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Haven’t been really getting around blogging these past few weeks, been going through a lot of transition & change in terms of priorities, ‘life arrangement,’ ministry et cetera, and God has been doing tremendous amounts in my life– so despite not blogging and being so overtly transparent; everything is actually going really well, God has blessed me so much and He’s been teaching me a lot this past while..

*Inadequacy*
One of the things Daddy has been bringing out over this past year of CCF has been my sense of inadequacy, and inability in terms of ministry and who I am in the Grace of God, In His Spirit. Being prayer coordinator this year has been really tough for me in terms of trying to find the pragmatic, “how,” or “right” form of leading prayer meetings; while knowing theoretically/theologically that its not by my works, by what creativity I have that people are changed but rather by the Grace of God.

But still after each week of expositing Ephesians, I always felt like there could’ve been “something” I could’ve done or said better– I have a passion for the Word, but unclarity, uncertainty, fear often comes and plagues the mind critical self evaluation… And in my mind I know that ministry/witnessing and all that it *all* comes out of your relationship with God, and I just felt like argh I have so much passion and want for my brothers and sisters to meet with Him and be changed by Him; but my words themselves seem to be dead, and i don’t really see much fruits/feedback; I don’t have music, speaking or really any thing ‘particular’ to facilitate; all i had was my relationship with daddy, the Holy Spirit and my Bible… which is actually pretty much all you need..

But yah coming into this semester, just felt like the last semester felt like a chore, I wanted it to be spirit led like my own personal times with God, but there i found myself slaving away with a commentary, and waiting upon God but after a while just slaving a way trying to pull something out of the Word… falling from dependency on Grace to a reliance of my own effort; taking on the heavy yoke of ministry on myself.. I wanted it to be free flow spirit led — but each time I let go a bit, it slid a bit, and I found myself catching hold… uncertainty.

Going to Urbana, and just coming back — I’ve been reconsidering a lot about Prayer Ministry, a lot about my role, the form pragmatics, and really just my relationship with daddy and ‘how’ i should go about refocusing and relying on His Grace.. in this area of life

So going into retreat — I came to God with that deep sense of inadequacy, and all the uncertainty surrounding it, expecting and anticipating for His answer — for Him to meet with me in this hurting, flailing are of my life… and God came and met with me..

Through the sermons, quiet time, the Word — felt God leading me and guiding me to more fully understand and experience what He has been doing in this rather long season of dessert quietness.

In the session about Anointing, Matt Wan was teaching on Anointing/Baptism of the Holy Spirit, and He touched at the passage of Jesus after being filled with the Spirit was led into the desert place (Luke 4). This for me gave me a glimpse into the broader picture of my life — especially in terms of my ’season’ of just being filled by Him and being led to desert times, times of uncertainty, desperation and need; God is and has been building my character tremendously, teaching me to trust Him regardless of everything; and tho His voice might not be as clear, He is at hand and the fruits of His labor are springing forth.. all this leading up to a calling –

*Anointing* - the qualification of men/women who are appointed/chosen for a specific task. Chosen by God for His purpose. (rough adapted definition)

Matt shared that — in the OT, 3 types of people were annointed:
1. King : for leadership & warfare
2. Priests : for worship
3. Prophets : Preaching the Word, Prophetic Utterance
And in the OT not everyone had access to God or the Spirit of God — the Israelites only had access to these people who act as the mediator;

And Jesus — being the King of Kings, the Great High Priest, A Prophetic and the Divine Son of the Living God receives the full embodiment of the Spirit; each annointing– and He says–

*John 16:13-14 ESV*
When the Spirit of truth comes, he will *guide you into all the truth*, for he will not speak on his own authority, but *whatever he hears he will speak*, and he will declare to you the things that are to come. He will glorify me, for he will take what is mine and declare it to you.

That same Spirit — God; who guides, empowers, and speaks; the operative in Christ’s the Apostles’ ministry is here and now operative in our lives. And as chosen believers who pursue God by the way of Christ we are sealed with His Spirit (Eph 1:13) by Grace (Gal 3:2) — We are called as priests, living *worship* that points and brings everyone to Him, called to be Kings dangerous in warfare - intercessors, prayer warriors, preachers, prophets and the like — His Spirit, His Love taking souls by storm; breaking strongholds and the principalities of this world; We are called as prophets, messengers of the True Living God to this darkworld ushering news of His Kingdom–

Yes - I/we often feel like we don’t know ‘what to do’ or that we are inadequate, fearful or just totally useless or helpless; we might feel that the eyes of the world are watching us to fall and stumble, to crash and burn– and we will! but out of defeat, loss, failure — we rise again for Christ is our deliverer and provider — Jehovah-Mephalti — Jahovah-Jireh!

So in Strength in Weakness, in loss or victory
– let us the same depend and rely on the Lord; for He is Good and He is Faithful
*For The Battle Belongs to the Lord!*

*Praise God!*