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I’m not sure what to write, but today has been such a humbling day. Seeing and experiencing God’s grace in choosing me a sinner, a slave who once with out hope, condemned in sin — called out to be a child, an heir, a servant, a leader. To partake with my God in being part of His story at York, at CCF.

I don’t know what to say. I’m not particular excited, or particularly fearful; Just a quiet anticipating peace, waiting for Him to come, waiting for more of my Lord — that I might be filled with more of Him to commune in His Spirit and do the work He has called me to.

Today, I felt really tired during the day — reading Ephesians praying and seeking God for His direction for prayer meeting and it felt like nothing was coming together. After the attacks of discouragement, despair, self pity, and doubt — I have been feeling that He’s been so far away, so distant; like He’s just not saying anything. But whatever, God is near, He is faithful and His love endures forever. So going into prayer meeting — I had one verse he had given me two weeks ago:

*1 Corinthians 14:26 ESV*
What then, brothers? When you come together, each one has a hymn, a lesson, a revelation, a tongue, or an interpretation. Let all things be done for building up.

Speaking of orderly worship — in just coming together as one body, in one spirit to worship the one True Living God. Just trusting in His Word — and was so encouraged by each of the sharings, the songs.. the desire to seek His Heart regardless of the distance, despite the loneliness.

*God is so Good!*
I’m learning to let go bit by bit and just trust in Him & His Word.

Then during program the Grads & David sharing their bit of CCF history, and admonishing us to keep seeking God, sharing how God has powerfully moved and grown them in their brief walk with CCF — catching glimpse of that bigger picture, of God’s sovereign hand on CCF, on each member leading us onwards..

And the chair elections, the prayer commissioning — the whole fellowship praying over us, giving their support and approval; affirming that call that God has quietly put in my heart these last two months.

It’s just all very humbling, what can I say. I know my many faults, my fears, my feelings of inadequacy; yet still God has brought me near into His embrace, called me to this position. The body of Christ — CCF, affirming in that call, that tight embrace of prayer and love from these dear brothers and sisters.

*sighs* Praise God — His Grace is more than enough.

daddy, Lord —
I want and need more of you God, for you to fill me, to change me to renew me. I want to give you my heart — with all its dreams, worries, fears, and doubts; all of me God surrendered to all of you. Lord, I lift this charing position and CCF back up to you. For what can I do? I am but a man, a sinner — saved by your grace. Lord I feel helpless, but I know that you have called me to this and I commit this to you. For your glory in our lives, on our campus. Would you meet with us, and let us be wholly changed in your love, in knowing and trusting you. Daddy I need you, we need you — take this, take me and let us be a pleasing worship to you. Its all for you. All for you Jesus.
In Christ, Amen.

mmmm… feel miserable right now; this deep weight of discouragement, lots of doubts and fears; wondering what the heck I am doing… what the heck have i gotten myself into? I feel so little, and tossed into this great big ocean to swim on my own…

These last two weeks have been so severely strenuous, but God has been so extremely faithful; getting through my research methods exam, two essays; elections and everything — and God’s presence has always been there; without doubt, Him meeting me each time I kneel down to pray, each time I cry out to Him or sing a new song — He is there, and He holds me close in His embrace…

yet just today feels like everything accumulated just crashed… and though I feel that I am safe in His arms, and that everything is free, light; just set in His grace, I feel miserable, like Satan’s whispers and attacks mounting higher and higher… and I’m just so tired, so weary of all of this…

like God — I want to live a life wholly, worthy, pleasing worship to you; but I am so tired, so alone.. so empty God… I feel like you’ve called to so great a thing, and give me the passion, the dreams the desire to pursue after you in this task — CCF next year but augh… I don’t know…

these past few weeks have just been massive drain… in each every area of my life… and its like I don’t even know anymore.. aiy..

Doubts like — God have you really called me to this ministry this coming year? I know you have, you’ve been giving me so many ideas and everything but I feel like there’s nothing; just misery… I don’t know how to do that, and His Spirit and His Word is enough but — i just feel so discouraged right now..

Today was actually a really good day — got to meet up with Jesse and Diane, and they encouraged me much about elections CCF, next year my leadership ability; and last night the Froshies were just sheer encouragement reminding me to continue to persevere for God is working mightily and powerfully…

but after just talking with Jesse / Diane, just this deep emptyness — this deep lonliness; just sheer discouragement; like yah God has brought so many people into my life at York, Joeie, Mavis, Jesse, Caleb, Brandon, Dennis, Chun — the list goes on and on of people both in and out of CCF; and they see so much in me, but I look and I see nothing of what they say right now… like yah I know and believe its there — i don’t know…

this is stupid; I feel like there’s a big pool of self pity before me, and I refuse to jump in but, I refuse to act all strong and everything… so here i am just writing my feelings i guess…

So much strain from all the busyness… I haven’t really talked talked with my girlfriend for 2 weeks.. Physically I haven’t been really eating well, or sleeping quite enough; Assignments/Papers/Exams seem unending; but God has still been so faithful — in midst of the loneliness, discouragement he is and has always been here so close..

but just like everything accumulating and I feel like I’m going to crash, like what can do… just lie on my bed and cry >.< I’m tired, I’m weary… I feel lost and the uncertainties of tomorrow just worry me bits; my God is my strong tower, my refuge, the Good Shepherd, the Faithful Father… daddy…

here’s little perry, daddy’s beloved… bleh, i have nothing to say but this is me and how i feel.

