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I started reading/praying through Song of Songs (Song of Soloman) with the the accompanying podcast/mp3 sermon by Mike Bickle, this past weekend and God has quietly brought a few things to mind — many of them related with a few of those future/out of season things I was journaling about not too long ago.

*Quick–* For those of you who don’t know Song of Songs is a song celebrating the love between King Soloman & His Bride to be, God and Israel, and/or Christ and His Bride (The Church)

*Song of Solomon 1:2 NKJV*

Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth—
For your love is better than wine.

So yah — I’ve been reading throughout the Song a few times now, and this verse so far has stood out to me,

*Kisses of His mouth* — the image of full saturation, time stopping closeness, intimacy — where all else is irrelevant, intimacy with God. (not saying we should be asking to Jesus to kiss us) but it describes the *intensity* of His love for us. So involving every part of who we are — just to receive His Love for us.

Likewise, His love is *better than wine,* wine/alcohol being the depressant that socially helps people relate by inhibiting their defensive mechanisms and just being relaxed — His Love is better than wine! He loves us just as we are & we can stand bare before Him — with no shame because Christ has died and atoned for all our sins. We are secure in our relationship just to be ourselves

And I guess I can’t even really share or rationalize the depth of love there — just sheer joy, sheer love, sheer passion & peace.

*He loves me just as I am. unconditional, consummate, full of love.*

And just a few things that have been on my heart lately thoughts of insecurity / worry floating around in the back of my mind — in terms of ministry/relationships/future and the lot…

Inside I’ve been feeling disappointed at myself for being so ‘darn’ quiet / introverted — like ‘God why did you make me this way?!? it’d be so much easier’ just look at all those super cool ppl around me –

And this comparing tries to steal its way into my joy and satisfaction of being in His love, rather than having my assurance, worth and identity confirmed in Him - this slight feeling of helplessness & loneliness like oh no: 無人要 la– disappointment & failure.

Furthermore — that spirit of comparing draws me away further when i think over different stuff for like ministry now and later, just like argh! Where is my place? God what do you want me to do? You’ve made me with my personality, my gifts, my weaknesses — you’ve made me, for your Glory but what? I don’t get it..? where is my place at CCF? at York? at Jaffray at Aletheia– in your kingdom like agh! *stupid comparing!* I look at others, friends, brothers and sisters who are so anointed so gifted, have such a clear calling — and me … i’m just well me haha :p silly thoughts!

I know its all ludicrous, its all stupid, and lies — He loves me just as I am — regardless of what gifts I have, what I can/cannot do for Him, however messed up / immature I feel, His Love covers me…

and just the cry in Song of Songs — is just to be loved by Him, hold off on trying to understand everything, trying to rationalize, or make everything better — but just focus on His Love because its NOT ABOUT ME! but Him, His Glory, His Grace, His infinite abounding Love for me. Like even if you feel like a failure like you’re not worthy He sees His Church, His Bride as beautiful,

*Song of Solomon 1:8*

If you do not know, *O fairest among women*,
Follow in the footsteps of the flock, And feed your little goats Beside the shepherds’ tents.

This verse is in context to vs 5-7 in which She, the bride tells the maidens not to look at her because she’s ‘dark’ because family situations have put her out in the sun — out in the vineyard, and thus her her hands / skin isn’t as light or smooth / soft as a normal maiden’s and on top of that her own vineyard hasn’t been taken care of —

thus for the bride, she has (from the world/society’s view) lost her beauty, she has lost her softness in touch, and even lost her real estate.

In the eyes of the world, she has nothing, no beauty, no wealth — absolutely nothing.

Yet still the Lord calls her the *fairest* (NKJV) or *most beautiful* (ESV) among woman and goes on describes her beauty further and further –

*Song of Solomon 1:15 NKJV*

Behold, you are fair, my love!
Behold, you are fair!
You have dove’s eyes.

Affirming her that in His eyes — those things she feels most insecure ab out — that in His eyes she is perfect, without blemish — and He loves her just the same!

so comforting.

A verse of reminder for myself:

*Matthew 16:25 NKJV*
For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it.

