pearbox : undefined

lately I’ve been feeling a great deal of loneliness, distance, and a general sense of superficialness. Like in my heart there is this fiery, passionate cry — this desperate yearning, longing just to be in the presence of my God, just to know Him more — to go deep in Him.

but then there sits this loneliness, blindness to His presence — to His intimate Spirit indwelt within me — just this huge lack of faith. Like yeah — I know God is Faithful, His love inseparable, all in all — but in my service, in my worship — i feel like i am distant from him for some reason… and tho I’m giving all that i have been given — i feel this great chasm of emptiness within my heart… this longing just to know Him, and finding nothing..

Sometimes, especially when everyone is busy; i wonder at my emptiness and if someone might come by and help bring light to it… but there is nothing, so i just hold onto this chasm — praying seeking that God would come meet with me — that i might be healed, restored — i dunno just loneliness… distance from the One I love…

that said, added with the busy schedule — and lacking the time to just reflect on the things that have been happening, I’ve found myself trying to justify my ‘great chasm of emptiness’ by saying — that everyone else is busy and that God will somehow come and fill; just keep pressing on… trying to push by each day; losing sight of how His Sovereign Grace is working within my life…

like when Joeie, Brandon, Gabes, Dan whomever asks me how I’m doing I’m struck dumbfounded.. with a ‘ok la,’ ‘fine,’ ‘alright…’ — like i don’t even know how my relationship with God is right now… except that i feel unhappily distant, and perseverance is what seems to be waning quickly…

i don’t really know whats wrong… lately, i’ve been seeking in prayer / scripture — that God might find this chasm… and that gaping plug that resists the awesome flow of Grace into that depth of my heart…

I’m still unsure with what it is — but a sermon i was listening to day — brought this verse to mind,

*Proverbs 18:1 NKJV*
A man who isolates himself seeks his own desire; He rages against all wise judgment.

convicting part of me that my great affliction of pride has its roots so deeply embedded that so many times i am totally blind to it; like in this case — trying to hold the chasm — and ‘wait’ for God with my heart closed rather than being open and genuine, authentic to God, myself, and all my dear friends who love & care so much… that i might open, expose that — and let healing to begin..

*sighs* - I’m not sure what to say… but these few verses Mavis shared with me — really resonate with how i feel right now..

*Song of Songs 3:1-3 NKJV*
By night on my bed I sought the one I love; I sought him, but I did not find him.“ I will rise now,” I said, “ And go about the city; In the streets and in the squares I will seek the one I love.” I sought him, but I did not find him. The watchmen who go about the city found me; I said, “Have you seen the one I love?”

quick prayer request — before I go to bed.

– feeling kinda sick (sore throat, cough, runny nose, sneezing)
– spiritually yearning/desperate + in need of rest
– discernment in words, motives etc.. (wrote a little email concerning my concerns for some of the sermons we’ve been handing)

& just His continual revelation & guidance — my cry is just to know Him more– to go deep in Him; and share that with you & those around..

+hopefully i’ll get some time to blog & update Tuesday,

thanks.

Just something I stumbled upon at the The Rebelution Blog check it out

Genuine, Authentic, Deep, Intimate, Relationship with Jesus

*Just a bit of sharing–*
I want to be genuine and authentic with you dear reader about my struggles, and the various things I fall into — during my walk and stumblings in seeking God.

So in my struggles — I pray and hope that God would be glorified, and you be edified; Would His Grace, conveyed to you in His Spirit; move Faith and Love and Joy to abound in you.

First - I want to confess of my sin to God, and to you — that in these past few days I have started to drift away in my heart… My desire for wordliness and the pleasures of this world has escalated and overcome me, and my heart tainted and stained — has begun to yield to the ‘lullaby’ of this world.

*Name that Sin:*
- sexual immorality: lust, masturbation.

- idolatry: materialism & covetousness.

But as God has shown us in His Holy Scriptures -

*Ephesians 5:11-14 NKJV*
And *have no fellowship* with the unfruitful works of darkness, but *rather expose them*. 12 For it is shameful even to speak of those things which are done by them in secret. 13 But *all things that are exposed are made manifest by the light*, for whatever makes manifest is light. 14 Therefore He says: *“Awake, you who sleep, Arise from the dead, And Christ will give you light.”*

He is Holy and He calls us, his children to be Holy (Lev 19:2), and we are to have *No fellowship* — not even a hint; completely free from blemish. For our God is a Holy God.

So what? Are we to die — and be rejected by this Holy God?

