pearbox : undefined

I’ve been feeling pretty ‘good’ lately, life is good, God has been bringing many good things to fruition, pouring out his tremendous blessings and even stirring up a lot in me, specifically perseverance and building up my character despite feeling bla, distant, inadequate, a fool at times.., so most everything has been really good in general, not particularly easy, but very blessed and knowing that God is at hand and working mightily and powerfully.

One thing that has been bothering me for the last year almost has just been the general season of quietness, waiting and waiting upon God — seeking and seeking Him but finding only soft gentle prods or even silence at times… and frustration in me, for my relationship builds and builds because all I want is to be in His embrace, to be carried forth by His Spirit — to run quick, fast, relentless not withholding anything just to follow straight after Him! I want to go DEEPER AND DEEPER! to Seek His Heart — for my life, my campus, my church, my fellowship, my friends, everything — for His Glory!! I want to live a life holy consecrated, pleasing worship to my God!

And as of late its just been bleh.. was finding my appetite for the word grow less and less, my prayers growing dimmer and dimmer — like though all that passion is there it felt like it was started to just get snuffed out and I felt totally out of touch.. like God — I know you’re there but won’t you just speak? just say something!! GOD!!! RAWR! and thats sort of been on and on, with each passing moment in the season — pressing on… persevering, growing tired and weary — still pressing on… and it feels like its been just dragging and dragging… And this morning I was walking to the bus stop and just spending time with daddy and i felt like argh… i feel so shallow in my faith right now… like God has so much more for me, but I am just living in this puddle of unsatisfied..

Where has my spirit of dissatisfied go? where has that passionate heart that cries out in desperation — relentlessly in pursuit of God go? whence has my heart become so dry, calloused, and impassioned?

I was talking to God about all of that… and just feeling frustrated, I got on VIVA and turned on my MD, and found myself listening to C. J. Mahaney’s sermon: Guard, which was on:

*Hebrews 3:12-14 ESV*
12 Take care, brothers, lest there be in any of you an evil, unbelieving heart, leading you to fall away from the living God. 13 But *exhort* one another every day, as long as it is called “today,” that none of you may be hardened by the *deceitfulness of sin*. 14 For we have come to share in Christ, if indeed we hold our original confidence firm to the end.

And one part of the sermon jumped out at me, was that we cannot fully see or evaluate our sin, we can see other ppls’ but not our own because sin is *deceitful* and a lot of it is so deeply embedded in our human nature that even as Reborn, Regenerated, Spirit led Christians that sin - which has lost its power and dominion in us is still present in us, and it deceives us— sometimes lulling our appetite away on even the most simplest of things…

Then in morning prayer meeting — we’re just praying and Peter shared about how when we come to God, even when we’re tired or weary — we need to ‘wrestle’ with God like Jacob did to claim that blessing, and that spurred a few thoughts in just my own relationship with God, how my prayers seemed to be growing more and more foreign to me, felt like i started spitting out empty words…. lacking that genuine authenticity– that genuine love and relationship… but rather just spitting out pretty words and generic things bleh. (sorry daddy)

Then tonight at CCF — mmm simple program but so powerful, God came and met with me… through Brandon’s mini message, the songs, praying together and crying out to God as one body, one fellowship — just wanted to break down and cry (for those of you who don’t know… i have this problem of not knowing how to cry) but just teary eyed, feeling this deep conviction in my heart that I have not been living in a manner worthy of the Calling, in a manner that fully embraces that true joy and freedom

I have become lukewarm, proud and arrogant — and God resists the proud but he gives more grace to the humble, and lifts him/her up — And I’m just taken a back at my own quiet drifting away and taking my salvation for granted… soo good, to know that God is here, God is near and in midst of the quietness he has never left; but much rather he gives greater grace, and as the Good shepherd leaves me not be when i wander, but He comes to find me—

Praise God!