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I met up with Jesse yesterday and was just sharing about my feelings of inadequacy and fears, these past few days & really this past school year. God has been stirring up a lot in this area, moving it, changing it — lots of refining & building up in my character.

And as I was just sharing I brought up how when I was little I was like deathly quiet, those of you who ‘knew’ me back in kindergarten/elementary school probably don’t have much recollection of me except being like some sort of furniture thing, because well… I didn’t speak at all — the whole day! everyday! My parents even brought me to see a psychologist to see if I had some learning/developmental problems that could explain why I was so quiet.

And that conversation brought up some of my own thought and thinking how starting off from that point — how my interactions with other people has always psychologically conditioned me to clam up, to not say anything, to think my words are worthless, that people won’t understand or wont’ hear…

A few of my most distinct childhood memories were –

*Grade 1*
I was the only Chinese kid at the school, and during recess we would play outside but them kids were racist and I’d always be left out, my most distinct memory was when everyone went into the ‘club house’ to play and I wanted to join– and I asked them “Can I play?” And they would laugh and jeer and be like sure “you can pray” and I would be like “noo play!” — more jeering and rejection “sure you can go pray” and just tears and hurts and stuff… and that left me being singled out in the playground — and got bullied and beaten up and stuff;

*Grade 3-4*
I changed to a different school and here it was better, kids were still racist and called me ‘flat faced’ because I was Chinese and made fun of the Chinese language saying i talked like “ching chow wa” or whatever; but what I remember most distinctly was every time I talked to the teacher, she would ask me to say it again louder; She was really kind and gentle but the same… what I said was way too soft, and she would have trouble hearing me and again and again ask me what I said– enforcing in my subconscious.. that I wasn’t really heard or whatever..

*Summer Sometime*
Then a summer probably around Grade 6ish 7? My parents wanted to encourage me to overcome my fear and enrolled me into Public Speaking Camp — needless to say I was terrified, and after that camp swore that I would never speak in public again… utterly terrifying & traumatic..

*Junior High / High School*
So as an accumulation of all this — I found myself in Junior High / High school where you have to do presentations and speeches and things; and for English my marks would be 90 90 60 90; because once the term on speeches came I just didn’t know how to prepare, I didn’t know what to do, what to say… heck I felt what I thought or said was totally useless and meaningless so like why am i even going up there?

*Past few years*
This doesn’t affect me quite as much, but I have a burden for the people at my church for them to really know and understand that richness and fullness of God’s grace — not to do the church thing and devo thing — like I did for 10 years of my life but to embrace Grace; embrace surrender — Embrace God!! To no resist grace by depending on works; And it seems (to me) every time I talk, that it sort of gets shrugged off in this air of indifference; I know its not the response or whatever, but like come on — are we a Church? are we Christians? like we don’t even pray!! (not to say praying defines a church; more is vital a fruit); I’ll stop ranting–

But like yah… building up — I remember once being in the shower just telling God that yah I want to give my life wholly for Him, wherever he wants me to do I will do it — except preaching; And just the sheer terror of that; the inner vow…

And its funny, over this past season God building up my Character and learning a bit more about His calling & anointing on my life.. I feel the more and more ‘chill’ or open to the idea of preaching, this thing that Satan as sown so many seeds of fear and even from an early age has tried to strangle and hold down… my deep introversion; God is refining, weeding it out and burning away the chaff…

And Jesse asked me if it was one skill that I want to learn/master what would it be? and I said preaching. :p haha;

I feel that these coming two years, especially like campus ministry — CCF, God is going to do so much in terms of my character building, heck He has done so much already, but He also has so much to do…

So yah.. I’ll leave you off with this song, which is my prayer… hope this edifies you some (:

*Take My Life (Holiness)*
Scott Underwood

Holiness
Holiness is what I long for
Holiness is what I need
Holiness
Holiness is what you want from me

Take my heart and form it
Take my mind, transform it
Take my will, conform it
To yours, to yours, oh Lord

Faithfulness, Faithfulness is what I long for
Faithfulness is what I need
Faithfulness, Faithfulness is what you want from me

Righteousness, Righteousness is what I long for
Righteousness is what I need
Righteousness, Righteousness is what you want from me

©1995 Mercy / Vineyard Publishing

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