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On my way to Urbana right now (about 3 or so horus away), not really sure what to expect; God has been a bit quiet lately and I feel sort of ushered into a slight change of seasons… Its just been really quiet which is more or lses normal for the quiet/dry season God has been bringing me through– but its like it feels like God is alo starting to move and transition me towards a slight change / shift in seasons…

Not too sure towards what exactly, but I was praying with a brother the other night, just listening to him sahre and what not - felt the holy spirit begin stirring a renewed sense of desperation for Him, reminding me of the heart’s raw cry to just pursue Him, seek Him and stop at nothing else… relentless wholehearted seekign for Jesus. Its been about two days since praying and just over and over again - the emptyness, lonliness keeps coming back like buffeting waves; that space deep in my heart taht only He can fill..

And there’s the on going ‘frustration’ of going to Him in desperation, but coming away with very ilttle said, haven’t really felt God say anything tremendously specific/explicit to me for a long while, He quietly pokes and prods at my heart bringing up stuff and I know His Grace & Assurance hasn’t lifted and He is still here and working mightil..

Which in the grand scheme of things isn’t really an issue - been learnign to stop trying to ‘figure’ thigns out but just ‘be’ and let His Grace carry me - perseverence and waiting upon His promises

*Hebrews 11:6 ESV*
And without faith it is impossible to please Him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek Him

Not by my own efforts - but faith which is given by Him that I might more fully believe and experience His Grace that He promises to those who seek Him…

Surrendering my relationship with Him back to Him..
CAn’t realy do anything (that’s just legalistic religiosity) but seek His heart and wait..

Father,
You search the very depths of me… you see the quiet sorrows, the hidden lonliness — my desperation for you and my utter need for You; You are my desire, all I want God and Lord I plea with you would you speak — show Your Glory, would you increase faith in me that I might seek you more wholeheartedly, soften my heart open my eyes — Father it is not about me — but your will be done.. Would you break me from this narrow mindedness, expand my vision — to see you, for your glory for your renown; not just to hear you say i am beautiful and that you love me — but to follow and obey.. Lord instill in my heart a deeper passion for you — an undignified full abandonment to you — widen my ehart that I might come away with you to bound over mountains and hills — all to you, in Christ, in Surrender — Amen.

*smiles* very very joyful / cheerful right now, just spending time with daddy and having His assurance and sovereignty wash me over again and again; quieting all the stray worries and thoughts about everything that has been happening, reminding me that everything was given by Grace, and everything will continue out by Grace, I just have to: ’sit back, relax and enjoy’ just as my dear friend said
I was just reading Galatians again, quite possibly my favorite book in the Bible, Chapter 5; about how Christ has set us free already! And Paul is rebuking the church in Galatia about not picking up that yoke of the law / flesh again –

*Galatians 5:1 ESV*

For Freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to the yoke of slavery

But much rather continuing in Grace, continuing in that freedom — Truth that sets us free (John 8:32), Perfect love which drives out all fear (1 John 4:8), because nothing else counts for anything but faith (in Christ) that works through love (in Christ) (Galatians 5:6).

And yah– just in everything God has just been so continually gracious, gently prodding and reminding me to turn it all back over to Him — not just mentally / spiritually / emotionally but a whole hearted yielding surrender to Him. Yielding not just to do nothing and wait, but to continue to seek and pursue His heart & His will..

Last night — after work, God blessed me with the opportunity to talk to one of my close friends, Johnny, and we were just sharing all about God’s Grace and Sovereign Provision in everything — Academics, Relationship stuff, just like everything! And its soo refreshing to talk with someone who is so alive & passionate for our God, taking hold of His salvation and running hard after Him! Seeing how God has set his heart on fire — and mcats all that crazy med stuff is all in the outflow mmm!! One word: beautiful!

