pearbox : undefined

Exam in 7 hours, haven’t studied yet.. but great peace & healing… His presence drawn near, Praise Him — for His love has overtaken my heart, the pain and everything.. finding peace again; fear is lost in all who He is — *my God is BIGGER than all this!*

Bigger than my hurts from my dad, bigger than all the inadequacy and fear that I feel, bigger than all failure, all victory, all pain and despair, my exam tomorrow He is still biggger!

*To The Ends Of The Earth*
Marty Sampson, Joel Houston

Love unfailing, overtaking my heart
You take me in,
Finding peace again, fear is lost in all You are

And I would give the world to tell Your story
‘Cause I know that You called me
I know that You’ve called me

I’ve lost myself for good within Your promise
And I won’t hide it, I won’t hide it

Jesus, I believe in You and I would go
To the ends of the Earth
To the ends of the Earth
For You, alone are the Son of God
And all the world will see that You are God
You are God

©2002 Joel Houston

*Note:* Again, with all recordings/writings on this website. They are first and foremost my personal worship to God, and are put on my site for your edification. My journal/website is public so that I can be genuine and transparent in my testimony & worship in all areas of my life — if you choose to listen, i hope you will be edified. However if you’re not comfortable with spiritual “spontaneous” / “charismatic” songs, please skip this one. thank you.

MP3 Download

So what has been going on in the life of Perry?

Really hard to say actually… exam month has been sweeping by with a mix of church (Jaffray/TACF), time with daddy, time with my girlfriend, ministry (CCF), applying for jobs… oh and studying.

Not exactly sure what God is teaching me lately… let a lone saying much, but this past school year has been like that — more of His working and stirring up issues & building my character than any actual teaching on promises. I’m still dealing with inadequacies, social pressures, and the lot of stuff that I’ve been writing about this past while —

Was listening to a few more of them Song of Songs Sermons by Mike Bickle which really helped — and needing to learn, recognize, and understand what it truly means to be hidden in Him. What it means to not live according to the standards of this world no longer — but to walk completely in freedom & grace.

One of the simple lessons I learned back in first year –
“To find my identity, worth, and value in Him, and Him alone”

Really got to learn that again –
How Daddy see’s me, How His heart is ravished, enthralled, and captivated– and the beauty that He sees when He sees us — His children, His Church, His Bride.

To find confidence & security in my Lord.

*sighs* lots of stirrings & attacks in terms of feeling discouraged, despairing — family issues and the lot.

I think I’m depressed actually.

Yesterday & my brief stint & conflict with my dad was rather disheartening, really discouraging, hurtful, condemning (well i feel condemned), rejecting — and just that whole spirit of abandonment.

not fun.

Especially with the mix of doubt from Psychology, Philosophy, and Religion in the air, it seems like there is more and more cloudyness in the sovereignty and reality of God. & how i might come to relationship with Him

Yet still — He provides.
God is faithful, when we are faithless.
Praise God!

heart wenching pain
tears streaming without end
spirit of abandonment
a hopeless child.

Spirit, I want you to flow –
Overflow in my life…
Brim me over
with more of You–

In thinking about my call this coming year, ministry, planning, creative — working in a diverse team with varying values:

A reminder about what its all about.
*Grace*, not works. *Obedience* Not Sacrifice. *Relationship* not Programs.

*Article:* Escaping the System Jaeson Ma

Most people think of servant leadership as serving others, not for Jesus, His first goal of leadership was to serve His Father.

Interesting. I’m 26 now, I have a blackberry with 2,000+ contacts, people calling me daily, my inbox averages over a hundred emails every 24 hours, ministry seems to be non-stop and the responsibilities of it are ever demanding. There are local ministry needs, regional, national and international projects and you begin to wonder like me the other day, “Where the heck did all this come from? I never asked for this? I was just trying to love Jesus!”

Sometimes, ministry can get so overwhelming. The expectations of people are unreal, the demands are daunting and you wonder if there is a way out of this “Christian matrix” I call the “system.” In Western Church, I realize more and more how Christianity is measured by performance. Your success and value is based upon what you do, not who you are, nor how obedient you are to the will of Father. In fact, much of the worlds value system is adopted by the Church, “bigger is better”, success can be counted, planned, measured and produced. You are expected to do the do, because everyone else is doing it. You are expected to do what Christians expect you to do, that is, how you should behave, talk like, act like, blog like, be like, etc. But the more I study the life of Jesus, I see the exact opposite. He gave Himself to 12 disciples, kinda screwy disciples, but He focused His attention on a few. He seemed to never mind the crowds, their demands, their wants, their needs, instead I see Him constantly talking to the Father and only doing what He saw the Father doing (Jn 5:19). Jesus was not “consumer driven or seeker friendly. He was God driven and Father friendly, meaning He was 100 percent obedient to the Father, it didn’t matter what the crowds thought. In Mark 1:35, there are literally crowds of people chasing after Him to receive ministry, and He bounces, literally disappears out of the blue, without telling anyone and leaves the crowds with no apology to spend time in prayer. Then He moves on to the next place. He didn’t care what people thought of Him, only of what God thought of Him. Jesus was never burnt out. Continue Reading

