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Its 4:25 AM, I was roused 30-40 minutes ago by my earthly father to go to their bed and listen as they shared how they felt, their frustrations, their upsetedness and disappointment in me for the last few months of school / ministry, in how I have neglected them, and failed to honor them in so many aspects of my life.

I am a sinner, broken in so many places, weak, again powerless in my being to do anything, all effort, all attempts to be good are in vain always tainted by who i am, my inert character and as much my heart yearns, I fall again and again to sin, What chastisement am i unworthy of? Whether it be true, misunderstood, misdirected — I am deserving of wrath, O God Your Grace covers me. All that I have done, will do; washing me as rebellious, and dejected I am, you have accepted me into your courts because of your son, Jesus on the cross, taking on my sin, my wrath, Your wrath that I might be once again adopted into your family God, undeserving and prodigal as I am.

*sighs* I don’t know, I feel utterly exhausted — utterly frustrated and even persecuted for what God has been doing in my life… It seems that sweet lull has turned to storming, the quiet of the storm has past and now we enter into desperation — and like augh, I feel so helpless right now — God you are my helper, my strength in time of need.

So many different thoughts, rebukes, and even confirmation in what God has quietly been convicting in my heart — just the manner of it all felt all too dreary, all of a sudden and I didn’t even know what to respond as I listened and heard each accusation put before me. Just a conviction for me to be quiet, to be still to listen — for in whatever my parents say, they ARE His chosen stewards over my life, guardians over my life — not wanting to speak… who am I to object to their God given authority, to their unhappiness with their ungrateful son? I am no one — prodigal in nature, deserving not even to be a servant, yet His love abounds welcoming me just as I am…

A few weeks ago, at Aletheia we were sharing about relationships which we felt like we neglected, and God gently prodded my heart for my parents, family, and these past few weeks I have little by little been trying to talk more with them, share what actually is going on my life, who my friends are, who I talk to and who/what I’m investing my time / life into during the week, to take special care to remember to thank them –

And so I guess the chastisement comes as a sort of confirmation, and rebuke but also as a huge attack of discouragement in what has been on my heart — and *sniffles* it is that my parents love me enough to chastise me, but it is so utterly discouraging to see how so far apart they understand my intent and motive… and God’s sovereign provision that He is working in my life –

*Sister in Christ*
This year God has blessed me tremendously with a friend and sister in Christ whom I can share my struggles, worries, and concerns with especially in terms of my walk with God, spiritual questions, and the changing season which has been turning these past few months, this friendship based on 1) Glorifying God 2) Edifying each other. Spurring each other on in seeking God’s heart first and foremost in everything.

I guess the issue at hand — is talking on the phone somewhat late into the night several times, which on my part is my lack of self discipline/control at times.

My parents speak right on this — staying up so late isn’t very edifying / glorifying to God, nor is it very healthy, And God has convicted me of this, and I am progressing, but just tonight they ‘catch’ me on the phone later than I usually am, and the flood of mistrust seems to come, and even if obeyed for the x amount of times previous — fixation is on this.

*sighs* I suppose obeying means always, just as faithful means always, but there is perhaps leeway? for talking about certain important things or perhaps i am being prideful and trying to justify myself..

*School - Education & Ministry*
Another thing that came up was my time spent at school, this year being very much different than last year — serving on CCF, wanting to invest into people’s lives just as others invested in me — and the focus is completely different this year in many ways.

My parents spoke me about using my time wisely, bringing up numerous times they’ve asked me to do things and I’ve either done it late or declined to do it because I was busy with school work — because I had not spent my time at school doing that work..

And though I fully understand where they’re coming from — I feel like this is an attack on what God has put on my heart for this year — like Yes, I have been struggling with laziness and many distractions and avoidance of stress, and this weekend has been the weekend finally to do all this, but before I begin I feel pushed aside — all my intentions, to ‘make right’ to ‘refocus’ seem just bulldozed by this rebuke.

To me some of the examples raised of my irresponsibility in helping out, seems to be clenched in a grudge –and it feels like I thought I’ve dealt with this or that already why is it being brought up? did I have to do that? or was it my responsibility? I don’t know — its not for me to judge.

But many of those cases I acknowledge I have been busy because I have taken my extra time for granted squandering it in nothingness, rather than investing it in my work that i might have time to do other things — I’m sorry dad, mom.