And one thing he reminded me about was the whole giving it *all* back to God. Reminding me of the story of Abraham & Issac (which i wrote about earlier this month), Abraham being the Patriarch of Israel & the Father of promise (Issac) — known for His Faith in God. And still in His faithfulness and deep relationship with God; He still managed to hold on to the promise too closely; And God in His Sovereignty asks for it back ~ because

*1 Corinthians 6:12 ESV*

All things are lawful for me,” but not all things are helpful. “All things are lawful for me,” but *I will not be enslaved by anything.*

God’s graces & blessings, all given for us in abundance, He lavishes His children with all of who He is. He gives the best to His beloved! So that we can enjoy Him — to know Him (John 17:3) and Glorify Him (1 Cor 6:20), not for our fleshly indulgences (Gal 5:13-14) but rather in that grand outflow of love, we love others and (He) bring others in heralding the Glory of our God!

And yah… just spending time with daddy — reflecting and finally absorbing more or less everything that has happened, He has drawn me closer and now I just want to turn back to Praise, turn back and give it *all* back to you Jesus. Because its You that I want, you that I desire — *hugs* thank you daddy!! I love You!!

Its been 2-3 days since my last post and wow — God has been doing so much — I don’t even know where to begin of just His Sovereignty, Grace, and provision through this past year & half even — Its so crazy and wow learning so much to trust in Him for anything and everything, so overwhelmingly simple. Just beautiful, set so free in His Truth/Love, that assurance that He is near and working powerfully in my life despite the quiet season and just waiting on upon Him.

*Simplicity: God loves me, I love God. - Just Be.*
His Sovereign, Complete, and Perfect Love spilling out of me–
Just living in the outflow of that, day by day mm thank you daddy!

I’ll elaborate in further detail later — as much I can; but like everything Paul writes about in Galatians, Ephesians and Philippians coming alive all at once summed up in Jesus’ teachings about not worrying/being anxious but just –

*Matthew 6:33 ESV*

But *seek first* the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and *all* these things will be added to you.

Just seeking God’s heart first — in all things, lots of surrendering laying aside dreams — and certain things I’ve already decided to put aside come back in just that mighty flow…

learning that — for Relationship, Academics, Finances, Ministry

*cheers* Praise God!

moved to tears by His Grace & Sovereignty — thank you Jesus!!!

Every blessing You pour out I’ll turn back to praise,
And when the darkness closes in, Lord;

Still I will say:
Blessed be the name of the Lord,
Blessed be Your name.
Blessed be the name of the Lord,
Blessed be Your glorious name.
*Blessed Be Your Name* - Chorus & PreChorus, Matt Redman

*quick:* gotta get back to studying ~

I want to die to self-trying and live in full reliance on His Grace
in academics, relationships/friendships, finances, my relationship with God, ministry.
In everything, God - would you be my everything.

I really like this passage… reminds me a lot of myself

*1 Corinthians 1:26-31 ESV*

26For consider your calling, brothers: not many of you were wise according to worldly standards, not many were powerful, not many were of noble birth. 27But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; 28God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are, 29so that no human being might boast in the presence of God. 30He is the source of your life in Christ Jesus, whom God made our wisdom and our righteousness and sanctification and redemption. 31Therefore, as it is written, “Let the one who boasts, boast in the Lord.”

raw worship–

*Your Grace Is Enough*
Chris Tomlin, Matt Maher

Great is Your faithfulness oh God
You wrestle with the sinner’s heart
You lead us by still waters and to mercy
And nothing can keep us apart

So remember Your people
Remember Your children
Remember Your promise
Oh God

Your grace is enough
Your grace is enough
Your grace is enough for me

Great is Your love and justice God
You use the weak to lead the strong
You lead us in the song of Your salvation
And all Your people sing along

Your Grace is enough
Heaven reaching down to us
Your Grace is enough for me
God, I see Your grace is enough
I’m covered In your love
Your grace is enough for me
For me

©2003 spiritandsong.com

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Last night was really crazy emotionally — if you read that just lots of feelings of lonliness, emptyness, brokenness, neglect, frustration and just soo desperately needing Jesus but feeling like He just wasn’t there — and its only Him — only Jesus that can fill this deep chasm in my heart…, but somehow he is out of reach? oh wretched glimpse of hell!

