Pure Glory
For the past year or so, I’ve been struggling a lot with just wanting to experience God more, to go deeper and deeper in God — Looking back onto first year and just having his Spirit fill me and brim over in me… stepping onto campus each day — going to prayer meetings, just seeking God each day in my quiet times; being floored by His every near, ever close, ever intimate presence; communing with the Holy Spirit — to just rest and soak in His presence… each day a new ‘adventure’ a new opportunity to trust in His promises, to listen to His call and jump full in without a shadow of doubt — that His love endures forever.. Just an amazing experience & discovery of who the Lord is, and how real He truly is!
And this year — most of it has been God withdrawing much of His presence letting me trek through the times feeling alone, persevering and Him building a lot of Character while I silently hold onto not so much what he has said — because he seems silent, but who He is– His very character that he showed Himself to be… my quiet times with Him have well… been for the most part quiet, and I’ve felt many times this year that He’s just soo far away, so many hours just waiting upon the Lord, meditating on the word… and coming out feeling flustered, frustrated like “argh!! God! where the heck are you!!” day going to day — seemingly w/o revelation, without breakthrough just this grudging mist of waiting…
Add in all the philosophies, psychologies, and religion stuff from school, He has felt so far away… and my heart yearns and yearns just for God to be real in my life again; not some psychological phenomenon, not some novel idea, or some random social concept — but God, Father, Son, and Holy Spirit to again abide in the vine, to have those wells of living water spring up and flood forth to every area of my life… and just coming away from my time with God so often with dryness… everything felt kinda bleh & frustrating.. lots of doubts–
And I remember a few weeks ago during prayer meeting, my dear brother Dennis encouraged me from Ephesians 3, to not go about all of it alone — but together with all the saints — to comprehend the width, depths, length and heights of God’s love for us..
And I feel like lately — that is totally something thats starting to be a huge lack in my life. CCF for this year has ended, There is still Jaffray/Aletheia, but the community there seems distant. It feels like, and really to be honest has felt like for the longest of time… like a chill out place; I’ve voiced enough complaints already last year — so i won’t add to my whining;
But I just feel like there’s a lack of true community & support… and often times I wonder whether I should just go… Don’t get me wrong, I love my church, and many of my closest friends are there — but I just feel that everyone is so distant, maybe we’ve moved on in our life stages (i know i’m really busy) but its like there’s really not much that pours in to me… Yah, God speaks regardless of the people, regardless of the problems etc.. and Yah, God can use my discontent, and emptyness to change the environment and everything, but fact is He’s called me to CCF this coming year, so my focus is rather to withdraw from aletheia & focus on the few things that He has committed to me: my relationship with Him, my girlfriend, CCF, academics, and individual ministry at York.
So like, if my focus is going to be on campus & CCF; then changing and voicing out my opinion like these past 2 years about Aletheia isn’t going to help because its off focus already.. then if its not for me to change, then it begs the question of why am i even there? I really wonder sometimes… especially cause we don’t seem to really pray or do anything that really seeks God’s heart — everything seems pretty chill, and do whats fun or whatever; This affected me some because in midst of my valley storm; it felt like all that other stuff that real genuine powerful life with Christ is some ‘mystical’ experience far off that i somehow dreamt up last year? Cause well y’know here i am pouring out everything, but no one seems to see any relevence or whatever.. Rather frustrating..
But yah.. This weekend got to go to TACF w/ Mavis — Fresh Winds Conference night session + Dundas Square evangelism thing; was just massively encouraged, reminding me how down to earth, how real God truly is — unlike all that counterfeit stuff i learn at school, but Christ is alive, and His Spirit dwells here and is at work within us (: The prophetic words this afternoon were really encouraging & just confirming a lot of what I sort of knew but wasn’t particularly share of;
mmm.. I wonder where God wants me to go? contemplating the idea of checking out a cell at TACF or something… still praying about it; Just really need a community of Christians who are like minded, all in one accord to seek God’s heart.
+ Something I heard in one of Mike Bickle’s sermons that really hit me, these past few days: In order for a Christian to sustain the intimacy one experiences, He/She must continue to take ground. Keeping the same ground does not grow our faith at all.