God has bought me with the highest price — His Son, I am doubly owned — both He created me AND he bought me; all I have belong to Him — my material possessions, my personality, my gifts, my weaknesses, my friends, my hopes, my dreams, my ambitions — my heart; and as much as I want to hold on to these things for my confidence — they CANNOT, WILL NOT fill the loneliness/emptiness in me — only He can — I want to have vision, i want to have gifts, i want to have a girlfriend — but that life — if I hold those dreams for reality I will surely lose it — but rather if I give, surrender — give my whole heart to Him… He reveals, He shows — and in His time — His glory revealed
Surrender. — all of me Jesus,

You are all that I want! nothing else Lord, no one, no thing — just you God, Lord surround me in your love, sustain me (Song of Songs 2:5) God, for you are all I need, all I want Jesus

*Hold Me Now (Intimacy)*
Evan Earwicker

Jesus come now to my side and tell me it’s alright
Sing your symphony of love in the darkest hour of night
Jesus, you’re the hope I hold onto
Je - sus, I’ve found my rest in You

Hold me now, peace of God surround me
Til night finally fades to the light of the sun
Words cannot express your love, all I am is just because
The precious blood of Jesus was all that I needed

Father come and still my soul and the fear I cannot hide
Lest my worries take control, be my peace tonight
Jesus, you’re the hope I hold onto
Je - sus, I’ve found my rest in You

I’m coming back to the intimacy with my God
I’m coming back to the intimacy with my God
Cause I love you, yes I love you. Oh won’t you come and call to me?

©2006 Evan C. Earwicker

*Psalm 30 NKJV*
A Psalm. A Song at the dedication of the house of David.

I will extol You, O LORD, for You have lifted me up,
And have not let my foes rejoice over me.
O LORD my God, I cried out to You, And You healed me.
O LORD, You brought my soul up from the grave; You have kept me alive, that I should not go down to the pit.

Sing praise to the LORD, you saints of His,
And give thanks at the remembrance of His holy name.
For His anger is but for a moment, His favor is for life;
Weeping may endure for a night, But joy comes in the morning.

Now in my prosperity I said, “I shall never be moved.”
LORD, by Your favor You have made my mountain stand strong; You hid Your face, and I was troubled.

I cried out to You, O LORD; And to the LORD I made supplication:
“What profit is there in my blood, When I go down to the pit? Will the dust praise You?
Will it declare Your truth?
Hear, O LORD, and have mercy on me;
LORD, be my helper!”

You have turned for me my mourning into dancing;
You have put off my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness,
To the end that my glory may sing praise to You and not be silent.
O LORD my God, I will give thanks to You forever.

Its 4:25 AM, I was roused 30-40 minutes ago by my earthly father to go to their bed and listen as they shared how they felt, their frustrations, their upsetedness and disappointment in me for the last few months of school / ministry, in how I have neglected them, and failed to honor them in so many aspects of my life.

I am a sinner, broken in so many places, weak, again powerless in my being to do anything, all effort, all attempts to be good are in vain always tainted by who i am, my inert character and as much my heart yearns, I fall again and again to sin, What chastisement am i unworthy of? Whether it be true, misunderstood, misdirected — I am deserving of wrath, O God Your Grace covers me. All that I have done, will do; washing me as rebellious, and dejected I am, you have accepted me into your courts because of your son, Jesus on the cross, taking on my sin, my wrath, Your wrath that I might be once again adopted into your family God, undeserving and prodigal as I am.

*sighs* I don’t know, I feel utterly exhausted — utterly frustrated and even persecuted for what God has been doing in my life… It seems that sweet lull has turned to storming, the quiet of the storm has past and now we enter into desperation — and like augh, I feel so helpless right now — God you are my helper, my strength in time of need.

So many different thoughts, rebukes, and even confirmation in what God has quietly been convicting in my heart — just the manner of it all felt all too dreary, all of a sudden and I didn’t even know what to respond as I listened and heard each accusation put before me. Just a conviction for me to be quiet, to be still to listen — for in whatever my parents say, they ARE His chosen stewards over my life, guardians over my life — not wanting to speak… who am I to object to their God given authority, to their unhappiness with their ungrateful son? I am no one — prodigal in nature, deserving not even to be a servant, yet His love abounds welcoming me just as I am…

A few weeks ago, at Aletheia we were sharing about relationships which we felt like we neglected, and God gently prodded my heart for my parents, family, and these past few weeks I have little by little been trying to talk more with them, share what actually is going on my life, who my friends are, who I talk to and who/what I’m investing my time / life into during the week, to take special care to remember to thank them –

And so I guess the chastisement comes as a sort of confirmation, and rebuke but also as a huge attack of discouragement in what has been on my heart — and *sniffles* it is that my parents love me enough to chastise me, but it is so utterly discouraging to see how so far apart they understand my intent and motive… and God’s sovereign provision that He is working in my life –

*Sister in Christ*
This year God has blessed me tremendously with a friend and sister in Christ whom I can share my struggles, worries, and concerns with especially in terms of my walk with God, spiritual questions, and the changing season which has been turning these past few months, this friendship based on 1) Glorifying God 2) Edifying each other. Spurring each other on in seeking God’s heart first and foremost in everything.