Back to ministry, I feel like they they think my time meeting up with different people talking and sharing with them is simply for social, but my heart for those times is to spur my friends on, or to listen at the feet of brothers and sisters who have gone before me — and together pursue Him — discipleship.

Sure on the surface it might seem fruitless, and many times I’m discouraged in ministry because it feels like my work is in vain, its foolish according to the world — but I feel many times God is there present working — pouring out His Grace, not my words but Him…

They spoke of my neglect for them because of school, going out early, coming back late, having to them wake up early to drive me to the bus stop, spending all my home time ’supposedly studying’ because i didn’t study earlier –

Really felt like an attack of discouragement — because I’ve told them, if they didn’t want to wake up early I’d just go and walk — and ministry CCF, I asked for their blessing and willigness to support me in my ministry — and it feels like just a falling away at what was previously established?

And just the starting up of 7:30 AM prayer meetings this coming tuesday and for many tuesdays to come in next semester — I feel like a sudden drive of discouragement in even sharing with them what God has started stirring in the hearts of His people.. so maybe I’ll have to wake extra early and walk to the bus stop instead –

Marks — my previous sharing of how my marks aren’t as ‘well’ or as high (e.g. B/B+ instead of an A/B+) as last year because of ministry and priority given over to God and what he has called me to this year but — like God has been so gracious and delivered me in each occasion where i haven’t had the sufficient time / energy to study — times where i would’ve undoubtedly failed — He has pulled me through with marks which are realistically on par — to those last year — marks which are still considered high — if low only relatively. His Sovereignty and Provision in His Grace — in my weaknesses..

And their words admonishing me to spend my time studying — cause if i want to get into postgrad/seminary i need higher marks — but the fact of reality is, *IF* God wants me to go into seminary / postgrad — He will get me there, He will provide the funds, the marks, the reference letters — the school. Just the Promise: Seek Him first and everything else will be added to you.

Yes there is marks and the importance of studying — but I am not willing to move out of what God has put on my heart to do… however fruitless it might seem to me or you University is so much more about growing faith than marks or learning philosophy or psychology or linguistics — everything — its about Him, worshiping Him first and for most

*Health*
I have been coughing pretty badly / deeply on and off for the last three weeks and the whole staying up late / essaying over night (yesterday) doesn’t really help — and I know I need to take care of my body — and I try, but He gives and takes away… His Grace is sufficient — abundant; I know I take this issue for granted leaving it as a secondary, just He gives and takes away… this heavy coughing when it started — He blessed it and used it to show me His provision — finally getting the time yet suddenly coming down with this massive coughing to know that in both times of need, times where i feel I can do it — that in all things I need to depend on Him, and going into that dreaded cognition exam — knowing my coughing had rendered me knowing maybe half of what I needed to know, being almost sure of failure, and dropping the class — to be pulled through with a B –

*Thankfulness*
Dad, mom, — i know I don’t show my appreciation very much or very well, I often neglect things that i probably should be doing — but.. deep inside i am thankful for what you do — for the morning car rides, the lunches, and filling up of my water bottle — countless list of stuff, so I’m sorry if I have burdened you in this — I’ll begin to make my own lunches, I’ll wake up and walk to my bus, if you truly find me a hassle… I’m just really frustrated too..

When you were talking — the image of Christ being persecuted, accused kept coming to me — because I know despite my sinfulness, despite my ungratefulness and taking you both for granted God is working… i don’t know to what end to what direction but… I just feel really frustrated as well, ministry isn’t all just socialling but so many nights i come home and i just want to cry because — I am helpless, a child who is immature, little, silly and everything is really overwhelming

And after this –it just feels like another weight layed on, It feels so impossible, for some of the things you ask I don’t think I am able to please God and you — because they seem contradictory– And I wonder at some of what you said if whether that is from God or some statement which came out the wrong way which Satan is use to discourage me, but regardless — thank you dad, thank you mom — thank for your seriousness, for your honesty, for your love, for your patience and perseverance in me -

I am not perfect, I am far from — and some of these things I know I need to do but many of them I will fail, I will leave the impression that i don’t care, that I take you for granted — and I apologize for that –

Please forgive me..
I’ll give my best — to change what I can, but only God can do the rest..

*Psalm 30:10-11 NKJV*

Hear, O LORD, and have mercy on me; LORD, be my helper!”
You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; You have put off my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness,