pearbox : undefined

*smiles* wanted to say a quick thank you to everyone who prayed for me this past weekend — its been quite the wild ride –
(you might be thinking ‘its just school’ — but its quite the chaos with a virus jumping around in your throat, exhaustion from massive cough attacks — and just the sheer mass of 240 pages worth of lab experiments to learn — yum!)

But yah — God is Good, God is Gracious — and His Word endures forever Interesting few weeks this past while — been learning just to trust in His Grace in my school work in particular — not having much time to really practice or study — cause of ministry / family, but finding time just to meditate on his word — and seek for Him first and for most.

Its awkward — cause though I have massive amounts of information to study for them exams — there’s a deep sense of peace — in just relying on/in His Grace — knowing that my worship in my studying & exams *ARE NOT* things to gain His approval, He in His grace has already given me that — His love inseparable! His adoption of me — sealed by the Holy Spirit; and studying — is just that– worship, my response to Him — that i might find delight and satisfaction in Him –

Not in marks, good grades — that ‘define’ me as smart — or a ‘good student’ — no much rather to understand His depth of love — in the relying on His Grace..

pretty simple.. but mmm — sometimes we wonder why are we doing the things that we do? And its easy to say — get a degree, graduate; worship God — bring glory to Him — we want to get good grades to please Him with what He has given to us — thats good and all — but the song “blessed be your name” reminded me this Sunday — we are called to worship Him in the giving away and in the taking away of blessings –

health, good marks, confidence, whatever — worship Him regardless — if we get sick, bad marks, feel miserable to despair — still worship Him — cause our worth, our identity is no longer set in the pattern of this world (Eph 2:2) — but much rather on Him

so yah Praise God — i don’t really know what to say–
nothing too profound — just thankyou daddy!

I’m tired, weary — feeling hopeless, temptation to despair — sheer overwhelmedness, physically, emotionally, spiritually, academically drained–

He says He is my mighty fortress, strong tower — my rock, my salvation — Saviour, Lord — Shepherd, lover - daddy — Source, my shelter — I am beneath His wings, in His close embrace — a pillar of cloud hiding me from scorching sun, a pillar of fire — lighting the way, warming me in the coldness of night.. my healer, my comforter, my protector — my rest — in You alone Jesus do i hold onto… *tears* daddy!!

*Still*
Reuben Morgan

Hide me now
Under Your wings
Cover me
Within Your mighty hand

When the oceans rise
And thunders roar
I will soar with You
Above the storm
Father You are King
Over the flood
I will be still and know
You are God

Find rest my soul
In Christ alone
Know His power
In quietness and trust

©2002 Hillsong Publishing

my God is *BIGGER* than you - sickness, tiredness, fearfulness, exam, worry, stress, computer problems !!

Was just going through a few songs i recorded over the summer — and this song seems quite comforting in midst of the awkward - chaos/confusion inducing dreams i had today.. and the various stray thoughts — mmm. gotta study..

*Surrender*
Marc James

I’m giving you my heart, and all that is within
I lay it all down for the sake of you my King
I’m giving you my dreams, I’m laying down my rights
I’m giving up my pride for the promise of new life

And I surrender all to you, all to you
And I surrender all to you, all to you

I’m singing you this song, I’m waiting at the cross
And all the world holds dear, I count it all as loss
For the sake of knowing you the glory of your name
To know the lasting joy even sharing in your pain

©2000 Vineyard Songs

Surrender.mp3

Quick prayer request — before i get back to studying –

*Academics*
Cognition Exam - Monday 2:30, lots and lots of stuff to study for!
yummies!

*Physically*
coughing like mad — cold/flu/allergies?

*Spiritually*
Discernment - a few awkward dreams — stirring a lot of thoughts, confusion..

Protection - spiritual attacks & the lot –

Relationally — closer, deeper reliance

*2 Corinthians 12:9 NKJV*
And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

I’ve been cringing with bits of despair, insufficiency, insecurity and what not today… lots of lies/attacks from the enemy in regards to prayer ministry, my role at ccf — and just the total inability to meet up with anyone to talk and share and place just to be genuine and sincere…

but God in His faithfulness & graciousness has not stopped to speak despite all emotion, experience.. on the bus ride to and from school He has reminded through C. J. Maheny’s sermon on “Who’s at Work Anyways?”