I guess the issue at hand — is talking on the phone somewhat late into the night several times, which on my part is my lack of self discipline/control at times.

My parents speak right on this — staying up so late isn’t very edifying / glorifying to God, nor is it very healthy, And God has convicted me of this, and I am progressing, but just tonight they ‘catch’ me on the phone later than I usually am, and the flood of mistrust seems to come, and even if obeyed for the x amount of times previous — fixation is on this.

*sighs* I suppose obeying means always, just as faithful means always, but there is perhaps leeway? for talking about certain important things or perhaps i am being prideful and trying to justify myself..

*School - Education & Ministry*
Another thing that came up was my time spent at school, this year being very much different than last year — serving on CCF, wanting to invest into people’s lives just as others invested in me — and the focus is completely different this year in many ways.

My parents spoke me about using my time wisely, bringing up numerous times they’ve asked me to do things and I’ve either done it late or declined to do it because I was busy with school work — because I had not spent my time at school doing that work..

And though I fully understand where they’re coming from — I feel like this is an attack on what God has put on my heart for this year — like Yes, I have been struggling with laziness and many distractions and avoidance of stress, and this weekend has been the weekend finally to do all this, but before I begin I feel pushed aside — all my intentions, to ‘make right’ to ‘refocus’ seem just bulldozed by this rebuke.

To me some of the examples raised of my irresponsibility in helping out, seems to be clenched in a grudge –and it feels like I thought I’ve dealt with this or that already why is it being brought up? did I have to do that? or was it my responsibility? I don’t know — its not for me to judge.

But many of those cases I acknowledge I have been busy because I have taken my extra time for granted squandering it in nothingness, rather than investing it in my work that i might have time to do other things — I’m sorry dad, mom.

Back to ministry, I feel like they they think my time meeting up with different people talking and sharing with them is simply for social, but my heart for those times is to spur my friends on, or to listen at the feet of brothers and sisters who have gone before me — and together pursue Him — discipleship.

Sure on the surface it might seem fruitless, and many times I’m discouraged in ministry because it feels like my work is in vain, its foolish according to the world — but I feel many times God is there present working — pouring out His Grace, not my words but Him…

They spoke of my neglect for them because of school, going out early, coming back late, having to them wake up early to drive me to the bus stop, spending all my home time ’supposedly studying’ because i didn’t study earlier –

Really felt like an attack of discouragement — because I’ve told them, if they didn’t want to wake up early I’d just go and walk — and ministry CCF, I asked for their blessing and willigness to support me in my ministry — and it feels like just a falling away at what was previously established?

And just the starting up of 7:30 AM prayer meetings this coming tuesday and for many tuesdays to come in next semester — I feel like a sudden drive of discouragement in even sharing with them what God has started stirring in the hearts of His people.. so maybe I’ll have to wake extra early and walk to the bus stop instead –

Marks — my previous sharing of how my marks aren’t as ‘well’ or as high (e.g. B/B+ instead of an A/B+) as last year because of ministry and priority given over to God and what he has called me to this year but — like God has been so gracious and delivered me in each occasion where i haven’t had the sufficient time / energy to study — times where i would’ve undoubtedly failed — He has pulled me through with marks which are realistically on par — to those last year — marks which are still considered high — if low only relatively. His Sovereignty and Provision in His Grace — in my weaknesses..

And their words admonishing me to spend my time studying — cause if i want to get into postgrad/seminary i need higher marks — but the fact of reality is, *IF* God wants me to go into seminary / postgrad — He will get me there, He will provide the funds, the marks, the reference letters — the school. Just the Promise: Seek Him first and everything else will be added to you.