Many of us — even after becomining Christians for a good many years still struggle with sin, we are — though redeemed still somehow in bondage. Making us doubt our confession — cause how can we truly profess to love God and worship Him, if our hands are unclean — our hearts and our minds divided in dissonance to what we confess and what we practice? How can we say we repent and go on that night to sin again? To us, it seems it is hypocrisy on our part — the most hated ‘christian stereotype’; one of the very things Jesus taught against –

For myself — I’ve been fighting this particular sin — sexual immorality, impurity, lust, masturbation or wahtever you would like to call it for a long while. Since I was 10, and still like last night I fall to it. In the past I’ve tried everything to battle with this — I’ve tried guilt tripping myself, tried making a ‘covenant’ with God, tried ’self control’ and wearing a belt to bed, i had an accountability partner for a while, prayed and prayed — but nothing worked..

*but why?*
Is it that God in His sovereignty of grace has forsaken and condemned me because i simply sinned too much? and was beyond His love? *Certainly Not!*

In Scripture - It tells us:

*Romans 8:1 NKJV*
*There is therefore now no condemnation* to those who are in Christ Jesus, (who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit.)

No Condemnation!

If God doesn’t condemn you — then why should you condemn yourself? Guilt tripping yourself isn’t going to change you… rather emotionally torment yourself more and more, making you feel less and less worthy of Him.

In the popular Passion worship song by Charlie Hall, Marvelous Light — there’s a line that depicts the truth of the Cross –
“Sin has lost its power, Death has lost its sting, From the Grave You have risen, Victoriously.”

*So lets consider this–*
What actually is sin’s power?
What is it that makes a Christian (redeemed sinner) different from a nonbeliever (sinner not yet knowing Grace?)

Let me suggest to you this–
*Sin’s power is:*
1. Deserving of Wrath & Condemnation - death (Rom 3:23)
2. Separation from a Holy & Just God.
3. Fear & Guilt (Rom 13:3, Gen 3:8)

Jesus’ death on the cross, being risen on the third day Victoriously has broken and torn down sin’s power over us completely, that debt we once owed — is now paid for by the blood of our Saviour and Lord, Jesus Christ. Grace - Undeserved Kindness.

Again — No condemnation in Christ!

God, in His Holiness and Justness, has every reason to condemn us for our unfaithfulness, but He does NOT because of His love for us — that He would rather die for us, than for us be seperated from Him forever.

So really — why is it that we, or atleast I try to battle sin by condemning myself? Accountability groups which try to use scare tactics and *hard questions?* Why is it that knowing His grace, and His love in not condemning me — that I have to go and condemn myself in order to try to ‘justify’ myself and change?

It doesn’t work like that — Paul writes to the Galatians and me — rebuking me over and over for that thought:

*Galatians 5:4 NKJV*
You have become estranged from Christ, you who *attempt to be justified by law*; you have fallen from grace.

It is by His Grace — given to us freely, there is NOTHING, abosolutely NOTHING we can do to earn this freedom.

you say — Perry, I know that, thats why I pray but I’ve been praying for ever and ever to no avail.

to that — God says:

*James 4:2-4 NKJV*
2 You lust and do not have. You murder and covet and cannot obtain. You fight and war. Yet you do not have because you do not ask. *You ask and do not receive, because you ask amiss*, that you may spend it on your pleasures. 4 Adulterers and adulteresses! Do you not know that *friendship with the world is enmity with God*? Whoever therefore wants to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God.

We ask amiss — how do we ask amiss? I’m praying to God for grace, for freedom that He might break this stronghold that I might serve Him more, and glorify Him with a clear conscience! How can that be a miss? It says in Leviticus 19:2 — that God is Holy and he calls us to be Holy — how do I ask amiss?

The answer — we fail to see and realize God’s heart for us. Think about it — God in all His sovereignty, all His Love and Grace — all His power can free you from your sins just like that. The price is paid — His spirit is given — the only thing not ready is our hearts –

sure our heart wants to worship Him, and thats all good and dandy — but God desires a relationship with us. Not for us to be free to do what we want in His name. *NOT what we want to do* No — He came and died on the cross that He might remove our sin — that we would have eternal life — which is to *know Him.* God desires obedience (a relational construct) verses sacrifice (a singular action).

He calls us to live in relationship with Him to delve further in His character, in His love, in His grace — not just to claim the liberty and freedom from condemnation to do what we want and ‘think’ he wants to do –

No — His Grace is NOT a free ticket to sin when and where and how we want.

Rather — the liberty given to us is for this purpose:

*Galatians 5:13 NKJV*
13For you, brethren, have been called to liberty; only *do not use liberty as an opportunity for the flesh*, but through *love serve one another.*

our freedom, our liberty is for the purpose of loving others. How do we love others you ask? by loving Him who loved us first (1 John 4:19) — as Pam & Roger put so wisely back at aletheia retreat — we cannot give to others what we ourselves do not have.