*Philippians 2:12-13 NKJV*
Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, not as in my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling; for *it is God who works in you both to will and to do for His good pleasure.*

reminding me that in my desperation for Him, and though I am completely oblivious to His work, His Spirit moving before me, in me, and through me — that it is *He* That works — and His work is not in vain but “Mighty to Save” as a friend reminded me in a song.

and C.J. in his wisdom — shared a simple little analogy… about Grace — which in Ephesians Paul explains that the Richness & Fullness of God’s infinite grace — is available to us because we being adopted children, heirs — partake in that richness & fullness. & of course faith is our God given gift, ability to trust in Him — our capacity to receive Grace — via that ability to believe… and it is by grace through faith we are saved –

The analogy — referred to a cup of coffee/tea where a lot of the times we add sugar and taste the beverage and find it is still bitter — still not enough sugar — so we add more and more — but in reality the drink already has a lot of sugar — we merely need to stir it…

God has been putting on my heart — that very need to stir into the love that he has given me, else I can keep asking keep feeding on His grace — but I will still remain in my state now — wanting so much more but not realizing that He has already poured forth made to abound in me — so much grace in me — needing to be stirred and shared….

mmm revelation? is this why God has prevented me from meeting all those people whom could pour forth in me… mmm..

Praise you Jesus ~
Amen.

*2 Corinthians 10:12-18 NKJV*
12 For we dare not class ourselves or compare ourselves with those who commend themselves. But they, measuring themselves by themselves, and comparing themselves among themselves, are not wise. 13 We, however, will not boast beyond measure, but within the limits of the sphere which God appointed us—a sphere which especially includes you. 14 For we are not overextending ourselves (as though our authority did not extend to you), for it was to you that we came with the gospel of Christ; 15 not boasting of things beyond measure, that is, in other men’s labors, but having hope, that as your faith is increased, we shall be greatly enlarged by you in our sphere, 16 to preach the gospel in the regions beyond you, and not to boast in another man’s sphere of accomplishment.
17 But “he who glories, let him glory in the LORD.” 18 For not he who commends himself is approved, but whom the Lord commends.

I finished 2 Corinthians the other day, but this verse seems to be resurfacing & resurfacing to my mind in conversations, thoughts, listening to sermons.. mmm.. not really sure yet–

will comment later ~

*Romans 10:17 NKJV*
So then faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the word of God.

I want to share this once again found joy that wells up in the very depths of my heart today — after by His grace having the chance to meet up and share with Jesse and listen to him share again the simple gospel truths — of His Grace for me.. so simple, so deep, so profound; just letting His words speak life into the depths of me.. that faith — that mustard seed finally by the might and power of the Holy Spirit taking ground/root again — to live by Grace, through faith — nothing else - but the instilling of peace & joy — and the overflow of love..

if you haven’t read my last post, I was sharing about how as of late I’ve had this burden of heavy heartedness lately — normally ignoring it but when I’m truthful to myself to God — its there and just this welling of tears… not being able to do anything… but wonder & seek God..

and Jesse reminded me about the story of the Rich Young Ruler –

*Luke 18:18-23 NKJV*
Jesus Counsels the Rich Young Ruler
18 Now a certain ruler asked Him, saying, “Good Teacher, what shall I do to inherit eternal life?” 19 So Jesus said to him, “Why do you call Me good? No one is good but One, that is, God. 20 You know the commandments: ‘Do not commit adultery,’ ‘Do not murder,’ ‘Do not steal,’ ‘Do not bear false witness,’ ‘Honor your father and your mother.’” 21 And he said, “All these things I have kept from my youth.” 22 So when Jesus heard these things, He said to him, “You still lack one thing. Sell all that you have and distribute to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow Me.”
23 But when he heard this, he became very sorrowful, for he was very rich.

himself self righteous prideful — studying the law, clinging to it — coming to Jesus asking him *what must i do?* sort of like me — wonder what is it that i need to repent of — me wanting so much to *consolidate* my relationship with God — Jesus’ answers and meets the young man the same way he asks the question — like if you come with me by the law — I’ll answer you by the law — which is beyond what we can do — the rich young ruler couldn’t give up all the idols (things *he worked for*) of the world and follow Jesus — so Jesus left him the way he was..

