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I started reading/praying through Song of Songs (Song of Soloman) with the the accompanying podcast/mp3 sermon by Mike Bickle, this past weekend and God has quietly brought a few things to mind — many of them related with a few of those future/out of season things I was journaling about not too long ago.

*Quick–* For those of you who don’t know Song of Songs is a song celebrating the love between King Soloman & His Bride to be, God and Israel, and/or Christ and His Bride (The Church)

*Song of Solomon 1:2 NKJV*

Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth—
For your love is better than wine.

So yah — I’ve been reading throughout the Song a few times now, and this verse so far has stood out to me,

*Kisses of His mouth* — the image of full saturation, time stopping closeness, intimacy — where all else is irrelevant, intimacy with God. (not saying we should be asking to Jesus to kiss us) but it describes the *intensity* of His love for us. So involving every part of who we are — just to receive His Love for us.

Likewise, His love is *better than wine,* wine/alcohol being the depressant that socially helps people relate by inhibiting their defensive mechanisms and just being relaxed — His Love is better than wine! He loves us just as we are & we can stand bare before Him — with no shame because Christ has died and atoned for all our sins. We are secure in our relationship just to be ourselves

And I guess I can’t even really share or rationalize the depth of love there — just sheer joy, sheer love, sheer passion & peace.

*He loves me just as I am. unconditional, consummate, full of love.*

And just a few things that have been on my heart lately thoughts of insecurity / worry floating around in the back of my mind — in terms of ministry/relationships/future and the lot…

Inside I’ve been feeling disappointed at myself for being so ‘darn’ quiet / introverted — like ‘God why did you make me this way?!? it’d be so much easier’ just look at all those super cool ppl around me –

And this comparing tries to steal its way into my joy and satisfaction of being in His love, rather than having my assurance, worth and identity confirmed in Him - this slight feeling of helplessness & loneliness like oh no: 無人要 la– disappointment & failure.

Furthermore — that spirit of comparing draws me away further when i think over different stuff for like ministry now and later, just like argh! Where is my place? God what do you want me to do? You’ve made me with my personality, my gifts, my weaknesses — you’ve made me, for your Glory but what? I don’t get it..? where is my place at CCF? at York? at Jaffray at Aletheia– in your kingdom like agh! *stupid comparing!* I look at others, friends, brothers and sisters who are so anointed so gifted, have such a clear calling — and me … i’m just well me haha :p silly thoughts!

I know its all ludicrous, its all stupid, and lies — He loves me just as I am — regardless of what gifts I have, what I can/cannot do for Him, however messed up / immature I feel, His Love covers me…

and just the cry in Song of Songs — is just to be loved by Him, hold off on trying to understand everything, trying to rationalize, or make everything better — but just focus on His Love because its NOT ABOUT ME! but Him, His Glory, His Grace, His infinite abounding Love for me. Like even if you feel like a failure like you’re not worthy He sees His Church, His Bride as beautiful,

*Song of Solomon 1:8*

If you do not know, *O fairest among women*,
Follow in the footsteps of the flock, And feed your little goats Beside the shepherds’ tents.

This verse is in context to vs 5-7 in which She, the bride tells the maidens not to look at her because she’s ‘dark’ because family situations have put her out in the sun — out in the vineyard, and thus her her hands / skin isn’t as light or smooth / soft as a normal maiden’s and on top of that her own vineyard hasn’t been taken care of —

thus for the bride, she has (from the world/society’s view) lost her beauty, she has lost her softness in touch, and even lost her real estate.

In the eyes of the world, she has nothing, no beauty, no wealth — absolutely nothing.

Yet still the Lord calls her the *fairest* (NKJV) or *most beautiful* (ESV) among woman and goes on describes her beauty further and further –

*Song of Solomon 1:15 NKJV*

Behold, you are fair, my love!
Behold, you are fair!
You have dove’s eyes.

Affirming her that in His eyes — those things she feels most insecure ab out — that in His eyes she is perfect, without blemish — and He loves her just the same!

so comforting.

A verse of reminder for myself:

*Matthew 16:25 NKJV*
For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it.

God has bought me with the highest price — His Son, I am doubly owned — both He created me AND he bought me; all I have belong to Him — my material possessions, my personality, my gifts, my weaknesses, my friends, my hopes, my dreams, my ambitions — my heart; and as much as I want to hold on to these things for my confidence — they CANNOT, WILL NOT fill the loneliness/emptiness in me — only He can — I want to have vision, i want to have gifts, i want to have a girlfriend — but that life — if I hold those dreams for reality I will surely lose it — but rather if I give, surrender — give my whole heart to Him… He reveals, He shows — and in His time — His glory revealed
Surrender. — all of me Jesus,

You are all that I want! nothing else Lord, no one, no thing — just you God, Lord surround me in your love, sustain me (Song of Songs 2:5) God, for you are all I need, all I want Jesus

*Hold Me Now (Intimacy)*
Evan Earwicker

Jesus come now to my side and tell me it’s alright
Sing your symphony of love in the darkest hour of night
Jesus, you’re the hope I hold onto
Je - sus, I’ve found my rest in You

Hold me now, peace of God surround me
Til night finally fades to the light of the sun
Words cannot express your love, all I am is just because
The precious blood of Jesus was all that I needed

Father come and still my soul and the fear I cannot hide
Lest my worries take control, be my peace tonight
Jesus, you’re the hope I hold onto
Je - sus, I’ve found my rest in You

I’m coming back to the intimacy with my God
I’m coming back to the intimacy with my God
Cause I love you, yes I love you. Oh won’t you come and call to me?

©2006 Evan C. Earwicker