Yes there is marks and the importance of studying — but I am not willing to move out of what God has put on my heart to do… however fruitless it might seem to me or you University is so much more about growing faith than marks or learning philosophy or psychology or linguistics — everything — its about Him, worshiping Him first and for most

*Health*
I have been coughing pretty badly / deeply on and off for the last three weeks and the whole staying up late / essaying over night (yesterday) doesn’t really help — and I know I need to take care of my body — and I try, but He gives and takes away… His Grace is sufficient — abundant; I know I take this issue for granted leaving it as a secondary, just He gives and takes away… this heavy coughing when it started — He blessed it and used it to show me His provision — finally getting the time yet suddenly coming down with this massive coughing to know that in both times of need, times where i feel I can do it — that in all things I need to depend on Him, and going into that dreaded cognition exam — knowing my coughing had rendered me knowing maybe half of what I needed to know, being almost sure of failure, and dropping the class — to be pulled through with a B –

*Thankfulness*
Dad, mom, — i know I don’t show my appreciation very much or very well, I often neglect things that i probably should be doing — but.. deep inside i am thankful for what you do — for the morning car rides, the lunches, and filling up of my water bottle — countless list of stuff, so I’m sorry if I have burdened you in this — I’ll begin to make my own lunches, I’ll wake up and walk to my bus, if you truly find me a hassle… I’m just really frustrated too..

When you were talking — the image of Christ being persecuted, accused kept coming to me — because I know despite my sinfulness, despite my ungratefulness and taking you both for granted God is working… i don’t know to what end to what direction but… I just feel really frustrated as well, ministry isn’t all just socialling but so many nights i come home and i just want to cry because — I am helpless, a child who is immature, little, silly and everything is really overwhelming

And after this –it just feels like another weight layed on, It feels so impossible, for some of the things you ask I don’t think I am able to please God and you — because they seem contradictory– And I wonder at some of what you said if whether that is from God or some statement which came out the wrong way which Satan is use to discourage me, but regardless — thank you dad, thank you mom — thank for your seriousness, for your honesty, for your love, for your patience and perseverance in me -

I am not perfect, I am far from — and some of these things I know I need to do but many of them I will fail, I will leave the impression that i don’t care, that I take you for granted — and I apologize for that –

Please forgive me..
I’ll give my best — to change what I can, but only God can do the rest..

*Psalm 30:10-11 NKJV*

Hear, O LORD, and have mercy on me; LORD, be my helper!”
You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; You have put off my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness,

Something thats on my heart:
I’ve always had this heart to do something *BIG* for God, perhaps its something that has stayed close to my heart since 2003 — when we went to Nashville for my first missions trip and me and Gabes got a chance to share testimonies with Ross, I’ve for some reason always taken those words to heart in my walk with God

“God is going to do great things through you” (referring to me & gabes)

That has always seemed so simple, so of course! nothing else! Be it prophesy or simply an encouraging word, that has resonated with my heart for these past few years, I want more — I’m rarely ever satisfied — I want to be relentless in my pursuit of God.

History Maker, Holy Consecrated Generation, All for you, Lord I give you my heart — a very simple but always definite concepts that we throw around in our worship songs/prayers…

but I want it — I want to do something BIG for God!
or so I thought…

I don’t know, just a bit of reflection during the past few months — God as you might recall was chipping away at the hardness of my heart — chipping away at the pride, the self-sufficiency, the criticalness of others. And something Caleb shared with me 3rd or 4th week into this school year was — Sure, we want to do BIG things for God — but what if God wants us to do little things? We should be just as happy in the big in little — afterall — better is one day in your courts — than a thousand elsewhere, better is even just one day in Him, abiding — than a thousand anywhere else.

A lot of people have asked me these past few weeks about whether I want to be a Pastor or what I want to do with my degree — and my answer has always been: I feel called to full time ministry, I want to go to Seminary, but I’m still seeking God out for that.

And yesterday Joeie just asked me (again) Would I want to be a Pastor? What is it that I want? like *if* God asked me — what is my heart’s desire –

I answered… mmm granted God grants me everything I need, yah Pastor is fine. The idea of being a Pastor has always been far fetched and out there for me — tho lately it has become more and more appealing… like yah! I love the Word!

but then… I don’t know… I feel like i don’t care what I do as long as God wants me there and is working — I think I’d be perfectly satisfied..

though i guess my meager ideals — of what I’d want would be get married, have kids, be a writer for books: theological/devotional, and spend time with my wife + kids serving the Lord — missions, planting churches — speaking some maybe… but really just seeking God and sharing that —

*muses* fun out of season thoughts, but God is faithful & sovereign — Gracious & Merciful : He’ll unravel something far beyond my most idealistic idea..