*James 1:2-4 ESV*
Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

Everything is a haze.
but one thing is for sure:
Daddy loves me, I love Him; and Victory is in the Cross already.
All these other things - are extra..

*Prayer Request:* Joy will not be quenched in midst of the barrage of spiritual attacks in most every area of my life.

Soli Deo Gloria

One of the prevailing lessons that God has been teaching me this past year has been to trust Him in every area of my life — to give it all back to Him, in midst of lack, fear, uncertainty — just to hold on to obedience to Him, and to trust that while it seems that I am being led deeper and deeper into the shadow of the valley of death, that He will not leave me with lack; and that His provision & providence is there — learning Psalm 23; whether green pastures or dark valleys with wolves; that God is my shepherd and I will not be in want for anything else, and that it is He that guides, He that protects –

I want to give a thanksgiving and share with you about how God has been teaching me to trust in Him with my finances.

*Urbana*
Earlier this year — back in summer, when Urbana registrations and everything was happening I still didn’t have a job, and I felt like I had like no money to go, or anything — but felt like ah, just trust God and credit card it (I had enough money to pay for the conference, just not much in terms of saving for the school year’s expenses). So I just paid the $500 for that and gave it to God…

For Urbana, what ended up happening that in May my cousin came over and on the last day she gave me $200 before she left, my mom gave me $100, and my dad on the very last day of leaving for Urbana gave me $200 from some investment thing he apparently did.

So what ended up happening was that my trip down to Urbana was paid in full, all the costs, everything; I actually ended up with $100 surplus; God’s abundance of blessings (:

*Fall*
As well, earlier this year — God has been really teaching me to be generous with my Money, to listen in the spirit and just follow as he leads; so a lot of the times I felt God being like “Go! talk to this person, treat this person out etc etc..” So I was like… God.. I don’t really have much money but alright — I’ll just go for it!

And so it went, and my money started dipping down to a much less comfortable level —

And around this time, I felt God poking at me to trust Him even more with my finances — had a barrage of not so good sermons and good sermons on social justice, which didn’t so much convict me of giving to the poor or anything; but much more that there is a need, and felt God prodding me to give what little I had and just trust in Him..

My budget looked pretty thin already, so I was still asking God about it — but out of nowhere i remember my dad started asking me to do my taxes and what not for the last two years, and that happened and got just enough money for the next bit; so I decided to start sponsoring a kid from Compassion.ca

*Winter*
New year rolled around, and money from them tax returns helped a lot, and though I didn’t have much surplus or anything; my budget was pretty much in line; at least to break even without needing to ask my parents or borrow money–

*Note:* For some reason for the month of February I got like bare minimal like 0-2? hours of work at my part time job — and my budget is set up so that I have a small pool of cash which I draw on (from summer) and I work a bit to reduce the strain on the pool.. so not having work really put a strain on my budget *

Then CCF retreat happened which was $70, and I wrote a cheque for that; which got NSFed (insufficient funds); bounced and the bank charged me $35 on my side, $35 on ccf’s side; and $5 for random administration costs — which totally threw my finely balanced budget into a tailspin.. :\

I also had a $100 credit card bill to pay off, which after paying for those other things left me with in the negatives; Chinese new Years rolled around just a few days before my credit card payment was due and that ended up matching what I lost and the difference on the the credit card payment; breaking even with loss & what i owed, leaving me with just enough money for the next week of bussing;

So was praying about finances and what not; and come Wednesday, after CCF — I only had 1 VIVA ticket left for the next day, and I was talking to my girlfriend on the phone; and she was sharing how she got this prophetic dream of this great evangelism type thing, and some uncle gave her money to give to me. So we were just joking about it, like “hehe haha, I’m going to get home and God is going to give me a lai si.” Then what should happen when I get home is that my dad tells me that my sister was going to her website and they must have typed something wrong, because he happened to go to my website, which reminded him that one of my uncles from HK had given me a $100 for Chinese New Year –

So I’m like whoa! go GOD! hahaha!! YAY! I can go to school for another few weeks! yay! (so nerdy); And just this past week I was working on my essay Wednesday night and was just getting my bible to write my essay when what should I find but this envelope that says “PERRY - Be Blessed :)” Praise God!