So with that — I urge you dear reader as a fellow soldier, a fellow sinner — that you and I might seek God wholeheartedly — our hearts not divided — but that as we seek for His heart, our prayers might align to His will — further on in Galatians it says:

*Galatians 5:16-17 NKJV*
I say then: *Walk in the Spirit, and you shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh.* 17 For the flesh lusts against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; and these are contrary to one another, so that you do not do the things that you wish.

Let us walk in the Spirit — that our hearts, our desires might be rendered towards His. *Claiming that promise of purity and freedom* Let us live in light — with all darkness exposed that we might be genuine authentic people for we are set free — and have nothing to hide, rather our lives are to shine to the world — as a light inmidst of a dark and perverse generation. (Phil 2:15)

Yes we are going to sin, we are still in our flesh — but even when we do that — sin has lost its power! God loves us just the same — with His faithful inseperable love (Rom 8:38-39), we are not held in bondage — not held in the grips of guilt for there is NO CONDEMNATION! — and so even when we sin, we can continue with confidence that God’s grace, manifested on the Cross in Jesus has already paid once and for all for our sins (Heb 7:27) — and out of the joy and fullfillment of knowing Him — His grace sustains us — His Spirit transforms and renders our desires to Him; and out of that — out of knowing Him we are free..

*James 4:8 NKJV*
*Draw near to God and He will draw near to you*. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and *purify your hearts, you double-minded.*

So let us arise — and just seek Him first, and everything else — all that we seek, holiness, purity, freedom He will add to us. Let us Repent and die to self trying — and rely on His Sovereign, Powerful Grace to sanctify and transform us ~

Praise be to Him — who washes away all my sin! breaking the grips and snares of death — breathing life into a dead heart, awakening my soul — to live and know Him.

@722 - Pure Light (Tattoo, Part 2), Louie Giglio

my words, His Grace.

Just a short administrative note –

I have just deleted the guestblock from the website because
a) no one uses it
b) people have been spamming it a lot lately

so rather than fight it, its just easier to bypass it and remove it altogether.

God has been teaching me what it means to be humble and dependent on His grace in both ministry and my writing here in my little corner on the internet/ ‘christian blogsphere’ — so before I get into writing about my reflections for prayer/ministry — I’d just like to share what God has been showing me this past while in midst of my time of ‘writers block’ and not finding much ‘inspiration’ or ‘reflection’ to share with you, my dear reader.

I started reading 1 Corinthians on my commute to school yesterday and the Holy Spirit led me to this passage..

*1 Corinthians 1:17 NKJV*
For Christ did not send me to baptize, but *to preach the gospel, not with wisdom of words, lest the cross of Christ should be made of no effect.*

and today He led me to the next chapter and more specifically –

*1 Corinthians 2:1-5 NKJV*
1 And I, brethren, when I came to you, *did not come with excellence of speech or of wisdom* declaring to you the testimony of God. 2 For I determined not to know anything among you *except Jesus Christ and Him crucified.* 3 I was with you in weakness, in fear, and in much trembling. 4 And *my speech and my preaching were not with persuasive words of human wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power, 5 that your faith should not be in the wisdom of men but in the power of God.*

Just reading those two passages — we see Paul’s humility, soul/sole focus on the peaching of the Gospel — taking nothing for himself in glory, in word, in attitude — all to the Glory of God and that His beloved Church might know Him and depend on Him, verses our own silly human musings –

For me — in my late struggle with pride.. to be honest there are often a lot of things I want to share with you guys, here, at fellowship, in person whatever — but that pride holds me back.. because just as Paul writes, what benefit is it to you — what glory is it to God, if you listen/read to my words which are at times stricken with my own thinking, my own humanly wisdom that by pride is divorced from ‘revelation’ (lower case r) of the Holy Spirit. It wouldn’t spur you on towards God and thus why might the Holy Spirit demonstrate us when we continually greive Him?

It’s totally not beneficial — and really what can i say, what vocabulary or diction can I employ to lead you into knowing God, that richness and fullness of His grace — just to be enthralled by and in Him. It’s definately not by my eloquence of words.