And yah — just praying last night, surrendering my relationship with God to Him — there is nothing I can do, so God find me! And just waking up today– felt led to read lj before spending time with daddy, which led me to read something I wrote last year and.. mmm remembering in His promises again,

Rising above my ‘feelings’ and emotions of belittlement:
Am i not daddy’s beloved child –who’s love is inseperable from? Am i not his beloved? even if i feel like a wreck, — my identity and worth — is in Him Not what I can do, or even who I am but — who I belong to!

so whatever loneliness, whatever silliness, whatever lies, whatever shattered brokenness — am I not His already?

*Romans 8:37-39 ESV*
37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38 For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, 39 nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

*In Your Hands*
Reuben Morgan

I’m so secure
You’re here with me,
You stay the same
Your love remains,
Here in my heart.

So close I believe,
You’re holding me now
In Your hands I belong
You’ll never let me go

You gave Your life
In Your endless love
You set me free
And showed me the way
Now I am found

©1996 Reuben Morgan (Hillsongs)

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I’m feeling pretty empty right now, just this great draft of brokenness, loneliness, wanting for someone who understands to talk and listen to… but there is no one i can go talk to.. well no one i can go talk to to fill this gap, this void, in me –

yah, I can probably call up a close friend, or go on youtube or check out techblogs and distract my mind and fill up my appetite with friendship, idleness, or materialism but — really it is only God that fills, that makes me complete — makes me whole..

but my heart right now feels so resistant, just going through these past few weeks of reading and listening to (some) sermons everything seems ‘ok’ God is speaking yah, prodding at different things — He is moving and during exams and studying He is showing His Grace and His amazing provision — Praise God! His Word His Spirit is so alive in those times!

yet when i come by to my humble little room — my sanctuary, my ’sacred space’ there is just this deep chasm of emptyness? I seek Him in prayer — read His Word, listen to sermons, worship but everything seems so vain; and when everything just fades a way…

its just me, and God — just me and You huh? and that startling fear of perhaps its just me? Like yah His assurance, His Grace is there — His peace His joy — superseding my emotions my feeling of emptiness, but… each day i come away feeling like it made no difference…

A few days ago I felt this feeling that i was being ‘religious’ about reading my Bible — so i decided to center my quiet time with Him around free flow worship & praying.. which is good but… still i cannot deny; past the music past the crying out to God — little perry here is still feeling quite empty..

I know its not my place to ‘figure’ out what is wrong — but i guess just writing this reflection right now, I’m reminded that its His Grace in anything we do, I can pray, worship, sing, dance, write, be silent, preach, listen, but all that is in vain outside of trusting His Grace because it is His grace that makes things happen, His grace that cleanses my worship to be pleasing, His grace that imparts knowledge and understanding for those who read or hear — His grace that draws me near..

all else is vanity — as Christians, as children of God we do not sing praises to God because we want to be close to God, nor do we do it to get closer to God. No we recognize that we in our human condition are totally depraved, dead in our sins — unable to do anything to come to the the living God much less know Him, no — all those actions are pure vanity, pure nothingness

But we still lift our hands, still lift our voices in praise and worship to Him because He loves us! because He has already brought us close into intimacy with Him! He imparts grace to us that — that in prayer, in worship, in reading His Holy breathed out, spoken word The True and Living God would meet with us — and that in His revealing of Himself we might know Him, know the heights, widths, lengths and depths of His Grace/Love — having that fill every nook and cranny of our being we are changed from the inside out –

no longer walking according to the ways of this earth — but our worth, our identity, our security, our power is completely and solely in Him — in Him Alone.

Father I am tired, I am weary –
I have longed from the very depths of my heart to seek you — and I have been relentless in my pursuit of you– and though you delight in that.. i feel yearning has been so fruitless… for God it is not in what I do… not in what my heart yearns for — but completely in your grace imparted to me… I know that Lord — you give and you take away, I know you give in your time… but father would you draw me away in/with you, let me cling to your embrace for Lord without you — outside of you I am nothing, I am broken, a wreck, nothing… God lead me where you will.. but restore me in your time — for God, i need you, missing you dearly.. in Christ, by Faith — Amen