pearbox : undefined

lately I’ve been feeling a great deal of loneliness, distance, and a general sense of superficialness. Like in my heart there is this fiery, passionate cry — this desperate yearning, longing just to be in the presence of my God, just to know Him more — to go deep in Him.

but then there sits this loneliness, blindness to His presence — to His intimate Spirit indwelt within me — just this huge lack of faith. Like yeah — I know God is Faithful, His love inseparable, all in all — but in my service, in my worship — i feel like i am distant from him for some reason… and tho I’m giving all that i have been given — i feel this great chasm of emptiness within my heart… this longing just to know Him, and finding nothing..

Sometimes, especially when everyone is busy; i wonder at my emptiness and if someone might come by and help bring light to it… but there is nothing, so i just hold onto this chasm — praying seeking that God would come meet with me — that i might be healed, restored — i dunno just loneliness… distance from the One I love…

that said, added with the busy schedule — and lacking the time to just reflect on the things that have been happening, I’ve found myself trying to justify my ‘great chasm of emptiness’ by saying — that everyone else is busy and that God will somehow come and fill; just keep pressing on… trying to push by each day; losing sight of how His Sovereign Grace is working within my life…

like when Joeie, Brandon, Gabes, Dan whomever asks me how I’m doing I’m struck dumbfounded.. with a ‘ok la,’ ‘fine,’ ‘alright…’ — like i don’t even know how my relationship with God is right now… except that i feel unhappily distant, and perseverance is what seems to be waning quickly…

i don’t really know whats wrong… lately, i’ve been seeking in prayer / scripture — that God might find this chasm… and that gaping plug that resists the awesome flow of Grace into that depth of my heart…

I’m still unsure with what it is — but a sermon i was listening to day — brought this verse to mind,

*Proverbs 18:1 NKJV*
A man who isolates himself seeks his own desire; He rages against all wise judgment.

convicting part of me that my great affliction of pride has its roots so deeply embedded that so many times i am totally blind to it; like in this case — trying to hold the chasm — and ‘wait’ for God with my heart closed rather than being open and genuine, authentic to God, myself, and all my dear friends who love & care so much… that i might open, expose that — and let healing to begin..

*sighs* - I’m not sure what to say… but these few verses Mavis shared with me — really resonate with how i feel right now..

*Song of Songs 3:1-3 NKJV*
By night on my bed I sought the one I love; I sought him, but I did not find him.“ I will rise now,” I said, “ And go about the city; In the streets and in the squares I will seek the one I love.” I sought him, but I did not find him. The watchmen who go about the city found me; I said, “Have you seen the one I love?”