For the past year or so, I’ve been struggling a lot with just wanting to experience God more, to go deeper and deeper in God — Looking back onto first year and just having his Spirit fill me and brim over in me… stepping onto campus each day — going to prayer meetings, just seeking God each day in my quiet times; being floored by His every near, ever close, ever intimate presence; communing with the Holy Spirit — to just rest and soak in His presence… each day a new ‘adventure’ a new opportunity to trust in His promises, to listen to His call and jump full in without a shadow of doubt — that His love endures forever.. Just an amazing experience & discovery of who the Lord is, and how real He truly is!

And this year — most of it has been God withdrawing much of His presence letting me trek through the times feeling alone, persevering and Him building a lot of Character while I silently hold onto not so much what he has said — because he seems silent, but who He is– His very character that he showed Himself to be… my quiet times with Him have well… been for the most part quiet, and I’ve felt many times this year that He’s just soo far away, so many hours just waiting upon the Lord, meditating on the word… and coming out feeling flustered, frustrated like “argh!! God! where the heck are you!!” day going to day — seemingly w/o revelation, without breakthrough just this grudging mist of waiting…

Add in all the philosophies, psychologies, and religion stuff from school, He has felt so far away… and my heart yearns and yearns just for God to be real in my life again; not some psychological phenomenon, not some novel idea, or some random social concept — but God, Father, Son, and Holy Spirit to again abide in the vine, to have those wells of living water spring up and flood forth to every area of my life… and just coming away from my time with God so often with dryness… everything felt kinda bleh & frustrating.. lots of doubts–

And I remember a few weeks ago during prayer meeting, my dear brother Dennis encouraged me from Ephesians 3, to not go about all of it alone — but together with all the saints — to comprehend the width, depths, length and heights of God’s love for us..

And I feel like lately — that is totally something thats starting to be a huge lack in my life. CCF for this year has ended, There is still Jaffray/Aletheia, but the community there seems distant. It feels like, and really to be honest has felt like for the longest of time… like a chill out place; I’ve voiced enough complaints already last year — so i won’t add to my whining;

But I just feel like there’s a lack of true community & support… and often times I wonder whether I should just go… Don’t get me wrong, I love my church, and many of my closest friends are there — but I just feel that everyone is so distant, maybe we’ve moved on in our life stages (i know i’m really busy) but its like there’s really not much that pours in to me… Yah, God speaks regardless of the people, regardless of the problems etc.. and Yah, God can use my discontent, and emptyness to change the environment and everything, but fact is He’s called me to CCF this coming year, so my focus is rather to withdraw from aletheia & focus on the few things that He has committed to me: my relationship with Him, my girlfriend, CCF, academics, and individual ministry at York.

So like, if my focus is going to be on campus & CCF; then changing and voicing out my opinion like these past 2 years about Aletheia isn’t going to help because its off focus already.. then if its not for me to change, then it begs the question of why am i even there? I really wonder sometimes… especially cause we don’t seem to really pray or do anything that really seeks God’s heart — everything seems pretty chill, and do whats fun or whatever; This affected me some because in midst of my valley storm; it felt like all that other stuff that real genuine powerful life with Christ is some ‘mystical’ experience far off that i somehow dreamt up last year? Cause well y’know here i am pouring out everything, but no one seems to see any relevence or whatever.. Rather frustrating..

But yah.. This weekend got to go to TACF w/ Mavis — Fresh Winds Conference night session + Dundas Square evangelism thing; was just massively encouraged, reminding me how down to earth, how real God truly is — unlike all that counterfeit stuff i learn at school, but Christ is alive, and His Spirit dwells here and is at work within us (: The prophetic words this afternoon were really encouraging & just confirming a lot of what I sort of knew but wasn’t particularly share of;

mmm.. I wonder where God wants me to go? contemplating the idea of checking out a cell at TACF or something… still praying about it; Just really need a community of Christians who are like minded, all in one accord to seek God’s heart.

+ Something I heard in one of Mike Bickle’s sermons that really hit me, these past few days: In order for a Christian to sustain the intimacy one experiences, He/She must continue to take ground. Keeping the same ground does not grow our faith at all.