crash.
mmmm… feel miserable right now; this deep weight of discouragement, lots of doubts and fears; wondering what the heck I am doing… what the heck have i gotten myself into? I feel so little, and tossed into this great big ocean to swim on my own…
These last two weeks have been so severely strenuous, but God has been so extremely faithful; getting through my research methods exam, two essays; elections and everything — and God’s presence has always been there; without doubt, Him meeting me each time I kneel down to pray, each time I cry out to Him or sing a new song — He is there, and He holds me close in His embrace…
yet just today feels like everything accumulated just crashed… and though I feel that I am safe in His arms, and that everything is free, light; just set in His grace, I feel miserable, like Satan’s whispers and attacks mounting higher and higher… and I’m just so tired, so weary of all of this…
like God — I want to live a life wholly, worthy, pleasing worship to you; but I am so tired, so alone.. so empty God… I feel like you’ve called to so great a thing, and give me the passion, the dreams the desire to pursue after you in this task — CCF next year but augh… I don’t know…
these past few weeks have just been massive drain… in each every area of my life… and its like I don’t even know anymore.. aiy..
Doubts like — God have you really called me to this ministry this coming year? I know you have, you’ve been giving me so many ideas and everything but I feel like there’s nothing; just misery… I don’t know how to do that, and His Spirit and His Word is enough but — i just feel so discouraged right now..
Today was actually a really good day — got to meet up with Jesse and Diane, and they encouraged me much about elections CCF, next year my leadership ability; and last night the Froshies were just sheer encouragement reminding me to continue to persevere for God is working mightily and powerfully…
but after just talking with Jesse / Diane, just this deep emptyness — this deep lonliness; just sheer discouragement; like yah God has brought so many people into my life at York, Joeie, Mavis, Jesse, Caleb, Brandon, Dennis, Chun — the list goes on and on of people both in and out of CCF; and they see so much in me, but I look and I see nothing of what they say right now… like yah I know and believe its there — i don’t know…
this is stupid; I feel like there’s a big pool of self pity before me, and I refuse to jump in but, I refuse to act all strong and everything… so here i am just writing my feelings i guess…
So much strain from all the busyness… I haven’t really talked talked with my girlfriend for 2 weeks.. Physically I haven’t been really eating well, or sleeping quite enough; Assignments/Papers/Exams seem unending; but God has still been so faithful — in midst of the loneliness, discouragement he is and has always been here so close..
but just like everything accumulating and I feel like I’m going to crash, like what can do… just lie on my bed and cry >.< I’m tired, I’m weary… I feel lost and the uncertainties of tomorrow just worry me bits; my God is my strong tower, my refuge, the Good Shepherd, the Faithful Father… daddy…
here’s little perry, daddy’s beloved… bleh, i have nothing to say but this is me and how i feel.
*James 1:2-4 ESV*
Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.
Everything is a haze.
but one thing is for sure:
Daddy loves me, I love Him; and Victory is in the Cross already.
All these other things - are extra..
*Prayer Request:* Joy will not be quenched in midst of the barrage of spiritual attacks in most every area of my life.
Soli Deo Gloria