Ironically a mere few verses later — there’s the story of Zacchaeus:

*Luke 19:1-10 NKJV*
1 Then Jesus entered and passed through Jericho. 2 Now behold, there was a man named Zacchaeus who was a chief tax collector, and he was rich. 3 And he sought to see who Jesus was, but could not because of the crowd, for he was of short stature. 4 So he ran ahead and climbed up into a sycamore tree to see Him, for He was going to pass that way. 5 And when Jesus came to the place, He looked up and saw him, and said to him, “Zacchaeus, make haste and come down, for today I must stay at your house.” 6 So he made haste and came down, and received Him joyfully. 7 But when they saw it, they all complained, saying, “He has gone to be a guest with a man who is a sinner.” 8 Then Zacchaeus stood and said to the Lord, “Look, Lord, I give half of my goods to the poor; and if I have taken anything from anyone by false accusation, I restore fourfold.” 9 And Jesus said to him, “Today salvation has come to this house, because he also is a son of Abraham; 10 for the Son of Man has come to seek and to save that which was lost.”

where Zacchaeus being a short social reject — has no ability to come to Jesus at all — and instead climbs up a tree just to see Jesus, not that he can do anything — but all he wants is to gaze upon Him; Jesus out of His mercy & grace goes to him — and says he (Zacchaeus) will dine with Him that very night) — and Zacchaeus out of the outflow of Jesus’ love for Him turns from his ways — *repentance by Grace!* and goes and *naturally* gives most everything away…

Two very contrasting images — both with an genuine sincere heart — but the rich young ruler — wanting to work for it — comes to Jesus with the law, Zacchaeus - socially rejected, sinful wants only to gaze upon His face — God’s grace coming not by what we can do

For me — this speaks to the very heart of the matter with me in my serving at CCF, my actions words and reflection on His beloved Church — my friends, my relationship with God — I’ve been going through Ephesians and ‘preaching’ His Grace each week — but that in itself I feel I’ve been trying to add my own bit to His Grace — and my trying to work for His grace to be revealed has not only separated me from that truth in knowing Him intimately — but has bore on my heart the heavy–impossible burden of sharing His grace..

mmm — thank you God, thank you Jesus, Holy Spirit !
to be in Him again, abiding in love –
seeking the Holy Spirit *First* — and letting reading & understanding His Scriptures come out of the outflow of that..
(not to say experience justifies scripture*)

just this indwelling of peace and joy that passes all understanding but comes only from the mouth, the touch, the breath of the Living God — intimate, real — O God Hallelujah Praise You O Lord !

*Love Again - Perry So*
tears of joy now rolling down my heart,
no long sorrow, no longer fearful,
but the natural flow of You:
to know You, to saturate in You; to love You;
with all my being, all my soul mind strength.
all of me — my whole heart.
for You, to be loved by You and in You.
Jesus - I am Yours again.

I have an exam in 12 hours or so — haven’t really studied much, but just wanted to throw in a quick post before i go study & sleep –

Something has been on my heart this past while.. and its really really heavy.. I don’t know what it is, but I feel that it is weighing me down tearing me away from Christ — and i’m just trying to hold on with all tear & might…

i know/feel my heart is divided — I want God to the utter depths of me — but i want and crave for something else too — what that is i do not know… i look at my life and everything other than this weight & the subsequent distance seems more or less in order —

but ah… this ‘thing’ is draining me out … I want to repent but i don’t know what it is — just those songs of giving God my whole heart — i cannot sing them —

today at ccf — we did a prayer walk thing with 4 steps and a few of the verses that struck a chord with me were–

*Psalm 139:23 NKJV*
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me, and know my anxieties;

*Psalm 32:1-4 NKJV*
Blessed is he whose transgression is forgiven, Whose sin is covered. 2 Blessed is the man to whom the LORD does not impute iniquity, And in whose spirit there is no deceit. 3 When I kept silent, my bones grew old Through my groaning all the day long. 4 *For day and night Your hand was heavy upon me; My vitality was turned into the drought of summer.* Selah

I don’t know what to say — but something isn’t right, i feel like i’m flailing — when i find time to be quiet & rest in God — that weightyness comes down and my heart just screams to cry out… O rebellious heart why must you stray —

what is it?

I feel so weighted — but by what? tho I feel distant from God — I know he is close — and tho i seek Him… i still haven’t found Him again –

mmm… seeking you God; search me O Lord — lay me bare before your Word, chastise me — cut me with thy double edge sword — O father i cry out to you !

I just finished reading a few posts on the ‘locked out’ scenario that happened this past Sunday at my church here and Here, and thought I’d share a few of my thoughts — before heading off to studying.

Basic Scenario is that my English Pastor felt burdened regarding the problem of people coming to church late or ‘fashionably’ late — disrespecting the servants, taking for granted that worship service is a time and place to meet with the True and Living God, and after being frustrated about talking to people about it — decided to put his foot down and locked all the doors to the sanctuary until after the Pastoral Prayer.