Even Paul — an educated Pharisee; a Jew of Jews, a Roman citizen — Annointed and Chosen by Jesus Christ, Himself to be a spokesperson to the Gentiles — did not weigh pride in that but came in humility — not with persuasive pretty words or human wisdom — but just as he was in obedience to Christ — that the Corinthian church might come to know God, in the *demonstration of His Spirit and Power*

In our depravity as human beings — no matter what I or you or whomever does or says — there is NOTHING we can do to be saved, to have eternal life, to KNOW God, for who He is, and His unfathomable, richness of Grace, Mercy and Love, we can do NOTHING to further our relationship with Him — but ONLY in believing in Christ and confessing that He is Lord — having a true genuine loving surrendering relationship with Him, that is continual beyond ‘the point conversion’ by GRACE through FAITH — given to us freely by The Father — through Christ and in the work of the Holy Spirit indwelt within us, bringing us ‘revelation’ of the truth and life we are called to–

*It by His Sovereign and All Sufficient Grace* - and in that alone. that we are given faith, understanding — to who He is — that we have life.

Dear reader — as you read my empty powerless words, I pray that the the Holy Spirit might speak faith into your heart– infusing these words with power, that you might receive further Grace — and a Faith that abounds and abounds in your knowledge, understanding and relationship with God, our Father.. would you be edified and God Glorified — in these simple truths I have shared…

Praise God!

I’ve been trying to blog the whole day, but seems like I’m stuck in a bit of writers block — I have a few things I want to talk about but i don’t think my thoughts are fully formed yet — but I’ll try to get back into my routine bloggings asap.

*for now* — check out these links
Alex Leung (sixsteps.org) - Confronting Evangelical Accomodation
Adrian Warnock - Charismatic Debate (response)

-just some edifying reads that caught my eye yesterday
*Schoolwise* - a few changes for my Fall schedule
(mainly dropped mandarin cause i understood 5% of the lecture)
*Monday:*
Linguistics: Morphological Analysis
Psychology: Cognition

*Wednesday:*
Linguistics: Morphological Analysis
Social Science: Introduction to the Study of Religion (pending)

*Thursday*
Psychology: Statistical Methods 1
Introduction to Religion (pending)

*online:* Computers, Information, and Society.

I’ve been a bit busy this past week with a number of things like prepping for and starting the new school year, prepping for ministry, swapping classes, buying & selling books and in midst of that - find time to relax a shake of the last bit of summer laziness.. but I’m back now and school has started up– a bit of a shaky start but i’m looking forward to this year @ York & CCF

Just taking the Viva past Vari Hall and stepping foot again at York Keele Campus brings this rush of exhileration and excitement for what God has in planned for this year.. He’s shown me so much in first year — continued so much in the summer; and hope & wonder in anticipation for this year..

All poetics & romantics aside, I’m also a bit uneasy about this coming year — cause tho I left campus back in April on a high note — summer/work/vacation and what not has thrown me around quite a bit… and I’m finding myself lacking quite a bit in faith this past while — as posted in the last post; feeling quite a ways distant from Him relationally.. just in these past few days finishing class thursday night having a free day before all the studying and this great wealth of time… wasted; rather than seeking Him & drawing near — running away unsure and uncertain of His presence — which I knew is inserparable from me..

*sighs* sin has lost its power, yet in these few days I’ve begun to drift away — not finding sufficiency, sovereignty in His ever sufficient and sovereign grace, I feel my wayward heart pulling me aside to the exesses of this world that i might become ensnarled and enamored into the pleasures of this world; giving up life and His grace for a temporary satisfying ‘bowl of soup’ as Esau did.. (Heb 12:16)

mmm — how much I need to revive my ’spiritual vitality’ instead of being like those who have their understanding darkened, alienated from the life of God cause their heart was blind.. (Eph 4:17-19) instead of that!

in the knowledge of Him, His grace & sovereignty — Paul beseeches us/me to *walk worthy of the calling with which you were called* with all lowliness and gentleness with longsuffering, bearing with one another in love, endeavoring to keep the unity of the spirit in the bond of of peace. There is one body and one Spirit, just as you were called in one hope of your calling; one Lord, one faith, one baptism; one God and Father of all, who is above all, and through all and in all. (Eph 4:1-6)

much for me to meditate on in the early rustlings of this year —

Father –
I am broken– a child run astray; a lover stained with lewdness — unworthy to call your own. God i’ve greived your Spirit on so many occaisions, sinned in blaspheme to all that you are — and yet Jesus you’ve come and washed me; atoned me of my sin once and for all.. taken all shame away.. Lord please dont let me take this love for granted — would you speak faith into my soul; breathe a thirst and hunger — a renewed craving desperation for You that God I might awake again, and run in worship to you. God I’m tired of living in the flesh, tired of trying on my own — I want to live unto you– all, completely, unrestrained for you; Holy Spirit consume me; O Consuming Fire rain down upon me — and sin like chaff; yeast and all would be burned away. Lord lead me to live a life worthy of your calling — lead me in your ways.. that i might walk in Your light, in Your wisdom — Your Spirit.. Amen.