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I have an exam in 12 hours or so — haven’t really studied much, but just wanted to throw in a quick post before i go study & sleep –

Something has been on my heart this past while.. and its really really heavy.. I don’t know what it is, but I feel that it is weighing me down tearing me away from Christ — and i’m just trying to hold on with all tear & might…

i know/feel my heart is divided — I want God to the utter depths of me — but i want and crave for something else too — what that is i do not know… i look at my life and everything other than this weight & the subsequent distance seems more or less in order —

but ah… this ‘thing’ is draining me out … I want to repent but i don’t know what it is — just those songs of giving God my whole heart — i cannot sing them —

today at ccf — we did a prayer walk thing with 4 steps and a few of the verses that struck a chord with me were–

*Psalm 139:23 NKJV*
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me, and know my anxieties;

*Psalm 32:1-4 NKJV*
Blessed is he whose transgression is forgiven, Whose sin is covered. 2 Blessed is the man to whom the LORD does not impute iniquity, And in whose spirit there is no deceit. 3 When I kept silent, my bones grew old Through my groaning all the day long. 4 *For day and night Your hand was heavy upon me; My vitality was turned into the drought of summer.* Selah

I don’t know what to say — but something isn’t right, i feel like i’m flailing — when i find time to be quiet & rest in God — that weightyness comes down and my heart just screams to cry out… O rebellious heart why must you stray —

what is it?

I feel so weighted — but by what? tho I feel distant from God — I know he is close — and tho i seek Him… i still haven’t found Him again –

mmm… seeking you God; search me O Lord — lay me bare before your Word, chastise me — cut me with thy double edge sword — O father i cry out to you !