pearbox : undefined

just in some reflection.. i think i should postpone some of the stuff I’ve been meaning to write about, just because I’m personally not there yet to be sharing more indepth thoughts on scripture… nor is it particularly inline with the purpose of my journal, so why try to be someone i’m not right? afterall — my journal is my thoughts, reflections, testimony — a written effort to be authentic and truthful about who i am, my struggles, my walk with God and what He’s revealing to me.., so let me lay aside my pride and share myself and what He gives me–

if you want to check out some more edifying thoughts check out the alex’s site or any of the links under ‘edify’ a lot of very very good reads..

so yah… mm there hasn’t actually been much on my mind lately.. after aletheia camp anyways.. my vacation has been rather draining — my lack of faith & discipline pushing me away.. drifting away from Him.. walking in the flesh and the lot; coming back and right now i’m just feeling this great chasm of distance — between God and myself, myself and my friends — and a bit a drift in lonliness..

like I know that no matter how far I fall from grace He welcomes me back and His Holy Spirit is indwelt in me — His love inseperable but O how i miss that closeness, that intimacy with Him… like these next few days i need to get planning on stuff for prayer for ccf.. and in some ways it seems just really really overwhelming because as i’m thinking up new ideas it seems like i’m doing my own thing and hoping His blessing is on me.. like my own ‘creativity’ or really lack of it..

*sighs* in some ways i know there’s really so very little to plan yet at the same time — *i* want to accomplish so much.. which really gets to the problem that I’ve been struggling with — *pride*

ugh… I’m so disgusted with myself and my pride I want to do great things for God, I want my life in His hands completely, 100% but I’m struggling with surrendering it all to Him… of letting go of my desire and want to do something for Him. In my head i have it all stright theologicaly — I want Him to do something great in my life that I might worship Him, glorify and reflect Him in all things…

in my heart that dream is often poisoned, corrupted and it all becomes some worthless bit talk… which hits me that i’m thinking more about what other people think about me, more so than the edification of my brothers and sisters and glory to God.. and though i want to share, i want to do something i stop myself because my motivation for sharing though pure at start is poisoned..

take sharing at aletheia for example — i want to share about all that God’s been doing in my life this past year — but then i feel like i have to make an image of myself of being a whatever christian and bla bla bla… or when other people share or even in sermons sometimes i’m thinking oooh are they going to talk about me?

vanity… like *its not about me!!* darn it perry!
His Grace is sufficient! enough! why do you lack so much faith in believing that simple truth — that simple promise! why are you being so self conceited thinking you can do your own thing by your own flesh? if salvation was accomplished by works then by all means i can boast — but no! salvation was given by grace — by the Spirit; so why do i boast?

Reminds me of James 4 — where it talks about *submit* to God, and resist the devil, and how humility cures wordliness.. and how God resists the prideful.. but lifts up those who are humble — so let our laughter turn to mourning..

perhaps — my thoughts of self glorification are lies which satan whispers in my heart– and though God puts that desire in my heart — He tries to distract me with thoughts of pride.. ? but rather than submitting & resisting — i go the ot her way.. regardless i know that pride is there deeply embedded.. ugh…

*sighs* the school term is coming up real fast — so much to do ministry wise and everything — but i feel so inadequate… so unprepared — i don’t know what to do… i hate last minute and this is getting really last minute… :S but mmm i feel so paralyzed in my planning… i want to do something great for Him — for Him to do something great in me — through me… but im ‘just perry’ silly little perry..

yet still — indwelt by the Holy Spirit — the true and living God, equipped made complete by His Word — being more than a conqueror in His inseperable sovereign love… no fear — rather power, love, a sound mind.. mm..

i want to rediscover intimacy with Him this year– and so much more to share in that intimacy consumate love — communion with my brothers and sisters.. and how utterly inadequate am i… yet so fully powerful is He.. i don’t really know what to say…

kind of just lonliness, disconnectedness, lack of faith — yet knowing full well He is near…

O God.. i commit my life into your hands… Amen.