My initial reaction was just an outburst of outrage — because theologically the Church is the body of Christ — we are the physical representation of God on this earth — and the statement locking the sanctuary doors was theologically saying was that — well you’re late — you have ’sinned’ fallen short of this expectation that the Pastor has set for us — and so you’re locked out — ’segregated’ from the rest of the Church. Yes we sing and preach Salvation, and Grace — but apparently His Grace & Mercy as rich and full as they are — are not enough to cover my lateness (yes i was one of those counted as late). What sort of image or message are you portraying on behalf of God the Father, the Holy Spirit, Jesus Christ and His beloved Bride — to regular church goers & new comers (believers or not) *Like Blasphemy!!* Wanted to thunder off — go down the street to church hill heights — go home blog in outrage & send an email to the pastor — clanging the symbols and sounding the gongs!

Of course — that would be utterly useless cause there is no love in that, and for me itself it would direct disobedience to what He has been teaching me this past while — in confronting ‘falsehood’ or ‘false teaching’ or even differint views — be gentle - that they may know from your actions you are my disciple — and your words are worth listening & considering.

So during the sermon, yesterday at work, and during my bus ride to school today i did a bit of reflection..

Like *IF* God is Sovereign (which he truly is) then He would obviously have had some reason to let such a (seemingly to me) ‘blasphemous’ thing to happen? It could be error — and perhaps a lesson for someone else to be learned, but the fact that I was at church — locked outside is no coincidence. in some ways God chose me to be outside — to be locked out.

A few thoughts that came to mind..
*The Parable of the Ten Virgins*
Probably the most similar to what has transpired — ten virgins, five being left behind for not being ready and preparing for the coming of the groom — refers not so much at the superficial level of the issue of being ‘late’ for service, but much rather — not being ready for the second coming of Christ… The Bible tells us often *not* to predict — rather to anticipate and make ready ourselves for His coming –

that sort of led me to the thought of soteriology — and taking my initial position of how the church was representative of God — in terms of authority (we only see things in part)– the Pastor the ‘head’ of the church — represents God, and the congregation — His Church — ppl locked outside — people who have been effectively ‘locked’ out of a direct relationship with Him because of the separation of ’sin’ — in this case the much less severe offense of ‘lateness’

Just observing my own reaction — my outrage & outburst in anger — was very much like an unbeliever who has done good works — and complaining “I have the right to be inside the sanctuary, what you are doing is wrong, I deserve to worship God with those people inside” — in some ways this parallels with “I deserve to be inside — I’ve done all these works in my life! just like those people inside!”
And there’s just this deep sense of being left out, having what you expected the whole morning being thwarted - (reminds me the urgency & need to take hold of my salvation — and more so seek God’s will for the salvation of those who are lost)

But the fallacy with that is neither the people inside nor outside truly have the ‘right’ to be in there — to worship God, rather — no everyone in or out has *no* right to go in and worship — cause everyone has fallen short of the glory of God — everyone has been late to church once before! if we lived by that rule — ‘if you’re late you’re locked out’ we all might as well go home –

And yet — still even though we were all late, the Pastor - Mercifully & Graciously opened the doors — that we could come and sit with the Body of Christ — that in the chastizing of the sheep God has committed to him — we might come together in reptence & worship of the One True Living God!

like mmm.. I don’t know, I feel really humbled at that image — sure I don’t agree with the methodology or manner the lesson to ‘correct behavior’ was carried out (after all the gospel message is about freedom from guilt — and transformation of our hearts through love & the realization of His Grace rather than guilt/fear) — but God has given, *anointed* authority over our dear English Pastor — to preach and teach the word in both word and life (action).

I think for me, and perhaps some of you — we need to re-examine ourselves in how we approach this issue, its a difficult & controversial one — perhaps of more minor importance — we can easily get angered or flare up in disagreement — but then is what we have to say really going to matter? without love — we are all just clanging symbols and a sounding gong.

At the end of the day — our dear beloved Pastor is accountable for his actions, and stewardship of what is committed to him. And we to ours — we are called to correct and rebuke — but our first responsibility is ourselves before a Holy & Just, yet fully loving & gracious God. (remove the plank in your own eye before you remove the speck in the other’s)

Grace to you beloved, & would He grant to you the spirit of understanding & enlightenment to the eyes of your understanding.