*Matthew 6:33 ESV*

But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

God revealing Himself and His sovereign provision –
Just seek first His Kingdom, His Righteousness, and all these other things He will provide as you need.

Seek His Heart, and Trust in Him in all things (:

*cheers*
Praise God!

One more essay to go… CCF Elections tomorrow; but mmm been listening to Jaeson Ma’s sermon/workshop session thing on Church Planting –

Introduction to Church Planting - Jaeson Ma

mmm… soo good.. and Article:
Apostolic Passion

Much to chew upon and soak in;

God loves me, I love God — Simple.
what else can I possibly want - school, finances, ministry, relationship — Victory hinges not on anything else but that simple fact (:

*cheers*

Dear friend,

please pray for me —
this week is massively overwhelming with my exam today, two essays on Thursday; added with CCF elections on wednesday — time is tight, energy is low, stress is high, and just need more of God.

- wave of inadequacy & fear is calmed for now *

*Pslam 121 ESV*
1 I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come?
2 *My help comes from the Lord*,who made heaven and earth.

3 He will not let your foot be moved; he who keeps you will not slumber.
4 Behold, he who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.
5 The Lord is your *keeper*; the Lord is your *shade* on your right hand.

6 The sun shall not strike you by day,nor the moon by night.
7 The Lord will *keep you from all evil*; he will *keep your life*.

8 The Lord will *keep your going out and your coming in* from this time forth and forevermore.

*Still*
Reuben Morgan

Hide me now
Under Your wings
Cover me
Within Your mighty hand

When the oceans rise
And thunders roar
I will soar with You
Above the storm
Father You are King
Over the flood
I will be still and know
You are God

Find rest my soul
In Christ alone
Know His power
In quietness and trust

©2002 Hillsong Publishing

I met up with Jesse yesterday and was just sharing about my feelings of inadequacy and fears, these past few days & really this past school year. God has been stirring up a lot in this area, moving it, changing it — lots of refining & building up in my character.

And as I was just sharing I brought up how when I was little I was like deathly quiet, those of you who ‘knew’ me back in kindergarten/elementary school probably don’t have much recollection of me except being like some sort of furniture thing, because well… I didn’t speak at all — the whole day! everyday! My parents even brought me to see a psychologist to see if I had some learning/developmental problems that could explain why I was so quiet.

And that conversation brought up some of my own thought and thinking how starting off from that point — how my interactions with other people has always psychologically conditioned me to clam up, to not say anything, to think my words are worthless, that people won’t understand or wont’ hear…

A few of my most distinct childhood memories were –

*Grade 1*
I was the only Chinese kid at the school, and during recess we would play outside but them kids were racist and I’d always be left out, my most distinct memory was when everyone went into the ‘club house’ to play and I wanted to join– and I asked them “Can I play?” And they would laugh and jeer and be like sure “you can pray” and I would be like “noo play!” — more jeering and rejection “sure you can go pray” and just tears and hurts and stuff… and that left me being singled out in the playground — and got bullied and beaten up and stuff;

*Grade 3-4*
I changed to a different school and here it was better, kids were still racist and called me ‘flat faced’ because I was Chinese and made fun of the Chinese language saying i talked like “ching chow wa” or whatever; but what I remember most distinctly was every time I talked to the teacher, she would ask me to say it again louder; She was really kind and gentle but the same… what I said was way too soft, and she would have trouble hearing me and again and again ask me what I said– enforcing in my subconscious.. that I wasn’t really heard or whatever..

*Summer Sometime*
Then a summer probably around Grade 6ish 7? My parents wanted to encourage me to overcome my fear and enrolled me into Public Speaking Camp — needless to say I was terrified, and after that camp swore that I would never speak in public again… utterly terrifying & traumatic..

*Junior High / High School*
So as an accumulation of all this — I found myself in Junior High / High school where you have to do presentations and speeches and things; and for English my marks would be 90 90 60 90; because once the term on speeches came I just didn’t know how to prepare, I didn’t know what to do, what to say… heck I felt what I thought or said was totally useless and meaningless so like why am i even going up there?

