharing in your pain

©2000 Vineyard Songs

Surrender.mp3

*Ephesians 5:3-6 NKJV*
But fornication and all uncleanness or covetousness, let it *not even be named among you*, as is fitting for saints; 4 neither filthiness, nor *foolish talking*, nor *coarse jesting*, which are not fitting, but *rather giving of thanks.* 5 For this you know, that no fornicator, unclean person, nor covetous man, who is an idolater, has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God. 6 Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of these things the wrath of God comes upon the sons of disobedience

I was reading Ephesians today — and i came accross these verses which really struck a chord with something I’ve been unconsciously struggling with… as well as have had a discontent with in regards to teh fellowship…

So like it says — in vs 11, I’d like to expose these sins hidden in the darkness even to myself — that I might with a clear conscious ‘preach the word’ and share in the reflections — my findings..

*my sin*
At Church, fellowship I’ve always found this gap between me and most of the ‘popular’ people — they’re always joking around, with their small talk and fun & jokes… and a lot of the time — i just don’t find their jokes all that funny since most of it comes in the form of friendly banter of insults and witty remarks — which by all means, and social conventions is ‘all good and all’ except — one of the struggles with that this past year was that it didn’t show that love that Christ has for us — nor does it show love within the community… y’know like its by our love for each other that people know that we are His disciples — but all (most) our remarks seem inclined towards tearing people down?

Regardless… I want to confess and repent of my sin — in taking part in some of these ‘fun’ loveless talks… which is foolish because it avails to nothing but the tearing down of each other… rather than love, edification — the mutual spurring on and building each other up — and thankfulness..

like just this friday — going out with a few of my friends for some chinese deserts, and finding myself wordless.. not really able to relate — and in my want to fit in, to be acknowledged… i misused the gift of language, the gift of intellect — and fashioned for myself a idolatry… disobedience.. putting on my former self — that i might be found acceptable in such company… I talk about being genuine, being transparent — yet so easily am i drawn up in my want for acceptence and conversation with a friend that i would betray my Lord… both displeasing my beloved, and putting down a group of people whom — He most definately loves… mm

through my discontent with my church fellowship… God has been showing me more and more how I can talk and protest about all thats going on — but really I am part of His church His bride, and that problem is not just there — and at each step, each glance I find myself so fully saturated in the same sins myself… how can i even begin to correct others — when there is this huge plank in my own eye?

Either way .. for myself — for you, aletheia — whatever… The Holy Scriptures tell us that it should not even be named amongst us… so I beg for you — to come and be cleansed, being washed in the Word — that we might not become deceived by empty words, and we might escape His wrath that comes upon those sons of disobedience (v7).

*Ephesians 5:25-27 NKJV*
25Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26*to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word*, 27and to present her to himself as a *radiant church*, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but *holy and blameless*.

so in being cleansed… let us together walk in love– that all might know that Jesus Christ IS our Lord… let us not have our hearts stray in trying to find our value in the approval of our friends, even our brothers and sisters in Christ — rather let our identity, worth — all value be found in Christ, and Christ alone.

*Ephesians 4:31-32 NKJV*
31 Let *all* bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking *be put away from you, with all malice*. 32 *And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.*

+I really want to write more on Galatians and Ephesians 5 — regarding marriage & the imagery between husband & wife — Christ and His bride..

*Floral Embrance*
in the peaceful silence, a beautiful sound is heard
like the delicate roll of a piano, or the silent chime of a bell
these words are hidden within me,
unseen, unheard, and almost without suspect
the quiet affections of my heart,
the reserved and mindful concern alive within
unexpressed, reserved, and hidden from utterance.
these words buried deep within my heart
and guarded by the inner depths of the soul.
waiting, in the uncertainty of life, the uncertainty of time
anticipating for that memorable vow..
like a delicate rose, untouched – a virgin in its beauty
so these words of mine will stay,
till spring unravels and love does blossom,
and like a butterfly to an orchid,
so i will to my beloved.

I wrote this poem last year’s yesterday — regarding my feelings & hopes for a particular young lady whom I find much delight in… and though then I wrote as a child… immature, naive, with stray dreams… there is still much truth in the thoughts, emotions, and reflections in this piece…

Today, its a year later, a day after the 12th — I have become much more alive, understanding much more than I did a year ago.. my heart is alive with faith, I am beginning to mature more, grow more — and instead of insecurities I have found my identity, value, fullfillment in the only place Truth is found — in Jesus Christ.

Yet in midst of all that change, I find my heart still the same, finding more and more delight in this beautiful, precious daughter of God. This woman who submits in humility to His Word, His Will.. understanding that there is so much more — in knowing Him intimately, in relationship…

O how I want this sister to grow so much deeper in Him, to find that abounding richness and fullness that comes in His love, understanding that depth — unfathomable aside from the Holy Spirit of His Grace for us.

In talking and sharing my feelings with her today — I’m somewhat saddened — that my own feelings of attraction are not quite shared — and perhaps those dreams/hopes simmer a shade closer to morning mist… but in midst of all that — I praise and thank our Lord Jesus Christ for the friendship we still share… instead of awkwardness — there is truth, authenticity, a genuine trust and understanding…

mmm… what more can I ask? what more can I say.. but the joy we share already in knowing our Lord Jesus Christ, is surpassing — beyond all things.. *sighs*

*smiles* quiet tears… solace in His embrace.

O God — beloved..
You are so good to me, so faithful so loving… Lord I put in your hands this friendship — all these dreams, hopes, possibilities… all things I give to you in surrender.. As I put my heart so delicate in your hands — would you shape it, wash it — renew me that God I might be a clearer, a fuller reflection of you — having that beautiful beautiful love indwelt in me; God would you lift this dear friend of mine so close to you — that as she continues to seek you earnestly you would pour down your promises, blessings, love, faith — Your Holy Spirit into her soul more and more.. Your sovereign will, your heart — God I seek you in these things… would you breathe understanding into me.. I trust you… and tho I am not ready to give up all hope — all dreams I submit to your will.. these tears i give to You– Lord heal this broken heart.. mmm thank you dear love, dear Jesus — I rest in your warm embrace..
Amen.

*John 14:1 NKJV*
Let not your heart be troubled; you believe in God, believe also in Me.