Father — I relinquish my will to you, my dreams, my hopes my desires, even if they come out of a heart that longs for you that wants for your name’s renown, I want to be in you, with you, continually for you, all of who I am, every part of me, at most every moment, your love saturating… though I am but a finite sinner, your grace transcends my littleness, me… I just want to be in your courts, in your presence and in your will God; make me aware of your great love for me, thank you Jesus, Amen.

in midst all this sad emotional stuff –
daddy just wanted to thank you for today — November 22;

this year today i feel pretty contrary to last year — what with the Daniel Fast Passion, gift of tongues/intercession, being baptized in your Spirit — just sheer joy, being utterly floored in who You are — and Your Grace for me..

A year later — I’m here now and Lord you’ve changed me so much, I’ve grown so much and though I feel like a wreck right now — that depth of need for you is even greater — God I yearn for you Jesus,

And still in midst of all that chaos — you still remain the same, yesterday, today tomorrow, you love me just the same for who you have made me to be, not what i can do, or anything else — your love, unconditional –

*hugs daddy*
thank you ~

mmm… feeling very small, very weary, seeing myself as I really am… so powerless, so lost — so utterly insignificant outside of Him, away from Him, so utterly empty so utterly sunk in my depravity…

so quiet, so alone; having joy — knowing His Grace abounds more and more — but not seeing not knowing; feel like I’m flailing everything is so simple, but i am utterly helpless — want so much but falling so short to anything remotely near, I know its not my words, not my works not my efforts, not the how but O, why must I complicate such simple things?

where has my heart gone in my worship? there is freedom but has the deliverance come late?

oh heart — why do you despair in your loneliness when it is utterly by Grace? why do you long to cry and let tears flow like streams into the ocean? why are there no tears? why are you so broken ? do you not know and see intrinsic value in who you are? at the great cost you were bought with? do you not see that its in you — these weak, ‘worthless’ things that everyone even you scoff at, that His Grace is made to shine most complete?

why oh heart? why do you lose hope? why do you fall on your knees your mouth stilled, your eyes shut, why do want so much to cry?

you Abide in Him — He Abides in you — all things are possible your brokenness, your littleness shows the magnificence of His glory — of his unfathomable depths of Grace filling up and brimming over in you– stop striving to be more, just be–

Look Fast to Christ! for He is Faithful! He has broken all barriers — taken down the enemy, proclaimed victor above all the powers
And Salvation is here!

*Pslam 46 NKJV*
God is our refuge and strength, A very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, Even though the earth be removed, And though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea; Though its waters roar and be troubled, Though the mountains shake with its swelling. Selah

There is a river whose streams shall make glad the city of God, The holy place of the tabernacle of the Most High. God is in the midst of her, she shall not be moved; God shall help her, just at the break of dawn. The nations raged, the kingdoms were moved; He uttered His voice, the earth melted. The LORD of hosts is with us; The God of Jacob is our refuge. Selah

Come, behold the works of the LORD, Who has made desolations in the earth. He makes wars cease to the end of the earth;He breaks the bow and cuts the spear in two; He burns the chariot in the fire.

Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth! The LORD of hosts is with us; The God of Jacob is our refuge. Selah

sometimes you feel really alone and sad in ministry cause it seems like — you can’t really do much but there’s so much to do — sometimes it seems fruitless, other times it feels like people only talk to you to get something done — taking for granted the friendship that never really was… sometimes you feel like your priorities are all messed up — you know you’ve got God at the center at the top –but everything else seems kind of chaotic, behind in your studies — ministry is kind of heavy — friendships you’re pouring in to other people and it seems in a moment just so discouraging…

and yet His Grace is what accomplishes, His Grace is what move what takes the depravity of a man, the depravity of His works — and though unworthy and insignificant, he takes that little person, that quiet, lonely, weak person — the weakest of all and in his mistakes He shows himself most glorified — most supreme, most awesome most loving, in all heavenly splendor — His power, His touch, His love abounding — in my weakness He is most glorified;

the less of me the more of Him.

Whether an A or an F, Success or Failure, Energy or Tiredness — it is all in His name — for His Glory…

mmm — loneliness, but His Grace is in Abundance.