*Past few years*
This doesn’t affect me quite as much, but I have a burden for the people at my church for them to really know and understand that richness and fullness of God’s grace — not to do the church thing and devo thing — like I did for 10 years of my life but to embrace Grace; embrace surrender — Embrace God!! To no resist grace by depending on works; And it seems (to me) every time I talk, that it sort of gets shrugged off in this air of indifference; I know its not the response or whatever, but like come on — are we a Church? are we Christians? like we don’t even pray!! (not to say praying defines a church; more is vital a fruit); I’ll stop ranting–

But like yah… building up — I remember once being in the shower just telling God that yah I want to give my life wholly for Him, wherever he wants me to do I will do it — except preaching; And just the sheer terror of that; the inner vow…

And its funny, over this past season God building up my Character and learning a bit more about His calling & anointing on my life.. I feel the more and more ‘chill’ or open to the idea of preaching, this thing that Satan as sown so many seeds of fear and even from an early age has tried to strangle and hold down… my deep introversion; God is refining, weeding it out and burning away the chaff…

And Jesse asked me if it was one skill that I want to learn/master what would it be? and I said preaching. :p haha;

I feel that these coming two years, especially like campus ministry — CCF, God is going to do so much in terms of my character building, heck He has done so much already, but He also has so much to do…

So yah.. I’ll leave you off with this song, which is my prayer… hope this edifies you some (:

*Take My Life (Holiness)*
Scott Underwood

Holiness
Holiness is what I long for
Holiness is what I need
Holiness
Holiness is what you want from me

Take my heart and form it
Take my mind, transform it
Take my will, conform it
To yours, to yours, oh Lord

Faithfulness, Faithfulness is what I long for
Faithfulness is what I need
Faithfulness, Faithfulness is what you want from me

Righteousness, Righteousness is what I long for
Righteousness is what I need
Righteousness, Righteousness is what you want from me

©1995 Mercy / Vineyard Publishing

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mmm.. just found out my job opportunity for this summer got completely wiped out; shaky shakyness..

*James 1:2-4 ESV*

Count it *all joy*, my brothers, when you meet *trials of various kinds*, 3 for you know that the *testing of your faith produces steadfastness*. 4 And let steadfastness have its *full effect*, that you may be *perfect* and *complete*, *lacking in nothing*.

Take that spirit of inadequacy/insufficiency!!

Made *PERFECT* - *COMPLETE* - *LACKING in NOTHING* !!

*Romans 8:28 ESV*

And we know that for those who love God *all things work together for good*, for those who are *called* according to his purpose.

Praise God!

Feeling really really overwhelmed these few days… feels like this everything is weighing me down, and the quick rush of uncertainty is billowing over me; school, ministry, unmotivatedness, myself and the rush of fear & feelings of inadequacy for these two weeks. Just feels so burdensome; and like every circumstance, everything is getting shaken shaken shaken.

My heart is disrupt, plagued with fears of not knowing what to say, not knowing how to lead, or what to do… not wanting to be rejected, letting people down, or proven to be a disappointment– to God, his people, and myself.

I feel I’m afraid both of failure, and of standing out — I’m afraid of letting Go and letting God. Scared that as I start letting go of my grasp, and as things start to slide that things will erupt in flames, shatter into a million pieces… I’m scared that God won’t show up, I’m fearful that everything I have held so dear, so close to my heart — held to so firmly is just a flicker of some psychological idea, like ministry — CCF, my calling, my passion — my God; the doubts of unbelief try to shaken — the One thing that remains constant.

*My Lord, my God - my strong tower, my refuge, and shield, the Rock of my Salvation; who is always near, leading me, guiding me; holding me close and never letting me go; ever in His sight.*

Today — just walking through the hallways, the spirit kept prodding me gently with these verses–

*Matthew 11:28-29 ESV*
Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and *I will give you rest*. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For *my yoke is easy, and my burden is light*.”

Feel God calling to me, my weary heart, the tears left inside uncried, wanting, yearning left unsatisfied– suppressed frustration; that depth of inadequacy and fear… needing for a word, His presence; a hug; an affirmation of His presence, His will be done in my life..

And just feel a bit of legalism — like I “need” to do well, or whatever to gain God’s acceptance, His love; when all that is By Grace Alone, Through Faith Alone, in Christ Alone — On that Cross where my Savior died, and hung on a tree with the weight of my sins, my guilt, and my shame… dying and 3 days later ascending from the Grave in victory unto the Father– purchasing me with the ultimate price;

Thus redeeming me, washing me, and clothing me with a new identity; A new Creation — His son, His beloved one - whom he loves and delights in!

A son not illegitimacy, but one that is well loved, cherished and has open access/inheritance to the fullness and richness of His abounding Grace. A son not powerless and useless, but a son filled with the Holy Spirit in Power and Love. A son not forsaken, but a son of The Most High, who is faithful even when he is faithless. A son not to timid, but BOLD in the Spirit, in the Gospel — for He is more than a conqueror in the inseparable love of Christ.

My identity, worth, value is not found in my deeds or how well a certain ministry or thing goes. It is not in how I feel, or what other people think or say. But it is in Christ alone — my worth — He paid in full; my identity found in my belonging in Him; a new Creation.

Awaken O my soul to His Salvation — His Grace come down.
Daddy would you show your face –